User:DaGleamingPhoenix/Russian political jokes

Russian political jokes (or, rather, Russophone political jokes) are a part of Russian humour and can be naturally grouped into the major time periods: Imperial Russia, Soviet Union and finally post-Soviet Russia. Quite a few political themes can be found among other standard categories of Russian joke, most notably Rabinoivich jokes and Radio Yerevan.

Imperial Russia

In Imperial Russia most political jokes were of the salon type told by educated society. Few popular political jokes remained recorded. Some of them were printed in a 1904 German anthology.^[1]

A man was reported to have said: "Nikolay is a moron!" and was arrested by the policeman. "No, sir, I meant not our respected Emperor, but another Nikolay!" - "Don't try to trick me: if you say "moron", you obviously refer to our tsar".

A respected merchant Sevenassov wants to change his surname and asks the Tsar for permission. The Emperor writes his resolution: "Allowed to deduct two asses down".

There were also numerous political themed Chastushki in Imperial Russia.

Soviet Union

Every nation is fond of the category of political jokes, but in the Soviet Union telling political jokes was in a sense an extreme sport: according to Article 58 (RSFSR Penal Code), "anti-Soviet propaganda" was a potentially capital offense.

A judge walks out of his chambers laughing his head off. A colleague approaches him and asks why he is laughing. "I just heard the funniest joke in the world!" "Well, go ahead, tell me!" says the other judge. "I can't - I just gave a guy ten years for it!"

Nevertheless, as Ben Lewis put it in his essay^[2], and book ^[3], "Communism was a humour-producing machine. Its economic theories and system of repression created inherently funny situations. There were jokes under fascism and the Nazis too, but those systems did not create an absurd, laugh-a-minute reality like communism."

Early Soviet times

Jokes from these times are of historical value, portraying the character of the epoch as perfectly as long novels.

Midnight Petrograd... A night watch spots a shadow trying to sneak by. "Stop! Who goes there? Documents!" The frightened person chaotically shuffles through his pockets and drops a paper. A soldier picks it up and reads slowly, with difficulty: "U.ri.ne A.na.ly.sis"... "Hmm... a foreigner, sounds like..." "A spy, looks like.... Let's shoot him on the spot!" Then reads further: "'Proteins: none, Sugars: none, Fats: none...' You are free to go, proletarian comrade! Long live the World revolution!"

Communism

According to Marxist-Leninist theory, communism in the strict sense is the final stage of a society's evolution after passing through the socialism stage. The Soviet Union thus cast itself as a socialist country trying to build communism, the classless society.

The principle of socialist economy of the period of transition to communism: the authorities pretend they are paying wages, workers pretend they are working. (Note: Money is supposed to be abolished in communist society) Alternately, "So long as the bosses pretend to pay us, we will pretend to work." This joke persisted essentially unchanged through the 1980s.

Satirical verses and parodies made fun of official Soviet propaganda slogans.

"Lenin died, but his cause lives on!" (an actual slogan)

Punch line variant #1: Rabinovich notes: "I would prefer it the other way round."

Variant #2: What a coincidence: "Brezhnev died, but his body lives on."

(extra comedic effect in the latter case is achieved by the fact that the words cause (delo) and body (telo) rhyme in Russian.

Lenin coined a slogan on how to achieve the state of communism through rule by the Communist Party and modernization of the Russian industry and agriculture: "Communism is Soviet power plus electrification of the whole country!" The slogan was subject to popular mathematical scrutiny: "Consequently, Soviet power is communism minus electrification, and electrification is communism minus Soviet power."

A chastushka ridiculing the tendency to praise the Party left and right:

The winter's passed,

The summer's here.

For this we thank

Our party dear!

Russian:

Прошла зима,

настало лето.

Спасибо партии

за это!

(Proshla zima, nastalo leto / Spasibo partii za eto!)

One old bolshevik says to another: "No my friend, we will not live long enough to see communism, but our children... poor children."

Some jokes allude to notions long forgotten. Survived, they are still funny, but may look strange.

Q: Will there be KGB in communism?

A: As you know, in communism, the state will be abolished, together with its means of suppression. People will know how to self-arrest themselves.

The original version was about Cheka. To fully appreciate this joke, a person must know that during the Cheka times, in addition to standard taxation of peasants, they were often forced to perform samooblozhenie ("self-taxation") — after delivering a regular amount of agricultural products, prosperous peasants, especially those declared to be kulaks were expected to "voluntarily" deliver the same amount again; sometimes even "double samooblozhenie" was applied.

Collective farm

-How do you deal with mice in the Kremlin?

-Put up a sign saying "collective farm". Then half the mice will starve and the others will run away.^[4]

This joke is an allusion to the consequences of the collectivization policy pursued by Stalin between 1928 and 1933.

Gulag

Abramovich was sentenced to 5 years, served 10, then fortunately was released ahead of time.

Armenian Radio was asked: "Is it true that conditions in our labor camps are excellent?" Armenian Radio answers: "It is true. Five years ago a listener of ours raised the same question and was sent to one, reportedly to investigate the issue. He hasn't returned yet; we are told he liked it there."

"Comrade Brezhnev, is it true that you collect political jokes?" — "Yes" — "And how many have you collected so far?" — "Three and a half labor camps."

Armenian Radio

The Armenian Radio or "Radio Yerevan" jokes are of format "ask us whatever you want, we will answer you whatever we want". They give snappy or double-minded answers to questions on politics, commodities, economy or other no-no subjects of the Communist era. Questions and answers from this fictitious Radio are known even outside Russia.

Q: Is it true that there is freedom of speech in the Soviet Union the same as there is in the USA?

A: In principle, yes. In the USA, you can stand in front of the White House in Washington, D.C., and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished. Just the same, you can stand in the Red Square in Moscow and yell, "Down with Reagan!", and you will not be punished.

Political figures

Politicians form no stereotype as such in Russian culture. Instead, historical and contemporary Russian leaders are portrayed with emphasis on their own unique characteristics. At the same time, quite a few jokes about them are remakes of jokes about earlier generations of leaders.

Lenin, Stalin, Khrushchev and Brezhnev are all travelling together in a railway carriage. Unexpectedly the train stops. Lenin suggests: "Perhaps, we should call a subbotnik, so that workers and peasants fix the problem." Stalin puts his head out of the window and shouts, "If the train does not start moving, the driver will be executed!" But the train doesn't start moving. Khrushchev then shouts, "Let's take the rails behind the train and use them to construct the tracks in the front". But it still doesn't move. Brezhnev then says, "Comrades, Comrades, let's draw the curtains, turn on the gramophone and pretend we're moving!"

To sum up the Russians' experience with political leaders thus far: Lenin showed how a country can be ruled; Stalin showed how a country should be ruled; Khrushchev showed that any moron can rule a country; Brezhnev showed that not just any moron can rule a country.

(Modern variants extend the joke all the way to Putin)

Lenin

File:Lenin na tribune.jpg

The jokes about Lenin, leader of the Russian Revolution of 1917, typically made fun of the features of his character popularized by propaganda: kindness, love of children (Lenin never had children of his own), sharing nature, kind eyes, etc. Accordingly, in the jokes Lenin is often sneaky and hypocritical. A popular joke set-up is Lenin interacting with the head of the secret police, Dzerzhinsky in the Smolny Institute, seat of the revolutionary communist government in Petrograd, or with khodoki, peasants that came to see Lenin.

During the famine of the civil war, a delegation of starving peasants comes to the Smolny, wishing to file a petition. "We have even started eating the grass like horses," says one peasant. "Soon we will start neighing like horses!" "Come on! Don't worry!" says Lenin reassuringly. "We are drinking tea with honey here, and we are not buzzing like bees, are we?"

(Concerning the omnipresent Lenin propaganda) A schoolteacher is leading her students through a park, and they see a baby hare. These are city kids, and have never seen a hare. "Do you know who this is?" asks the teacher. No one knows. "Come on kids", says the teacher trying to lead the children to the answer, "He's a character in many stories, songs and poems we always read." One student "figures it out," pats the hare and says reverently, "So *that's* what you're like, Grandpa Lenin!"

Stalin

right|200px Jokes about Stalin are of morose, dark humour, Stalin's words told with a heavy Georgian accent.

"Comrade Stalin! This man is your exact double!" / "Shoot him!" / "Maybe we should shave off his moustache?" / "Good idea! Shave it off and then shoot him!". (In another version, Stalin replies shortly Ili tak [lit. or so], meaning "this way is ok too", which has become somewhat proverbial).

Stalin reads his report to the Party Congress. Suddenly someone sneezes. "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "First row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) "Second row! On your feet! Shoot them!" (Long, loud applause.) "Who sneezed?" (Silence.) ...A dejected voice in the back: "It was me" (Sobs.) Stalin leans forward: "Bless you, comrade!"

Khrushchev

Khrushchev embracing Cuban President Fidel Castro

Jokes about Khrushchev are often related to his attempts to reform the economy, especially to introduce maize (corn). He was even called kukuruznik (maizeman). Other jokes address crop failures due to mismanagement of the agriculture, his innovations in urban architecture, his confrontation with the US while importing US consumer goods, his promises to build communism within 20 years, or just his baldness, rude manners, and womanizing ambitions. Unlike other Soviet leaders, in jokes he is always harmless.

Why was Khrushchev deseated? Because of the Seven "C"s: Cult of personality, Communism, China, Cuban Crisis, Corn, and Cuzka's mother (In Russian this is the seven "K"s. To "show somebody Kuzka's mother" is a Russian idiom meaning "to give somebody a hard time". Khrushchev had used this phrase during a speech at the United Nations General Assembly referring to the Tsar Bomba test over Novaya Zemlya).

Brezhnev

Ford and Brezhnev

Brezhnev was depicted as dim-witted, suffering from dementia, with delusion of grandeur.

"Leonid Ilyich is in surgery." / "Heart again?" / "No, chest expansion surgery: to fit one more Gold Star medal."
At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. "O!" -- applause. "O!" -- more applause. "O!" -- yet more applause. "O!" -- an ovation. "O!!!" -- the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, that's the Olympic rings, you don't need to read it!"
"Leonid Ilyich!..." / "Come on, no formalities among comrades. Just call me 'Ilyich' ". (Note: In Soviet parlance, "Ilyich" by itself by default refers to Lenin, and "Just call me 'Ilyich'" was a line from a well-known poem about Lenin.)

Quite a few jokes capitalized on the cliché used in Soviet speeches of the time: "dear Leonid Ilyich".

The phone rings, Brezhnev picks up the phone: "Hello, this is dear Leonid Ilyich...".

Geriatric intermezzo

Party Chairman Leonid Brezhnev died in 1982. His successor, Yuri Andropov, died in 1984. His successor in turn, Konstantin Chernenko, died in 1985. Russians took great interest in watching the new sport at the Kremlin: hearse racing. Rabinovich said he did not have to buy tickets to the funerals as he had a subscription to these events. As Andropov's bad health became common knowledge (he was attached to a dialysis machine by the end), several jokes made the rounds:

"Comrade Andropov is the most turned on man in Moscow!"

"Comrade Andropov is sure to light up any discussion!"

"Why did Brezhnev go abroad, and Andropov did not? Because Brezhnev ran on batteries, but Andropov needed an outlet." (Reference to Brezhnev's pacemaker and Andropov's dialysis machine).

"What is the main difference of succession under tsarist regime and under socialism?" "Under tsarist regime the power transferred from father to a son, and under socialism - from one grandfather to another." (A wordplay: 'grandfather' in Russian is traditionally used in a sense of 'old man')

TASS communication: "Today, being in dangerous state of health and without regaining consciousness Konstantin Ustonivich Chernenko took up the duties of Secretary General" (the first part of the sentence is the common beginning of state leaders' obituaries)

Gorbachev

Mikhail Gorbachev was occasionally made fun of for his poor grammar, but perestroika-era jokes usually addressed his slogans and ineffective actions, his birth mark, Raisa Gorbachev's poking her nose everywhere (think Hillary Clinton jokes about her being the 42nd President of the USA), as well as Soviet-American relations.

In a restaurant:

― Why the meatballs are of cubic shape?

― Perestroika! (restructuring)

― Why are they undercooked?

― Uskoreniye! (acceleration)

― Why are they bitten?

― Gospriyomka (state approval)

― Why are you telling me all this so brazenly?

― Glasnost! (openness)

KGB

Telling jokes about the KGB was thought to be like pulling the tail of a tiger.

A hotel. A room for four with four strangers. Three of them soon open a bottle of vodka and proceed to get acquainted, then drunk, then noisy, singing and telling political jokes. The fourth one desperately tries to get some sleep; finally, frustrated, he surreptitiously leaves the room, goes downstairs, and asks the lady concierge to bring tea to Room 67 in ten minutes. Then he returns and joins the party. Five minutes later, he bends over an ashtray and says with utter nonchalance: "Comrade Major, some tea to Room 67, please." In a few minutes, there's a knock at the door, and in comes the lady concierge with a tea tray. The room falls silent; the party dies a sudden death, and the conspirator finally gets to sleep. The next morning he wakes up alone in the room. Surprised, he runs downstairs and asks the concierge where his neighbors had gone. "Oh, the KGB has arrested them!" she answers. "B-but... but what about me?" asks the guy in terror. "Oh, well, they decided to let you go. You made Comrade Major laugh a lot with your tea joke."
The KGB, the GIGN and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The GIGN goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

Quite a few jokes and other comedy capitalized on the fact that Soviet citizens were under KGB surveillance even abroad.

A quartet of violinists returns from an international competition. One of them was honored with the possibility to play a Stradivarius violin and cannot stop bragging about this. Another one grunts: "What's so special about that?". The first one thinks for a minute: "Let me put it in this way for you: just imagine you were given a chance to make a couple of shots from Dzerzhinsky's mauser..."

Everyday Soviet life

Q: What is more useful — newspapers or television? A: Newspapers, of course. You cannot wrap herring in a TV. (Comment: herring, selyodka, is a common snack with vodka (and they rhyme in Russian).)

We pretend to work and they pretend to pay us! [A joke that frequently did the rounds at factories and other places of state-funded labour.]

Five precepts of the Soviet intelligentsia (intellectuals): Do not think. If you think — do not speak. If you think and speak — do not write. If you think, speak and write — do not sign. If you think, speak, write and sign — don't be surprised.

Some jokes ridiculed the level of political indoctrination in the educational system of the Soviet Union:

"My wife has been going to cooking school for three years." / "She must really cook well by now!" / "No, they've only reached the part about the Twentieth CPSU Congress so far."

Quite a few jokes poke fun at permanent shortages in various shops.

A man walks into a shop and says, "I see you don't have any fish", and the shop assistant replies, "You got it wrong - ours is a butcher: we don't have any meat. They don't have any fish in the fish shop that is across the road!" [The Russian version is a subtle pun based on the fact that a sentence "You don't have fish?" (with interrogative intonation and extra accent on "don't") actually means "Do you have fish?" So, the original Russian dialog is less verbose: "You don't have fish?"- "We don't have meat: we are butchers. The fish shop across doesn't have fish."]

A subgenre of the above type of jokes target long sign-up queues for certain commodities, with the waiting time counted in years.

"Dad, can I have the car keys?" / "Ok, but don't lose them. We will get the car in just seven years!"
"Why are we waiting in line? Because we have to."

Post-Communist era

The Yeltsin era saw the revival of some old Brezhnev jokes, but again the focus was put on actual policies.

When Yeltsin resigned from the Communist Party at the 28th Party Congress, people used to say that "Yeltsin is out of mind,... honour, and conscience of our epoch". (A hint at a widespread propaganda slogan: "Party is Mind, Honour and Conscience of our Epoch")

Putin

Political jokes under Vladimir Putin are once again gaining popularity, suggested by Time Magazine^[5] as a coping mechanism or a primary part of the Russian consciousness. Many play on his KGB background, such as this one:

―Have you heard, Putin ordered the government to stop the inflation. / ―Well, not exactly, he ordered to have it held back...and jailed. (It is a pun: Russian zadierzhat means both to hold back and to detain.)

Others deal with his perceived hard-line approach:^[4]

Stalin's ghost appears to Putin in a dream, and Putin asks for his help running the country. Stalin says, "Round up and shoot all the democrats, and then paint the inside of the Kremlin blue." "Why blue?" Putin asks. "Ha!" says Stalin. "I knew you wouldn't ask me about the first part."