Hand-breaks

Do you know the feeling when you have tasks to do, but somehow it feels like someone has pulled up the hand breaks of your body, so no matter how much you try to move, you're just not able to carry out those tasks? 

if you don't know this feeling, please be grateful! It not a wonderful feeling to have. 

The heart and body are not in sync.

Heart wants to get do something, but body refuses.

This paralysed body is causing a lot of harm... things not being executed, time is wasted, yet nothing can be done. 

IF I manage to summon all my strength to carry it out, then exhaustion sinks and I can't do anything else after.

This are not big tasks I'm saying.... just mundane things like preparing a meal, throwing the rubbish, going to the bank, making a call, etc... it may sound bizarre to you, but these things sometimes feel really big that I paralyse. 

Today is one such lousy day. at least i managed to type it out here! 

6 years has passed...

Can't believe that it's been 6 years since I last posted something over here! I couldn't even find my link on google.. that is probably a good thing i guess.. 

Not to get excited or anything..i do not have any intentions to start blogging again, but at this time of the night, i just felt like coming back to place i once used to write to procrastinate and sometimes share some thoughts and feelings to the unknown, just to reminisce... instead of doing that, i am now writing a lil something here. just because. 

In these pass 6 years, many things have happened... however, i find it really weird that even though so much life changing events have happened to me, I myself have not changed. I'm still a procrastinator, a lazy bum, skill-less chicken and depressed more often now than before.

It's funny, I never realised I was depressive until after marriage (yup! i got married!).. not that marriage is bad.. in fact i'm very grateful to have such a wonderful husband! But after marriage, i realised that there have been times in my life that i've felt particularly low and loss of motivation. Just not sure why i've been feeling much more deeper in the hole in these pass 2 years.. as if I have lost my dreams and sense of purpose. I no longer have any dreams i want to chase... I am more afraid to starting/doing something, and i'm unsure about almost everything! I keep seeing myself turning into my mother which i dread immensely, however I don't know how to resolve that matter when I can't even have a heart-to-heart conversations with her. So right now i particularly feel like a failure in all aspects of life. Don't particularly like myself either, but just too tired to change. 

Yup, there we are. and nope, i'm not a fighter.... i can't seem to fight this destiny i'm in to take action  to make things better... all I do is wallow deeper and deeper in my hole... convinced that i'm in for doom. 

Isn't it a wonderful place to be in? please sense the sarcasm here. 

The older I get, the more things i need to figure out...
where shall we live? when to have kids? am I even ready for kids? what's my calling? what kinda work do i want/can do? how can we have savings? what to invest in? how to get a side income? what kinda risks should I take? omg the list just goes on and on.....

why can't it be easier? What happened to having more wisdom as we get older?

i dread these questions... i have not grown up at all. what if I don't want to? Why invite all these complications into life? Since when life had to be complicated?! 

I wanna end the post with a positive note, but i can't think of anything right now. So that's just it. 

learning to trust

Speaking about moving on previously...

last week we get the news that we have to move out once our contract ends as the landlord wants to move in (or so that's what they tell us!).

So hunt for a new apartment began... not much to choose from as we ( me & my housemate) wants to stay in the same neighbourhood. I wont go to the details how it has been going on... but its just a very tiring process and we just had to put all our trust in these two lovely agents who we were not so sure in the beginning, but today they finally proved to be the sweetest most sincere agents i've known... i mean i don't think im being gullible saying this.. because i know u may be thinking these real estate agents just want the money, but these girls give me a different impression!

just sayin' today i learnt that there are still plenty of good people out there.. and even tho i try not to easily trust people.. i think i should go with my gut sometimes!

movin on!

people come,

people go,

they cross your path,

as you flow..

maybe you learn something,

maybe you see differently,

maybe even your heart is touched,

maybe its just meant to be.

people come,

and then they go,

u wish they'd be there forever,

but a scar is all that's left,

just gotta go with the flo'...

and keep movin' on.

chapter 5 - bliss

This blog has been in hibernate mode for a lil too long!

Well that's coz i'm in middle kingdom living chapter 5 of me life. and its seems to be an awesome chapter, Im sure it will continue to be too :)

FINALLY i feel independent... and gosh its such a great feeling! even tho i know i need to clean the apartment, cook, buy groceries, wash clothes...but the freedom of it is just priceless..plus living in this place just makes it all the sweeter...

not to say its been all rosy posy since I came..not at all.. i've been faced with some pretty tough situations, still do in fact... but they don't really matter... for I'm a happy lil person (not so lil in this country!) living me life like i want it to be!

This is really the country of the future, and everyday i feel so blessed to be here. :)

Tests

yesterday was a tough day of fasting.

I realized that I have no patience! be it on the road, or with people...

I'm still waiting to go.. being in limbo stage ain't all that fun... it requires patience too... and somehow i feel like im not having much of it lately.... everyday i can feel my soul drowning deeper n deeper into somewhere unknown.. yikes!

I need to find my peace back.. this is my test.. to learn to be patient under all conditions and lay all my affairs in His hands...I have another 12 days before the fast is over and this special time is gone... oh boy!

O God! please help me!

Heloo March!

Why hellooo there!

Here u are March.. and here am I still at home... its ok.. lets do this again 1 more time before i actually really leave (at some point!).

Fasting Month is here...and last year i tried me best to post everyday on my reflections of the day.. this year I shall direct you to an awesome website which I love to go to during this time because it's very refreshing : Nineteendays is a collection of pictures coming from different people, each day there are 2 people sharing their pictures and their thoughts together with quotations from the Writings or prayers.

Hope u enjoy it as much as I do every year.. will see how mine goes this year. I think it'll be challenging seeing that i have ample time on me hands.. I hope it'll be spiritually uplifting!

Happy Fasting to all my Baha'i Friends!

2010 refelctions

what a year it has been!

2010 was definitely what I had wanted it to be..and maybe more!

Best moments:

finishing me thesis and being satisfied with my grade for it :)

Seeing the Lotus Temple, and my 1st day inside the temple listening to the chants by volunteers..best feeling ever! being there for a whole month in India - even better!

meeting some awesome people from everywhere :)

discovering me luv for Melaka.. i think i wanna go there and retire!

performing 2 flash mobs in a year?! too awesome!

movie nights / bbq's / game nights next door

awesome bday wit ze fam :)

Worst moments:

stress leading up to the dateline of thesis. almost died with the stats!

leaving the Lotus Temple

fam dramas

false hopes of leaving for China so soon.

All in all...

my best were the bestest..but my worsts were not really horrible... so that makes 2010 AWESOME! ahh... tis one year i wont forget... definitely!

2011...

tis year I know will require me to be a more responsible and independent person. Hopefully I will enjoy it, and have fun at the same time.

God willing, aall vill be vell ;)