new move : new start

It has been a long long time since my last post and though I've not forgotten, I don't have it in me much in the last few years to intensely pencil down my thoughts and life as much as before. All of that will change. I was up until late last night listening to a song that has occupied me which I've posted prior to this entry (here).

I have been thinking about it for sometime now and I feel I need a fresh start with the blog as I have entered a different stage in life. No doubt the core of my essence is the same by I feel I have a much broader view on things and so I am working towards a new blog with a fresh look and a renewed resolve to pencil down my thoughts. Like how I moved from high school to college / university.

Hence, I am introducing my new blog site: https://myhitsuzen.blogspot.com/

empty : space

Performed by James Arthur

I don't see you
You're not in every window I look through
And I don't miss you
You're not in every single thing I do
I don't think we're meant to be
And you are not the missing piece

I won't hear it
Whenever anybody says your name
And I won't feel it
Even when I'm burstin' into flames
I don't regret the day I left
I don't believe that I was blessed
I'm probably lyin' to myself again

I'm alone in my head
And lookin' for love in this stranger's bed
But I don't think I'll find it
'Cause only you could fill this empty space

I wanna tell all my friends
But I don't think they would understand
It's somethin' I've decided
'Cause only you could fill this empty space

Space, space
This empty space
Space, space
This
'Cause only you could fill this empty space

I've been drinking
I've been doin' things I shouldn't do
Overthinkin'
I don't know who I am without you
I'm a liar and a cheat
I let my ego swallow me
And that's why I might never see you again

I'm alone in my head
And lookin' for love in this stranger's bed
But I don't think I'll find it
'Cause only you could fill this empty space

I wanna tell all my friends
But I don't think they would understand
It's somethin' I've decided
'Cause only you could fill this empty space

Space, space
This empty space
Space, space
This
'Cause only you could fill this empty space

How could I make you love me?
How could I make you love me?
How could I make you love me?
How could I make you love me?
How could I make you love me?
How could I make you love me?
How could I make you love me? (space, space)
How could I make you love me?
How could I make you love me? (space, space)
How could I make you love me?
How could I make you love me?
How could I make you love me?

hax:ors

I know I've been neglecting this here site for a while. This is due to the various life circumstances, one primarily is the change in my job role. It has given me less time and with my tight schedule, when I do have time, I rather spend it on mindless YouTube-ing than to challenge myself creatively be it in an artful or written way.

Checking on this blog again, I noticed that in the last month, there has been over 300 views from an unknown area (which is weird and I call hax). Are there professional hackers who feel lost and the need to mask their ID yet find solace in this dark corner of the web which is my blog? Or maybe just some creepy troll that enjoys reading for the lols. 

Whatever the poison is, welcome if you are just here and are interested in reading. If you have any ill intentions (which is weird coz I don't know you), well I pray we never cross paths. Aside from that, it's a free world so feel free to walk around on this here site and do what you will, it is made public for a reason.

butter:fly

..Butterflies..

Often associated with beauty, women, and transformation, the butterfly is a strange creature indeed. Many songs sung praised its beauty; and its ability to transform and take flight- symbolic to freedom and letting go. Some cultures even equate butterflies as symbols for love (even though fleeting due to their short lifespan post metamorphosis).

I am reminded once again when my grandmother told me that most butterflies eventually when reach a certain height in enlightenment, are in actuality old men/women. Which made more sense to me because butterflies in general do not live long lives. Hence when they break through their life expectancy and reach a minimum level of cultivation, they would be rather old by then.

The beauty of the butterfly's life expectancy then would be attributed more towards its metamorphosis in its life cycle. How they go through adversity only to be watered down in numbers, achieving sufficient resources and undergoing its transformation into a butterfly that could only live for a short period of time, consummate and perish eventually.

I wonder if those normal butterflies ever know of their fleeting lives? And what understandings does a butterfly deity come to comprehend? If it's one thing for sure, I doubt it'll be much on love...

a : daily : song

Performed by : Hwang Chi Yeul

힘든 하루 끝에 집 앞에 거리를 서성이다
돋아나는 이 공허함에 그 노래를 um
나도 모르게 또 이렇게 흥얼거리고 있어
아마 너를 애타게 너를 부르듯이

세상에서 이 노래가 제일 좋다며 들려주던
함께 듣던 노래 너무 슬픈 이 노래

매일 듣는 이 노래가 또
매일 울려 이 노래가 널
떠올리게 만들어
다 우리 얘기만 같아서
아무리 귀를 막아봐도
자꾸 맴돌아
듣고 싶지 않아 몸부림쳐도
매일 듣는 노래

시간이 지나도 이 노랜 잊혀지질 않았어
가사 하나 멜로디까지 선명해서
네 앞에서 불러주려 매일 매일 혼자 연습했던
함께 듣던 노래 가슴 아픈 이 노래

매일 듣는 이 노래가 또
매일 울려 이 노래가 널
떠올리게 만들어
다 우리 얘기만 같아서
아무리 귀를 막아봐도
자꾸 맴돌아
듣고 싶지 않아 몸부림쳐도
매일 듣는 노래

딴 얘기 같던 노랫말은 곧 우리가 됐고
그렇게 남은 건 망가진 하루들
아주 작은 방 홀로 틀어 놓은 이 노래로
조심스레 다시 널 불러본다

매일 듣는 이 노래가 또
매일 울려 이 노래가 널
떠올리게 만들어
모두 우리 추억들만 같아서
아무리 귀를 막아봐도
자꾸 맴돌아
듣고 싶지 않아 몸부림쳐도

매일 듣는 노래

Romanization

Himdeun haru kkeute jib ape geolireul seoseongida
Dodananeun i gongheohame geu nolaereul um
Nado moreuge tto ireohge heungeolgeorigo isseo
Ama neoreul aetage neoreul buleudeusi

Sesangeseo i noraega jeil johdamyeo deullyeojudeon
Hamkke deuddeon norae neomu seulpeun i norae

Maeil deudneun i noraega tto
Maeil ullyeo i noraega neol
Tteoollige mandeureo
Da uli yaegiman gataseo
Amuli gwileul magabwado
Jakku maemdora
Deudgo sipji anha mombulimchyeodo
Maeil deudneun norae

Sigani jinado i noraen ijhyeojijil anhasseo
Gasa hana mellodikkaji seonmyeonghaeseo
Ne apeseo bulleojulyeo maeil maeil honja yeonseubhaessdeon
Hamkke deuddeon norae gaseum apeun i norae

Maeil deudneun i noraega tto
Maeil ullyeo i noraega neol
Tteoollige mandeureo
Da uli yaegiman gataseo
Amuli gwileul magabwado
Jakku maemdora
Deudgo sipji anha mombulimchyeodo
Maeil deudneun norae

Ttan yaegi gatdeon noraesmareun god uriga dwaessgo
Geureohge nameun geon manggajin harudeul
Aju jageun bang hollo teureo noheun i noraelo
Josimseure dasi neol bulleobonda

Maeil deudneun i noraega tto
Maeil ullyeo i noraega neol
Tteoollige mandeureo
Da uli yaegiman gataseo
Amuli gwileul magabwado
Jakku maemdora
Deudgo sipji anha mombulimchyeodo

Maeil deudneun norae

Translation

At the end of the long day
I was pacing back and forth on the street
Out of the sprouting emptiness
I started to hum that song without knowing
As if I’m desperately calling out to you

You used to make me listen to that song
Saying it’s the best song in the world
We listened to it together, this sad song

This song we listened to every day
It makes me cry every day
It makes me think of you
Because it sounds like our story
No matter how hard I try to cover my ears
It spins around me
I don’t wanna hear it, I throw a fit
But I hear it every day

Even after time, I didn’t forget this song
Each lyric, each melody is still so clear
I used to practice alone every day so I could sing it for you
We listened to it together, this heartbreaking song

This song we listened to every day
It makes me cry every day
It makes me think of you
Because it sounds like our story
No matter how hard I try to cover my ears
It spins around me
I don’t wanna hear it, I throw a fit
But I hear it every day

The lyrics used to sound like someone else’s story but it became ours
The only thing remaining are the ruined days
Playing this song in my small room
As I carefully call out to you again

This song we listened to every day
It makes me cry every day
It makes me think of you
Because it sounds like our memories
No matter how hard I try to cover my ears
It spins around me
I don’t wanna hear it, I throw a fit

But I hear it every day

clinical : depression

Not sure when it started but I am quite sure I've known this for sometime now and I'm just starting to perhaps accept the thought that maybe... I'm depressed. So below are the signs of clinical depression (from Mayo's Clinic):

• Feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness
• Angry outbursts, irritability or frustration, even over small matters
• Loss of interest or pleasure in most or all normal activities, such as sex, hobbies or sports
• Sleep disturbances, including insomnia or sleeping too much
• Tiredness and lack of energy, so even small tasks take extra effort
• Reduced appetite and weight loss or increased cravings for food and weight gain
• Anxiety, agitation or restlessness
• Slowed thinking, speaking or body movements
• Feelings of worthlessness or guilt, fixating on past failures or self-blame
• Trouble thinking, concentrating, making decisions and remembering things
• Frequent or recurrent thoughts of death, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempts or suicide
• Unexplained physical problems, such as back pain or headaches

Now, I do not have anything suicidal (thankfully) and the physical stuffs come and go. Minus all that, I still check out on a lot of the others. Although I don't feel the need for medications, I do feel that in order for me to move past and recover, I will need to change things up a little.

Depression is like the mental version of a sore throat. 
You feel the sore throat is there. It itches and feels generally uncomfortable, there are moments of heat, irritation, bursts of heat, and when you swallow, it's painful. Depression is the same. I feel it, there are moments of mood swings, and anxiety. At times I even get moody to the point I cease to function. Like a mental paralysis.

of : birds : and : bees

"How would the sparrow or swallow know the will of the great swan?"

Some times, these sayings perfectly describes how I feel about things when we try to question the intent of a higher order. Hence, I prefer to just let things happen the way they intend to happen and work or flow towards that which is most natural. Do not force circles into squares and ponder over matters that are not within our control.

wild:flower

Performed by Park Hyo Shin

A white ice flower that bloomed
Puts its face out in the welcoming wind
It sheds tears over the wordless and nameless past

Hiding in the cold wind
Melting down under the single ray of sunlight
That’s how you came to me once more

Only good memories, only a longing heart
On the path where you left me
I’m standing alone
Only until I can forget you, until I will be alright
I’ll swallow my tears and at the end of my wait
I will bloom once again

Love is a fiery flower that blooms and withers
In case I get wet with the rain, I close my eyes

In my youth and small heart
The dazzling memories shine
I call out to you once again

Only good memories, only a longing heart
On the path where you left me
I’m standing alone
Only until I can forget you, until I will be alright
I’ll swallow my tears and at the end of my wait
Then once again, I will

On top of the dry land
My entire body is burning
Your scent that remained on my fingers is scattering away

Your hand that is growing far apart
I can’t hold onto it so it hurts
Just until I can survive, just as much as I hated you
When the spring comes to bring you back later on
Then I will bloom on that day

Romanization

Yasaenghwa

hayake pieonan eoreum kkot hanaga
dalgaun barame eolgureul naemireo
amu mal motaetdeon ireumdo mollatdeon
jinagan naldeure nunmuri heulleo

chagaun barame sumeo itda
hanjulgi haessare mom nogida
geureoke neoneun tto hanbeon naege onda

johatdeon gieongman
geuriun maeumman
niga tteonagan geu gil wie
ireoke naman seoitda
ichyeojil mankeumman
gwaenchanheul mankeumman
nunmul meogeumgo gidarin tteollim kkeute
dasi nareul piurira

sarangeun pigo tto jineun tabeorineun bulkkot
bitmure jeojeulkka du nuneul gamneunda

eorigo jagatdeon naui mame
nunbusige bitnadeon chueok soge
geureoke neoreul tto hanbeon bulleobonda

johatdeon gieongman
geuriun maeumman
niga tteonagan geu gil wie
ireoke naman seoitda
ichyeojil mankeumman
gwaenchanheul mankeumman
nunmul meogeumgo gidarin tteollim kkeute
geuttae dasi naneun

memallaganeun ttang wie
onmomi ta deureogago
nae sonkkeute nameun
neoui hyanggi heuteojyeo naraga

meoreojyeo ganeun neoui soneul
butjapji motae apeuda
saragal mankeumman
miwohaetdeon mankeumman
meon hutnal neoreul deryeoda jul
geu bomi omyeon geunare na piurira

Hangul

야생화

하얗게 피어난 얼음 꽃 하나가
달가운 바람에 얼굴을 내밀어
아무 말 못했던 이름도 몰랐던
지나간 날들에 눈물이 흘러

차가운 바람에 숨어 있다
한줄기 햇살에 몸 녹이다
그렇게 너는 또 한번 내게 온다

좋았던 기억만
그리운 마음만
니가 떠나간 그 길 위에
이렇게 나만 서있다
잊혀질 만큼만
괜찮을 만큼만
눈물 머금고 기다린 떨림 끝에
다시 나를 피우리라

사랑은 피고 또 지는 타버리는 불꽃
빗물에 젖을까 두 눈을 감는다

어리고 작았던 나의 맘에
눈부시게 빛나던 추억 속에
그렇게 너를 또 한번 불러본다

좋았던 기억만
그리운 마음만
니가 떠나간 그 길 위에
이렇게 나만 서있다
잊혀질 만큼만
괜찮을 만큼만
눈물 머금고 기다린 떨림 끝에
그때 다시 나는

메말라가는 땅 위에
온몸이 타 들어가고
내 손끝에 남은
너의 향기 흩어져 날아가

멀어져 가는 너의 손을
붙잡지 못해 아프다
살아갈 만큼만
미워했던 만큼만
먼 훗날 너를 데려다 줄

그 봄이 오면 그날에 나 피우리라