Should You Admit to Your Partner That You’ve Cheated on Them?
How to Own Up to Your Transgressions When You’ve Been Unfaithful
While there are as many ways to damage a partner’s trust, being physically or romantically intimate with someone else is considered an especially heinous move that’s often seen as an immediate relationship-ender regardless of context.
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That leaves most people reluctant to talk to their partners if they have cheated. They’re aware that the consequences could be the immediate and irrevocable end of the relationship, so they cling to their secret instead.
But is that really the right move? In order to better understand why people keep their infidelities under wraps, if and when you should reveal that you’ve cheated, as well as as how, AskMen spoke with three different sex and relationship experts. Here’s what they had to say:
Understanding the Secrecy of Cheating
Whether you’re the person who cheated or the person who was cheated on, it’s worth taking a second to understand why, exactly, people hide their infidelities from partners, as well as from the rest of the world.
“People hide that they have cheated for several reasons,” explains Dr. Donna Oriowo, a sex therapist and author. “On the one hand, people can feel ashamed and guilty for what they have done and want to hide it, as not to experience more emotional turmoil with a partner's reaction. On the other hand, some people hide it because they feel exhilarated by the idea of getting away with something. Those are on the extremes.”
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However, Jor-El Caraballo, relationship therapist and co-creator of Viva Wellness, believes that answer to be “a bit more complicated” than you’d think.
“Of course, it's hard to be held accountable for a mistake, and sometimes people believe they are doing their partner a favor by sparing them the knowledge of their infidelity,” he explains. “As a therapist, I know that many people who cheat also feel a great deal of regret and shame, which is often paralyzing. Many find it overwhelming to sort out what the next steps forward are.”
As to why someone would keep their infidelity in the dark, Oriowo says “not wanting to disrupt their life with arguments, crying, more guilt, and a possible breakup seem to be most heavy on some people's minds.”
Should You Tell Your Partner That You’ve Cheated?
Your instincts may well be taking over at this point, and for many guys, the instinct is to hide that cheating at all costs. But is keeping what you’ve done a secret from your partner really the right move?
“The jury is out on if there is one ‘best’ way to handle when you've been unfaithful,” says Caraballo. “This is a complicated issue and depends on a lot of different factors.”
For instance, according to sex and relationship therapist Janet Brito, “If you cheated decades ago, it is best to let that secret die, since it is most likely to cause more harm — for instance, let’s say you cheated when you were in high school, and now you’ve been happily married for 20 years.”
She goes on, noting that “if you have strong feelings toward the person you are cheating with and your partner senses something and flat-out asks you, it’s best to be honest. Lying about your cheating behavior is most likely to cause more harm than good.”
Oriowo leans towards revealing as the smarter option, however.
“When you cheat, you have introduced something new into your relationship, whether your partner is aware of it or not,” she explains. “That means they have the right to make a choice for themselves, based on this new info, of what they would like to do.”
In short, if you hide it, you’re robbing them of the ability to meaningfully consent to the relationship, since the relationship they’re in and the one they think they’re in are now no longer the same.
Further, there are some specific situations where it’s important to either reveal or conceal cheating behavior. Consider the following:
Situations Where It’s Important to Own Up to Cheating
One major facet of this consideration is the possibility of passing a sexually transmitted infection from a third party to your partner.
“I think it's critical to address the issues of health risks that arise if you've had another sexual partner outside of your relationship,” states Caraballo. “Your partner didn't consent to increased exposure, and making health choices for someone else is dangerous, and potentially has civil and legal consequences, along with ethical ones.”
Not to mention that STIs, like many things in life, can significantly worsen in terms of intensity and impact if not treated in the early going. Knowing your STI status and letting your partner know as soon as possible if you’ve caught any infections could be a literal life-saving decision.
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That doubles if you’ve caused a pregnancy, whether intentionally or not, according to Oriowo.
“Even if you are not involved, your partner has a right to know that you have a child or are having a child, especially, if you are tangling your finances and time together,” she says.
Situations Where It’s OK to Keep Your Cheating Secret
On the other hand, while it’s generally the ethically and morally right move to reveal that you’ve cheated, there are situations where it’s more prudent not to bring it up.
“If the relationship ended and you understand your reasons for having cheated, and you are no longer going to cheat and you are certain that it was an isolated incident that you agree not to engage in again while being in a relationship, then these could be reasons not to reveal,” says Brito.
It’s also a fair move not to reveal the situation if you have legitimate fears that your partner might become abusive or endanger your life, their own, or those of others.
“If you fear that revealing infidelity will lead to abuse, it may be better to remain quiet,” says Oriowo.
In that case, the problems in the relationship likely run deeper than just the infidelity. You should strongly consider addressing your partner’s demeanor, and potentially look at getting professional help, either for the relationship or just for them.
How to Admit to Cheating
If you want to talk to your partner about what it is that you’ve done, how should you go about it? With no “Admitting Infidelity for Dummies” to purchase, it’s not something most people have a pre-existing cultural script for navigating.
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However, because of the seriousness of the subject, approaching it the wrong way could easily turn a very difficult conversation into a fight, or a fight into a full breakup. So what should you do — and what should you avoid — when breaking the news?
Tell Your Partner in Private
“Make sure you carve out a time in a private setting where you and your partner(s) have time to truly discuss it without being overheard,” says Oriowo. “Making sure you have a set amount of time and a good setting means not doing it in the checkout line at the grocery store.”
Don’t Overshare
While you may feel like all this secrecy calls for a complete 180, there’s value in not spilling every little secret. If your partner asks specific questions, they have a right to know, but that doesn’t mean you need to fill them in on things they may not want to hear.
“Definitely let them know you have cheated, but do not over share the gritty details,” says Brito. “In my experience, there is more harm than good when the partner learns all these unnecessary details.”
Be Honest
This isn’t the time to fudge the truth. The value of sharing this kind of thing is in rebuilding a foundation of trust in the relationship — something that won’t be possible if you leave out meaningful truths or dodge pointed questions.
“Out of fear, many folks bread-crumb out truths, but if you're committed to giving your relationship any real chance of repair, it's critical to be forthcoming and honest about your infidelity,” says Caraballo. “While it may be daunting if your list of misdeeds is quite long, as a therapist, I've seen the longer term impact of bread-crumbing details over time and it's incredibly hard to rebuild trust with that kind of process.”
Don’t Dominate the Conversation
While this conversation may feel like an opportunity for you to exorcise some guilt, it’s important to remember that it’s about letting your partner in on the truth. It’s important that you give their response equal value in the conversation.
“After you state what you did, have taken responsibility, and apologized, allow your partner some space to actually process what was just said,” says Oriowo. “This does not mean leave the space (unless they request that you do), but rather remain silent and allow them to feel their emotions and decide what they need in that moment.”
Apologize
In addition to clearly laying out that you weren’t faithful, you also need to apologize for the breach of trust that you’ve caused.
According to Oriowo, that means you should “clearly state what you did, take ownership/responsibility, and apologize.”
She suggests saying something along the lines of,
“‘I cheated by having/doing ________ with someone else. I know it was a violation of our relationship.’”
“While it doesn’t need these exact words, no one should walk away confused about what you are apologizing for,” she says.
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Don’t Blame Your Partner
“No one is responsible for our behaviors but ourselves,” explains Caraballo. “While there are many factors and circumstances that lead to infidelity, there is no excuse for it if you've made an agreement to be in a monogamous relationship. It's important to be accountable for your actions, irrespective if it was your intention to actually cheat or not. It's no doubt hard to do, but taking responsibility is often the first step in a healing process for both you and your partner.”
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