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part one — part two — part three — part four !

𓊆ྀི❤︎𓊇ྀི

satoru felt like he was losing his damn mind. his brain couldn’t process what utahime was saying fast enough for him to form a coherent response before she shut the door in his face, but he figured he deserved that even if he had actually tried to say anything at all.

his thoughts were a jumbled mess, though one thing he had clear: he had this coming. he’d been selfish and self-indulgent, thinking he’d get away with not talking about his feelings as if they weren’t constantly slapping him across the face, not that utahime had noticed anyway.

after a solid minute of him standing at her closed door like an idiot, he finally snapped back from his thoughts, knocking desperately on the wood.

“hime, come on. open the door, you didn’t even let me say anything,” he tried to speak loud enough that she’d be able to hear him even if she was at the very back of her dorm, but he was still met with silence, which only made his knocking start to turn into pounding. “look, okay—i know i deserve this, you’ve every right to be mad at me but at least hear me out? don’t be like this, please,”

hearing nothing in return, he sighed, leaning his forehead against the door. he waited for about another minute, but still—no answer.

“i’m sorry—i’m really fucking sorry, utahime. i know i’ve been an idiot, and i know i’ve been confusing you, i’ve been… fucking selfish, and i know it. i really wish i could tell you how i feel, but i don’t want to do it through a door i’m not even sure you’re listening to,” he shook his head slightly, pulling back from the door and looking at it for a moment, hoping she’d open, “you’re gonna make me do it anyways, won’t you?” a small laugh left his lips, forgoing the bit of decency he’d actually tried to have not to use his technique so he could see if she was at least by the door, which— she was.

“look, i… fuck— i do have feelings for you, okay? i don’t even know how or when did this happen, but… i do, and i’m sorry for not saying anything, i’m sorry for acting like i’d been without telling you how i felt, i really am. i’d try and make up some lame excuse but i really don’t have any. i know i’m probably only making shit worse but at least i want you to know that i was aware, and that i’m sorry” he sighed, turning his back to the door, leaning against it as he slid down.

“you’ve always stirred complicating emotions im me, hime— i’ve just… i’ve never known how to deal with it, and i know i’ve been hurting you because of it, i’m not trying to justify myself,”

utahime was crying silently, sitting by the door to as she listened to him, willing herself not to give in, this sudden confession was not what she needed nor what she deserved, and she was tired. why couldn’t he just leave her alone?

“you never told me how you felt either, though… i’m still not quite sure what you actually want from me, i… i really wish you’d tell me too. i’ve told you now, haven’t i?” satoru felt as if he was talking to himself at this point, mindlessly voicing out all the thoughts that were swirling around in his head, “i really do like you, hime. i should have said it sooner, i know that. i just— i was— no, i am a mess. i’ve been a mess since everyone left and the higher ups started putting all the responsibilities on me, i’ve had to deal with a lot and i couldn’t be bothered with trying to understand my own feelings, but i swear, they’re there— they’re all for you, hime. i really don’t want to lose you… i can make things right, if you’d let me— take you out on a real nice date… would you like that? we could go to that place you had been talking about, and i could tell you about all the sappy shit i think about you constantly—“

his little speech was abruptly interrupted with the open of a door, making him fall backwards, wincing as he looked up to utahime, who was holding the door open with an unimpressed look in her tear-stricken face. her eyes were red, and he could hear a light sniffle, but nothing ever stopped the permanent glare she always directed at him ever since they were teenagers.

“get your ass off the floor, satoru,” she said, sighing in annoyance at him. he quickly scrambled off the floor, standing up as he looked at her with an apologetic expression.

“i appreciate all that stuff you said, but i’m really tired of all this. i think i’ve been quite obvious with the way i’ve felt for you all this time and i won’t say it, you don’t— you don’t get to hear it,” she huffed, looking away from him, “i just can’t keep doing this, satoru”

his face mirrored pure desperation, his eyes pleading as he looked at her, opening his mouth to damn near beg her, but she beat him to it, “no, satoru—please, just… leave me alone”

“hime, come on—“

“i said no, satoru! you can’t expect me to cave just because you said you liked me, even less when you only said it because i snapped at you! why the fuck couldn’t you tell me like a normal person? why did i have to force it out of you, satoru?”

he was once again speechless for a moment, his mouth briefly opening and closing as he tried to say something, “it was not like that, utahime, look— i’m sorry, please,”

“just leave, satoru. please,” she was tired, her tone soft and pleading despite having every right to keep screaming at him.

he sighed, knowing that nothing would get fixed if he kept insisting. he looked at her for a moment, his eyes regretful and apologetic.

“i’m really sorry, hime. i’ll… i’ll leave, for now, but— i really want to fix this,” with that, he finally stepped back, hearing the door shut behind him as he left. the walk back to his quarters was suffocating, his mind going a mile a minute, trying to find a way to fix things. he knew he had to give her some time and space, but he felt fucking desperate to talk things over and be able to have her in his arms again. he was in for a rough few weeks, he figured…

𓊆ྀི❤︎𓊇ྀི

maybe this will be finished in a couple more parts, hope you’re liking it so far!

part one — part two — part three !

𓊆ྀི❤︎𓊇ྀི

it was all too intimate. the way satoru grabbed her hand, entwining their fingers together as he kissed her, hips slamming against hers in a desperate rythm. the way he’d wrap his arms around her and pepper soft kisses on her face only to disappear in the middle of the night. he was infuriating, confusing, annoying and aggravatingly addicting to utahime. she didn’t know how, or rather she couldn’t muster up the will to break this vicious cycle.

they never talked about whatever it was that was going on between them, but if there was one thing that they both knew, was that it wasn’t serious. he tried to convince himself of that, for he was starting to lose control, starting to break his own rules—his mind was quickly letting go of the past to favor the tempting present he was being faced with, and the lines were starting to get blurred.

satoru was losing his grip. it quickly stopped being enough having her every other night, what was initially an escape, a distraction, a chance to let go, had now turned into a craving, a desperate need.

he stopped disappearing at night, staying until the sunlight crept through the windows, only leaving the bed to brew some coffee to share with utahime. he’d make them both late to their respective classes, and as if that wasn’t enough, he kept buzzing around her while they were working.

to say she was confused and overwhelmed would have been an understatement. she didn’t want to believe that satoru started having actual feelings for her, she refused to feed her own delusions. she thought she knew better than to let him string her along, but deep down, she knew he was already playing with her heart like a puppet.

she kept telling herself that he was just weird, that all of this was still casual, that there was no way he felt anything other than physical attraction. she had been a rebound, after all—maybe she was starting to be a rebound in the emotional aspect too.

she was convinced that she was still just a replacement for suguru, even if it had been almost a year, even with the way he had been acting for months now, even with the sweet words he showered her with. none of it mattered when he couldn’t even give her the decency of telling her if he loved her.

• ♡ •

utahime was starting to avoid him. it was subtle at first, making up excuses that were innocent enough—paperwork, missions, a made up meeting with the higher ups—but she was running out of options, and by the second week the excuses were getting silly, and satoru was not buying it.

he was very much aware that something was wrong, and even though he tried not to dwell on it too much, he was growing restless. he’d usually not show up uninvited, but he just couldn’t handle it anymore. she had once again turned him away and he was losing his mind over her sudden dismissal that had been going on for far too long in his opinion.

a very tired and quite disheveled utahime opened the door, not having expected to see the white haired menace that satoru was at her door, nearly an hour past midnight. she tried not to look so surprised—and somewhat guilty, too— but satoru could see right through her.

“oh, satoru—“ she greeted, cutting herself off with a yawn, leaning against the door frame, “what are you doing here?”

he narrowed his eyes a bit, looking quite unimpressed as he crossed his arms. had he not been actually upset, it would’ve almost looked funny, “you’ve been avoiding me, utahime”

“huh? of course not, i’ve just been having a stressful week. those bastards keep piling up work on me and i haven’t even had time to do my own fucking laundry—“ she tried to sound casual, but there was an obvious tenseness in her shoulders, and if there was anyone with a good sense of sight, it was very much satoru.

“that’s bullshit, and you know it. are you mad at me? why the hell do you keep making up excuses not to see me? did i do something?” he rambled on his questions, both indignation and desperation dripping off of his voice quite clearly.

utahime chuckled, shaking her head slightly as if waving him off, “satoru, im not avoiding you. i’ve just really, really been having a busy week”

“stop lying to me, utahime. you said you were busy tonight and it doesn’t really look like it. if you don’t want to keep seeing me the least you could do is tell me, don’t you think?” he pressed, taking a step closer to her.

sighing, she ran a hand through her hair, looking at him with an unsure expression, “look, it’s not that— that i don’t want to see you, still. it’s just… i’ve just been a bit overwhelmed, is all”

“overwhelmed with what? me?” he kept pressing for her to answer him, to tell him why she was dismissing him like this, but it was starting to get on her nerves. losing a bit of her patience, she frowned as she crossed her arms and stood a bit firmer.

“actually, yeah, i am” she replied, a hint of exasperation in her voice.

“wha—why? what did i do?” he sputtered, though he was still upset with her for simply avoiding him instead of telling him what was wrong.

“well, you—you confuse the hell out of me, satoru!” she snapped. it had been way too long since this whole thing between them had started, and never once had he told her how he felt. she was tired of having to guess what he was thinking, of waiting for him to decide he wanted her, for him to tell her that he loved her, or at least that he fucking liked her, anything, “you act like you don’t care if i live or die then suddenly start showing up at my door like this, staying the night and making me breakfast—making me late to my classes, too—” an accusatory finger shoved against his chest, “always around me in any way you can yet you never fucking say what exactly we are!” her last sentence was punctuated with an exasperated throw of her hands into the air, slapping against the side of her thighs as they came down, “the most you’ve ever said about… relationship? if i can even call it that—has been right now, asking if i don’t want to see you anymore. because apparently so far we’ve only been ‘seeing each other’? is that it?”

she was nearly panting by the end of her little rant, looking at satoru with eyes that were beyond angered. breathing heavily for a few seconds, she stared at satoru, who was standing dumbfounded, his cheeks slightly flushed as he seemed speechless. this only made her scoff, shaking her head as she rubbed a hand against it.

“god, what do i even expect out of you— i… i’m tired of this, satoru. i seriously can’t take it anymore. please just—let me be, leave me alone, i don’t fucking know. goodbye”

without sparing a glance at him, she went back inside and promptly shut the door in his face, letting the tears fall freely once she was alone in her room, and leaving an equally as hurt satoru at the door.

𓊆ྀི❤︎𓊇ྀི

because one (1) person wanted it (i think) here u go!!! tbh i could’ve finished it in this part but i wanted to know if the public wants to see more…. im kidding but seriously i’ve just started this account and i don’t really get any engagement so if you’re interested in this becoming a series let me know! as always this was not very much proofread but anyways hope you like it ^^

part one — part two ! — part three — part four

𓊆ྀི❤︎𓊇ྀི

satoru was well aware he was being a jerk. he didn't miss the way utahime looked at him, or how quiet she usually went after spending the night at his place, a mix of regret and resignation dancing in her eyes. it would have been easier for him to ignore all of that, maybe put an end to this unspoken mess they had going on—but he cared, and most of all, he was selfish.

since the first time he met her, she had spiked his curiosity in a way he hadn't bothered to understand, and he constantly kept doing his best to rile her up simply because he could. some sick part of him took satisfaction in the fact that only he seemed to spark those kind of reactions out of her, even if they were not quite positive. he had never been really aware of the damage his so-called lighthearted jokes made, the toll it took on her, until he noticed how much she seemed to overwork herself. sometimes guilt gnawed at him, but with much more important things—or people—on his mind, it was hard for him to really pay attention to that.

when he lost suguru, his whole world seemed to have crumbled down right in front of him, things had changed so fast that at the moment he couldn't even begin to grasp it. for the first few months after suguru had left, satoru felt like he was on another dimension, watching himself go through the motions as if his life was a movie. which, in all honesty, was not very far away from the truth. he had spent his whole life being the protagonist he never asked to be, people relying on him and dumping all kinds of responsibilities on his shoulders. he rarely got to feel like an actual human being, always putting on an act for the others, and he had lost the only person who ever made him feel seen the way he had never been before.

he felt lonely at campus, with haibara's passing, suguru betraying them, nanami leaving and shoko away to study for a medical degree, the only company he ever seemed to have around was her.

he didn't really have the energy anymore to bother and poke fun at her like he used to, he was simply a quiet presence looming around while they both grieved their losses. on days they weren't sent to missions, they wandered together the whole campus like ghosts, most of the time in silence, sometimes exchanging some words.

on rare occasions, satoru would sneak in a bottle or two and they'd loose their inhibitions, the alcohol making the conversation flow freely, vulnerability peeking through. it felt unusual, in all of the years he'd known her he never really thought he would have ended up cooped up in her dorm, passing around a bottle of vodka while they stole some weed suguru had left behind. it had somehow become a common ocurrence after the first time, these late night rendezvous.

he wasn't sure who had made the first move. the only thing he knew was that he felt starved for the warmth of another person, the intimacy between shared touches and kisses. he had missed the feeling of soft, black hair as he ran his fingers through, even if it didn't belong to the person he used to have in his arms.

he knew what he was doing. and he knew that she was aware of it too, but neither of them seemed to want to stop, and in all honesty—some of his memories had started to feel blurry, his mind wandering to someone who wasn't suguru for the first time in years. he didn't know what to do anymore, he didn't know where his feelings for either of them started or ended, he felt suffocated by the predicament and the only moments he seemed to feel at ease were when he was tangled around in the sheets with her. he wasn't really sure what he felt for suguru nor utahime anymore, but he was selfish, and he didn't want to let go.

after all, she was all he had anymore. and he didn't realize he was about to lose it too.

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lazily proofread, hope u guys like it!!! :p

part one ! — part two — part three — part four

𓊆ྀི❤︎𓊇ྀི

iori utahime was no stranger to pain. it was one of the many things that immediately came along with being a sorcerer, both physically and emotionally. it had always been a constant in her life, and though she was no stranger to it—she never really got used to it, either. not when she had first met satoru gojo, the mere sight of him so overwhelming that she had simply decided he was much too annoying to deal with. she was no stranger to pain when his constant jabs and jokes never failed to leave a stinging feeling in her chest, while satoru laughed away, unknowingly kicking her while she was already down.

she was no stranger to pain when she couldn't help but burn herself out in what she believed was just pettiness, wanting to prove satoru wrong. she was definitely no stranger to pain when she continuosly failed, left on her own as she watched how her peers kept improving, kept getting stronger and busier and far, far away from her.  she was no stranger to pain when for a moment, for a few excruciating minutes, she had thought satoru was gone. then the annoying bastard had healed himself alive. of course.

she was no stranger to pain, and much less to an overwhelming  frustration when she started realizing that she craved nothing more tan his approval. and how could she not, when he was the strongest after all? she had convinced herself that was the only reason. validation. towards her capability, nothing more. she didn't dare delve into it, she refused. because how pathetic would it be falling for someone who had dedicated any and every interaction they had into belittling her, making her feel less  than?

she prided herself on her ability to repress the shameful feelings, tucking them very deep inside her and wrapping them in a thick layer of anger and resentment. she didn't realize she had just hand-crafted a ticking time bomb, ready to explode righ in her face any minute. it kept reminding her that its timer was about to go off each time she saw satoru and suguru together. oh, how she so desperately wished he'd look at her like that even once. not that she would ever admit it, shoving the thought away as soon as it popped up in her head.

she was no stranger to pain when she could very clearly sense his, when suguru had left school, left jujutsu, left him. leaving him being nothing more than a mere shell of what he used to be. but  that opened a window for her, in a way. loud and boisterous personality nowhere to be seen, letting her in turn be a witness to a different side of him, somehow easier to approach—it would've made her happy, she thinks, if not for the unsettling feeling that had lodged in her chest at the sight of him like this.  she tried to convince herself she didn't care. she didn't. why would she?

she certainly didn't care because they had managed to grow a bit of a friendship over the past few months. no, she really didnt care, not even as she could notice him letting his guard down around her on very rare occasions, for a moment thinking he could ever look at her the way she craved to, ever since she was a teenager. she absolutely didn't care just because one drunken night she happened to stumble into his bed, letting herself pour out years of pent up emotions, even if she knew this wasn't nearly as meaningful for him as it was for her. no, she really didn't care. not when she had woken up alone, in a cold and empty matress, satoru nowhere to be found and not even a measly note on the nightstand, or a text, or anything at all.

she wasn't stupid. she knew she had, as of right now, been nothing but a miserable rebound. picking up her things and the last shred of dignity she could find, she headed back to her own quarters. she did feel stupid, however, when the next time she saw satoru she allowed him to act as if nothing had happened, when she knew  she had every right to yell at him for what he'd done.

but she didn't, she refused to let him have the upper hand, to undoubtedly admit that she cared, because she didn't, she didn't. but why did it hurt so much when she found herself roped into his little games, getting familiar to his touch, his smell, his bed?

she was well aware of what she had gotten herself into, she had known since the very first night. whatever she had with satoru was fragile, temporary, another hand-crafted ticking time bomb he had helped her build, a mess she had knowingly, happily agreed to be a part of, in too deep to even have the right to be mad at him for using her, because she had allowed him to.

she couldn't bring herself to deny what had been glaringly obvious to everyone else since the start: he had her wrapped around his finger, willing to take whatever he gave even if it was just some miserable crumbs, leftovers of the love he hadn't been able to give someone else.

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i wanna thank @reignpage for lowkey (highkey) encouraging me to write this. barely proofread, literally just pulled it out of my ass and its actually the first thing i've ever written sooo #kindanervous