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SKAM Big Bang 2019
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Published:
2019-03-08
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2019-03-08
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29,345
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3/3
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The edge of the earth with you

Summary:

"Do you guys know each other?"
"Oh yeah, he's the man of my dreams," Isak joked. Hilarious. Even could play, too.
"Really?"
"We've been keeping our love a secret for months," Even said.

-A romantic Arctic cruise along the west coast of Norway provided the perfect setting for Even to woo his crush. Accidently ending up in a fake relationship with a cute stranger, while the real object of his affection was in the arms of another was not at all in his plans.

For the 2019 SKAM Big Bang

Notes:

It's finally here! So excited to share this with you all!

My artist is the lovely, talented gif maker, Anja , who has been so kind and patient with me. Thank you for working with me :)
Have a look at her wonderful gifset HERE!!

Listen to the playlist HERE! while you read ;)

Chapter 1: Part 1: Plan A

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

 

The sun cleared the rain. As if some higher power sensed Even’s good mood and decided the day needed to match.

Today was wonderful. Any day Even got to see her was wonderful, extraordinary, spectacular. She smiled and the world smiled with her. It must have been her call the sun answered.

Even breathed in that fresh rain smell as he stepped off the tram. Today was–

Shit. Today was shit and throbbing and on fire.

The guy in front of him tripped on his way out and headbutted Even right in the nose. His eyes instantly filled with tears. Vision compromised, Even stumbled forward, tumbling into the apologising klutz.

“Argh!”

“Whoa! Shit! That was my breakfast.”

The guy’s crisp bread was soaking in a muddy puddle on the pavement. Served him right. An electric ache pulsed through Even’s entire face. This guy was strong.

Said guy sorrowfully looked away from his would-be breakfast to glare at Even. It was the cute guy Even made eye contact with on the tram every other day. He wasn’t so cute after breaking Even’s face.

“I’d apologise, but it’s kind of hard to see when you’ve been punched in the face.”

“It wasn’t a punch.”

“Suppose a full head is worse than a fist.”

“It was an accident!”

Blood dripped to the pavement. Even cupped under his nose. “Shit. You’re right. I feel better already.”

“You need a tissue.”

“That would be ni–”

“Good luck with that.”

Dick

Not-so-cute guy charged off, leaving his crisp bread to its watery grave. That alone gave Even a small sense of satisfaction. While his face was on fire, Not-so-cute guy’s stomach was empty. Ha.

Today was… okay.

He trudged the rest of the way to his building, hand slowly filling with blood. If that wasn’t the most wonderful way to begin the day.

It was 09:02 when the elevator opened on his floor. A large body shoved past him, ripping his hand away from his nose. A few drops of blood stained Even’s pale blue shirt. Wonderful.

“Whoa, sorry.” William gave him a wave before the doors closed between them.

The light buzz in his shoulder wasn’t enough to distract Even from his dripping nose. A metallic taste filled his mouth. “Ugh.” Such a glamorous life he led.

“What happened to you?” Noora looked somewhere between concerned and suspicious. The perfect set up.

“I got mugged.”

“At nine o’clock in the morning?”

“Nine O three,” Mr. Magnusson said, pushing past Even towards his office. His expensive cologne clung to everything in the room. An extension of his constant foul mood, perhaps. “You’re late.”

All thanks to Not-so-cute guy and his titanium head. Even was more pissed that he’d ruined his good mood. Until he saw her.

“Morning.” Sonja. Her dress was yellow and her smile was radiant. Everything about her screamed ‘sunshine’. She’d make a lovely photograph. Even was shaken away from the thought by her hand on his arm. Her hands were cold like his. “What happened?”

“The mob boss I used to work for paid me a visit this morning.”

She pushed him away, sunshine smile returning. A few more drops of blood ran down Even’s chin. “Oh, here.” Sonja pulled a small packet of tissues from her pocket and handed them over.

“You just had those?”

“It’s the funniest thing; I picked them up this morning and thought I might need them. And here we are.”

She was amazing. Even might be a little in love.

“Dress with pockets,” Noora admired.

Sonja swished the bottom of her dress and laughed. Even would get punched in the face every day for a year just to hear that laugh. God, she’s so–

“I didn’t make millions standing around,” Magnusson called, even though they all knew he was no millionaire. “Time is money, people, come on!”

The team scattered, hurrying to their designated stations. Even’s desk was in the perfect spot for him to be able to look at Sonja whenever he felt the impulse. Which was a lot. It wasn’t weird at all. There was nothing weird about a little crush.

“Excited for this weekend?” Sonja asked. Her voice. Sonja’s voice could make angels weep. “Even?”

He blinked at her. “This weekend?”

“The cruise…?” Shit. “I’m guessing you forgot?”

“I didn’t forget. I was storing it in a different part of my mind.”

“And what part would that be?”

“It’s a secret.” 

Sonja laughed and the day was wonderful again. Not-so-cute guy was a fading memory in the glow of Sonja’s smile. “Like everything else about you.”

That’s the way it would stay. “Giving too much away at once is boring.” And dangerous.

“Nothing about you is boring, Even Bech Næsheim.” She said it like she meant it and Even fell a little bit deeper. He was doomed. “Anyway, are you excited?”

“I won’t lie, I’m not happy about having to bring my expensive camera equipment with me on a boat.”

“That’s the price of being a brilliant photographer.” She poised her hands up like she was holding a camera and made a ‘click’ action. “Any editorial piece we do is your show.” She handed him her imaginary photograph.

“You’re a natural.”

You actually are.”

“Not better than me,” Mikael teased. He handed warm coffees and teas around to everyone… except Even. Mikael shrugged apologetically. “Everyone was here early.”

“And I was two minutes late.”

Mikael touched his fist to Even’s shoulder and sat at his own desk.

Another round of blood gushed out of Even’s nostrils. His body always had perfect timing. “Oh!” Sonja reached over to dab at his chin while he plugged his nose.

Sonja.

She was wonderful, spectacular, extraordinary. And her hands were cold, just like his.

“All better?” She was smiling and Even smiled back. It hurt, but he couldn’t help it. He would always smile back.

“All better.”

A scrunched up ball of paper bounced off his back. “Hope you don’t have a busted nose for this thing,” Mikael teased.

Even sighed, already weary from the two weeks ahead of them. The throbbing in his temples almost overpowered the sensation in his nose. “This whole thing may end up being a pain in my ass.”

“And face.”

“Getting paid to go on a cruise is a pretty good deal,” Chris said, peering over her computer. “I’ll write however many articles they want.” 

“That kind of thing mustn’t be a stranger to you, our very own superstar,” Even said.

“I wish,” she snorted. “Comedians don’t get taken that seriously.”

“Or you wouldn’t have to work here between sets,” Mahdi joked beside her. He dodged the eraser she tossed at him. He wasn’t quick enough to miss Mikael’s. “This is workplace bullying.”

“Or a hate crime,” Chris said. She answered Mahdi’s look with a cheeky smile.

“I don’t know if I want to spend two whole weeks with you goofs,” said Sonja.

A collective faux-gasp echoed around the office, resembling an obnoxious sitcom audience. “I’m shocked, Sonja,” exclaimed Chris. “Shocked!”

“This is a betrayal.”

“A hate crime.”

Even took a different approach. “I might need you there to take care of my bumps and bruises.”

“Planning on getting into fights on the boat?”

“That old mob boss of mine isn’t a forgiving man, Sonja.” He gestured to his blotchy face. “This is only the beginning.”

“You’re cute.”

So what if that made Even’s heart skip.

Magnusson’s gruff voiced dissolved any warm, fuzzy feelings in Even’s gut. “You.” Everyone gulped. He pointed at Sonja and went back to staring at his iPad in disgust.

She stood. “Uh, Sonja, sir.” 

“Sure. Come here for a tick.”

She sent a hopeless look of ‘wish me luck’ around the room and disappeared with their boss into his office. Their voices carried out the door. William reappeared from wherever just in time to hear his father say, “What the hell is this crap? What, did you smash your head against the keyboard and think ‘good enough’?”

Secondhand embarrassment washed over the office as if they were all in there with her.

Today. Today was shit.

 

*****

 

“Maybe you should take another pair of snow boots,” mamma said as she hurried about the room, arms full of various trinkets. She dumped them on the crowded bed. “You can take your father’s, he won’t mind. Jan? Ah shit, we forgot to get you a thermos. JAN?”

Even leaned against his old desk, amusedly watching his mother flit about his childhood bedroom. He took her arms to still her. “Mamma,” he said calmly. “I’ve got everything I need. Stop worrying, please.”

“But… the snow boots–”

“Two pairs are more than enough.”

“And the thermos–”

“Why would I need a–”

Pappa crashed into Even’s door frame. He quickly recovered and slid into the room on his socks. “I was summoned?”

“Only four hundred times,” said mamma.

“Sorry, I was taking a sh–”

Mamma held up a hand. “Do not finish that sentence.”

“That’s fair.”

It seemed Even had been away for longer than he thought. In his absence, his parents had turned into twelve year olds.

“Even can borrow your snow boots, can’t he?”

“Mamma, I told you, I don’t need–”

“Listen to your mother, kiddo.” Pappa squeezed Even’s shoulder. The warmth of his hand was unsettling.

“Oh, and do we have a thermos?” Mamma wandered out, muttering to herself as she went. “I’m sure we’ve got one hidden away somewhere, if only I could find the little shit…”

Pappa tapped Even’s nose with his warm index finger. It kind of smelled. Even flinched away. Pappa laughed at him. “What’s with that face, huh?”

“She does remember I’m twenty five, yeah?”

“Come on, she’s your mum. Let her worry about you.”

“That’s all she ever does.”

Even sat next to the oversized suitcase on his bed. Shower shoes and plastic plates and all kinds of crap he wasn’t going to need spilled out of it. Shit knows how he was going to close the thing. They could still hear mamma talking to herself while she tore the kitchen apart. Sometimes Even really liked being back home. Today was not one of those days. 

He bounced with the bed when pappa sat on the other side of the suitcase. They heard a coat hanger crack under his butt. “Oops.” Pappa laughed nervously. He cleared his throat and Even thought, Here we go. “We can be a bit overbearing sometimes, I know,” he said with more self awareness he’d shown since Even got back. A rather nice change. “I’m sorry if we’re… But, Even, ever since Berlin, things have been so tough for your mum.”

I’m a burden like always

“She barely sleeps since you - not to say that – well – uh… sometimes, you have to let us worry. All parents worry, especially–”

“If their kid’s crazy.”

“I didn’t say that. Even, please don’t put words in my mouth.”

You’re not denying it, Even thought. “Sorry,” he said instead because he was an adult. He knew this conversation by heart. Better to play it their way.

“Look… I know mamma’s acting out of sorts, but she is happy for you, going on this trip. You’ll get to be away from us for a while. Maybe make a move on, uh… Sara?”

“Sonja.” Glittering warmth filled his gut. Her name was all it took.

Pappa seemed to notice Even’s dreamy expression. He smiled and went on, “Sonja. And you’re going all along the west coast of the country. You’re going to have the time of your life while your poor old, jealous parents wait here for your return.” Even was unable to stop his smile. “Just humour her a little, yeah?”

“You realise she’s a grown woman, not a child?”

Pappa reached over to flick his arm. “You know what I’m saying. Play along and she’ll mellow out.”

“Alright,” Even chuckled. Pappa reached over to pat his leg. Even jumped up, out of reach. “Keep those hands away from me.”

“I washed them! I think.”

“Dad!”

“Found the bastard!” Mamma returned, holding a pink thermos above her head in triumph. She looked so pleased with herself, it was impossible not to smile along with her.

Even grabbed it and wrapped his free arm around her. “The trip is saved!”

She pushed him away. “Don’t make fun of me.”

“I mean it,” Even insisted through his laughter. He pulled mamma closer and planted a big, wet kiss on her cheek. “Thank you.”

She stroked his hair briefly before taking his chin to turn his head. “Mm. That nose is looking much better. Doesn’t hurt anymore?”

“Doesn’t hurt anymore.” He was glad the swelling had gone down. A puffy nose was not in Even’s plans for wooing the girl of his dreams. And woo, he would. Cold nights under the Northern Lights was the perfect backdrop for a romantic confession.

“Still sticking to your story about that?” pappa asked from the bed. Even sort of wished he’d piss off back to the bathroom.

“Is it so hard to believe I saved a nice old lady from being mugged?”

“Didn’t realise our son was Batman, is all.”

Stories were always more exciting than reality. That was especially true when the reality was some guy headbutting him on the tram at 08:50something in the morning. Even had decided Not-so-cute guy was kind of cute after all. He could’ve been nicer about the whole thing – it was only an accident. The nose bleeds eventually stopped and Even’s face wasn’t broken. And, it did mean Sonja being sweeter to him than usual. Even owed the guy, really.

He sent a silent message out into the universe; Sorry about your breakfast.

 

*****

 

The MS Oline was magnificent. She towered proudly over everything by the dock.

Even couldn’t get enough shots of her. A middle finger appeared in front of his lens. Even lowered the Canon he’d affectionately named Frank to poke his tongue out at Mikael. He laughed and flipped Even off again. “Hold it there.” He backed away to get Mikael in a shot with the ship. “Perfect.”

“Are you two misbehaving?”

Even jumped. He held his beloved Frank tightly to his chest. “Sonja.”

“Good morning,” she laughed. Her brown coat brought out the green of her eyes. She was perfect. He barely registered her gesturing to the guy beside her. “This is–”

“What’s up, losers,” Mahdi called. He and Chris danced their way to the group, giggling and puffing by the time they reached them.

“Losers, hey? That’s the smartest thing you’ve ever said, Difi,” Magnusson called. The team jumped. Magnusson approached them, gruff frown matching his dull grey suit. Why wear a suit onto a cruise ship? William walked a few paces behind him like a trained pup. Even wondered if he ever got tired of it. 

“Disi,” Mahdi corrected.

“Good for you.” He checked his watch, total disinterest clear. A man like Magnusson was far too important for pleasantries. “We need to meet the captain and some other people in twenty minutes, so get your shit and hurry up.” He paced towards the ship without a single glance back at his employees.

William raised a brow at everyone as if he were suffering as much as the rest of them and jogged after his father.

“Wait, we’re boarding a few hours before the actual boarding time?” Noora asked.

“Don’t question it, girl, come on!” Chris moved toward the ship in a half-skip, half-run. Arms spread wide, she looked like something right out of a movie. Even took a few shots, hoping to capture the childlike glee in her spirit. It was something to be marvelled.

While he was distracted, everyone had begun their trek towards the ship. “Oh, shit.” Even fumbled with his things and struggled to catch up. Gangly limbs did not help Even in a hurry.

“Come on, Bech Næsheim, we don’t want to have to leave you behind,” Mikael called. He was puffing by the cruise terminal.

“You’d all be lost without me!”

“Shut up, losers,” Magnusson said. No time for pleasantries, but plenty for insults.

Prick

 

*****

 

A mad dash to their rooms and up to the main deck left everyone sweating in their winter coats.

Magnusson grimaced once he got a look at Even’s flushed face. Any change in temperature was unkind to pale skin. Judging eyes gave the rest of them an unimpressed once over. “You could have at the very least tried to make yourselves presentable, fuck.”

His annoyance was somewhat satisfying. There were times Even wondered if he was a sociopath. Then he remembered his boss was a dick and everyone hated him. He’d bet money he wasn’t the only one who had dreams of kneeing Magnusson in the groin… and waking up with a grin. Violence was never the answer. Unless fantasising about one’s asshole boss.

“Everyone ready for the best two weeks of your lives?” A spirited middle-aged woman said. She was dressed in an official-looking uniform and stood with perfect posture. Several other uniformed people stood behind her.

Magnusson forced a smile at their new arrivals. “Oh, yes.” It was evident why he rarely smiled.

The woman, presumably their captain, clapped her hands excitedly. “That’s what I like to hear!”

Magnusson gestured to her. “Everyone, this is Captain Laila Haddad, Captain Haddad, this is my team. You’ll have to excuse their incompetence, they’re the best I could do.”

The captain laughed, though Even knew it was not intended as a joke. She shook everyone’s hands and tried to learn their names. All the warmth Magnusson was missing seemed to be in their captain. “Hurtigruten is excited you’ll be joining us on this coastline journey.” Somehow she made a generic line sound genuine. “We’ve got a large staff and a great ship with endless amenities, so if any of you need anything, we can always help.” Her companions all introduced themselves as having important positions. Even busied himself with candid shots of each person.

They all stood silently across from Even and his coworkers. “Anyone have any questions?” Magnusson asked, shooting Mahdi a pointed stare. 

“Oh.” He clumsily got his phone out. “Y-yes, can you tell us a little info about this particular ship, Captain?”

“I can tell you a lot. The MS Oline was launched recently, in 2021 as one of our few hybrid ships. She’s much more environment-friendly and energy efficient, which I’m sure you know are things we value at Hurtigruten.”

Mahdi nodded, furiously typing away on his phone. “I do. Oline is named after Captain Richard With’s first wife, is that right?”

The captan shared an impressed look with a young woman on her left. “Someone’s done their research.” The closest thing any one of them had gotten to praise in their entire employment. “Yep, this girl’s named after our founder’s baby-mama.” Everyone gave a polite laugh.

The schmoozing never ended with this line of work. Or any, from what Even had seen of the world. Fortunately for him, schmoozing was one of the few things he had expertise in. Say a bunch of pretty words with a flashy smile and he could make anyone believe anything. Not an entirely prideful skill, he figured, but a useful one.

“This is the first Hurtigruten coastline cruise leaving from Oslo, giving our guests a little more time to enjoy the ship and get to know their fellow passengers before we explore the ports. It’s a trial, and we’re so excited Nordic Escapes is going to be documenting the journey with us.”

“We won’t be a disappointment,” Magnusson said, giving the team a look not even satan would want to decipher. “Will we?”

The team made various affirmative sounds. Magnusson was unimpressed, as usual.

“We have no doubt your special issue will be nothing short of fantastic. Hurtigruten is confident in this partnership,” Captain Haddad said genuinely. She clapped her hands again. “Now. What say we chat a little more before we leave port, hm?”

 

*****

 

Loud cheers drowned out all the excited chatter.

Even took multiple shots of the passengers and shoreline as the ship pulled away from port. When the third alcohol-clad girl bumped into him, Even decided it was time for Frank to go away. He zipped the camera safely back in its case and breathed a relieved sigh.

“Not baby proof enough for you?” Mikael joked.

Even gave his case a pat. “Never is.”

“I can hold him for a while if you want to go get a drink?” 

He needn’t offer twice. Even handed Frank over to Mikael, knowing he’d be safe and sound until he returned. The beauty of being friends with another camera snob. “I’ll be quick.”

“Take your time,” Mikael countered as Even dashed off.

Squeezing through a crowd wasn’t much fun as a 6’4, gangly-limbed giraffe-man. Half the passengers he passed ignored him, while the rest looked offended at his mere existence. It didn’t bother him much. The desire for a cold drink was too strong. He was in the mood for something fruity. Maybe colourful.

His face was flushed by the time he finally pushed his way to the bar. “Heya,” Chris greeted. She swayed to the music, sipping a pink drink in a tall glass.

“Hey! You look like you’re already having fun.”

“I’m always having fun,” she said with a wink.

One of the many things he liked most about Chris Berg was how she found simple fun in anything. An easygoing person was refreshing to be around. Even never felt like he was playing a role around her. Chris wasn’t the kind to pry or push. She was someone who simply let others be. How he wished there were more like her.

Even realised far too late that he was standing way too close to the person in front of him. They crashed into him as they turned, drenching them both in freezing alcohol.

“Oh!”

“Shit!”

“You!”

Kinda-cute guy was even cuter with clear vision. Even laughed at the coincidence. “Do you make a habit out of bumping into people?”

“This time it was your fault.”

“True. And both times you lost your food.”

“I don’t think a cocktail counts as food.”

Chris danced over to Even and bumped his shoulder. “It does if you’re cool enough.”

“Or sad enough,” Even added.

“I’m starting to get depressed from this conversation,” Kinda-cute guy said.

Chris pointed her straw at him. “Shouldn’t joke about that.”

“Gallows humour.”

Even knew all about that. ‘Rather be laughing than crying’, an old friend used to say. Which was sad in itself, he supposed. The icy wind reminded both boys of their sticky situation. “At least a wet sweater is better than a punch in the face.”

“It wasn’t a punch.”

“And yet I got nosebleeds for the rest of the day.”

Kinda-cute guy squinted at him. “The nose looks much better.”

“The nose feels much better.”

They stared each other down for a while, pulling their lips in to hide twin smiles. Even cracked first. He usually did. Kinda-cute guy had a lovely smile. Even regretted he couldn’t capture it in a photograph. A stained sweater was all the evidence he needed that it was for the best. As long as Frank was safe.

“Even!”

“Isak!”

Sonja approached, arm linked with a vaguely familiar young man. They both waved with the enthusiasm of a boy band groupie on opening night. Everything melted away when Sonja smiled. The noisy crowd, the wind, the thick fabric sticking to Even’s skin. All that mattered was that she was happy.

The smile dropped when she stopped in front of him. “Whoa, what happened to you?”

“We had a little accident.”

“Wait a sec. Isak,” the young man said, cocking his head at Kinda-cute guy. “Do you guys know each other?”

“Oh yeah, he’s the man of my dreams,” Isak joked. Hilarious. Even could play, too.

“Really?”

“We’ve been keeping our love a secret for months,” Even added.

“Oh my God!” a squeaky voice chirped. It belonged to a vaguely familiar blonde girl in a pink coat. She was pointing her phone at them, making Even a little uneasy. “This whole time you’ve had a hot boyfriend?!”

Isak gulped at the camera, paling. “Oh, well–”

“That’s great, because I came over to introduce you to my girlfriend,” said the man and–

“Huh?”

“This is Sonja.”

Sonja extended her hand to Isak, who shook it mindlessly. She beamed at Even and gestured to the man beside her while all Even’s hopes and dreams died before his eyes. It was the beginning of the end. “This is Julian.” Fuck. “My boyfriend.”

Boyfriend

“And this is Even. My friend.”

Friend

Even was a fool. A hopeless, loveless fool. What was he thinking, coming on here, hoping he could sweep the most beautiful woman on earth off her feet? Of course she had a gorgeous boyfriend. She was far too kind, too magnetic, too wonderful to be on her own. This Julian must be something. He was the same guy who’d been following her around all morning. And Even had been too busy making googly eyes at Sonja like the pathetic fool he was to consider who he might be.

I’m an idiot

“You never mentioned you were seeing anyone.”

Sonja’s lovely voice brought him back to his horrible reality. “Oh. Actually, we–”

“–Thought it would be fun to keep it a secret,” Isak said, latching onto Even’s arm.

Even gave him a ‘what the fuck?!’ look and Isak responded with one Even hoped he was misreading as, ‘just go with it.’

He tightened his hold on Even, stomping on his already downtrodden hopes. Their wet clothes stuck them together. “You know, to keep the excitement alive.” Isak laughed awkwardly. All Even could do was laugh along with him. What. The. Fuck.   

“Wait, wait, wait, wait.” Chris gulped down the last of her drink and held her free arm out wide. “Is this for real? You guys are together?”

“Mm, Yep.”

“And you’ve been keeping it a secret for months?”

“Yep.”

Her stare turned on Even for double confirmation. “Uh, yep,” he said without thinking. Quite a problem of his, not thinking.

“You guys are so cute together,” the blonde girl said. “Eskild is going to scream!”

Isak pushed her hand away. “Can you keep that away from my face for one second?”

“Come on, my fans love you!” 

Chris clicked her fingers and stumbled. She grabbed onto the girl’s shoulder to balance herself. “That’s where I know you from! You’re that YouTube chick. Vilde-Net or something.”

“Oh my God, you’re Christina Berg!”

“You’ve heard of me?” She let go of her and tried to strike a wobbly pose. “My fans are far and wide.”

“I’ve seen like six of your shows,” Vilde said.

“Isn’t she funny?” Even enthused. Not quite as much of a joke as he was right now.

Two long arms snaked around Isak’s shoulders. He yelped and jumped away from Even. Freedom.

“It’s only me, baby Jesus,” said a tall redhead.

“Eskild, fuck!”

“So, this is the gorgeous hunk of spunk I’ve been hearing so much about?” Isak’s face turned several shades darker while Eskild looked Even up and down. He rather liked being thought of as hunky.

“News spreads fast,” Julian laughed.

Vilde held up her phone. “It does when you’re on livestream.”

“Shit.” Isak ran a hand through his hair as if he hadn’t gotten them into this.

Even wrapped an arm around him. “If no one minds, I’d like a quick word with the man of my dreams,” he said, guiding Isak away from prying ears and grabby hands and intrusive livestreams. Isak was tense beside him until they were deep in the crowd. “So, you wanna tell me what that’s all about?”

Isak got out of his hold. “Not particularly.” All Even had to do was stare at him for a few seconds for him to crack. “Fuck, I panicked! Julian was – and I thought he – I wanted to –” His shoulders slumped. “Shit.”

“You like him, huh?”

“No,” Isak scoffed. He kicked at the floor. “Well, yeah… I guess.” Even laughed. “What?”

“I like Sonja.” Isak thought it was just as funny as Even did. At least he wasn’t the only hopeless fool on this ship.

Isak pulled at the hem of his purple-stained sweater. “Maybe we could… could help each other?”

“What?”

“You know.” He glanced over at Sonja and Julian. They were laughing in each other’s arms. Ouch. Still, if she was happy…

“Isak, I’m not going to ruin Sonja’s relationship.”   

“No, I didn’t mean that, I just…”

“We could just tell them it was a joke.”

“Who jokes about shit like that?”

“This whole thing started as a joke, so…”

A series of loud pings came from Isak’s back pocket. He pulled out his phone while the pings continued. “Fuck.”

“Everything… okay?” Even asked, unsure if it was his business to ask.

“Apparently everyone I know watches Vilde’s dumb thing.”

“And now they all think you have a hot boyfriend?” Even waggled his brows.

Isak rubbed at his eyes with one hand, everything about him screaming ‘done’. “Why do I always get myself into shit like this?”

It stirred something in Even. Damn his heart. “Okay… I guess we could say we broke up.”

“Then we’d have to act all sad the whole time.”

It wasn’t as if Even had no experience in that matter. He took in Isak’s dark circles, his weary eyes, shoe digging into the deck. Surely they couldn’t – A familiar laugh got his attention. Julian was kissing Sonja’s neck and tickling her sides. They were disgustingly sweet. Which only served as a reminder of how much of a fool Even was.

He was going to regret this. “Alright. Why don’t we just pretend?”

Isak’s head snapped up. “Like a fake relationship?”

“Sure.” Making up stories was all Even did for fun, so this should be a breeze… right?

“But then we’ll have to spend all our time together and… hold hands and, I don’t know, act like we’re doing lame couple stuff.”

Even shrugged. “It’s only two weeks.” Isak scrunched his face. “Unless you’d rather explain to all Vilde’s fans we made it up.”

Another glance at their little entourage gave them a view that left them both wanting to bleach their eyes. Sonja was licking Julian’s lips, his hands resting dangerously close to her ass. Vilde kept her phone pointed at them, likely giving her viewers much more than they would ever ask for. If they went any further, they’d be shooting amateur porn.

Isak sighed loudly, drawing Even’s attention back. “Fuck it. I need to get drunk.”

Even followed closely behind him on their way to the bar. “I’ll buy you a drink.”

“Because that’s what good boyfriends do?” Isak mocked. 

Even flicked the bottom of Isak’s sticky sweater. “Because I kind of owe you one.”

“Consider it repayment for the nose.”

 

*****

 

The world beneath rocked. Nausea rose through Even’s gut as he came back to consciousness. Even knew it would be one of those days where it was hard to exist even before he was able to form a coherent thought

“Ugggh.”

A quiet laugh beside him made him snap his eyes open. He rolled over to big green eyes, blond curls and a sleepy smile. “Not feeling well, honey?”

“What the fuck,” Even groaned groggily. 

“Are you seriously hungover right now?”

Even draped an arm across his eyes. “Don’t laugh at me.”

“I’m not laughing,” Isak laughed.

“Wanna remind me why we’re in the same bed?”

The bed bounced as Isak sat up, unsettling Even’s already upset stomach. “Relax, we didn’t have sex.”

“Was my breath that bad?”

Isak rolled his eyes rather endearingly. “Do you really not remember last night, sweetie?”

Sweetie

The memory of a drunken Isak leaning into him came forth. One drink had turned into another, then another, until Even lost count. Isak was treated to a front row seat of Even’s low alcohol tolerance. They clung to each other all night, joking and cackling about their own idiocy while they watched the objects of their affections in each other’s arms.

Fortunately, their friends had been too busy getting trashed to push too many questions. That hadn’t stopped Even from stroking Isak’s back and calling him corny pet names all night.

“Would you like another drink, honey?”

“Anything for my sweetie.”

A faint memory of lips on his, hands in hair, a tongue against his, breaths mingling startled him so much, he shot upright. His head did not like that one bit and clouded with dizziness.

He peaked at Isak, who seemed amused at Even’s obvious realisation. “Not bad enough to stop your tongue down my throat, I guess.”

“You kissed me first!” Isak protested.

Their drunken bantering filled Even’s spinning head.

 

“We can do better than that,” Isak scoffed, glaring at Sonja and Julian’s passionate make out just metres away.

“Think so, babe?”

“Oh, you’re doubting me?”

“Not at all –” he burped “– darling.”

“You don’t think I can do it,” Isak said, scandalised.

Even twirled a curl by Isak’s ear. “Can’t judge if I haven’t seen all the competitors.” Another burp. “Honey.”

Isak pulled him closer by the waist, pressing their sticky sweaters together. “I’ll show you a competitor.”

 

Even raised a brow at Isak, cruel pounding cutting through the fogginess in his head. “That’s not how I remember it.”

“You tell anyone and I–”

“We’re supposed to be boyfriends, remember? No one’s going to care.”

He remembered Chris’s wolf whistles and Mahdi’s insistence that they ‘get a room.’ Isak’s phone blew up all night, while Vilde’s phone was an ever-present companion throughout. Eskild eventually dragged them both to this room and put them to bed, where they passed out cold.

Even tried to smile, but all his aching face could manage was a grimace. “I’m pretty sure everyone saw us, anyway.” Isak sank back against the pillows. “What?”

“Are we actually doing this? This whole fake relationship thing?”

“We can always come clean,” Even said, poking at a bruise on his arm he had no recollection of. “There’s nothing forcing us to do this.”

Isak rubbed his face. “Except the fact that we’ll look like massive idiots if we tell anyone.”

“Does it really matter that much?”

Everyone knows. You said it. How else are we supposed to explain it now?”

“So, then. We go through with it.” Isak sighed again. “What do you want to do, Isak?”

He pushed himself off the bed. “I want to go get food. Do yo–”

The door flung open, revealing Eskild in a fluffy sweater on the other side. He held the room key high in the air. “Oh, good, you’re up.”

“Can we help you…?” Isak narrowed his eyes at their uninvited guest.

“You absolutely can. I’m here to grab my stuff.”

Mikael slid into the room after him with Even’s monstrous suitcase. He pushed it to sit against the end of the bed, pink in the face. “What are you keeping in there?”

“Uh, guys? What’s going on?” Isak asked.

Eskild put on a pair of sunglasses and posed. “We’re switching rooms,” he said as if it should be obvious.

Isak snatched the sunglasses off him. “You – you don’t need to do that.”

“And keep you boys apart? Why, we could never!” There was a gleam in his eyes that said he was getting a real kick out of this.

“We don’t mind, do we?” Isak looked at Even pleadingly.

He was too hungover for this. “I’m too hungover for this.”

“Then, it’s settled! The lovebirds will have a love nest.”

It took several more minutes of shifting around and Isak sulking in the corner before all of Eskild’s things were replaced with Even’s. Isak eventually had to chase him out the door, Eskild yelling, “Remember safe sex, boys!” as he went.

Isak banged his head against the door after closing it. “Your friend doesn’t talk that much.”

“Kind of guy who only speaks when he has something to say.”

“Better than one who never knows when to shut up.”

Even laughed and the sensation hurt his entire body. This was his karmic punishment for making an absolute moron of himself. Yet he never learned.

Isak walked over to where Mikael had piled all Even’s belongings and crouched down. He was quiet for a while. Then, “Are you an assassin, or something?”

“What?”

“You’ve got all these little black cases. Looks kinda suss.”

“You got me. You’re my current target, actually.”

Isak’s head popped back up. “Oh, really?”

“Mm. But you might be able to convince me to change my mind.”

“How?”

“Water. Lots and lots of water. Maybe some painkillers. And then tell me about yourself.”

Lots and lots of water was how Isak became Even’s hero. He returned with an armful of bottles, along with some sandwiches. He scrunched his nose at the loot as he spread it all out on the bed. “It’s all I could carry.”

“My hero.”

Isak smiled through his eye roll . He dug through his backpack, then tossed a packet of generic panadol at Even. “Don’t take them all at once,” he teased. He got comfortable and tucked into one of the sandwiches. “So… what’s with all the bags?”

“You already guessed it.”

“Come on.”

After two tablets and a big gulp of water, Even was willing to give him anything. “I’m a photographer.”

“Of course you are.”

“What does that mean?” Even laughed.

“You looking like every coffee shop indie movie protagonist with your cool jackets and joints behind your ear and all your hair. Of course you’re a photographer.”

Even smiled. “You were staring all those times on the tram.”

“Staring… noticing. Call it what you want.”

“Alright then, cool guy, what do you do?”

“Working at a pretzel shop until I can get a real job.”

“Making pretzels is a real job,” Even defended. Pretzels were a wondrous service the world would be lost without. Even was very grateful to every and all pretzel shops.

Isak took a swig of Even’s water and handed it back despite there being two unopened bottles by his leg. “I mean like something I actually want to do. Once I’ve got all my qualifications.”

“And what do you actually want to do?”

“Paediatrician.”

Even nodded. “Impressive.” He finished what little water Isak left him. “Much more impressive than a lowly photographer.”

“Not with all your…” he gestured vaguely, “stuff.”

“Stuff.”

Isak pulled a face at him. Even reciprocated. “So did you come on here for the aesthetic, or?”

“No,” Even laughed. “You think so little of me.” Isak said nothing to correct him. “I’m with Nordic Escapes magazine and we’re doing a special Hurtigruten edition.”

“Like what, hot things to do in the cold?” Isak joked.

“I should introduce you to my boss. You could have a future in journalism.”

“Hilarious.”

Even waggled his brows at him. He opened the second bottle of water. “What brings an important paediatrician-to-be on an Arctic cruise?”

“Am I the next hot scoop?”

“We’ll see.”

Isak narrowed his eyes at him, the corners of his mouth turning up slightly. He shook his head. “It’s really lame. Our workplace won best small business for the fifth year in a row and our boss wanted to celebrate.”

“Not a bad way to celebrate.”

“Yeah well, our boss is rich, so we figure she has a few connections to get us the prices we got.” For her sake, Even hoped Magnusson wasn’t one of those connections.

There was a brief lull in the conversation while they ate their mediocre sandwiches. “And you work with… with that Julio guy?”

Julian. Yes.”

Even laughed, running a hand through his mess of hair. “I can’t believe it. I mean, what are the odds our crushes are dating each other?”

“It’s pretty weird.”

“I’d almost say it’s like the plot of an early 2000s rom-com.”

“Right, so you and I are supposed to fall madly in love?” Isak laughed.

“If this were a movie, probably.” But it wasn’t. “But it’s not.”

“No.”

They smiled at each other. Even held out his hand. “I’m Even. Even Bech Næshiem.”

“What are you doing?”

“We never had a proper introduction.”

Isak shook Even’s hand, amused. “Adrian Eksett.” Even quirked a brow. Isak chuckled. The gentle sound soothed his head. That, or the pain meds were kicking in. “Isak Valtersen.”

“So, Isak Valtersen. Do you want to be my fake boyfriend?”

“We’ll see.” 

 

*****

 

The one good thing about hangovers was that they usually didn’t last long. Even stood at the breakfast buffet the next morning, refreshed.

“There you are!” Mikael stood beside him.

“Morning.”

“You didn’t come out of your room all day.”

The headaches and continuous waves of nausea hadn’t left him until the night. Isak made fun of his low alcohol tolerance all day, though he took care of him well. “I was… indisposed.”

“Is that what the kids are calling it these days,” Chris joked, appearing at his other side.

“I probably would have thrown up on him if we tried anything.”

“Some people are into that.” The boys shuddered. “I love freaking you two out.”

“What’s freaky?” Mahdi’s plate was covered in a mountain of food. “Oh.” He nodded at Even. “You and your sweetheart.

 Even cringed. “Sorry you all had to witness my drunken antics.”

“You gave me some new material,” Chris said, moving along the buffet. “Don’t worry, I never use real names in my sets.”

“Yeah, but that blonde girl was putting them on her Insta and snapchat all night,” Mahdi said.

Isak was not going to like that. He was sitting with his coworkers a few metres away with a horrid expression on his face. Vilde was in the middle of some grand story, likely the cause of Isak’s expression. At that moment, he looked up and frowned at Even in question. Even answered with a smile and quirked brow. Isak rolled his eyes, redirecting his attention to his breakfast.

“Wow, you are really whipped,” Mahdi said, having watched the entire exchange.

“You missed Bergen yesterday, but Mikki boy got lots of footage you can take stills from,” Chris said.

“Mikki boy,” Even laughed.

“I’m okay with this,” said Mikael.

“Because all my ideas are genius.” She walked to a table with Mahdi, continuing on with her genius talk.

Mikael turned his stare to Even once they were alone again. Even shifted his eyes. “…what?”

“You and this boy,” Mikael said, glancing at Isak, who was laughing now. It was a much nicer sight than a scowl. “I’m not buying it.”

Even turned back to the buffet, putting a hash brown onto his plate. “What?” he gave a small laugh as if the very idea they could possibly be faking was ridiculous.

“Staring longingly at Sonja everyday for the last six months? Not as subtle as you thought.”

“What’s your point?”

“You’ve been making heart eyes at Sonja but you’ve been seeing ‘the man of your dreams’ the whole time?”

Even bit away a smile. The man of his dreams. This entire situation started with that damn phrase. “Not the whole time.’’

Mikael shook his head. “Alright, if you don’t want to tell me what’s up… Just be careful, man.”     

“When am I not careful?”

“I don’t think you want me to answer that.”

It was intended as funny. Instead it brought up a memory Even would rather not visit. Ever again. The sound of sirens were so close, even now. People’s gasps and laughs. All the sensations and feelings of that night were always right under the surface. The madness, the thrill, the shame, the humiliation.

Even didn’t finish his breakfast that morning.

 

*****

 

Tore Andes had to be the tallest man in all of Norway. The tour guide towered over Even, something he never knew possible. It was no surprise such a giant man had a booming voice that echoed in the street. 

“Welcome, everyone, to the Art Nouveau town of Ålesund!” He spread his arms out wide like a child showing their mother a craft they were proud of. “Take a look at these beautiful buildings around us.”

Even had taken several shots already. The town was something out of a fairytale.

“These are the result of a fire that devastated Ålesund in 1904. Anyone heard the story of the cow that kicked over the torch? They say that’s what started the fire that destroyed almost the entire city centre. The strong wind, coupled with all the houses being made of wood meant the town was pretty much doomed,” he said with wide eyes. He paused for dramatic effect, staring at the group a little too long. “Over ten thousand people were forced to flee quickly as the flames engulfed their homes… But!” The group jumped at his sudden exclamation. “Aid from within Norway, as well as from Germany saw the town being completely rebuilt into the stylish place you see today.” 

“So… the fire was kind of a… good thing?” William asked. His father whacked him on the back of the head as if he were a misbehaving child. Mahdi and Chris stifled their snickers.

“It was good for our development.”

“But everyone lost their homes,” Noora said sadly.

“That they did, Miss. But then they gained whole new ones!”

It was easy to look at a situation objectively if the person hadn’t been present. Even pictured the buildings around him in flames, people running for their lives, no time to mourn the memories lost. Christ. Had he always been this morbid?

Tore walked them around the town for over an hour. He had a little fact about everything, right down to the dust. Frank got a good work out with the hundreds of shots Even took.

The attention turned to Even when the group piled into a minibus and set off towards Mount Aksla, which Tore excitedly told them was home to the best view of the city, and in his humble opinion, all of Norway. 

The bus just pulled away when Sonja patted his knee with a cold hand and asked, “So, tell us more about Isak.”

“Yes, Even, tell us more about Isak,” Mikael echoed.

Even laughed nervously, having little idea as to what he could say. Other than the fact that Isak played a good nurse to the needy, overgrown child Even became when hungover. “Uh. What do you want to know?”

“How’d you two meet?”

Shit. They hadn’t thought of that. In fact, they hadn’t officially decided whether or not they were really doing this at all. Rather than discussing their options again, they’d ended the night laughing at stupid old memes that hadn’t been funny in years. This was Even’s last chance to back out and come clean before it was too late. He figured it wouldn’t be fair to decide without Isak’s input. Except, Isak was technically the one to start the whole ruse. And he wasn’t that bad. Two weeks was nothing.

The best stories strayed as far from reality as possible. The most believable stuck closely to the truth. “The tram.” Everyone but Magnusson, who was busy frowning at his phone, stared at him expectantly. “He tripped and I caught him.”

“Sounds just like a rom-com,” Chris said.

“That’s what I said,” Even laughed. “But he thought it was lame.”

“He’s right,” said Mahdi.

“How long ago was this?” Mikael asked, poorly masking his skepticism.

Even made sure to reveal nothing on his face. “Two-ish months.”

“I can’t believe you’ve been keeping your boyfriend a secret for two-ish months,” Sonja said.   

“So have you.”

“I don’t keep Julian a secret. We’re more private, that’s all.”

“Tell that to our eyes,” Mahdi scoffed. “I’ll never get the image of you guys licking each other’s faces out of my head.”

Sonja’s cheeks coloured a pretty pink. “I’m sorry,” she laughed, embarrassed. That laugh. How Even adored that laugh. “Wow, we never act like that, I’m so sorry.”

“I enjoyed it,” said Chris. “I don’t know what everyone’s complaining about.”

“The way you guys were going at it, you would swear it was a competition.” Mikael said, mischievous gleam in his eyes.

If that’s how he wanted to play, so be it. “We won, obviously,” Even said. 

“Whoa,” Sonja objected. “I think Julian and I made a pretty good case.”

Even remembered. Watching her laugh at Julian’s jokes and hold his hands and play with his hair and kiss him all night was torture. That must’ve been why Isak never objected to another drink when they both knew they were well over their limit. At least Even was. “Pretty good isn’t great.”

“Okay, Mister Big Romantic,” she said and oh, she had no idea. “Why don’t the both of you join us for dinner tonight?”

“Like a double date?”

“Why not?”

“Thought that only happened in movies.”

“You’re a big movie buff,” she said. “So why not?”

Isak was going to hate him.

 

*****

 

Julian raised a glass. “To… adventures.”

Even and their companions raised their glasses to reciprocate. Both ‘couples’ sat across from each other, making nothing more than tedious small talk. It was so quiet while they ate, they heard every bite and sip and swallow as if they were all chewing right into to their ears.

Isak was tense beside Even. When their eyes met, Isak’s sour expression turned accusatory. ‘You got us into this’, it said. Admittedly, Even was rather sorry for it. This night couldn’t be more of a disaster unless the ship hit an iceberg. Would it really be that much of a shame, Even wondered.   

“So,” Julian said, swallowing his pasta with a big gulp. “Isak said you met in our shop.”

Sonja frowned. “Thought you said you met on the tram.”

 “The first time we saw each other was at the pretzel place. The first time we talked was on the tram,” Even lied easily. “Remember, babe?”

“How could I forget?” Isak said sarcastically.

“I don’t ever remember you coming in,” said Julian.

Even shrugged, going for nonchalant. “Maybe I really do have a forgettable face.”

“Not to me,” Isak grumbled. 

“Lucky me,” Even said, bumping Isak’s shoulder with his.

“You’re cute,” Sonja laughed, hand in front of her mouth. She was sweet even with a mouthful of chicken.

“He’s a dork,” Isak corrected, bumping Even back.

A familiar voice made Sonja pale instantly. Magnusson was talking brashly into his phone about an unknown person’s incompetence. The person on the other end had to be the most patient being on earth. “Even just knowing she’s around makes me want to tie myself to blocks of cement and throw myself overboard, fuck.”

“I am so getting fired,” Sonja said.

“He could be talking about anyone,” Even said gently.

“He hates me.”

“He hates everyone.”

“I bet he’s just like Isak,” Julian said.

Isak frowned at him. “Are you saying I’m an asshole everyone hates?”

Julian finished off his wine in one scull. “No, I mean he probably acts all mean and tough, but deep down, he’s probably just a big old softy.”

Clearly Julian had not spoken to the man who may in fact be satan himself. The wine must be getting to his head. Sonja and Even struggled between scoffs and laughter. “I’d believe he’s a robot before believing there’s anything soft about that man.”

“It’s not impossible,” Julian said defensively. “We don’t know what he’s like in his alone time.”

“Sleeping upside down like a bat?” Even suggested. Isak was watching him, amused. “Something to add?”

“This reminds me of bagging out teachers in high school,” he said.

“He does treat us like kids, sometimes,” Sonja said. “My last online article sucked, so he banished me to a ‘what to wear’ section. It’s like, why am I even here?”

Julian rubbed her arm. “It’ll be the best ‘what to wear’ guide the world’s ever seen.”

Isak made a strangled sound into his beer. It sounded suspiciously like a gag. They exchanged a small smile, quickly folding their lips in so the others wouldn’t notice. Even glanced at his phone under the table, showing Isak the time. “He doesn’t appreciate your genius,” Even said without pausing his stealthy action. “But he will.”

“It’s getting kind of late,” Isak said.

“It’s only a little after 21,” Julian protested. “We can get dessert.” Who was the guy kidding? There was being polite, and then there was pure obliviousness. It was time for this horror of a date to end.    

Sonja seemed to be likeminded. “I am getting tired,” she said, stretching her arms out. The dimmed light of the restaurant created perfect lines and shadows along her white sweater. Even’s fingers itched for his camera. What a missed opportunity.

Julian’s voice snapped him out of it. “I guess we should call it a night, then,” he said, having the decency, or perhaps it was pure ignorance, to look a little disappointed at their proposed parting. “It was nice.”

Even plastered on a polite smile. “It was nice. I’m glad you suggested this,” he nodded to Sonja. “We had a good night.” Bullshit, bullshit and more bullshit.

He could tell Isak was holding in his laughter. “Mm hm, yeah,” he agreed. Keeping it simple.

They paid for their meals and watched Julian and Sonja walk off, comfortable in each other’s arms. Isak sighed. “I guess we’re really doing this, huh?”

“We can come clean anytime,” Even assured him. People thinking he was an idiot didn’t phase him. He’d been thought of as much worse before.

“Whatever,” Isak said. He led the stroll back to their room. “We need a story to stick to. So people don’t suspect anything.”

“We have one; It was love at first sight when you made me a pretzel and then you fell into my arms on the tram.”

Isak huffed a laugh. “That’s awful.”

“It’s what we got. Hope you’re a good liar.”

“I am the master of lying.”

“A little concerning, but useful.” Even chuckled at Isak’s play glare.

They easily fell into step with each other. “I told my friends we met three months ago.”

“I told my friends two.” Isak looked at him. “-ish.”

His phone pinged. “Shit.”

“Vilde again?”

Isak showed him what had to be the most unflattering picture he’d ever seen, coming from a photographer. He and Isak were locked in an open-mouthed kiss, looking like they were trying to eat each other. Their hands clung to the other’s hair and their legs were entwined. He wasn’t too sure how they’d gotten into that position standing.

“It’s on her Insta story.”

“Why wait until now to post it?”

“She wants to humiliate me.”

Even stood back, taking on a look of exaggerated shock. “Are you ashamed of being seen with me?”

Isak rolled his eyes and picked up the pace. “You know it. I’m not sleeping on that crappy little couch, by the way.”

“I won’t fit on it,” Even said.

“And you think I will?”

“Guess we’ll have to snuggle, then.”

Isak pushed him away with a laugh. “Yeah right.” 

Two weeks. It was nothing.



Notes:

I tell ya, it was a rocky rode mates and I almost gave up 2121 times, but a bitch pushed through.

First off, a huge thank you to Julia for arranging this whole shebang (see what I did there?)
Also a ginormous thank you to Catarina for all your ideas and support. And of course the threats from your hedgehogs, whom without this story most likely would have been abandoned. Everyone go read her Isak The Vampire Slayer fic!
Thanks to panshambles for coming up with Nordic Escapes! Otherwise the magazine would've been called something laaame, so thank you :)

I am in no way affiliated with Hurtigruten, but I do want to go on one of their cruises one day. A girl can dream.
If you want to know Isak's head space during the first scene, check out the song I hate you, my friend doesn't like you either by The Big Oaks, for a laugh

Stick around for parts 2&3 and let me know what ya think!
P.S watch Lovleg
P.P.S March/April is gonna be hectic with all the remakes rip

Come say hi to me on tumblr at thegirlyouknow
My ask is always open and I am always lonely <3