Work Text:
You’ve been gone for about 3 years now. 36 months without you - 36 months without hearing your laugh. No one knows where you went, no one knows how you left. Hell, you probably don’t even know where you went, or how you got there. 3 years ago, to this day, you were taken from me, in the middle of a vacation. All I can do is look back, and remember that Sunday.
I was going to ask you to marry me - now I can’t remember your touch. No one has seen you, but I have - running through my dreams. I started drinking again, without you there’s this black hole in my heart that only can be washed away with bottles of vodka. The nights are so long anymore - I can’t fall asleep without your hum of a steady beat that you thought up in your mind. I can’t seem to think about anything that doesn’t revolve around you, your skin when you stayed out too long in the sun. I can only remember your tiny accent when you would get too invested in a subject, which always happened to be animals. You just loved everything so innocently, but you loved me purely.
It rains all day now, I tend to think that the skies are crying for your missing presence in their life. I always wake up calling for you, and I call your phone, I call at night all the time, you won’t answer and I should know that by now. I don’t know where you went, or if you’ll be back anytime soon. I think you did pick up one time, and all I could hear you whisper was that you weren’t coming back, and that you had done something terrible. You sounded so scared, terrified to speak even. As if the slightest wrong word would set off a terrible war inside someone’s mind - too bad that mind happened to be mine.
Had I done something wrong, had I stepped over too many lines? Had I not gone home at the right time, or had it been the wrong time? Well I guess I’ll go home now, to be without you. There’s this empty space in my body that can’t be filled with anything other than your presence. You were what kept me alive, you kept me from breaking and collapsing in a tidal wave. Everything you did for me, kept me one more day strong. When you traced the marks on my skin, I knew that I was safe with you - I knew that you could keep me from releasing the pain that I had kept inside myself for far too long. I knew you were good for me, or I wasn’t, nothings really clear to me anymore.
This is my letter to you, I guess. If you find this, then there’s no way I’m here anymore. Without you in my life the pain keeps flashing, brighter and brighter every time. And with every flash of pain, I just get weaker. Empty bottles line the floor where your shoes used to sit, I don’t even leave my room to find out where anything goes anymore. This house is as disorganised as the thoughts in my mind anymore. You had always hated to see a messy house, so I know you can’t come back to me, I’m just a mess waiting for someone to come fix me. And as of right now, I can’t be fixed. This time, I’ll be the one going home, but for this time only, it will be with someone that has a different face than my parents. I’ll be facing what you were scared of - death. I’m not scared of it anymore, I know what it feels like to just give up now, like you had said. It feels like there’s no reason for you to be breathing, that air could be going to someone with a better cause. It feels like there’s no reason for waking up, for that life spent living on a worthless person could go to someone with the rest of their life to find their worth. It feels like a life without you, and I can’t stand that anymore.
Please don’t come home now, cause I won’t be there anymore. There will be an empty place in your heart now, and you’ll only be able to fill it with bottles of vodka, at least, I hope I had that effect on you. There’s this part of me that believes that you never really loved me, but that’s also the part of me that’s convincing me to do this. I’ll go home now, I want to fill this black hole, and I just can’t. I’m not coming back either, I’ve done something much more terrible than you.