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Regulus felt a rage he had never known. What was once a simmering frustration had turned into a full boiling rage. How had life come to this? How had he let himself slip so far? And yet, he knew that if he could go back and change the outcome, if he could reverse time and be selfish for once in his damned life, he would still choose the same path if it meant saving his brother. And perhaps that was what had made him so angry? Here he was making the sacrifice for his brother, a brother that up and left in the middle of the night without so much as a goodbye.
Regulus’ hands shook as a burning passed through his forearm, a burning that he had grown used to, and yet bile rose in his throat every time he was reminded of the ugly mark. He hadn’t wanted this. He so desperately wanted to scream to any person willing to listen that he needed help. But none would be given, not to him, not to the others like him, ones held in place by duty and fear. Young children who shouldn’t even be a part of a war and were now on the frontlines killing the same people they had shared classrooms with.
As he wandered the halls his mind drifted. What would it have been like if he had left with Sirius? Would he still have his brother? Would he know what a loving home looked like? He let himself imagine a different life, one not constructed around duty and family names, but of love and genuine connection.
The bark of a laugh broke through his daydreams, and a cold rage sunk into his bones. There sat Sirius Black, surrounded by his friends with their self-imposed title of the marauders. Sirius’ face held a lightness to it, his eyes danced with mirth, and his smile rarely leaving his face. How Regulus hated it, hated how he was compared to Sirius, hated how he would forever be the lesser of the two. For all that he did, all that he gave, he would never live up to Sirius Black.
Regulus hadn’t realized he had been staring upon the scene, sunken into the shadows and yet just visible enough that it seemed to catch the attention of one James Potter. Potter nudged Sirius and tilted his head in Regulus’ direction. Sirius looked over, the once smiling face fading into a worried frown. Sirius detached himself from where he had been lounging in Remus’ lap and spoke in a quiet whisper. Too late had Regulus realized that Sirius had stood and was making his way towards him.
Regulus spun on his heels trying to make a quick and dignified exit, finding himself entering an abandoned classroom before a hand gripped his arm and the door swung shut. Regulus hissed through his teeth, the once burning sensation spreading like a fire as he snatched his arm away and held it to his chest.
“Regulus?” Sirius’ grey eyes darkened as he traced over his brother’s anemic figure and pained face.
Regulus straightened, his arm still grasped by his right hand, his knuckles turning white from tension. “Sirius.” Regulus wouldn’t give him more. He knew that Sirius would quickly grow frustrated, would storm away in a fit that the untimely conversation was not going how Sirius wanted it to.
“Are you alright?” The worry was back on his face as his eyes bore into Regulus’ own.
Was he alright? The simple answer was obviously not, but how could he ever trust the admission of that statement to his foolhardy brother? The silence stretched as Regulus’ mind tried to deduce what he could say to get away from the encounter.
“Regulus…what’s wrong with your arm?” Regulus hadn’t realized he was still gripping onto the appendage, willing the slight burn to replace the waves of pins and needles that had taken over.
“Regulus!” It was as if time had suddenly caught up to the younger Black as Sirius tugged Regulus’ arm free from his body, moving the sleeve to reveal what Sirius thought may have been an injury, feared it may have been a persistent bruise that the young boy had gained over the holidays from their parents, only to discover something much worse.
Rage and disbelief filled the once trepidatious eyes of his older brother as he stepped back, his hands moving through his long hair. “What did you do?” The sentence came out in a shaky whisper as if saying them would mean that Sirius could no longer pretend this wasn’t happening.
“I did what was expected of me.” The words rang true, and for once Regulus allowed himself to accept his reality. He had done what was expected of him, and while he knew that he would forever be branded as belonging on the wrong side of the war, he could accept his reasons for it.
Sirius stood straight, his mouth agape and blood rising to his cheeks, disgust and desperation clear in his body language and facial expression.
“Why didn’t you come to me?”
Regulus’ mind and body went blank. Why didn’t he come to him? Why didn’t he come to him?! A laugh tore from Regulus’ throat, bitter and resentful as he stared at Sirius.
“Why would I come to you?”
The words seemed to hit with the same ferocity of a slap to the face as Sirius’ once disgusted expression turned to anger.
“Because I am your brother! I could’ve gotten you out of there! Stopped- this- from happening!” Sirius gestured to the marred skin, black, inky tendrils standing out against the previously unblemished arm.
“I don’t have a brother.”
The words felt wrong on Regulus’ tongue, words that had been repeated to him by his mother like a mantra, a belief that perhaps if said enough Regulus would stop praying for the day his brother would rescue him, praying for the day Regulus would be considered more than just a burden to someone who had at one point promised to protect him.
“You don’t mean that.” Sirius’ expression closed off, the blank façade both boys had learned since birth, taking its place.
“You gave up the right to that title the same night you gave up being a Black. The same night you left me to take responsibility for your failings!” Regulus’ hands shook. How long had he waited for this confrontation? How long had he desired to show Sirius what his actions caused?
“Regulus…” the words held a pleading edge, as if asking a child to understand a difficult concept. “I had to leave that house. I had no other option.”
“It’s not the fact that you left Sirius! It’s the fact that you left me!” Regulus’ chest rose and fell as the anger began to take over, anger that had been pushed down and ignored for far too long.
“I didn’t want to…”
Regulus reached out swinging his arm into a nearby chair letting it slam to the ground.
“STOP THE FUCKING CHARADE!”
Sirius went silent staring at his younger brother that he supposed wasn’t so young anymore. Who was once a calm and well-mannered boy stood a caged animal, just waiting for someone to unlock his chains so he could attack. Sirius didn’t know when his innocent little brother had turned into this cold-shell of a man, turned into, what Sirius feared, was the perfect heir of the most Ancient and Noble House of Black.
Regulus’ voice dropped multiple octaves, a broken whisper leaving his raw and bitten lips that would soon crescendo as his emotions took over.
“You stand here, telling me, that you are my brother, but you forget the fact that you abandoned me. YOU left Sirius, YOU shirked your responsibilities, YOU are the reason that I was forced to get this fucking mark! You want to sit here and act all high and mighty, then so be it, but do not stand here and pretend that you would’ve changed anything about the night you left. Do not stand here and LIE TO MY FACE that before this moment you cared about what would happen to me! YOU made your choice, Sirius, and LIKE ALWAYS it was a selfish one! So, tell me Sirius, where should I have gone? What should I have done?”
“You should have left! You should have never taken that disgusting mark!”
Regulus stared into the matching grey eyes of his brother, resentment filling his own. He shook his head, truly astounded at Sirius’ words.
“We don’t all have a James Potter to run to.”
Sirius took a step back, physically reeling from the words. Sirius had forgotten what it was like to feel alone, what it had felt like before Hogwarts, before meeting his chosen family. Had Sirius not had the marauders, would he be the same as Regulus now? Would he have taken the mark because the only other choice was death?
Silence enveloped the room and Regulus’ shoulders sank. He was tired. He was tired and bone-achingly exhausted at the sheer effort of trying to be so fucking perfect in every aspect of his life.
“You could’ve run to me…” Sirius’ words rang empty and both boys knew it.
“No, I couldn’t have.” The brothers stood facing each other. Like fire and water, the divide shown through, the sheer juxtaposition never more obvious. In that moment, Sirius realized that he had failed. That while he had run to a better life, he had left a young, innocent Regulus to pay for his crimes. And not only was Sirius allowing him to pay for his crimes, he had never even had a second thought about reaching out to check on Regulus, never sent an owl or said a simple goodbye. In Sirius’ desire to escape and move on, he never considered what, and more importantly who, he was leaving behind.
“Regulus I’m so sor- “
Regulus cut him off with a shake of his head.
“Good bye, Brother.”
Both boys stood for a paused moment, realizing that this was it. From now on they would be on opposite sides of the war, from now on they would no longer be brothers, but opposing enemies fighting for a side of a war they both carried doubts in. And here was his younger brother letting him go. Never had Sirius realized he was still holding on to the tendrils of his old life, never had he realized that as far as he had distanced himself, there was still a scared little boy cowering from the repercussions of his mother’s disdain.
“Good bye.”
Those two words held more meaning than anyone could understand. Two words that had needed to be said for years, two words that brought a finality to a brotherhood that both boys had so desperately needed and wanted to make work. This would be the end of it all. With those simple words Sirius was free, he could move on with his life, be whoever he wanted to be. And Regulus? Regulus, would accept the chains that would bind him to death. He would give up on the hope that his brother would save him and he would become the person that duty dictated him to be.
Regulus nodded his head both boys understanding the weight of the moment. With that, Regulus turned and left leaving his brother behind in a dusty room with emotions that neither were prepared to work through, just as Sirius had done to Regulus years ago.
Sirius rubbed his face with trembling hands and took a deep breath. He steadied himself looking at the empty classroom that he would never be able to forget. With one last breath Sirius walked out of the room, he turned going back to where the marauders still sat in the cheery sun, never looking back in the direction Regulus might have gone, and returning to his true brothers.