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My Dearest Pen,
I write to you because I do not believe, should I try to get the words out in your presence, that I would be able to get across everything I wish to say to you.
These past weeks have given me an excuse to be at your side and I will forever hold those moments dearly. I set out to help you find a husband, with hopes of repairing our friendship which I ruined with my thoughtless words last season. I am grateful you have trusted me and I do believe we are now even closer friends than before.
And still, I must say Pen that I have failed you.
Not in finding a husband, as you have attracted the attention of suitors with ease. These men have seen what I always saw in you the more confident you grew at each ball. I am ever in awe of you.
I have failed you by allowing my feelings to risk everything you have been fighting for. I let my passion get the best of me and with it, I risked forcing you into potential ruin had we been discovered. I do not regret anything that's transpired between us. I regret being so careless with your future.
Marriage to you would be a dream come true for me. And yet, I have come to accept this is not what you want or deserve. You have the likes of Lord Hudson, a man whose family wealth and name will bestow on you any of your life desires. I know as his wife you will be protected and have the freedoms to pursue your writing freely...
There is nothing I want more than for you to be happy Pen. You deserve it more than anyone.
But I fear I must be selfish one last time by being honest with you. I love you. I have always loved you. With every laugh we shared, with every kiss, with every dance I have fallen deeper in love with you. It is because I do that I must step aside and let you find your happiness even if it is not with me.
And I wanted you to know Pen. I want you to know how much I adore you. You make me want to be a better man. And I am taking the first step in that direction by simply letting you know the truth. And that I will remove myself from your way of happiness.
I plan on going on another tour to give myself some distance from you and to tend to my heartbreak. I hope it will also ease some of the likely awkwardness you'd feel around me after my confession.
Whatever the distance or time however, I will always be yours,
-C
Penelope finished reading over Colin's letter with tears flooding her eyes. She had only just stepped down for breakfast when a maid discreetly handed her an envelope. The maid had informed her Colin had asked her to be discreet when he dropped it off that morning. Penelope had considered maybe he wrote to ask her to meet him in secret as the last time they had been alone they had a heated moment in his carriage. He learned she was Whistledown and with that discovery, the last barrier between them broke
She had also briefly considered he might have been trying to write off what happened. She realized quickly those were her old insecurities rearing their face. She knew the way he had kissed her and held her there was nothing dishonest about his regard for her.
She never expected him to declare he loved her. Worst of all, that he believe he had to remove himself from her life in order for her to be happy. He thought Lord Hudson had more to offer her than him. Did he really not feel how much she loved him?
She opted to skip breakfast and look for him. Panic thundered in her chest at the thought of him leaving. What if he had dropped the letter off and left on his trip? She had to know if she still had a chance.
She grabbed her things and on her way to the door her mother's voice disrupted her drive.
"Penelope? Where in God's name are you going?" Portia asked with annoyance in her voice as if it was the most foolish thing.
"I am meeting Eloise early this morning. She asked me to accompany her into town..."
By some act of the Gods right at that moment Eloise stepped out of Number five across the street with a maid in tow. Penelope made eye contact and Eloise lit up with relief as she waved her down. Portia extended her head out the door to confirm Eloise was waiting for her daughter.
"Very well Penelope. Don't be long though. We have to promenade today. I do believe Lord Hudson was planning on joining us today."
Penelope nodded and in the most unlady like manner bolted down the steps towards Eloise. Once in front of her, she grabbed her arm and linked it with hers. She pulled her forward into a speedy pace a few steps away from her maid.
"What ever is the matter with you?" Eloise asked confused but nonetheless following her friend.
"El...has Colin left?" Penelope asked fearfully.
"Oh you mean on his rather abrupt tour he sprung on us last night? Did he tell you?"
"He left?" Penelope felt the color drain from her face and heart stop.
"Not yet." Eloise finally responded and watched as the tension eased off Penelope's shoulders. "What's going on?"
"El...there's...well Colin discovered what you know..."
"Oh."
"He was most furious with me at first..."
"Well that's to be expected..." Eloise interrupted. "Wait, what do you mean at first?" She said raising an eyebrow.
Penelope paused unsure how to capture what had transpired in the carriage with Colin to his sister of all people.
"Oh my God ..." Eloise said loudly. Penelope quickly glanced behind them to ensure the maid following them all was well. "You and my brother ..." Eloise whispered now with a grimace.
"Look El, that's not even...he wrote to me this morning. He told me he was leaving and that he...uh...that he loves me."
"Well of course he does." Eloise replied as if it was as obvious as the sky being blue.
"You knew?" Penelope asked incredulous.
"I suspected as much. He has hardly taken his eyes off you at any ball...well ever truly but much more so recently. And anytime he saw you with Lord Hudson he seemed so lost. I had never seen him like that before. It was quiet obvious he had to be in love."
"...I don't know what to do El. He thinks I deserve better than him." Eloise opened her mouth to likely agree but Penelope interjected. "Don't. This is serious. I need to find him and fix this before he tries to leave."
"Does this mean you love him too?" Eloise asked with a wide smile. Penelope blushed smiling shyly. "Oh that's wonderful! We have to find him!"
"You are okay with this?"
"You'll be my sister officially. How could I not be okay with this..." Eloise said pulling Penelope along the road.
"Where are we going to find him?"
"Well fortunately for you I am his favorite and he told me where he was going this morning."
Eloise and Penelope made there way through the shops passing the Modiste. Penelope was unsure still as to where they were going when she recognized there was publisher in the direction they were walking.
"El? Did he go to..."
"Miss Featherington." The voice of Lord Hudson stopped them in their tracks. Eloise and Penelope glanced at each other before plastering on a fake smile and turning to meet him.
"Lord Hudson." Penelope responded and alongside Eloise curtsied in greeting. Lord Hudson bowed in true gentlemanly fashion.
"Where are you to ladies off to in such haste?" Lord Hudson asked.
"Oh we were merely looking for my brother..." Eloise replied nonchalant.
"It appears you have found him." Lord Hudson stated pointing in the opposite direction. Penelope turned her gaze and her heart warmed the minute her eyes landed on him.
He was stepping out of the print shop and just as quickly felt the weight of an audience on him. He shifted uncomfortably likely not having expected to see her or worse of all, her in the company of Lord Hudson that early in the day.
Penelope could not move. She was frozen and flooded by all of her love for this man who was so close and yet too far away.
Eloise cleared her throat drawing her out of the trance. "Lord Hudson, would you mind walking with me to tea shop. I did promise my mother I'd pick up some biscuits before returning home...". She said without awaiting for his consent and linking her arm through his.
"And Miss Featherington...?" He asked as he was being pulled away.
"Oh she will just take a moment to deliver a message to my brother. You can catch up with us, yes?"
Penelope had never loved her friend more than in that moment. She nodded enthusiastically waiting a moment as they walked further away. Once they were no longer within earshot, she walked determinedly towards Colin.
"Pen..." He said her name so softly as he stepped down from the shop. "What..." He cleared his throat clearly nervous. "I take it you read my letter." He stated with his eyes downcast.
"Were you really going to leave without saying goodbye?" She heard her voice shake as she got the words out. Until that moment she had not realized how angry she would have felt if he had.
"No, of course not." Colin said finally meeting her eyes. "I...I was planning on going to call on you now actually. I wanted to do this first. I wanted you to be the first one to know that the publisher is interested in my journals. It's thanks to you I even considered any of this..."
Penelope smiled with pride, the remnants of anger slipping away. She couldn't help it, she reached her hand out and grabbed his tightly. "I am so happy for you Col. You deserve this."
Colin smiled and nodded, his eyes now focused on their joined hands. He cleared his throat releasing his hold of her. "And about what I wrote to you. I meant every word. I just don't think I would have been able to do so out loud. Being near you like this...it's rather difficult to think straight..."
"Colin..." Penelope started and then paused, reaching for his hand once again. "You were wrong. In your letter....you said my happiness is with Lord Hudson because he can offer me protection and freedom. But no one, and I mean no one has ever truly made me feel as protected and safe as you have. You were upset, rightfully so upon learning my secret. But you have only stood by and wanted me to succeed despite some of the trouble I have caused..."
"Pen, what..?"
"I love you. I have always loved you. I never imagined you'd see me as more than a friend and we'll, I've been selfish too. When you offered to help me this season, yes I was upset with you and I thought this is what I had to do...to marry. But I also knew it would mean I would get to spend more time with you. So I want to be selfish again, I want to ask you to stay. Don't leave. Stay with me. Choose me."
Colin moved closer to her, towering over her frame. A part of her recognized nothing about their current position in the middle of town was proper. The other part of her could not care less. This was Colin. This was her and Colin. The world melted away when it was just them.
"I will always choose you." He whispered, his face close to hers. "I will always be yours. My heart belongs to you Pen."
After a long morning spent running around looking for her love, Penelope found him in front of a print shop. There on an otherwise mundane morning for Mayfair, Colin Bridgerton kissed Penelope Featherington for all to see she was his and he was hers. And it was marvelous.