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Things have been getting worse, and Akutagawa isn’t oblivious to it. Since he was young and living in the slums he’s had to make do in his attempts to pass as male. By the time Dazai recruited him into the mafia, he had some good techniques to make himself appear cisgender. He had practiced with Gin’s help to make his voice deeper, made sure to pick the baggiest of whatever clothes they could find, and started using bandages whenever they had some to tightly wrap his chest and hide his small breasts. Luckily, being malnourished his whole life stunted most of his growth, including typical puberty experiences like a period and excessive bodily changes. As long as he can remember he’s been at odds with his body and fighting to be seen the way he desires.
This means he’s spent almost a decade binding in any way he can get his hands on, with no knowledge or regard for safety. Bandages were the norm in the slums and during his time training under Dazai. Once his mentor left and he no longer had to worry about his ability being canceled at any time he started to use Rashomon to hide his chest. He never knew there were better ways, or even that what he experienced wasn’t something wrong with him, that there are other people like him.
All of this accumulated in intense rib pain and issues breathing. It’s been getting worse over the past few years, and it’s been unbearable lately. He’s constantly straining and pushing against Rashomon to breathe, constant aches and sharp pains whenever he moves wrong. At night when he examines himself in the mirror he finds huge dark bruises along his ribs, which are tender to the touch.
Something is wrong, but Akutagawa knows there’s nothing to be done about it. His body was always destined for an early failure, what with the lung issues he picked up in the slums and whatever else he experienced in childhood. It’s just something he’ll have to keep pushing through to do his duty to the mafia before his inevitable death.
That’s a sentiment that’s been fading lately though. Ever since his pining for Chuuya ended up being reciprocated, and he found out that they were also missing Dazai in a way that was a little too intense to be anything but mourning and yearning for the traitor, they’ve been dating. They worked together to make a plan to confront Dazai about it, who was surprised but agreed, bringing the weretiger, who they were dating, along with them. It was quite messy at first, but after a few months the situation evened out. Akutagawa could stand Atsushi now, even eventually admitting to liking him, and Chuuya was absolutely obsessed with the tiger boy. The roughest part of their relationship was definitely the abusive history between Dazai and Akutagawa. They had two other people now though, who were keeping them in check and helping them work on communication and trust.
The trust bit was especially hard for Akutagawa though, who still has a massive secret. Any time he spends with one of his partners is tainted by the unshakeable thoughts that they’d leave him if they knew he was really just a girl tricking them. He’s spending more time with others, and in closer contact than he’d normally be comfortable with, so he’s spending more time binding harder than ever before. This is something he’ll never be able to share with them. He can’t risk it.
At least that’s what he tells himself, sitting on the floor in the bathroom, clutching at the angry red imprints on his ribs, practically welts. It’s becoming too much to handle. There’s no one to turn to. Gin is the only one who really knows, even if he started transitioning too young for her to remember any other way for him to be. It’s not something they ever talk about, but she understands enough. She doesn’t actively try to present as male, that’s just what some people have assumed and she doesn’t mind enough to correct them. It’s safe that way anyways.
But Gin is gone on a mission for a few more weeks, and that leaves him truly alone. The mission he just had left him in unbearable pain, uncaring as his phone kept ringing with notifications.
He stripped the rest of the way to get in for a quick shower to clean the typical work grime off. Best to just keep moving and get into bed as soon as possible to pass out and forget all about this. Pulling his pants down though revealed something he hoped he would never have to deal with. There was a big red stain on the crotch of his boxers. It took him a few seconds to put together what was happening before he realized that he had finally started his period. The more stable lifestyle and regular meals must have put his body back on track, he thinks in horror.
This is definitely too much to even begin to handle. He sinks back onto the floor, against the wall, naked with his pants around his ankles. He makes a disgraceful picture as his breathing picks up into quick gasps around sobs. This is hopeless, he tells himself. There is no help anymore. He’s reached the very bottom on the floor of his bathroom, uncontrollably crying and definitely dripping blood on the tile. His hands are going numb, and he pushes his face further into them, pulling his hair and shifting around to try and feel a little grounded. It’s no use though, he feels completely out of his depth and alone. His head’s spinning and he takes to scraping his nails up and down his arms and thighs to slow his thoughts. Everything is racing around him and he can’t quite see or hear clearly anymore, just succumbing to the waves of panic pushing through his shaking body.
He doesn’t know how long he spends alone like this before he looks up at Dazai, who’s trying to help him out of the panicked state. Akutagawa is confused, staring up at Dazai for a second before he realizes the state he’s in and sobs and chokes loudly, frantically pushing at Dazai to get out of the room. After a bit of pleading they concede, waiting outside the door, listening to the heart wrenching sounds. It’s only a few minutes before the other two boyfriends show up, called by Dazai.
The three of them decide to try sending Chuuya in next. She has the longest, most stable history with Akutagawa and some knowledge in calming him down when he was distraught over Dazai’s abandonment of them.
He gently knocks on the door, calmly calling out, “Ryuunosuke? Sweetie? It’s just Chuuya. I’m going to be coming in, okay? Cover yourself now if you want to.”
Chuuya counts to five to give him a bit to cover up if he can, then pushes open the door. Dazai briefed him on the situation, and Chuuya sees the blood stained pants, as well as the horrendous looking wounds and bruises on his ribs and chest. The poor boy looks terrified.
“Oh dear, baby, can I hold your hands?” His heart aches at the sight of Ryuu’s watery eyes peering up at him. “You don’t need to worry sweetie, I love you and I don’t care what your body looks like or does, okay? We can handle that later. Let’s just calm down a little first,” he says before taking the initiative to offer his hands out.
Akutagawa is still spiraling, barely aware of what’s happening around him. He can tell Chuuya is here though, and that he’s trying to calm him down. He slowly reaches out and puts one of his hands in Chuuya’s, using the other arm to cover his face and pull more aggressively at his hair.
“Good job sweetie. You’re doing so good, can you focus on my hands? Feel my breathing and follow me.” He firmly holds Akutagawa’s hand to his chest, taking deep breaths so he can feel them. This is something the two of them were at least a little familiar with. They had taken turns having breakdowns since Dazai left and always took care of eachother. Because of this Akutagawa knows the routine and starts to try and slow his breathing.
It’s just stuttering and frustrating him more though, so Chuuya quietly calls out for one of the others to bring him some ice and some cold water. It’s clear this one will take some more thorough grounding techniques.
“Hold in there, baby. I’ll make it better. Just keep breathing, it’ll get better.”
The panic attack gets a little louder as Akutagawa is filled with something like relief, furthering the confusing and scary mix of emotions swirling around.
The ice is delivered, and Chuuya presses it into Akutagawa’s hand. The cold is one of the best tried and true ways to shock his system into cooperating when he’s inconsolable. It seems to be working this time too as he cups both his hands around the melting ice, pulling his hands toward himself and toppling his body into Chuuya’s. He’s not prepared, but unsurprised as he shifts around to hold the naked boy tightly in his lap. He’s still heaving heavy sobs, frantically shifting around and pressing into Chuuya.
They sit together for a long time, rocking together as the choked sobs slow down and turn into sniffles, periodically grabbing fresh ice. Akutagawa manages to pull himself together enough to apologize, saying, “I’m sorry you had to see that Chuuya. You can leave and pretend you didn’t,” defeatedly.
Chuuya just shakes his head where it’s buried in Akutagawa’s hair, and says, “I don’t know where you got that idea. I won’t be leaving you sweetie, I told you I don’t care about what your body looks like or anything like that. The other two are right outside the door and I swear they won’t care that you're trans either.” He shifts them to a more comfortable position and hugs him even tighter.
“What are you talking about? I’ve been lying to you. I’m just a girl who’s been tricking you. I don’t even know what trans is, but you should leave now,” he says slightly confused. Chuuya shouldn’t be saying anything nice, he should be leaving now, they are all supposed to break up with him now and leave him completely alone again.
This startles Chuuya, the self-deprecating blatant misgendering catches him off guard, not to mention not knowing what trans means. There is something they all clearly missed here. How did it go right under their noses that their boyfriend is trans and yet doesn’t even know the meaning of it?
“Have you never heard of transgender people, Ryuu?” he asks gently.
“Clearly not,” he grumbles at the floor.
“Alright, I can tell you about it, can I let the others in? They’ll have important things to add to this too.”
After a pause he concedes, “Fine, let me get dressed again.”
Once he’s sufficiently dressed they open the door for Dazai and Atsushi, who were sitting worriedly outside the whole time. They felt sad for Akutagawa but knew it’d be best not to overwhelm him and leave it to Chuuya. So they waited patiently to be let in.
Akutagawa saw their expressions and reluctantly opened his arms up for a hug from both of them before they all settled down, cuddled up on the bathroom floor.
Dazai started the conversation, saying, “Chibi’s right, we can teach you what trans means. We love you the same either way. This isn’t something wrong with you, understand?”
Akutagawa mumbles a little in mild agreement.
“Ok, first things first, a transgender person is someone who doesn’t feel aligned with the gender they were assigned at birth. So a person who’s born a girl but later realizes they’re a boy would be transgender. It’s perfectly normal and there are lots of other trans people,” Chuuya offers, giving some basic background knowledge for their conversation. “People can use he, she, they, or other pronouns they’re comfortable with. Is he/him what you like?”
“Yeah, I’ve been trying to look like a boy since I was little. It has always felt better.”
“You can still use other pronouns, but that’s something to explore later, I’m glad you’ve figured this much out,” Dazai informs him. “I’m surprised I never noticed this while we were in the mafia. It must be hard hiding this so well from everyone.”
“I have to hide it, besides how were you supposed to know? That wasn’t your job, your job was to teach me.”
“Well sure, but considering I’m also trans, I thought I was better at seeking out other trans people than this.”
Chuuya and Atsushi nod and grimace a little, like they feel the same and are a little embarrassed about it.
“Yeah, I don’t know how we’ve gone this long without you realizing we’re all some sort of trans and without us noticing you. This feels a little silly,” Atsushi sheepishly pipes up.
This absolutely shocks Akutagawa. There’s no way he went from thinking he was alone in his experiences to finding out all three of his boyfriends are the same way in just a few minutes. He stares around at each of them, face pulled in an amusing picture of surprise.
“So were all of you born as girls?” he asks tentatively.
“Oh, no, there’s other ways to be trans we can get into later, but for right now we can just share our pronouns and a little bit of our genders with you? So you can hopefully understand a little without getting overwhelmed right now,” Atsushi offers, starting to pet Akutagawa’s hair in what he hopes is a soothing way.
“Oh, alright,” he says apprehensively. He’s honestly a little nervous he may have been offending his boyfriends without even realizing it.
Atsushi takes that as permission to go first, and starts out, “Well, I guess I’m pretty new to it all, I didn’t even know anything other than what I was assigned was an option, so when I joined the agency I started using they/them as well as he/him. I guess I just don’t feel completely connected with masculinity, but I’m fine with either set of pronouns. Does that make sense?” he asks.
“Yeah, so I can use either one, but how do I even use they/them?” he shyly asks.
“It’s just like when you’d talk about someone you don’t know, like, ‘Someone left their watch here,’ or, ‘They seemed to have fun.’ You’ll get the hang of it real quick, I promise,” Atsushi reassures him.
“I guess I can understand that, will you help me practice later?” He is suddenly determined to make sure all three of these people are as comfortable and happy as he can make them.
“Of course! All of us will be happy to help you learn this and get used to it. Do you want Dazai or Chuuya to go next?” He lets Akutagawa decide, lest it become a competition between the two of them.
“Is Chuuya alright?” He offers hesitantly, still nervous about the whole situation.
“Sure, I don’t mind going next,” Chuuya easily agrees. “I don’t really have much of a story for you. It’s more of a lack of caring or a lack of attachment to gender. I go by any pronouns and kind of just wear and do whatever I want. I don’t tell most people though so I’m usually just seen as a man, which I don’t mind.”
That seems really freeing, to not care how others perceive and just do whatever’s fun. If he’s honest, Akutagawa’s a little jealous.
“Do you want people to use different pronouns then? Should I just use different ones randomly?”
“Yeah, that’d be nice. I don’t care who you do it in front of either, as long as you’re willing to handle it if someone asks.”
“Ok, I’ll try to change it up for you. Should I call you different words? Like boyfriend or girlfriend or anything like that?” Akutagawa thinks he might be catching on a little.
“That’s a good question. You can use whatever gendered words you want. If I find something I don’t like I’ll let you know,” Chuuya tells him.
“That sounds good, thanks for explaining.”
Dazai cuts in, “Not so fast! I haven’t gone yet!”
“I wasn’t trying to leave you out, I was getting to you,” he grumbles a little. Slightly annoyed that Dazai still isn’t letting down their silly persona in a moment so vulnerable for him.
“Sorry, I know you weren’t,” they say a little more seriously. “Anyways, I think you’re going to find my story most interesting! It all started when Mori recruited me after I tried to off myself again and he saved me.” Chuuya groans a little at the way Dazai decides to tell this story. “Of course he knew I had female parts because I was pretty messed up when he fixed me, but apparently I also looked androgynous enough for him to be confused, so I told him I was a boy. Mostly to annoy him because he had transphobe vibes but it actually ended up sticking. I went by he/him my whole time in the mafia and practically no one knew I wasn’t cisgender. While I was underground and had some time to myself I decided I actually like they/them better. So now I’ve decided I like looking like a guy and being called they/them. That means gender neutral words too, please~”
The whole story was a little all over the place, told in Dazai’s dramatic storytelling voice, but it was so reassuring to Akutagawa that at least one of his partners was like him in this way.
Akutagawa just snuggles into all of them and says, “Thanks for telling me all that, all of you. I really thought it was just me,” he said sadly.
“Well it’s not, you’re not alone in this! We’ll teach you everything you need to know and I’m sure Dazai wouldn’t mind helping you find proper ways to bind your chest and better ways to cope with getting your period and all that stuff,” Atsushi says happily.
Akutagawa panics a little again at the reminder of his period, having completely forgotten about the initial cause of his breakdown with how well the others had calmed him down. “Oh my goodness, I don’t know what to do. I’ve never had one before.” He says with wide eyes.
The others simultaneously recognize the gravity of the situation, they didn’t know it was his first ever period! Chuuya, the most collected of them all at the moment, takes charge.
“You should start with a shower. Do you think you can manage on your own?”
“Yeah, I think so. Can one of you stay in here with me though?”
Chuuya nods, “I think Atsushi can do that, Dazai and I will go look for menstrual products and get you clean clothes and such. Where can we find that stuff?”
“Gin might have some in their bathroom. Just don’t snoop around her stuff please.”
“I’ll keep Osamu under control,” Chuuya reassures, before dragging them out of the bathroom with her.
Atsushi and Akutagawa are left alone and Atsushi turns to face the door so Akutagawa can undress and get in the shower. Once he’s in they sit in the silence together, comfortable just to keep each other company. By the time he’s done Dazai and Chuuya are back with some tampons and pads, comfy clean clothes, and a warm towel. Atsushi and Chuuya leave to wait for them in the bedroom while Dazai teaches him how to use the period products.
Once they’re all dressed up in comfy clothes and ready for bed they slip under the covers together. Akutagawa has a big sweatshirt on and wasn’t allowed to rebind before bed, so he's the littlest spoon with Chuuya hugging him from behind. They make sure to keep their arms low around his stomach to prevent accidentally making him dysphoric by touching his chest. They’re all exhausted, especially Akutagawa, so they drift off without trouble. Akutagawa has sweet dreams, finally unbothered by the weight on his chest.