Archive of Our Own ^beta

Adam

“Did you see that Conway had on that gay shirt?” Larson was saying as they walked toward the rink. “He would be the type. God, he’s such an attention seeker I swear. Being poor wasn’t bad enough, he had to go and be gay too?”

McGill laughed, so Adam laughed too. He hadn’t seen the shirt, and he really didn’t care. He was hungry from missing breakfast and wanted to get through these morning drills and head to lunch.

Walking into the rink he spotted Conway with his friends easily. They were always hard to miss with their mismatched gear and general lack of decorum. Conway and Germaine were shoving each other back and forth around on the ice, apparently trying to trip the other up or something while Moreau watched in concentration as if attempting to referee whatever the fuck those morons were doing. Adam rolled his eyes and followed his friends down the hall to the locker room.

There wasn’t really any specific reason for any of them to dislike the Ducks at this point. They had all been out of peewee hockey for years, moving on to bigger and better things. The rivalry was dead, but the grudge, apparently, wasn’t. At least for the Hawks it wasn’t. The Ducks seemed thoroughly unbothered by having to share the ice and summer camp with their old enemies, and Adam really wished his own friends could let it all die so easily.

“Grow up Lars” Adam said, “when we’re pro we won’t get a choice who are teammates are. Might as well get used to it now.”

 Mac and Lars shared a look that Adam noticed but didn’t acknowledge. He just wanted to play hockey, not gossip about Charlie fucking Conway.

“We’re not teammates with them” Mac pointed out. “It’s just camp. And it’s not like any of them are good enough to go pro anyway.”

Adam didn’t say anything in reply to that, mostly because he didn’t have anything to say. He thought the others were alright, but Mac was probably right. They didn’t have what it took, or the means to develop far enough, to make it to the level Adam and his friends were aiming for. And maybe it wasn’t really fair that what it actually came down to was money and training and facility rentals, but it was what it was. Adam had it. Conway and his friends didn’t.

Charlie

“Saw Larson giving you looks at breakfast” Connie nudged Charlie as they walked to the rink.

“What can I say” Charlie batted his lashes dramatically, brushing his hair out of his face a little. “The boys love me.”

Guy scoffed a laugh and rolled his eyes but said nothing. The boys really did love Charlie.

“I think it was this shirt” Connie said. She plucked the fabric of his sleeve and raised an eyebrow. Charlie looked down at it as if checking to see which shirt he had actually put on that day, then shrugged.

It was just a plain black shirt with two small rainbow hockey sticks crossed in and X on the front. He wasn’t going to hide who he was. He made that decision last year and was sticking with it. Fuck what Larson or the other Hawks said. Fuck McGill. Fuck Banks.

“Not surprised to learn they are homophobic” Guy said with a small sigh. “All the worst things in life to be are just a hop-skip-and a jump away from growing up as a rich twat.”

“So true” Connie groaned.

And Charlie wasn’t sure if that was true, but he didn’t argue. This would be their third summer at this development camp, and while it was true that most of the other teens that came here were rich, not all of them were. A few of them were just like Charlie, Guy, and Connie. Kids who saved their pocket money all year to be here with their friends. Kids whose parents took extra shifts to send them, or who worked odd jobs to pay the registration fees. And of the ones who were well off, there were more than a few they all really liked.

Apart from their peewee hockey days more than 5 years ago, none of the Hawks had actually said much to any of the Ducks aside from chirping on the ice when their schools played each other now. But they’d all been so spread out across their different cities, playing for so many different teams, that the Ducks/Hawks rivalry had long been put to rest in exchange for general dislike for each other as humans. Charlie didn’t like Larson, McGill and Banks not because they use to be Hawks, but because they were terrible people who covertly bullied others for not being as terrible as them.

Charlie noticed when the three other boys came in, but he and Guy were playing shove, and he didn’t want to make a thing of it by looking up. He didn’t want to give Larson the time of day for whatever comments he had. It was his mission to appear as unbothered as he could by the other three, and anyone else who had anything to say about him and his friends, because he had goals to accomplish. A dream to pursue. Plus, it wasn’t like he would have to actually interact with any of them. They never had to before, thankfully. He just wanted to get through the summer and learn as much as he could, then take that back to his friends who couldn’t be here so they could win as many games as possible his senior year of high school. He wanted to play in college, and to do that he needed to focus.

Adam

“We’re working in pairs according to skill” coach Orion said, holding up a clipboard.

Larson and McGill.

Coolidge and Hayes.

Germaine and Moreau.

Gaffney and Lee.

Lake and Jones.

Banks and Conway.

....

Adam could feel Mac and Lars give each other pitying looks on his behalf. He wasn’t too thrilled about the pairing either, especially since it followed the words ‘according to skill’. Adam wasn’t being cocky, but he was pretty damn sure he was the best center at the camp, and Conway wasn’t even in the top half last time he checked. Then again, he hadn’t really thought to check in a while. Or ever, really, because that would require caring about anything Conway did. Which he didn’t.

So Adam wordlessly lined up with Conway, and they worked through the passing drills around the obstacles together in their designated corner of the rink. They didn’t really look at each other or talk apart from a few calls of ‘here, here!’ and ‘pass it!’ but Adam had to admit that Conway wasn’t as awful at skating as he remembered. He was actually pretty good, but he was not about to admit that out loud.

“Everyone make a list of three things your partner did well and three things to improve on and have it by evening skate later today” coach called out.

Adam sighed and skated off the ice toward Mac and Lars near the tunnel, not saying anything to Conway who was clearly just as eager to get back to his own friends. He didn’t want to think about how shitty this camp was going to be with Conway as his partner, but it seemed to be the only thing Lars and Mac wanted to talk about while they changed.

“It’s going to stunt your development having to play with him” Mac said, grinning like he thought it was funny that Adam might be worse off for something like that.

Lars laughed along. “Fuck, dude, I can’t even imagine… try not to let him rub off on you, eh?”

“No chance of that” Adam said plainly. He knew from the previous summers and the games they played against each other that Conway was sort of a social butterfly, easily pulling people in and making them his friend. He always hated him a little bit for it. Adam had never been able to do that.  “We didn’t talk at all, thankfully.”

Mac clapped him on the shoulder, jostling him a little bit in that way he knew Adam found genuinely annoying. “Should be easy to pick three things he needs to work on, at least. Though I’m not sure how you’re going to survive finding one good thing, much less three!”

“Don’t remind me…”

Charlie

Connie and Guy wrote their 3 well and 3 to improve on for each other over lunch, sharing them constructively and playfully in that way they always did that made them such a good team. Charlie was having a hard time dissecting Banks’ game though, mainly because he had genuinely tried not to pay attention to it all that much. He was focusing on himself, which he supposed was Orion’s point. The purpose had been to play off of each other, not to do whatever he and Banks had been doing.

In the end he settled on:

3 good: Puck handling. Shot accuracy. General skating ability.

3 to improve: Communication. Stick handling. Awareness.

He realized that the communication and awareness were also things he could work on with Banks, though they were not usually things he had a problem with. He didn’t feel bad about putting them because he really figured Banks would put something similar for him. But he didn’t.

“You really couldn’t think of a single thing I did alright?” Charlie asked, crumpling the paper Adam handed him in his fist a little.

Adam rolled his eyes and pointed to one of the things Charlie had written for him. “Maybe I just wasn’t being aware enough.”

“Fuck you, Banks.”

“No thank you” Adam mumbled, clearly trying to not actually be heard. But Charlie did hear it, and the instinct to hit Banks in his stupid rich boy face was too strong for him to fight.

Charlie tackled him to the ice, attempting to push his helmet off to get a good punch in, but not managing it. “Really, Banks? A fucking gay joke, that’s the best you’ve got?!”

Banks responded immediately, hauling Charlie bodily off of him and pinning him to the ground. “That’s not what I meant, but go ahead and play the victim! You’re already so good at it!”

Coach Orion was on them in seconds, pulling them apart and screaming for them to freeze.

“What the hell?!” he asked, looking to the boys in turn.

“He started it!” Banks spat.

Charlie said nothing, just glared across the small stretch of ice between them at Banks, trying not to let himself cry out of pure adrenaline-fueled anger. Guy and Connie moved to stand on either side of him. He couldn’t tell if it was to hold him back if Banks said something stupid, or to comfort him because they knew that look on his face, but he didn’t care either way. It made him feel braver, calmer.

“Conway?”

“He’s not taking the assignment seriously, coach.”

He didn’t really want to give any of the other Hawks the satisfaction of knowing Banks had affected him with his comment. Plus, he wasn’t even 100% sure Banks had said it because Charlie was gay. Connie usually said something similar anytime he told her to Fuck off. And that playing the victim comment really irked him too.

“That’s it?” Coach Orion did not look impressed.

“Well, he’s also a dick, sir.”

Guy snorted under his breath next to him and Connie breathed out a little laugh.

Coach looked between the two of them, then at the soggy papers he had picked up off of the ice. “Kitchen duty. After dinner. Both of you” he said simply. “Moreau, work with Banks for the rest of drills. Conway, with Germaine,” Then he skated off.

Adam

“What did you say to him?” Moreau asked as soon as the crowd had started to break up. She sounded pissed, and Adam had a tiny jolt of panic run through him at the realization that she might try and hit him, and he wasn’t sure what to do about that. She’s a girl, but she’s a hockey player too. And he got the feeling it would only make her want to hit him more if he treated her differently.

“None of your business.”

She scoffed and circled him, head tilted like she was trying to figure him out. “It is, though. You see, Charlie is my best friend. I will literally murder you for him if he asks me to, and he had that look-” she glared her eyes dramatically, trying to imitate Conway- “and he only gets that look when he actually gets his feelings hurt, which is rare. And since he doesn’t care at all what you think about his hockey, I have to assume it wasn’t about that fucking paper.”

“I’m not talking about this with you” Adam said, crossing his arms in that way he’d been told looks intimidating.

She just laughed derisively, clearly unaffected, and started to work through the drills. Adam watched her, calling for her to pass when she got to the end. He made it a point to focus a little more on his awareness and communication, two things Conway had put on his list of things he could improve on. He had no idea what he’d meant by stick handling though, and it bothered him how vague it was. He made up his mind to ask about it later when they were doing dishes, knowing he might have to apologize in order to get the information out of him, even though he didn’t really feel like he had anything to apologize for. He really hadn’t meant it that way, though when he told Lars and Mac about it after drills, they laughed as if he had. It made Adam feel uncomfortable, and all through the day he couldn’t stop thinking about what Moreau had said.

He only gets that look when he actually gets his feelings hurt…

He wasn’t sure he cared all that much about Conway’s feelings, but it did send a small wave of jealousy through him that he had friends that knew him well enough to spot when he was upset, and that actually care about it enough to say something. His own friends could never. And even if they could, they wouldn’t.

“It wasn’t a gay joke” Adam said as soon as he saw Conway that night. He was already at the sink, elbow deep in sudsy dish water. Adam internally cringed at the thought of having to put his hands in something full of dishes that had been in other people’s mouths. “Believe me, ok?”

Conway looked up for a half second, then went back to scrubbing. “Ok.”

Well, that seemed too easy.

“Really, Ok? That’s it?”

“I mean, what do you want me to say? I’m not going to spend my time convincing you that you’re a homophobe when we don’t even know each other.”

Adam couldn’t think of anything to say to that because they really didn’t know each other, so he just stood there.

“You do have to actually help” Conway said after a moment.

“I… isn’t there a dishwasher?”

Conway laughed. “Of course there is, but we’re being punished you moron.” He set a clean plate on the nearly full drying rack and started on another before nodding to the counter near them. “You can dry if you want. Or you can wash, and I can dry. I don’t really care, but I want to get this done so I can meet my friends, so can you...”

Adam nodded and grabbed the towel, silently so fucking thankful he didn’t have to wash anything dirty. He’d have done it, of course, but he’d have had to work really really hard not to visibly cringe, and that wasn’t an option around Charlie fucking Conway.

They worked in silence for a while, getting into a rhythm. After a they finished the plates, Conway drained the water in the sink and filled it up with fresh soapy suds, and he helped Adam dry the few dishes still on the rack while they waited for the water to run.

“We wouldn’t be here if you had just done the assignment” Conway sighed. “Unlike you, I have to take this camp seriously.”

“I take it seriously!”

Conway just looked at him for a moment, disbelieving, then moved back to washing silverware in the fresh water.

“I really couldn’t think of anything” Adam added, sensing Conway wasn’t going to reply. “Not because I think you’re shit at hockey, but because everything I could think of was so… I don’t know… vague.”

He scoffed, so Adam decided to just continue. He really wanted Conway to explain the stick handling thing, and he figured he did sort of owe him an explanation. No one was going to tell Adam Banks he wasn’t taking anything to do with hockey seriously.

“I just mean like… You’ve gotten a lot better. Skating has improved. Your passing has improved. Your footwork has improved. You seem to be able to carry the puck more than a few feet without falling now…”

Conway actually laughed at that, a real laugh, and the sound sunk down into a place inside of Adam’s chest that felt deeper than he realized any sound could go. It felt nice, but it also felt a little uncomfortable.

“Hey!” Conway mock scolded, “I’ve been able to move the puck without falling since I beat you when we were 11, thank you very much!”

“Alright” Adam laughed too, not really sure where it was coming from, not sure why it felt so good. “That’s fair. But it’s gotten better. It’s… you’re good.”

Conway looked at him for a moment, studying him while the smile slowly fell from his face like he was realizing who he was actually talking to and laughing with.

“Thanks” he said simply, turning back to the sink and washing a few butter knives before handing them off to Adam to dry.

And Adam wasn’t really in the mood to try and decipher all of those looks like Conway’s friends did, so he just moved on to what he really wanted to talk about.

“What did you mean by stick handling?”

Conway took a deep breath, then passed some more knives off. “You hold your stick weird- like… it’s too far out. If I really wanted to it would be so easy to just knock it right out of your hand.”

“No, I don’t!”

“Ok” Conway said easily, shrugging the reply off. “Whatever. Then you don’t. You don’t have to listen to anything I say, but that’s what I saw.” He clearly wasn’t looking to argue.

Adam mentally went over how he held his stick in his hand. It didn’t seem off to him, but he knew he wasn’t going to be able to stop thinking about it.

“I’ll… I’ll consider it” Adam said. “Next time we’re on the ice.”

Conway nodded, brows raised a little like he didn’t care, or like maybe he didn’t really believe it.

They finished the rest of the dishes in silence, then walked out of the kitchens together. Germaine and Moreau were waiting for Conway at one of the tables in the cafeteria, talking animatedly about something Adam couldn’t hear. Conway was looking down at his phone when they spotted him, so Germaine called out “hey, Charlie!” to get his attention, and all three friends smiled at the same time. Adam felt that twinge of jealousy rise up in him. He didn’t bother to look around for his own friends. He knew they wouldn’t be waiting for him.

Charlie

Banks had listed edge work, wrist placement, and skating backward as the three things Charlie could improve on. It had surprised him to see them because they were so specific, but Charlie figured it was fair. He knew he had weaknesses, they all did, that’s why you go to development camp. He wanted to get better, and he spent the next few days working on the things Banks had listed.

“Banks!” coach called over the noise of two dozen skaters doing drills as he skated over to their corner of the rink. Charlie had hoped they wouldn’t have to partner together again after their fight, but coach didn’t care, he expected them to work it out. “Conway told you to work on the stick handling.”

Charlie felt a little smug at that and he fought hard to repress the urge to say I told you so. They had gotten the attention of several other groups around them, and Banks’ face turned red with embarrassment. Charlie could hear his two asshole best friends Larson and McGill laughing a little a few groups down too.

“I didn’t get to explain it, coach” Charlie said, not sure why he was coming to Banks’ defense. It confused him a little why he even cared, so he backtracked a bit and added: “his face was too punchable, remember?”

Coach did not look impressed, but he didn’t say anything. Charlie guessed he’d hoped they had actually worked it out. They hadn’t, but they were working together a little easier the last few days than they had been before, even if they still didn’t talk much, and Charlie felt like that was a decent improvement.

“Well explain it now” he said simply, then skated off to watch another group.

“I told you” Charlie said once everyone had gone back to minding their own business.

Banks rolled his eyes and crossed his arms. “Bet it took a lot to hold that in so long.”

“It really did” Charlie laughed. Banks didn’t laugh too, but he uncrossed his arms, and Charlie figured that was gesture enough.

“Hold your stick like your accepting a pass” he said. Banks got into position, and Charlie immediately knocked the stick from his hands with his stick, making it look like an accident as he skated past.

“Well, that’s dirty” Banks said.

Charlie picked up the stick he had knocked away and handed it back to him. “That’s hockey” he said. “I wouldn’t do it, but someone is going to. You make it so easy. Try this...”

They worked on it for the half hour or so they had left before lunch, then skated back to their friends on opposite sides of the rink. To Charlie it felt like a peace offering. A forced one that he never really intended to make or receive, and that he would have been absolutely fine to carry on with his life without, but still.

“Took everything in me not to fall on the ice laughing at that his face was too punchable comment” Guy grinned as they walked out to the cafeteria. “Epic.”

Connie groaned a little between them. “I thought Orion was going to bench you for the scrim for that one.”

“Nah.” Guy waved her off. “I swear he looked like he wanted to laugh too!”

Charlie opened his mouth to reply, but was cut off by Larson’s loud, annoying voice coming from somewhere near the middle of the line.

“Could be worse, Banksie” he said, talking to Banks but looking at Charlie. “Better for Conway to think your face is punchable than kissable, eh?” He turned to jostle Banks by the shoulders, laughing along with McGill. Banks laughed a little weakly, not looking at any of them as he grabbed a tray and moved up in the line.

“I hate them so much” Guy said, fists balled up.

“I can kill them if you like” Connie added. They both looked at Charlie as if waiting for instructions. As if waiting for him to give the word. His heart swelled for his two friends.

He shook his head with a sigh. “Just drop it. I don’t want to be stuck doing dishes with you two, or risk getting kicked out because of the fucking Hawks. Let’s just make sure they suffer during the scrimmage.”

Adam

The scrimmage that evening was one of three scheduled for the two weeks they would be at camp. Adam knew they would be dissecting the game heavily over the next two days, and he really wanted to do well. The fact that he would be facing off against Conway just made it even better. He didn’t know why he cared so much what Conway thought, but he did. He really did.

When he looked up across the faceoff circle at center ice at the start of the game, he was a little surprised to see so much focus in Conway’s expression. He looked ready to battle, and Adam’s heartbeat raced just a little bit for it.

“Watch your stick, Banks” Conway chirped, eyeing him with an amused half-smile. And Adam had never really noticed before, but he had really bright green eyes.

“You just worry about not eating ice as soon as you touch the puck, Conway.”

And when Conway laughed, his head tilted back a little with those beautiful eyes all crinkled at the edges, it made Adam’s breath catch uncomfortably. The puck dropped, and Adam took it, but it was a scramble. His shoulders lock for a second with Conway’s before he pushed off of Adam with a frustrated grunt, going quickly after the puck, and leaving Adam at center ice to gather himself for a half a second.

What in the fucking hell…

Well, that’s a new sensation, his brain tracked as he followed the play mostly on autopilot. And it was annoying how Conway had put awareness as something for Adam to work on, considering how, now, he seemed to be so hyper aware of everything the other boy did without trying. He felt really thrown, and he hated it, but it didn’t stop him from scoring one past Katie Lee, or from celebrating for a few seconds with his team. Out of the corner of his eye he saw Conway circle the goal, slapping his stick a little roughly on the ice, and Adam wondered if Conway was as distracted as him.

It didn’t appear like he was though, because he barely looked over at Adam the rest of the game. Banks’ team took the win but it was a close one, and really only because Julie Gaffney was a slightly better goalie than Katie Lee. They shook hands in a line at the end of the game, and Conway barely looked at him then too. Adam felt a little crazy by how desperate he was to get this boys attention. He shook it off and headed to the locker room to change, opting to shower in their bunk instead of the stalls at the rink so that he could think without Lars and Mac acting like the fucking idiots they always were after a win.

Was this what it felt like to be pulled into Conway’s orbit? Was this what everyone else felt when he laughed near them, making fast friends in that easy way he always seemed to do so effortlessly?

He went for a walk by the lake, not really interested in staying in the bunk to celebrate. He didn’t feel like he really had much to celebrate anyway. It was just camp. The purpose wasn’t even to win, it was to get better. To find your weaknesses and turn them into strengths. It was frustrating that his friends couldn’t see that. Frustrating that they were still hung up on old rivalries that didn’t benefit anyone now.

He sat down on the big rock that jutted out over the water, still debating with himself whether he should even think about whatever the hell he was clearly feeling about Conway, when he heard a voice behind him.

“You’re on my rock” Conway said, a small smile on his face.

And Adam had to look down and around for a moment before the comment sunk in enough for him to understand it. He had been so in his head he forgot he was even outside.

“I didn’t see your name on it.”

“Well did you even check” the boy asked, laughing as he moved to touch the underside of the boulder. There in black sharpie, along with several other signatures and names, was a sloppily written CC #96.

Adam raised his eyebrows in genuine surprise. “Graffiti is a crime, you know…”

Conway laughed, and Adam really wanted to scream at him to just not because it made him feel things he really didn’t know how to explain.

“Yea, well, I was 14 and kind of an asshole” he shrugged, grinning a little. “What can I say? I’ve grown as a person.”

Adam got up, making a big show of dusting off the section his ass had been on before gesturing for Conway to sit. He laughed again and Adam felt the strangest urge to laugh too, but he didn’t.

“Thank you” Conway said, making an equally big show of inspecting the area to make sure it was worthy of his rearend before sitting and turning toward the lake. Adam didn’t really know what to say, but he didn’t want to leave either, so he just stood there looking out at the water too.

“Good game tonight” he tried, a little lamely.

“Yea, you too” Conway replied. He turned to Adam and smiled a little, then added: “I told myself that if I had the chance I would knock your stick, but you kept it tight.”

Adam smiled too, pride welling up in him. “Yea, well, I had a good coach.” He shrugged like it wasn’t a big deal, but Conway’s smile grew, and Adam could feel his heart beating in his throat when he moved over on the big rock to make space for Adam to sit with him.

They sat there in the silence for a long time before Conway spoke up again.

“Didn’t want to celebrate with your friends?”

“Didn’t want to wallow with yours?” Adam shot back.

Conway looked at him for a moment before turning back to the water. “My friends are a couple” he said, as if that was all the explanation needed.

“Ok…?”

“Well, unless Lar-son-of-a-bitch and Mc-Goon are looking for somewhere to be alone together, we aren’t out here for the same reason.”

“Oh” Adam said. “Right. No, I just… I didn’t really want to be around anyone.”

Conway started to stand to leave, and Adam threw his hand out on instinct. “No, stay. I… I didn’t mean it like that. It’s just… my friends can be a lot after a win. It’s not really my thing.”

“I could smell the alcohol from outside when I walked by” Charlie nodded, brows raised. “They’ll be useless tomorrow.”

Adam just nodded. They really would be.

He wanted to apologize for Larson’s comment in the cafeteria, to make some excuse for why he hadn’t spoken up, but it seemed like an odd thing to do since Conway had been calling his face punchable- and had actually tried to punch him- in the first place. So he said nothing, and they sat there in the silence until Conway pulled his phone out of his pocket to check a text as it came in.

“Looks like the coast is clear” he laughed, replying to the message that was clearly from Germaine. He didn’t make a move to leave though, just put his phone back in his pocket, then leaned back on his hands with his legs dangling over the short drop-off of the rock they were sitting on.

“Why are you out here with me still, Banks” he asked after a while, not looking over at him.

It felt like a loaded question. Like maybe he knew what Adam had been thinking. Like he could sense something in the air or read it on his face.

“I don’t know” he answered honestly. Conway nodded like that was all the answer he needed, even though Adam knew it wasn’t.

And he wanted Conway to push him, to ask what he was really thinking even though he wasn’t sure if he could bring himself to answer it honestly. Because he really really didn’t know. His brain had never been this messy in his entire life. He hated it.

All he knew was that when Conway did finally get up to leave, he felt suddenly very hollow. Like all the empty space around him grew, threatening to swallow him up without the weight of the other boy next to him on that rock, grounding him, making him feel things he hadn’t felt before.

Charlie

Charlie threw himself down between his two best friends on Guys bunk, then looked around quickly to make sure Lake and Jones were still out before he sighed dramatically. “So, yea, I think I have a crush on Banks.”

Guy gasped. “What?!”

“No” Connie said simply, not looking up from her phone. “Veto. I use my veto power on this one.”

“Ok, for the last time… you don’t get veto power over who I like.”

She looked up at him then, glaring comically. “Well stop making stupid choices!”

“I didn’t really choose it!”

“Dude, where is this even coming from?” Guy asked, confused.

Charlie let out another deep sigh, rubbing his forehead. He was so tired and confused. “He was on my rock” he said as if it explained everything.

“He… sat on a rock?” Connie asked. “That’s literally it? Either your standards have reached a new low, or you’re leaving out, like, 90% of the story.”

So he told them about their brief conversations and how it felt sitting there. How it seemed almost romantic. How he felt like there was something unspoken about the whole thing, and how Banks had looked like he didn’t really want him to leave.

“Yea, no. Veto” Connie said again. “You’re going to get hurt with this one.”

Guy nodded and gave him a brotherly pat on the shoulder. “He’s straight, Charlie. Obviously and tragically straight. And even if he’s not one himself, he has homophobic friends. Do you really want to deal with that shit either way?”

And he really didn’t, but now when he closed his eyes all he could see was Banks’ face the way it had looked in the fucking moonlight. God, Charlie kinda hated him a little for how absolutely beautiful he was. He’d never really noticed before, but now it’s all he could think about.

“You’re right” he said, standing and moving to his own side of the room to grab his things and get changed. “Alright Connie, love ya, but get out. I’m tired.”

She gave him a little salute with her middle finger, leaned in to kiss Guy, then sang out a quick “Night losers” before leaving.

“You’re not giving this Banks shit up, are you?” Guy whispered with a resigned sort of sigh as Jones and Lake came in and started to get ready for bed too.

“I’m going to try” Charlie said, plopping down on his bed and pulling the covers over his face.

They weren’t doing partner work during morning skate, so it was a little easier for Charlie to avoid Banks than it would have been passing a puck between them. It really didn’t make it easier, though, that every time he did look over at him, Banks seemed to be looking back.

“Am I imagining it, or was Banks eye-fucking Charlie during warmups?” Connie asked as they lined up for shooting drills against Gaffney. The other half of the skaters, the half that included Banks and his goon friends, lined up on the other side of the ice to do the same against Lee.

“You’re not imagining it” Guy confirmed. “Annnnd he’s still doing it, actually.”

“I thought you used your veto” Charlie quipped as the line moved.

“I thought I didn’t get a veto” Connie countered easily.

He took his turn to shoot, working the puck quickly back and forth on his stick, faking Gaffney on the left before lifting the puck cleanly over her shoulder.

“Nice one, Charlie” She called out. “I’ll get ya next time!”

“I know you will, cat lady” he smiled, giving her helmet a little tap before he skated to the end of the line.

He caught Banks’ eye and held it for a moment, then turned to skate backward the last few strides, stopping hard on the edges of his blades, two things Banks had helped him with the morning before. They were both toward the end of the line now, trailing close to center ice enough they could talk if they wanted, but they stuck to their sides. Banks just tucked his stick under his arm and clapped his gloved hands together, nodding a little as if approving of the move. It made Charlie laugh, which made Banks smile. 

“Do I get a veto?” Guy asked, skating to a stop at the back of the line. “Because if so… veto.”

“I don’t even get veto power” Charlie said with a sigh, still smiling a little as Larson and McGill joined Banks in the line, and whatever spell they had just been under broke.

Charlie wasn’t under the impression that Banks was falling in love with him, or was suddenly very gay, but it still stung a tiny bit when he saw Banks with Lisa Coolidge at lunch. She touched his arm in that way Charlie knew to be flirtatious, then flicked her hair over her shoulder before passing him a folded-up piece of paper everyone watching knew had her number on it. Larson and McGill were riotous next to him, throwing their arms around his shoulders and shaking him a little. Connie gave Charlie a small pat on the back, and Guy whispered a quick “sorry, dude” as they emptied their trays and headed back outside to enjoy the sun before tape review of the scrimmage in an hour.

They would be paired up again to take notes on their positions inside the small room just off of the coach’s office at the rink where a pull down screen would show the recording of the game big enough for all of them to see. Charlie sat on the floor off to the side with his back against some half empty bookshelf, his notepad and pen out and ready to go. Banks sat down next to him, legs crossed, waiting for coach to begin.

“Are you going to the lake again tonight?” Banks asked quietly as someone pulled the screen down and started to set up the projector.

“Why?” Charlie asked, trying for nonchalance, but failing to keep the bitterness out of his voice.

“I thought we could hang out and talk about this review or whatever” Banks said, definitely not missing Charlie’s tone. “But if you’re going to be an ass about it...”

And Charlie felt a little bad, yea, because it wasn’t Banks’ fault he was straight, or that Charlie really wished he wasn’t.

“Well, I usually go there to makeout with guys, so…” He let the sentence trail off, knowing he got his point across.

It was a lie, really. He hadn’t done that since his first summer there, and it hadn’t been with a guy. It had been with Julie Gaffney, something they both laughed about often now that they were both out.

Banks stared at him for a long moment before clearing his throat and looking down at his empty notebook. “OK, yea” he said, quiet enough that Charlie wouldn’t have been sure he said it at all if he hadn’t also nodded the tiniest bit.

“OK?” Charlie said, rolling his eyes. “You can’t just say OK to that.”

Banks opened his mouth to respond, but coach cut him off.

“Alright listen up!” he called out in that loud, assertive way that use to really annoy Charlie. “I want you to clock your partner on this one. We don’t always notice our own strengths and weaknesses as easily or willingly as we notice others, so make it constructive, but find the problems. Got it?”

The resounding “yes, coach!” echoed off the surfaces, and they all settled in for a long 2 hours.

They watched the game and made notes, and Charlie resisted the urge to lean over and see what Banks was writing about him only because he would eventually see it anyway. It was when coach was fast forwarding through the first intermission that Banks tapped Charlie on the arm, tilting his notebook a little for him to see the note he had written in the margins.

So, lake?

Charlie looked up at him shaking his head in disbelief. Banks made another note on his paper.

Why not?

Charlie rolled his eyes and tilted his own page for him to see as he made his own note.

He drew a straight line, and underneath it wrote ‘you’. Next, he drew a wavy line, and underneath that wrote ‘me’. Then he looked up at Banks with an expression he hoped said ‘is that clear enough for you, you big fucking idiot’.

Banks stared at the paper, lost in his head somewhere for a long moment. After a small glance up at the screen to make sure their matched lines weren’t on the ice yet, he took his own pen and very pointedly drew a large X over the straight-line Charlie had drawn on his paper. Next to it he drew a quick but aggressive ball-like scribble, then wrote ‘me’ underneath it.

Charlie’s heart skipped a beat, and he couldn’t help the small gasp that escaped him. They sat there for a long stretch of time, both staring at the little scribble Banks had drawn before Charlie tilted his paper again and wrote ‘OK. After dinner’. Banks smiled at the note, sighing a little, but he didn’t look up at Charlie. They just continued to watch the game, making notes on each other’s playing like they hadn’t just kinda-sorta agreed to meet up to do some kissing later.

“And just where do you think you’re going at this time of night?” Guy asked when Charlie went to leave the bunkhouse.

“None of your business” he said, popping a piece of gum into his mouth. “Don’t wait up, dad” he added for good measure as he left, really hoping Guy wouldn’t ask about it later. He didn’t feel good about keeping things from his friends, but he had been down this road before, and he knew he couldn’t just tell people who he was meeting up with. Because even if it was just Guy and Connie, it was still outing someone, and he knew he’d feel even worse about that than keeping something from his friends.

Adam

Adam was freaking out. He was really fucking freaking out, actually, and the more aware he was that he was freaking out the worse it got.

“Dude what the hell is going on with you?” Mac asked, definitely more annoyed by his pacing than genuinely concerned.

“Nothing” Adam answered. Obviously he wasn’t about to tell Mac or Lars about his plans to meet up with Conway, and since they were getting annoyed with him anyway he decided to leave a little early.

He thought he might calm down a little bit when he got back to the physical space they had so easily talked in the night before, but somehow the water with the moonlight reflected off of it just solidified what was about to happen, and that made things so much worse. He wasn’t sure what he was doing. He had never considered his attractions before, passing his lack of interest off as intense dedication and focus to the game he loved. Now, though, he wasn’t sure, and he’d be lying if he said there wasn’t a small part of him that hated Conway a little for how confused he made Adam feel.

He was just thinking of leaving and trying to forget he’d ever wanted to come out here in the first place, when Conway made his way down toward the big rock.

“Hey Banks” he said easily, giving him a small smile that seemed too casual for all the things whirling around in Adam’s own head. “You ok? You look like you’re kinda freaking out.”

Adam just nodded, not really sure how to respond to that.

Conway studied him for a moment, then sat down next to him on the rock close enough for their legs to touch if either of them moved even the smallest bit toward the other.

“I was mostly joking” he said, looking out at the water instead of at Adam. “About the making out thing…”

“Oh” was all Adam could get out.

“Did you really want to talk about the tape review, or…?”

Adam just looked at the water too, not at all wanting to talk about the scrimmage or hockey. That realization surprised him enough that he turned back to Conway and said “not really, no.”

Conway nodded, brows raised a little. “OK. So… What do you want to talk about?”

“I don’t know” Adam sighed. He rubbed his forehead roughly, then leaned back on his hands with a shrug. “I actually did think we were coming out here to makeout, so…”

Conway laughed a little at that, and Adam had to work really hard not to look hurt by it.

“Yea, I figured that by the way you were all panicked and shit when I got here. So, I was giving you an out. We don’t have to do that, obviously. I mean… I want to. But you clearly don’t, and that’s fine.”

“It’s possible to want to do something and also be freaking out about it” Adam pointed out, not really sure where the courage was coming from, but guessing it was the honesty and confidence radiating off of the boy next to him.

Conway chuckled a bit, nodding again. “That’s a fair point.” He looks at Adam then, and adds “Have you ever even kissed a boy?”

Adam shook his head. “I’ve never kissed… anyone, actually.”

“Whoa, really?”

“Yea. Just… haven’t wanted to. Well, until…”

He let the sentence trail off, feeling himself blush. He really hoped it was dark enough that Conway wouldn’t notice, but of course he did.

“You are blushing so hard right now, Banks!” Conway poked his cheek playfully with his finger, then laughed a little.

“Oh my god… Stop!” Adam could feel himself blush even more at that as he slapped the finger away, laughing a little too.

“No way” Conway said, “It’s super cute.”

Adam's heart pickup again in his chest. Conway looked at him like he might be some kind of precious relic, something to be protected and in awe of, and Adam didn’t know how to handle being looked at like that, so he said-

“I’m not gay” -confusing himself by why that was even important.

“I didn’t think you were, Banks” Conway said, his joking tone only slightly less light.

“I just mean like… I don’t think I am. I mean, I don’t know. And I don’t want to, like, make this a whole thing or whatever, you know?”

Conway nodded turning again to look out at the water. He didn’t seem all that bothered by how confused Adam was, or that he didn’t know what to say or do. He wondered if he’d ever felt the way Adam was feeling then. If he struggled to figure himself out, or if he was always as confident and sure of himself as he seemed.

“Then it’s not a whole thing. You don’t have to figure it out right now.” Conway sighed a little and stood up from the rock to look down at him. He rubbed the back of his neck, letting his hand run up through his waves before holding his hand out to help Adam up. “Want to go for a swim?”

And all Adam could do was nod and let himself be pulled into Conway’s orbit.

They walked down to the bottom of the small hill, and as soon as they could see the edge of the lake, Conway took off toward it, stripping his shirt and sweats as he ran, landing over the water with a flop once it got about waste high.  “Come on, Banks!” he called out, so Adam joined him, wading in much slower, not enjoying the cold water nearly as much as the other boy was.

“I think if I didn’t love hockey so much, I’d have taken up swimming” Conway said as if they were in the middle of a conversation. He was floating on his back, looking up at the sky, the moonlight shining off of his face.

“Maybe it’s just the lake you love, then” Adam grinned. “Frozen or not.”

Conway laughed, letting his eyes close with it as he kicked out to float a little closer to the shore. Adam leaned onto his back, trying to float too, but failed. He had never been able to manage that.

“What are you doing, Banksie?”

Adam’s heart tugged. His nickname sounded so much nicer from Conway than it did Mac or Lars.

“Trying to float. But the lake said no, apparently.”

“You’re not relaxed enough.”

“Because if I relax I could literally drown.”

Conway disappeared under the water for a second before coming up to a stand. “I am not going to let you drown you moron, calm down.”

“Just a few days ago you tried to punch me in the face, so you’ll excuse me if I don’t feel super great about putting my life in your hands right now, Conway.”

Conway laughed again, a loud, unrestrained sort of thing that echoed over the surface of the water. He splashed Adam lightly with a muttered “big baby”, and Adam splashed him back.

“Come on” he said, looking at Adam seriously. “I’ll help you. You’ll love floating. It’s so relaxing, I promise.”

Adam studied him for a moment, trying to decide if he was actually going to try again. Trying to sort out how they went from fighting on the ice to being in the lake in their boxers after dark.

“OK.”

And Adam really tried. He kept his body straight and pushed up above the water, but when he started to sink, he couldn’t keep still.

“You’re trying to stay above the water” Conway said. “You should, like, just spread out a little and try to be on the surface of the water, not above it. If… if that makes sense.”

It didn’t, and when Adam tried again, he sunk even quicker.

“Here” Conway said, nodding for him to try again. “I’m going to keep you up while you figure out how to fucking relax a little.”

Adam leaned into the water, feeling already like he was about to sink, but then Conway put his hands out underneath him, supporting him at his shoulders and lower back enough that he stayed afloat.

“As soon as you let go, I’m going to sink again.”

“Well then… I won’t let go.”

They stayed like that for a few minutes at least, and eventually Adam did relax enough that Conway removed the hand under his shoulders. “See?” he said, leaning over Adam a little. “Knew you could do it.”

Adam laughed, which made Conway smile. Adam wanted to kiss him so bad.

“I’m sorry” he said, letting his eyes roam the sky a little before closing them. “I know this isn’t what you wanted to be doing right now.”

“I’m having a great time” Conway said easily.

He sounded like he meant it, and when Adam opened his eyes, Conway was looking back with a smile that seemed genuine. Adam smiled back, feeling himself blush a little, knowing immediately that Conway noticed again.

“So cute” he said, shaking his head affectionately.

“No, you” Adam replied. And yea, he blushed even harder as the words came out, but Conway blushed a little too, so it was worth it.

“I kinda really want to kiss you right now” Conway whispered.

Adam pushed himself off of the supportive arm underneath him and stood up in the water. He looked at Conway for a moment, then sighed and turned a little to face the expanse of the large lake. He was feeling anxious again.

“If we kiss, and I don’t like it, then… I’m probably not gay, right?”

Conway thought about it for a moment then leaned to float again easily on his back, closing his eyes. “Not necessarily. I mean, you could just not be attracted to me, Banksie, which might crush my ego a little, but I promise I could survive it.” He laughed a little at the end, and Adam felt a little bit of the nervousness disappear.

“I’m not sure what you mean,”

He opened his eyes for a moment to look at Adam as if to be able to judge if he was being serious, then closed them again.

“I just mean like… ok, so, I like boys- obviously. But the thought of kissing Lar-son-of-a-bitch or Mc-Goon makes me-“ he made a retching noise- “And my friend, Guy, you know… people think he’s pretty hot. He gets a lot of attention and all that, and he’s my best friend, but if I had to kiss him I think I might throw up in my mouth about it.” He chuckled at his own joke before continuing, and it was endearing as hell.

“I think you might be overthinking it a little bit, Banks. Sometimes you just have to go with what feels right, you know?”

But Adam had never been all that good at not overthinking things.

“Well it’s at least good to know that if we kiss and I throw up in my mouth, we could still be friends” Adam said with an awkward laugh.

Conway opened his eyes again at that, looking at Adam with a small grin. “we’re friends, are we?

Adam wasn’t sure if they were friends. He wasn’t really sure of anything except that he definitely wanted to makeout. He nodded anyway, not finding the words while Conway was looking up at him with his bright fucking green eyes all sparkling in the moonbeams and shit. It was very distracting, actually, and Adam wanted to splash him, or maybe push him under the water to escape his gaze, but he couldn’t seem to do it.

“Do you want to kiss me right now, Banks?” Conway breathed, grinning like he could read Adam’s mind.

“I kinda do, yea.”

“Then do it already” He deadpanned. “The suspense is killing me.”

He was being sarcastic, but he was also staring at Adam like he was waiting for him to make the next move. So Adam rolled his eyes a little and leaned in, pressing his lips against Conway’s just firm enough that he lost his balance over the water and started to sink.

Conway fell into the sinking a little but kept his head up, making a great effort to not break the kiss as he moved to stand in front of Adam, letting his lips part the slightest bit. And Adam didn’t really know what to do with his hands, or how to tilt his head. He had never done any of this before, so he followed Conway’s lead, stepping in so they were just a little bit closer, doing what felt right.

After a moment he felt Conway’s hands find his, and he laced their fingers together, arms still at their sides. An involuntary hum of approval escaped Adam, and he could feel the small smile on Conway’s lips.

“So, so cute” Conway mumbled around another kiss, squeezing Adam’s hands a tiny bit tighter.

Adam huffed out a laugh, stepping back a little to catch his breath, not letting go of Conway’s hands.

“If you are about to throw up, I might cry” Conway joked, making Adam laugh again.

“I’m definitely not” Adam smiled. Then he stepped back in and pressed their lips together again, letting himself get lost in the moment, and trying hard not to overthink anything right then. He would have plenty of time for that later.

Charlie

Charlie had kissed a few boys who were still figuring it out over the last few years. Some of them probably really were straight, even, which didn’t bother him that much. How can you know for sure until you really consider it, right? But it sort of stung to imagine Banks and him might not actually have anything between them, or that it might have been some sort of experiment or trial and error thing on Banks’ part to make him realize he was, unfortunately, very straight. It also bothered him that he cared at all because it was Banks. He wasn’t supposed to fall for the enemy, no matter how old and pointless the feud was.

They had kissed for a while there in the lake, and then a little more while they sat by the water to air dry before getting dressed and heading back to their separate bunks. They didn’t talk all that much before they parted, but Charlie reminded Banks not to overthink it, and Banks had nodded like he was really trying not to.

And Charlie didn’t want Banks to feel bad about it if he ended up coming to the conclusion that guys just weren’t his thing. He didn’t want to pressure him or push him because Charlie had felt a lot of that about girls before he realized he was gay, and it really sucked. It had made realizing he was gay so much harder and more confusing than it needed to be, and a little part of Charlie just wanted to protect Banks from that, no matter what he ended up concluding about himself.

“Who did you end up meeting with last night?” Guy asked as they waited in line for breakfast.

Connie’s brows raised as she leaned in. “Oh! Did our little Char-Char find a boy that isn’t a total twat-bag?”

“I just went swimming. That’s it. Not everyone is as obsessed with tandem body friction as you two” He joked, shaking his head with a little roll of the eyes.

 “Well, they should be” Guy said, winking over at Connie.

“Watch it, Germaine” She laughed. “Or the only ‘body friction’ you’ll be experiencing is with yourself.”

They made it to the rink and started warming up by taking shots against Julie in net while they waited for the rest of the skaters to get onto the rink. Charlie tried not to look at Banks because he didn’t want to be obvious, but his eyes were drawn to him anyway. Banks gave him a small smile when he skated onto the ice, but apart from that he didn’t really look up until they were split back into their partner groups.

“Hey” Banks said, skating right over to Charlie with a little nod of his head. “I was thinking we could work on some of the footwork stuff we both noted from the tape review, if that works for you?”

“Yea, ok” Charlie nodded.

They countered each other easily, working on avoiding puck snatches and aggressive defensive maneuvers that had them both stumbling a little. After a while they pulled defensive pair Jones and Lake over to work off of them so both sides of the play could benefit. They didn’t talk about anything but hockey, and while it confused Charlie a little bit, he was thankful that what he and Banks had done the night before at the lake hadn’t stunted the progress they were making in their development partnership. It was nice, even, being able to focus on hockey with someone else as devoted to the sport as he was.

When coach called it and dismissed them for lunch, Banks turned to Charlie with a quick “good practice, Conway” smiling as he held eye contact for a few strides before turning to catch up to his friends near the tunnel.

Charlie’s heart went wild in his chest.

After lunch he went for a walk around the lake with Connie and Guy, still trying not to think too hard about Banks as they passed by the rocky area they had been laying on when they kissed by the water.

 They wouldn’t have evening practice that day, so Charlie and Guy took the opportunity to head to the small gym during the break while Connie caught up with Julie and Katie. Neither of them were all that surprised to see Banks there with Larson and McGill. They had to get in extra fitness where they could during the long days, and everyone was trying to get their weight up, trying to bulk up to be able to give and take harder hits, and to be able to skate faster for longer periods of time. Still, it was hard being in the same space with Banks while being so… separate. With all the boys he’d been interested in before, it hadn’t been like that. There had always been an easy ability to keep a distance when needed, and since just about all of the guys he’d ever made out with had been into hockey and weren’t out, it had almost always been needed. but with Banks, he felt drawn in. Like he wanted to just be near him in whatever way he could.

“Banks was eye-fucking you again when we came in” Guy noted, raising his brows and nodding his head imperceptibly toward the bench press area.

“Yea, well” Charlie shrugged casually, “I’m pretty.”

Guy snorted a loud laugh, making half of the room look over at them while Charlie took a quick sip of his water. He could see Larson and McGill rolling their eyes a little, as if Guy having any sort of happiness was deeply annoying to them. Banks didn’t react, though. He just kept at his slow, steady bench press, taking deep breaths as he worked through the reps.

“Earth to Charlie” Guy whispered, nudging him gently.

And Charlie knew he wasn’t staring all that obviously, but he blushed anyway knowing his friend clocked him watching Banks. “Shut up” he muttered, lining up at the squat rack to start his set. Guy just grinned and shook his head. They both knew his cheeks weren’t suddenly pink from the exercise.

Adam

They hadn’t talked about meeting up again, and with them not having evening practice, and their friends being around, Adam hadn’t been able to ask Conway about it, but he went to sit by the rock anyway. Conway was waiting there, clearly thinking the same by how wide his smile was when Adam walked over.

“Hey” Adam said, trying not to grin too hard, trying not to blush.

“Hey” Conway replied easily back. “I wasn’t sure if you wanted to hang out again or not.”

“I do. I really do.”

Adam sat down next to him and leaned in a little, delighted when Conway leaned in too, pressing their lips together readily like it was something they did every single day. Adam wished it could be, hoped it might be.

They kissed for a long time there on the rock. Eventually Conway moved his hand to cup Adam’s face, and his fingertips ran through the edge of his hair, making Adam hum a little without really thinking about it. Conway hummed back and pressed in a little more as his lips parted to swipe his tongue across Adam’s lips. It felt like he was floating, and all Adam could think of was how much he really hoped Conway was enjoying them being there together as much as he was.

“Do you… do you want to go for a walk or something?” Conway asked, pulling back and breathing a little heavily.

“Yea, ok” Adam smiled. He knew they should cool it anyway. Knew that they couldn’t realistically sit there and kiss forever like that, even though he really really wanted to.

So they walked along the lake, talking about the scrimmage scheduled for the next day, and how they thought their teams would fair if they switched goalies. It was nice just being together, even without all the kissing, and Adam felt a little silly thinking about how nervous he had been about them meeting up the night before. When Conway quickly side-stepped a turtle they didn’t see right away in the dark, the backs of their hands brushed, and Adam could feel himself blush about it. He didn’t look up to see if Conway was red too, not willing to risk the other boy noticing his own flushed face.

Conway sighed a little, taking the next breath like he was about to jump into the water or begin a drill he knew was going to take a lot out of him, then turned to Adam as they walked. “Do you want to, like, I don’t know… hold hands?” He rubbed the back of his neck nervously, running his hand up through his hair.

“Yea” Adam breathed quickly.

So they held hands, cupping them for a moment before Conway laced their fingers together the way they had been when they were kissing in the water the night before. And it felt really good, like being excited and relaxed at the same time. It felt… right.

“This is nice” Adam whispered into the silence as they walked. “I really like spending time with you.”

“Yea, me too” Conway smiled back, bumping his shoulder playfully into Adams.

“Your friends don’t wonder where you are? You three always sort of seemed like a package deal.”

“Not really.” And Conway looked a little nervous then, like he wasn’t sure if he should keep talking or not, but he continued anyway. “I mean, they ask me where I’m going, obviously, because they are nosey as hell, but they don’t push too much because… well, I think they always just assume I’m meeting someone who wants to remain… you know… anonymous, or whatever. It’s always been like that. Most hockey guys just want to stay in the closet, and they get that.”

“Oh.”

It actually didn’t feel all that great to think about Conway meeting up with other people, or to know that it apparently happened enough times that his friends had a routine of dropping the subject because they knew it was delicate. Adam wasn’t under any sort of illusion that he and Conway were a couple, or that whatever it was they were doing was going to survive outside of the parameters of the section of the lake they kept meeting at, but it still felt shitty to think about.

“You ok?” Conway asked, clearly sensing that Adam’s mood had shifted.

He nodded a little but didn’t say anything.

“You sure? You seem a little sad or something all of a sudden.”

“Can you just… maybe not talk about meeting up with a bunch of other people while you’re literally holding my hand?”

Conway stopped walking and looked at him, searching his face for a moment before picking up walking again, squeezing Adam’s hand just the smallest bit tighter.

“I know you just said you don’t want to talk about it, but I just have to say that… It’s not like I come out here all the time for making out. When I said that at tape review was just trying to get you to stay away from me because… because I was starting to like you a little bit. But then you said you wanted to come still and, yea… So this isn’t a pattern or anything. This is the only development camp I get all summer, so I try and stay focused and stuff while I’m here, but…”

He let the sentence trail off, maybe thinking he had said too much, though Adam felt like he could listen to him talk all night.

“You like me?” He asked with a grin, trying to sound more playful than nervous.

Conway blushed this time, and Adam poked his cheek, laughing when he got waved off the same way he had done to Conway the first time he’d blushed. God it was so cute.

“We were making out earlier, Banks” he said, rolling his eyes. “Of course I like you at least a little.”

Adam looked around quickly, checking to make sure they were alone in that quiet little section of the beach partially hidden by the rocky hill. “I like you too” he whispered, not caring at all how his voice seemed to shake with excitement and nerves as he leaned in to kiss Conway again.

Charlie

The second scrimmage was quite a bit more fun for Charlie. They switched goalies and ended up winning by two goals against Banks’ team. Julie was a little older, and a little more experienced than Katie Lee as a goalie, so it made sense that she was better, and it was good that the teams were trading off. Charlie knew she would be back on Banks’ side for the final game in just a few days, so they would have to push extra hard to get a few past her.

“Good game” Banks said when they met in the handshake line at the end of the game.

“You too” Charlie said back easily.

They had worked out a sort of unspoken agreement over the last few days to keep it friendly and neutral on the ice, then meetup for making out an hour or so after dinner when it started to get dark. Charlie waited for an hour after the game, feeling more and more stupid as the minutes ticked by before he called it and headed back to the bunk.

“Holy shit is Charlie Conway actually here, in the bunkhouse, before midnight!?” Guy gasped, walking over to give Charlie a little shake by the shoulders as if checking to make sure he wasn’t an illusion or hologram or something. “Dude, I was starting to think you were, like, turning into a werewolf or merman or some shit every night.”

“It’s only been a few days” Charlie laughed, “calm down.”

“You want to play?” Jones said, gesturing toward the cards he had been passing out. “We just started so we can deal you in.”

And Charlie, unfortunately, didn’t have anything else to do, so he said “sure, why not” as he moved to sit next to Lake on his bunk, trying very hard not to think about Banks, and what it might mean that he hadn’t met him.

“Sorry I didn’t go last night” Banks said immediately when they skated off for drills in their corner. “Lars and Mac roped me into watching a movie and wouldn’t let it go that I’ve been disappearing, so…”

“It’s fine” Charlie shrugged. It made sense, and he wasn’t upset about it or anything, but it still hadn’t felt good sitting out there waiting like that. “My bunkmates wanted to have a games night anyway.”

“Oh, so you didn’t go?” Banks asked.

Charlie wasn’t sure what to make of the look on his face. It looked almost hurt, but also a little relieved. He didn’t really know what to do, so he just answered honestly as he moved the puck as smoothly through the obstacles as he could.

“I went, but when you didn’t show after a while I obviously left. So, it’s fine.”

Banks just nodded, obviously lost in his head somewhere. And Charlie wanted to keep him from overthinking everything for a lot of reasons. He tried to tell himself the primary one was so that Banks didn’t have to feel pressure about labeling whatever it was they were doing, but if Charlie was being honest, he really just didn’t want them to stop meeting up, and a little part of him was worried that if Banks did start to think about it, they would.

“Well” Banks said, with a small sigh. “Do you think you’ll go again tonight?”

Charlie didn’t want to be the one to answer that first, so he asked “will you?” instead.

“Yea” Banks answered easily, stopping right in front of Charlie to give him a sincere little smile. “I will.”

To anyone looking at them it would just look like a normal conversation, but to Charlie it felt like they were standing too close, and like Adams smile was too big, and the air was too thin, and his heart was beating too hard, and… and…

“OK’ he breathed, “me too, then.”

So Charlie found himself on the stupid fucking rock first again, waiting for Banks to show up. He was trying not to look at his phone to check the time, because for every second that went by he felt more and more stupid, but when Banks showed up, breathing a little hard like he had rushed over, all of those negative thoughts disappeared immediately.

“Hey” Banks said, still catching his breath. “Sorry it’s so late. I was on video call with my parents, and then Lars needed to use my phone, and-”

“It’s ok” Charlie said, sensing that Banks was panicking a little. “Really. I… I don’t mind waiting for you.”

And, wow, that felt like a loaded statement. He actually had minded quite a lot when it was just him there sitting in the dark like an idiot, but now, seeing Banks’ face all flushed, listening to him ramble off reasons he’d been late after running to meet him, he couldn’t imagine not waiting. He was suddenly very aware of just what Connie had meant when she said that he was going to get hurt with this one, because there wasn’t really a way that Charlie could think of that this ended pleasantly. Camp was almost over. They only had 4 days left, and when it was done, they would go back to their separate sides of their adjacent cities, only seeing each other on the ice when their schools faced off.

But he didn’t want to think about any of that right now, so he took Banks’ hands in his and pulled him into a crashing kiss, trying to pour as much into it as he could. Trying to make the moments they had count for something, so that when it hurt later, he might still be able to look back and say it was worth it.

And Charlie probably should have expected it, really, when things started to hurt sooner rather than later, but he didn’t.

He’d gotten dressed that morning paying the same attention to his clothing choices as usual -none- and had worn his rainbow hockey stick shirt that Larson loved so much. And, of course, he had to make a comment about it in that loud, bullying-but-joking way he did that made Charlie want to punch him so bad.

“Oh my god, again with the shirt” he laughed in that fake way he’d perfected as Charlie walked into breakfast with Guy and Connie. “We get it Conway. You’re gay. Just try not to get any of it on the rest of us, ok?”

McGill laughed hard next to him, which wasn’t surprising, the two of them did seem to share a braincell. But what really hurt, actually cut pretty fucking deep, really, was the way Banks laughed too. The way he refused to meet his eye, and the way he leaned into it the smallest bit when McGill slapped his back and added “maybe carry an umbrella to drills, eh, Banksie?”

And if Charlie hadn’t turned to put a hand on Guy’s chest to keep him from starting a fight, and to tell Connie to walk away, he might have actually cried there watching Banks look anywhere but at him. He got the feeling the only reason his friends did drop it so quickly was because they could sense he was about to break, so they got their food and ate outside, far away from Larson and McGill. Far away from Adam fucking Banks.

“It’s Banks, isn’t it” Connie asked as they sat down at one of the few picnic tables outside of the cafeteria. “The person you’ve been meeting up with every night…”

Charlie didn’t say anything, but he didn’t have to. He just hung his head in his hands over the top of the table and let out a small sob. Connie moved around the table to sit next to him, resting her chin on his shoulder as she rubbed small circles on his back. Guy reached out and gave his forearm a gentle squeeze. He felt the tiniest bit better, but it still hurt. Not because Banks was in the closet, or because he wasn’t ready to ditch his loser, homophobe friends, but because he had laughed. Larson and McGill said something with the full intent to hurt Charlie, and Banks had actually laughed.

“Do you want to talk about it?” Guy asked quietly once Charlie had calmed down enough to have a few bites of his oatmeal.

“There isn’t really anything to talk about” Charlie said with a shrug. “I was meeting someone. I liked them a lot. They hurt my feelings. End of story.”

And he could feel Guy and Connie giving each other some sort of look over his shoulder. He knew they were having a silent conversation about him, but he didn’t really care. He couldn’t bring himself to care about anything right then. He just wanted to be able to put Banks back in that box he’d always been in before Orion had partnered them up for drills. The box labeled ‘enemy’ that he knew to never ever consider opening with any sort of hopeful longing. He wanted to stop crying about something he always knew deep down wasn’t real. He wanted to get on the ice and forget all of this shit ever happened.

Adam

He knew that Conway was upset even if he couldn’t see his face. He could tell by the way Moreau and Germaine reacted so strongly, and the way they left to eat outside even though it was the hottest day of the summer, and they would all be sweating on the ice in less than an hour. He knew it, but he did nothing, and he hated himself for that.

Lars and Mac continued making jokes for a few minutes after Conway and his friends had left, but Adam wasn’t really paying attention. All he could think about was what he was going to say when he got to practice. He really wanted to make it right, but he was flying blind. He had no idea how to navigate all of this new territory in his life. It was scary.

He would have well over an hour after warmups to talk to Conway about it while they worked on drills, though, and that comforted him a little bit as he sat there and tuned out the only two friends he’d ever really had. But when they got to the rink, coach had set up an elaborate course that stretched from one end of the rink to the other, and they would be taking it one at a time, forward then back, before attempting to score past Lee and Gaffney on either end. His heart sank. He didn’t want to leave it alone for too long.

“Hey, can we talk” he asked quietly as he passed Conway to get in line.

Conway just looked at the ice.

“Yea, no” Moreau said, skating right up into Adam’s space so quickly he moved back on instinct, forcing space between him and Conway.

Germaine moved next to her. “Hell no, actually. Go back to your little homophobic friends you piece of shit.” He spat the words out, but they were barely more than a whisper.

Adam moved to get around them, but they moved too, and when Mac called him over to where he was waiting with Lars in line, it felt like the end of the opportunity, so he left.

“Dude what the hell is going on with you” Mac said when Adam skated over to them, stopping more aggressively than was probably necessary.

“Why do you have to keep winding Conway up like that at breakfast” Adam said, finally feeling the courage to speak up. He thought it might have been watching Conway’s friends defend him like they did, but it could just be the strong feelings he had, and the panic coursing through him that this might not be ok after all.

“Because it’s hilarious” Mac answered, shaking his head like it was obvious. “Why do you even care? Has Spazway gotten to you? Are you just another one of his groupies or whatever the fuck now?”

“Can’t you just grow up” Adam said, rolling his eyes and moving to the very back of the line so he could get away from Lars and Mac completely. They didn’t follow him, but he could feel their eyes on his back as he skated away.

Adam did fine through the course the few times he moved through it. It wasn’t his best skating, and he definitely could sense coach’s questioning stare the entire time, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. Conway, on the other hand, seemed fueled by whatever he was feeling, and he rocketed around the ice quickly and gracefully, like he had done the course a million times. And Adam felt jealous that he could focus so well when they weren’t talking, and that he was somehow able to turn all the things he was feeling into something useful, while Adam just watched, wishing he could say something, anything to the other boy to make him look up and over at him.

But Conway didn’t look at him the entire time. He stuck with Germaine and Moreau during the drill, even giving a helmet tap to Julie and Katie each when he got to the net, whether he scored or didn’t. He laughed a little with Jones and Lake, rolled his eyes at Lars and Mac when they skated by, and completely and pointedly avoided Adam.

Adam sat by himself for lunch, not really able to help that Larson and McGill joined him at the table, clearly trying to pretend that their little bickering on the ice earlier hadn’t happened. Conway didn’t go to lunch, but Germaine and Moreau left with an extra plate of food Adam was sure they were bringing him, wherever he was. Adam felt the urge to follow them. To go search for Conway and apologize and explain that he obviously hadn’t been laughing for real, that it was just one of those things you did when the situation was awkward and you’re in the closet. But he didn’t. He just sat there with Lars and Mac, already feeling drained even though they still had a scrimmage to play.

Even at the faceoff Conway wouldn’t look at him. They played the game, and Adam had a hard time keeping up with this new anger fueled version of the boy he’d been skating with for a week and a half. Even with Gaffney back in their net, Adam’s team lost, and even though he knew that Conway wouldn’t be there waiting for him on that fucking rock this time, he went anyway, sitting there crying a little in the dark when he didn’t show, replaying all the things he could have done differently to have Conway there with him right then.

They worked through another course coach set up across the rink the next morning, and Adam made it a point to not get in line with Mac and Lars, even though he had breakfast with them, because he didn’t think he would be able to hold himself back if they said a single shitty thing about Conway. Not that there would be much for them to say, considering Conway was moving through the new course with the same enthusiasm he’d done on the one the day before. Adam didn’t try to talk to him. He knew they had tape review later anyway, and he and Conway would have to acknowledge each other at some point, even if it was just about hockey. So, he was patient.

“Hey” Adam said as soon as he sat down in their usual spot next to the half empty bookshelves in the tape review room. “Are you still not talking to me?”

Conway didn’t answer, he just stared at the pull down screen, waiting.

“You’re really not even going to look at me?”

“Every time I look at you, I feel sick. So, no. It’s best I don’t do that right now.” Conway’s tone was quiet but harsh, harsher than Adam had ever heard it before.

“Look” Adam said, feeling a little frantic with his need to make Conway understand, to make him forgive him. “I don’t know what you want me to do, Conway. Not everyone is going to be out and proud a fucking week after realizing they aren’t straight.”

Conway shook his head, and it looked like he was fighting with him self about whether to reply or not.

“I’m not pissed because you’re not out. I’m pissed because you were literally laughing along with your homophobic bully friends while they were cracking jokes about me like you didn’t have your fucking tongue down my throat the night before.”

“What was I supposed to do, huh? Stage a protest because someone said something about your shirt? Give me a break…”

“No. No, you don’t get a break from me, Banks. You can care more about what your shitty friends and everyone else thinks than what I think, that’s fine, do whatever the hell you want, but leave me the fuck alone about it.”

Adam looked around, worried that they might have caught someones attention with their whispers. But the room was too loud with everyone talking and laughing, waiting for coach to arrive and shut them down.

“I want to go pro, ok, I have to care what people think about me. I don’t have a choice. And if I hauled off and punched Lars in the face like I really wanted, then what? I might as well out myself right there!”

Conway finally looked at him then, but Adam sort of wished he hadn’t. His eyes were red, and his lip shook just the tiniest bit when he spoke, like he was trying hard not to cry, trying hard not to scream.

“You are so worried about people thinking you might be gay that you are ok with them thinking you are a homophobe, which is actually way, way worse. I don’t get that. I will never get that, and I just really need you to stop talking to me.” He opened his notebook and clicked his pen as coach moved into the room and turned on the projector. “We aren’t friends, Banks. We aren’t anything, so just drop it.”

Coach Orion started the tape before Adam could reply, and he was left sitting there, staring at Conway as Conway stared up at the screen. He had been exactly right. Adam was more worried about being perceived as gay than he was about being perceived as a homophobe, and that was much worse. It made his stomach twist when he replayed everything that happened in his mind. It hadn’t seemed like such a big deal to him at the time apart from the fact that it had clearly hurt Conway, but now… now he could see how terrible it actually was. How he had gone along with all the bullying Lars and Mac poorly masked as jokes, even encouraging it with his laughter.

He wanted to cry again, but the bright lights and the two dozen other people in the room wouldn’t let him, so he watched the tape, and made notes on Conway’s play, not really finding that much to write because he had played so well in spite of all the pain Adam had caused him. All he could think about the rest of the day was how upset Conway had been, and how much his words cut straight through his chest.

We aren’t friends. We aren’t anything .

Charlie

Charlie made it to breakfast the next morning, mostly because he really didn’t want to give anyone the satisfaction of knowing he was upset. Fuck Larson, he said over and over in his head. Fuck McGill, and most of all, Fuck Adam fucking Banks.

“You should ask coach about trading someone for drills” Connie said quietly as they walked to the rink. “You shouldn’t have to partner with someone like that.”

Guy nodded, throwing his arm around Charlie’s shoulder in a very brotherly way. “Yea man, I’ll work with Banks today.”

Charlie rolled his eyes. He knew Guy working with Banks was a terrible idea. They wouldn’t get any actual hockey in, and Guy would definitely end up getting kicked out for doing something stupid. And Charlie would feel bad for dragging his friends into the mess they had both very clearly warned him not to get into in the first place.

“No” he shook his head. “We might not even be doing partner drills today. We haven’t been, anyway…”

Connie sighed deeply next to him, looping her arm through his while Guy still had his arm around his other side. “If we do end up partnered, we’re not letting that cretin anywhere near you, ok?”

He nodded, letting the weight of his two friends on either side of him, and the support he felt radiating off of them, carry him to the rink, carry him through the heartache.

Luckily they we’re partnered up that morning. They were working in line parings using the notes their partners had given them, though, which meant that Charlie had to faceoff against Banks several times during the two hours they worked. Charlie refused to look at his face, but he could sense that Banks wasn’t giving him the same curtesy. He pushed hard, winning the puck more often than Banks, and feeling flushed with victory for it. At least he had hockey. At least he could put all that rage and hurt into something useful.

At the end of morning skate he stayed for a few minutes longer with Guy and Connie, slapping pucks into the empty net to decompress a little. He didn’t want to think about Banks staring at him across the faceoff, or how hard it had been to avoid his gaze when he sat down to eat lunch. He felt like he was barely holding it together enough to go in the first place. He knew that if Larson or McGill made another comment, he wouldn’t be able to stop himself from throwing punches. He knew he wouldn’t be able to stop Guy or Connie either.

Since Charlie’s line had so thoroughly crushed Banks’ line with his two goon friends, he was sure they would be in a bad mood and ready to take it out on whoever got to near them. And while Charlie was definitely ready and willing to fight, he didn’t want to let them get him and his friends kicked out of the only development camp the three of them had the means to attend that summer, even if there was only a day and half left. That felt like giving them a win they didn’t deserve. It also felt like taking a loss Charlie didn’t think he deserved.

When they walked into the cafeteria it was absolute chaos.

There were tables and chairs pushed onto their sides and a large group of people huddled around, screaming, trying to get a closer look and back away at the same time. Two of the kitchen staff were working their way into the middle of the crowd, hauling bodies off of other bodies, shouting for everyone to calm down and back off.

“What the fuck?” Connie breathed.

Guy gasped a little when the crowd parted to let the staff workers storm off with the two boys that had been fighting. “Is that… Banks?”

“And Larson, it looks like” Connie nodded, following the same line of vision as literally everyone else in the room.

Charlie wasn’t sure how to feel or what to think. He wanted to run after Banks and make sure he was ok almost as equally as he wanted to laugh that he was bleeding from his lip. It was very confusing.

“Hey, Jules!” Connie called out, waving the other girl to meet them as they sat down at a table near the edge of the cafeteria. Everyone was still talking animatedly about what had happened, but people were getting back to their lunches “What the hell just happened?”

So Julie walked them quickly through what she saw and heard, which wasn’t all that much, before the punches started flying. Apparently McGill said something that pissed Banks off, they exchanged heated words that Julie couldn’t hear, then Banks punched him, hard. McGill just ran off after that and Larson and Banks went at it. Banks got hit in the mouth, but Larson definitely got the worst of it.

“oh my god” Charlie whispered, more to himself than anything.

“Right?” Julie said, nodding like she knew what he was thinking, even though there was no way she could. “I’m just glad someone finally shut those stupid pricks up. Shocking that it ended up being Adam though. The guy went absolutely feral. It was so random.”

And a little piece of Charlie really wanted to think that it was something he had said that got through to Banks, that it might not actually be that random. That maybe he finally got fed up with the homophobic shit that his friends were constantly spewing and had stood up for whoever was being bullied, stood up for Charlie, or for himself. He hated so much that he wanted that to be the case, but his mind was reeling. He didn’t want to forgive Banks. But he really did want to at the same time. God, he felt so fucking weak about it.

Connie waited for Julie to leave before she turned to Charlie in her seat with a serious expression. “I think you should go talk to him.”

Charlie scoffed, but his heart was racing. He really wanted to, but he needed his friends to tell him it was a good idea so that he could be sure it wasn’t just his heart leading him right off a cliff.

“She’s right” Guy said. “If nothing else, you should tell coach about all the homophobic shit Larson and McGill have been saying, because they are definitely going to be at least considering kicking them out, and the staff need to know how bad it’s been.”

He got up with a small nod, silently so grateful when Guy and Connie followed him. He needed to know what happened at least. He really felt like Banks owed him that, even if it didn’t change anything. Even if it still hurt, he had to know.

Adam

“Tell him” Adam said, glaring at Lars across the small space between their two chairs in coach Orion’s office. “Tell him all the shit you two have said and then look at me and say you didn’t deserve it, I dare you.”

“That’s enough!” coach yelled, smacking his hands hard on the desk, making them both jump. “Someone better tell me what the hell happened, or you are both out of here and banned!”

Adam didn’t feel like it was the right time to point out that they had less than two days left, and that, as seniors, neither him or Lars would be back next summer. So he just continued to glare over at Lars, waiting for the other boy to speak.

“He hit McGill” Lars said lamely. “I was defending a friend, sir.”

Orion looked to Adam next. “Banks?”

And Adam felt the disgust rise up in him again at his former friends, and at himself, but he pushed it down and took a shaky breath. “McGill used the F slur when referring to another teammate. I was defending a friend, sir.”

As he said it he could hear Conway’s voice again in his head. We aren’t friends. We aren’t anything. And he had to blink back sudden tears.

“Is that true, Larson?” coach asked, and both boys could sense the tenseness in his tone at the implication. Adam really hoped coach would take it seriously, but it was hockey, so he couldn’t be sure.

Lars nodded, looking down and embarrassed, but not ashamed.

“So not really something worth defending, then” coach added, still looking at Lars.

“No, sir” Lars mumbled.

They stayed in coach’s office for half an hour explaining everything that had happened from both sides. More than a few times Adam had to grip the chair to keep himself from hauling off and hitting Lars again for the casual way he talked about Conway. He felt wild with it, like he was willing to risk anything and everything for that boy. Deep down he knew he was also defending himself a little too. They were the same, he and Conway.

Coach dismissed Lars first with orders to pack up his things and then come back so Adam could pack his, and Adam wasn’t sure if it was because he would be leaving or because he would be moving bunks. He didn’t really care all that much either way, but the uncertainty of it was annoying. His lip hurt, and he had a headache from the screaming and shouting in the cafeteria, but it was worth it when he saw the two huge bruises already forming on Lars’ face when he turned to leave.

A staff member came in as Lars was leaving and whispered a few things to coach that Adam couldn’t hear. He nodded, then sighed deeply, rubbing his forehead and leveling Adam with a tired look.

“McGill has already requested to go home” he said simply.

Adam just nodded. Good. Fucking coward.

“Conway is also waiting outside to talk to me” coach continued. “He apparently has some things he thinks I should know before I send you packing.”

Adam sat up a little straighter at that, looking back toward the door as if Conway might walk through it any second. His heart had picked up double time in his chest.

“Go wait in the hall, Banks” he sighed.

Adam nodded and left. When he opened the door he wasn’t really all that surprised to see Conway flanked by Moreau and Germaine, but he was surprised to see that they weren’t glaring at him like they usually were.

“He said you wanted to talk to him” Adam said, only a little embarrassed by how breathless he sounded when he looked at Conway.

Conway nodded and walked past him through the door, leaving Adam with Moreau and Germaine in the hall. He sat heavily down on the floor, then felt his swollen lip with his fingertip for the first time. It fucking hurt, but he wasn’t going to show it around Conway’s friends.

“You look like shit” Germaine said, sitting down across from Adam in the hall.

“You should see the other guy” Adam mumbled, still touching his lip.

That made Germaine laugh, and even Moreau smiled a little, nodding appreciatively.

“Oh we did” she said. “We got a good look when he walked out here earlier. Nice black eyes.”

“Thanks” Banks said, feeling the edge of his mouth lift in a small smile.

They sat there in silence for a while, listening to the talking coming through the door. They couldn’t really make out what was being said, but Adam’s heart skipped every time he heard Conway’s tone.

“Wish Charlie was as loud as you” Germaine quipped after a long stretch. “I can’t hear a fucking thing in there.”

“You… you guys could hear us?” Adam asked.

Germaine nodded. “Just some of it. You were yelling at Larson a lot, so we got all that, anyway.”

“Yea, that was a good time” Moreau said easily.

They were both watching him. Adam could feel their eyes on his face, but he didn’t look up. He wanted to stay in this moment as long as he could because he felt a little hopeful that maybe Conway would forgive him. Maybe they could talk and actually be friends again, be anything. He felt almost numb with how much he hurt, how much he wished he could go back and slap the shit out of himself for laughing along with the things those other two morons thought was funny.

“He hates me” Adam said, feeling the tears well up in his eyes as quickly as the words left him.

Germaine nudged his foot a little across the hall to get his attention, then shook his head. “No, he doesn’t.”

Adam searched his face, but he didn’t find any sort of deception there. He looked up to Moreau, still standing with her arms crossed, leaning against the wall. She looked just as serious, though less severe than Banks was used to, and when she gave him the smallest head shake too, he felt like he could breathe for the first time in 2 days. He let his head fall back into his hands, trying to breathe. Trying to make it all make sense

They sat there for another long stretch of time before Moreau asked: “Did you really do that for Charlie?” Her tone was almost disbelieving, like the idea of Banks doing such a thing was laughable.

“Yea” he said quietly, not really even sure if he could be heard. “But also… you know… for myself. Me and Conway… we’re… the same.”

“You mean you’re gay?” Germaine asked very bluntly.

And Adam wasn’t sure how to answer that honestly. He wasn’t sure if he was gay or bi or just absolutely infatuated with Conway to the exclusion of literally everyone else. He didn’t feel like it mattered all that much, really.

He shrugged with a little sigh, rubbing his forehead roughly to try and alleviate the headache he still had. “I… I don’t know. Maybe?” he sighed again. “I just really really like him. So, whatever that makes me… I don’t really care.”

Moreau opened her mouth to say something, but was cut off as the door to coach’s office opened, and Conway walked out and passed Adam without a glance. Germaine and Moreau followed him without hesitation, and Adam was left there staring down the hall at the place they had disappeared.

Coach called him back into the office and yelled at him for a while about fighting and all the ways he could have handled the situation better. Adam apologized, really meaning it too because coach was right, he should have just spoken up much sooner instead of laughing along like it was funny to cut other people down for any reason at all.

“You can stay” coach said finally, “but you are on thin ice, Banks. You have what it takes to make the show, but you have to start using your head. You have to be able to think before you react.”

“Sorry, coach” he said again.

“It’s not like you to fight.”

“I know” Adam said, hanging his head a little. It really wasn’t like Adam to fight. He wasn’t afraid to fight, but throwing punches wasn’t his first instinct either. “This was different.”

Coach stared at him for a long moment, and Adam thought maybe he was putting the pieces together. He nodded a little then said “Larson and McGill should be gone. Go. We have afternoon practice in 20 minutes.”

“Yes, coach” Adam said, standing to leave, but turning around at the door to whisper a small, but meaningful “thanks.”

Coach nodded again, then looked down to shuffle the papers on his desk, indicating clearly that the conversation was finished.

Charlie

Charlie told coach what happened with Larson and McGill, and every negative comment either of them had made, this year or otherwise, to himself or to Gaffney and Lee, who were proudly dating. It was hard getting through it all because it made some things hurt all over again, and also highlighted the magnitude of the situation that had seemed so minor when the comments trickled in so slowly over time. He was glad to hear they wouldn’t be coming back. He was also glad to hear that Banks was staying, even though he also sort of thought it might be easier to get over the boy if he had left.

The thing was he and Guy and Connie had heard Banks in coach’s office yelling at Larson about it all, having to be told several times by coach to calm himself or sit down. They hadn’t heard really anything Larson said, but they got the gist of it based on Banks’ loud protests, and every time Charlie heard his voice speak up it felt like a little bit of the hurt was healing.

“You ok?” Guy asked as they walked out of the building back toward the bunkhouse.

“Yea” Charlie nodded a little. “I’m alright.”

They walked in silence for a few steps before Connie blurted out “Banks came out to us” like she couldn’t keep the words in any longer.

“Actually” Guy corrected, “he said you and him were the same, and then when I asked if he meant gay he said he might be because he really likes you, and that he didn’t care what that made him. Or… something.”

“Really?” Charlie asked.

And yea, ok, so he was aware that it came out a little more breathy and weak than was probably warranted, but he couldn’t help it. This shit was emotional, and Banks punched his stupid friends, and came out to Connie and Guy, and said he liked Charlie… and it was just alot. It was so much all at once, good and bad, and he really just needed to think. But they had practice, and they had to get changed.

Charlie wasn’t really sure what Connie and Guy had talked about with Banks in that hallway, but they seemed pretty willing to give him a chance. Of course, Banks hadn’t actually broken either of their hearts, so Charlie wasn’t really willing to let them have the final say on anything, though it did make him feel better about wanting to talk to Banks too. He couldn’t bring himself to do it during the practice. He could feel Banks’ eyes on him between shooting drills, but he refused to look up. Charlie had the feeling that if he did, if he looked up and into those beautiful blue eyes, he would forgive Banks, and he wasn’t sure he was ready to do that yet.

At dinner Banks sat with Julie and Katie at the next table over, eating quietly even though several people came over to ask him about what had happened, or where Larson and McGill had gone. He just answered the questions as simply as he could to get the point across without giving the impression he wanted to get into the whole thing. And Charlie wanted to cry still, though he wasn’t sure why. He could see that Banks was hurting, and that hurt him even more. His head had never been so messy in his whole life.

“Are you going to talk to him?” Connie asked, nodding toward Banks as he took his tray to the drop off window and left.

“I don’t know” He answered honestly.

“Just try and remember how fucking confused you were when you were figuring it out” Guy said. “None of this is ok, but… like… you know better than anyone that it’s not easy.”

“I never said stupid bullying shit like them though.”

Guy nodded. “That’s true. I’m not saying it was ok or anything, I’m just saying that he did stand up to all of it, eventually. And he lost the only two friends he has in the process. Even if they are pieces of shit.”

Charlie didn’t really have anything to say to that because he couldn’t imagine only having those morons as friends. Every single one of his own friends were supportive and kind, and he wondered how things might have turned out differently for him if he hadn’t had them when he was figuring it all out for himself. If Jesse hadn’t been so good about it when Charlie tried to kiss him, or if Karp hadn’t stolen all those different dirty magazines for him in a misguided attempt to determine who he was attracted to, and who he wasn’t. If Fulton hadn’t joined him at the gay-straight alliance meeting sophomore year, or if Guy and Connie hadn’t suffered through half a dozen failed double date situations because he was too nervous to go alone until halfway through Junior year.

He had the best friends in the world, and the best mom, and while Charlie wasn’t really all that clued in on Banks’ home-life, it was painfully obvious he didn’t have the support he needed in his friends. Not by a long shot.

“Yea” he muttered, pushing food around on his tray. “I’ll think about it.”

And he really did think about it. All he had been able to do for the last two fucking weeks is think about Banks, so it wasn’t a rough trail for his brain to follow at this point.

“Hey, I’ll see you guys later” he said suddenly as they made their way back to the bunkhouse.

“Ok” they said together, looking at each other a little confused as Charlie walked off.

He made the long detour over to the rock where he and Banks had been meeting up, telling himself that if Banks was there, or if he showed up, Charlie would talk to him, but if he didn’t come, he wouldn’t.

“Hey” Banks breathed, voice a little shaky as he stood up from the big rock when he saw Charlie make his way up the hill. He took a few steps toward Charlie like he was afraid he might try to leave.

“Hey” he said back, crossing his arms a little, not moving closer.

“I’m… I wasn’t sure if you would come…”

Charlie huffed a derisive little laugh and rolled his eyes. “Yea, well, I’m not here to make out, so…”

Banks looked at him for a long time, studying his face. Charlie was just about to turn and leave when he opened his mouth to finally speak. “I’m sorry” he said simply, the syllables getting stuck a little on the way out, cutting the words off a bit. “I’m sorry I was such a coward and… and that I didn’t understand… and that I hurt you.”

Banks was crying, and Charlie couldn’t help himself from moving in to wrap his arms around him.

“You really did” Charlie said, only then realizing he was crying too. “You really fucking hurt me, Banks.”

Banks let out a wild sob, sinking into Charlie a little more, and wrapping his own arms around Charlie’s back. They stood there for a long time, both crying, until Charlie finally pulled away, moving past Banks to sit down on the rock. He gestured for Banks to join him, and they stared out at the water together for a while, letting their breathing even back out, and letting the tears dry on their faces.

“I don’t know what to do to fix it” Banks said quietly. “But I want to. I want to fix this because I really really like you.”

Charlie took a deep breath and rubbed the back of his neck a little. “I just… I need you to understand that it isn’t enough that you finally stood up to those jackasses just because you like me. Like… even if we had never met, it still isn’t ok to do that. You can’t only do the right thing because you want to keep kissing me in your free time, Banks. That’s not how this works.”

Banks nodded, his voice very small when he said “I know.”

Charlie waited for him to continue, but he didn’t. And Charlie didn’t really know what to think about it that Banks was so quiet, or that neither of them knew what to say. Everything they had said felt too big and too insignificant all at the same time, and he couldn’t figure out a way around the pain and awkwardness they were both clearly feeling sitting there on that fucking rock.

So he took a deep breath and stood up, offering his hand out to Banks like some kind of peace offering and asked: “want to go for a swim?”

Banks nodded and let himself be pulled up, neither of them willing to drop their held hands as they walked down to the water together in silence, a little piece of each of them healing more and more with each step.

Adam

When Adam talked to his parents that night they immediately asked about Larson and McGill, and the fight between the three of them. Adam explained it honestly, surprising himself with how easy it was to come out to them over video call in his empty bunkhouse. They were surprised, of course, but also genuinely worried.

“I don’t want you going back to school with those boys” his mother said, referring to Lars and Mac. “If they were bullying…”

“We can look into options, son” his dad said. “Something with a good hockey program, of course. I think Eden Hall might be accepting students. It’s not too far away and I think you know that girl, Gaffney, right? She plays there?”

And Adam cried because he just really needed that support right then.

He and Conway hadn’t kissed in the water that night, but they swam around in silence for a while, and when Adam tried to float, Conway supported him a little like he had done that first night, smiling down at him with those bright green eyes, and it felt like it might be ok. He felt like he might be able to breathe again soon. Like he was finally figuring out who he really was, and the person he wanted to be.

“Hey, Banks!” Germaine called out as Adam grabbed his breakfast tray.

His eyes roamed the cafeteria, looking for the voice, then spotted the trio there off to the side. When his eyes landed on them, Conway, Moreau, and Germaine all smiled wide at the same time, and Adam couldn’t help but smile back. He walked over, a little confused at being called over, and waited for Germaine to speak.

“Well, sit down” he laughed. “We were just trying to figure out if Gretzky in his prime could have scored off of Price in net in his prime.”

“Definitely” Adam said at the same time Conway said “yes.”

Moreau sighed deeply, then shook her head. “You are all wrong. The game has developed since Gretzky. No way he would be able to hang the same with the guys on the ice now. Not saying he’s not, like, fucking insane and absolutely worthy of the title the Great One, but come on. Price!”

Conway launched into a full thesis about why she was very, very wrong, and Adam just listened, smiling along, nodding at the parts he agreed with while he ate. Eventually they roped Julie and Katie in, and pretty soon half of the camp was debating the merits of various forwards and goalies like they were defending a client on trial. It was easy and it was fun, but Adam’s favorite part was just sitting there next to Conway, and the way his knee occasionally bumped into Adam’s.

Morning skate that day was brutal. No one ever expected the last day to be easy, they weren’t little kids anymore, but it seemed to be coach’s mission to make sure each and every one of them remembered everything they learned by making sure they were too sore the next morning to ever forget it. They weren’t partnered up, but Conway stuck near Adam anyway, lining up by him with Germaine and Moreau close behind. He wanted to ask about it, but he also didn’t want to break the spell everyone seemed to be under either.

“Nice one, Conway” Adam said as Conway tucked one away cleanly past Katie.

Conway skated to a stop next to him on his way to the back of the line and smiled. “My friends call me Charlie, actually.”

He held out his gloved hand comically, as if introducing himself for the first time. Adam took it and shook it a little.

“Nice to meet you, Charlie” he laughed. “I’m Adam.”

“Yea, yea. Guy… Connie…” Guy pointed to himself and Connie in turn, rolling his eyes a little. “Very cute. Now can we play some hockey please?” He nodded toward the goal where Katie was in position and ready to go.

Adam took the shot, landing it just out of the reach of her glove.

“Nice one, Adam” Charlie said as Adam skated to a stop next to him at the back of the line.

“Thanks, Charlie.” He couldn’t help the wide smile that grew on his face when he looked at Charlie, or the way his heart picked up a little quicker when Charlie smiled back.

“Hey... do you want to go for a walk or something later?” Adam asked, feeling brave.

Charlie’s smile got even bigger. “I really do.”

Adam had the overwhelming sense that everything was going to be ok. Like everything had aligned the way it was always meant to be ever since he had let himself be pulled into Charlie’s orbit. And it really felt so easy now, letting himself float there.