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It was the first and last time.
Izuku couldn't understand why his senses only got back to him once he felt the last breath dragged out of the stranger's mouth. It wasn't quite a stranger. He knew his name, at least. It was Y/N. Y/N was dead, bleeding out like roadkill.
He dropped the knife, staggering back as he trembled. He felt the cold concrete hit his back. He couldn't bear to look at the body, and yet it was all he looked at.
"I'm sorry" he breathed out. "What have I done? Forgive me, forgive me..." He didn't know who he was praying to. Later on he would repent at the feet of those who offered him the deal, after he'd taken a life to save a life. Ah, what pushed him to this state? Right, being near death pushed him to give death.
He couldn't remember crap. He was glad he did, or he was convincing himself well enough to not recall a thing. But now he could pay for his mother's surgery. Contrary to what he expected, there was no joy in his system. Not a hint of satisfaction.
Once he sat down, he grounded himself by taking in a deep breath, feeling the sterile and eery scent of the hospital. He couldn't get used to it, even after so long. There was a crawling feeling on his back, whispering in his ear to cut his own hands off. They were filthy. Sin was now written on his being. In his other ear, a soothing voice whispered. He was a vessel, and not the act. He chose to listen to that voice, forcing himself into that mindset. That he was a body with a mind, and not the other way around.
"That's what you're thinking, right?" The voice seemed to exit from his head and take a physical form. His shoulders felt heavy, and his ears felt warm. "Well for me, I just think you're an asshole" the voice said.
Izuku abruptly stood up and looked behind him, to be faced with a plain wall. Not wanting to look insane around hospital staff and anyone else, he zipped up his jacket and walked out.
"Wait up, will you?" He still heard the voice when he got out. He clutched the railing, breathing heavily. "Hey, quit avoiding me" a figure stood before him with crossed arms.
"Fuck" Izuku's eyes widened.
"What? You're scared now? You didn't seem frightened when you were stabbing me earlier. Anyway, somehow, I'm still alive" Y/N grinned proudly, his hands on his hips. "Now listen here you bastard, nobody fucks with–" he reached out to grab Izuku's collar, but his hand simply passed through. "huh...?" He blinked.
Izuku was having a tough time comprehending all of it. Perhaps this was a dream, or he was on drugs.
"Well, let's skip that part then" Y/N got into a stance and attempted to punch Izuku, but once again, his hand only passed through. "Ah..." He stepped back, staring at his hands. "You really did kill me, huh?" He muttered. "And I can't even hit you for it" he grit his teeth.
Satisfied with the thought that this was all a game his mind played with him, and eager to end it, Izuku walked away towards a nearby convenience store.
"Hey, where are you going, huh?" Y/N followed closely, aggressiveness in his every step. "Oh, you're trying to ignore me. You're lucky I can't beat you the fuck up right now. But that doesn't mean I can't torment you by being constantly beside you" he sneered.
Izuku took a deep breath and ran a hand though his hair, continuing to convince himself that nobody was actually there. He opened the chiller, taking a can of soda.
"You're lucky you're alive. You can enjoy a nice little soda. I miss being alive already. I wish I could chuck that can down your throat" he grimaced.
He paid for the soda and quickly chugged it down. "Ooh, now you're really getting under my skin, you little fucker" Y/N cracked his knuckles. "Look at me, enjoying a fresh soda right after I killed an innocent person" he raised the pitch of his voice, speaking in mockery. "And for what? I don't even know who you are and what I did to you. Who the fuck are you anyway?" He groaned.
"This is all a dream, this is all a dream, this is all a dream" Izuku chanted, closing his eyes.
"Yeah, you better start reciting. Because I'm not leaving anytime soon" he huffed.
"Please leave me alone" he covered his ears.
"What? No way. I'm here to torment you. You should be guilty enough to let me" he retorted.
"I'm guilty enough, damn it" he grunted
"Doesn't make it fair for me" he raised his chin.
Izuku groaned, facing the wall and repeatedly hitting his head against it. "This wasn't meant to happen. I'm sorry" he sobbed.
"Bit too late for that" he rolled his eyes.
"What the fuck do you want me to do then?" He sniffled.
Y/N grinned and crossed his arms, "keep crying".
Izuku sobbed louder. "I swear, I didn't want to do this. I had to" he reasoned.
Y/N raised his brow, "don't turn the tables on me and make me the guilty one. You can save your reasons that you think are so valid for another time when I feel like listening to you".
Izuku sighed, defeated, burying his face deeper into his hands. "I'll accept this burden to bear, then" he straightened up, ruffling his hair and standing straight. With another deep breath, and what he had left in him, he managed to make his way to his apartment without much bother.
Y/N was silent. Izuku couldn't tell if he was still there, following him around. An unsure presence. He started to think he was an illusion all along, and the thought offered him some comfort in the meantime. But somewhere in his mind he was just waiting for the ghost, or whatever he was, to speak up.
Eventually, he heard a clang in his kitchen, which he looked over. There was a mixing bowl on the floor, and Y/N sitting on the counter, looking at the fallen item. His eyes were wide, with a mix of shock and wonder. "I pushed it off" he said.
"I can see that" Izuku murmured,burying his hands into his pockets.
Y/N reached out and touched a chair, to which his hand passed through. He bent down and picked up the mixing bowl. "That's odd" he breathed out. "Why can I touch this but not the chair?" He wondered.
"I don't know" he sighed, plopping down into his couch. He didn't know why he was anticipating Y/N's voice earlier. But at least in some eerie way it filled the silence, and made him think less.
Besides, this ghost was less terrifying than he thought.
"I wasn't asking you" he sneered,spinning the mixing bowl in his hands, growing attached to the only thing he could touch. "Besides, I can answer that myself" he placed the mixing bowl on the table, looking around the kitchen in thought.
Izuku had a feeling this wasn't going to go well.
: :
The kitchen was a mess. Y/N was in a sort of manic ghost episode, and Izuku wanted the couch to swallow him whole, a part of him still denying everything as reality.
"It seems there's a niche for the stuff I can touch" Y/N placed his hands on his hips, looking proud albeit the mess he made. "It's not my kitchen anyway, and you've done me far worse" he raised his chin, looking at Izuku from the corner of his eye.
He felt a trickle of guilt gush down his throat, and he held in a sigh.
"But I hate messy places, so I'll have to clean this up" he scratched the back of his head. "Doesn't mean I enjoy it" he defended, picking up the utensils on the ground.
From there, there was only the sound of kitchen utensils in the background. Izuku was convinced at any point in time Y/N would just stab him from behind. He wished hee wouldn't. Or they'd still see each other in hell.
"Hey you, let me borrow your body" Y/N said, now sitting on the edge of the couch.
Izuku shook his head. While he did feel a heavy remorse and guilt permanently tied to him, it didn't mean he would let a ghost possess him and potentially place him in terrible situations.
"My name is Izuku" he murmured.
"Not a valid answer" he crossed his arms.
"What're you planning to do?" He crossed his arms as well.
"Invalid. None of your business" he sneered.
"No, but it's my body" he defended.
"A heartless one!" He heaved dramatically and plunged forward. Izuku felt himself get violently pushed out of his own body, hitting the wall.
"Fuck" he grunted as he struggled to get up, his vision blurry. Once it cleared, he could see his own body, with Y/N successfully possessing it.
Y/N blinked, meeting a mirror. "It worked" he breathed out. "Later" he grinned, instantly rushing out and running to the streets.
"Where do you think you're going?" Izuku muttered under his breath with a grunt, chasing after him. He was never much of a runner, but Y/N was clearly making the most out of his borrowed body.
But soon enough, at the entrance of a small bakery, he was panting heavily, hands on his hips. "That bastard barely moves around, doesn't he?" He murmured to himself with annoyance, wiping off the sweat on his forehead. Though he quickly forgot about his initial irritation, and peeked through the door's window like a curious child.
Izuku watched from a distance, his spirit form still trying to get used to itself. He wondered, of all places, why a bakery? He stepped back at the realization of all the possibilities Y/N could indulge himself into while in Izuku's body. He expected the reveal of his murder to authorities, but apparently for Y/N, there was something more important than his own justice.
Y/N walked into the bakery, the small bell ringing above him.
The owner, an elderly man, didn't even notice him. He was on the phone, trying to contact someone, but was left with no answer. "Damn it, where is that kid?" He sighed.
Y/N walked to the counter, keeping his gaze down.
"Oh, good morning, young sir" the owner greeted with a slight bow, though the hint of worry in his eyes for something else was still there. "Take your time" he nodded, more to himself than to Y/N, and turned around to make another hopeless call.
Izuku reached out for an experimental hand, surprised to see his arm actually passed through the wall. Silently, he passed though and continued to watch Y/N and whatever mysterious purpose he had for coming here.
"What's your special here?" Y/N asked.
"Oh, um..." The owner placed his phone down elsewhere. "The chocolate croissants and strawberry milkshake" he answered.
"I'll take those then" he grinned.
"You don't even have money on you" Izuku whispered to himself under his breath. Either Y/N didn't hear him, or just ignored him.
"You look troubled. Something the matter?" He rested his cheek on his hand.
"I'm just worrying over nothing" he shook his head with a light chuckle as he prepared the milkshake. "My kid's just giving me a scare. Not picking up that phone and all" he sighed.
Y/N pointed at the picture frame, "is that your kid?".
The owner smiled, "yeah, that's him. Engineering student. Studies far away. But he's home for the week. He's probably busy buying groceries, that's why he can't pick up"
Izuku leaned back, trying to get a view of who was in the picture. A wave of shock and guilt crashed down on him when he did. It was Y/N, with a medal around his neck, and a smile full of life.
"He'll be back here soon enough" The owner nodded.
"He will" Y/N breathed out. "I have a feeling he's already close".
Izuku couldn't move, couldn't know what to think. He knew regret was useless, and he hated the feeling of it swallowing him whole. Here was a father expecting his son to be home, enjoying the limited time they had together.
For now, he was blissfully unaware of the killer being right in front of him.
: :
On the table outside, Y/N set down a paper bag. "Thanks for the treat" he patted Izuku's shoulder, returning his body to him. "Well, I can't enjoy it anyways" he huffed as he was now sitting where Izuku's soul was.
Izuku sighed, awkwardly taking the seat across from him. He didn't feel like eating anything, his stomach felt like it had just been squeezed, shaken, and forcefully pushed down his throat.
"You've never been to this place?"
"No"
"You should. By yourself, preferably"
Izuku's stomach churned once again. He crossed his arms, then uncrossed them. Unsure of how to use body language to portray his point. He was well aware of his position, but was wary of how to proceed.
"Look," he started, leaning forward and placing his elbows on the table. He lowered his voice when he remembered that in the eyes of everyone else, there was only one person here.
"If you're trying to make me feel guilty, it's worked before I killed you" he whispered. "In fact, guilt isn't the only thing that's fucking me up right now, alright?" He sighed with evident frustration. "I'm confused, angry, at myself mostly. To the point I think you're just a product of the whirlwind of crappy things I'm feeling. I don't–" he clenched his fists. There was something he was trying to push through his system, a string of words he wanted to convey to make this ghostly figure understand. His heart was racing, his flustered state much to his dislike.
"I'm not even sure if you're real. Actually here. Like you're just a byproduct of my brain being so overwhelmed" he leaned against the seat.
Y/N hopped onto the table, crouching down and grabbing Izuku's collar, which the latter was not aware he could do. The former was probably aware of this too, but was too consumed by what looked to be rage to seem surprised.
"Oh no, killing an innocent person is so stressful! But being super guilty about it justifies it, right?" He whined in a mocking voice. "Bullshit" he sneered. "If you're trying to manifest a vengeful spirit, it's worked before you killed me" he raised his chin, deriding Izuku's earlier statement.
"...I'm sorry" Izuku looked down. The only contents in his stomach was guilt. He wanted nothing more than to throw it all up, but now he knew he had to suck it up and deal with it, although it wouldn't fit anything. "I've been selfish. I shouldn't have blabbered and justified about myself when I'm the one in the wrong" he kept his head low. "If there's anything you want me to do, anything at all to lift the burden, I'll do it" he offered.
Y/N kept silent, and Izuku kept his gaze downwards. Izuku didn't know what he expected afterwards, but he hoped it would be a step towards what was at least close to redemption.
"Tell me," Y/N finally started, "why did you kill me?" He asked.
Izuku gulped. He understood Y/N's desire to know the reason that had pushed him to take a life.
"I was in debt" he let out a shaky breath, slowly running a hand up his own arm. "Really, heavy debt. To make it worse, my mother fell ill, in the hospital. Of course, I didn't have anything in my pockets. So this group I was indebted to made a deal with me. I don't know if you know, but they've got a grudge with you. To keep their hands clean, they uh...they told me to kill you, and they'd forget about the debt" he concluded.
"...and you did?"
"Well..." He looked at him.
"That was a stupid question" he looked away.
"Right..." He looked down again, unsure of what to do.
After what felt like an eternity, Y/N sighed. "I...I get it, alright?" He begrudgingly said, with a click of his tongue. "As fucked up as that seems. It's like I just wanted to know why" he murmured.
"That doesn't excuse what I've done, though" he bit his lower lip. "You could've been an engineer" he added.
"No use crying over what's done" he sighed. "You're still fucking stupid, though" he lightly hit Izuku's head, "oh, that worked" he blinked, surprised that his hand didn't pass through.
"Why?" He placed his hand on the spot where Y/N hit him.
Y/N rolled his eyes, "where was the guarantee they'd leave you alone after I'm dealt with?" He knocked some sense into him.
"Ah..." Izuku blinked, earning him another disappointed look from Y/N. "I'm–"
"I get it, I get it" he shook his head, throwing a dismissive wave of his hand. "I'm no angel, but there's nothing more draining for me than holding a grudge" he muttered. "But, I–...why the fuck are you crying?"
"I'm sorry" he sniffled, "You're just so kind, and..." He wiped off the tears on his face, which were quickly replaced with new ones.
"Snap out of it, will you?" He groaned, "you're in public, for fuck's sake" he took a brioche bread from the paper bag and stuffed it into Izuku's mouth.
His crying stopped, or was muffled, at least, "hamk ou..." He bit into the bread and ate.
Y/N reluctantly ran a hand through his hair, "you're such a big baby..." He rolled his eyes for the nth time.
"I'm–"
"If you apologize again I'm gonna possess you and embarrass you here in public"
He paused, wiped a final tear, and continued eating the brioche.
: :
"You're unemployed?" Y/N threw a stick up the air, kicking it back up with his ankle, then back with his knee. He was starting to get the hang of holding some things, and passing through others.
"Yeah" Izuku breathed out. He picked up his feet, avoiding getting wet from the waves. How they ended up on the pier, he didn't know why. He was simply following Y/N as he finished the bread.
Y/N lost interest with the stick and picked up a small, flat rock. "It shows" he muttered, throwing the rock onto the water and making it jump four times.
"Oh" he looked up at him. He wasn't looking around for another object to entertain him. He had his hands on his hips, looking about in the distance.
"A wild guess, but are those the guys you're indebted to?" He squinted.
Izuku turned around, to see that Y/N was in fact correct. "Sit still. Pretend you didn't see anything" Y/N sat beside him.
"But–"
"Isn't the sea beautiful?"
"Well...yes, it is"
"Look at its vastness. Doesn't it make you feel so insignificant?"
"I'm not sure if that should be a good or bad thing–" he was picked up from behind by his collar like a stray dog, a group of three men surrounded him with predatory eyes.
"They look like they smell like shit" Y/N commented.
"Shut up" Izuku muttered.
One of the mean grimaced, "what'd you say?"
"I said," Y/N stepped forward and took over Izuku's body, "geez, you really do smell like shit" he frowned, and threw a deafening punch. Out of shock, the man released his grip on his collar, landing Y/N down on the ground.
Izuku's soul, whose shock was nothing less than that of the others, was neglected on the ground, unable to do anything but watch the image of him doing something he could only imagine himself doing. From his point of view it was undeniably appealing to see oneself execute actions so uncharacteristic. Yet here he was.
He was never much of the athletic type. Yet Y/N managed to make the most out of what he'd been lacking. He estimated not a minute had passed, and all three guys were unconscious on the ground.
Y/N panted, looking down at Izuku's utilized, bloody knuckles. "Sorry about that" he crouched down, catching his breath. "Geez, don't you move?" He grunted as he sweated profusely.
"I should be thanking you, actually" he muttered, still unable to move from his position.
"It's nothing. I don't even know what got into me" he shook his head, then gave Izuku's body back to him. Now Izuku was standing up, while Y/N was seated where he was earlier. "Actually I do know why I did that. Now I feel a bit better" he admitted with a short chuckle.
Izuku sat down next to him, and they both faced the sea. He couldn't help but notice how Y/N's demeanor seemed to shift. It's only been a short while, but he'd gotten used to Y/N's voice as a constant, either in the background or foreground. But now he was silent, wrapped into himself.
"The sea is beautiful" Izuku started, leaning back. The sun was scattered on the water, reflecting and passing through Y/N's figure. Like glass. Izuku realized how fragile he truly was. "Makes you feel insignificant. I certainly do" at this point he didn't know what he was trying to achieve. To fill in the silence, capture a response from his companion. Maybe it was best to keep silent. And admire how the light turned Y/N into a gentle little jellyfish. It reminded him of summer afternoons.
"You said you'd do anything to make it up to me, right?" He finally uttered.
Izuku blinked. "Yeah, I did" he pursed his lips together, his mind running with guesses of what Y/N would ask of him.
"Can you buy a little something at my dad's bakery every day?" He muttered.
Once again, Y/N had twisted his expectations. A request for his confession, a ritualistic punishment, those were the conditions he expected. But now he'd learnt that this ghost had lived a simple life before he took it.
"Okay" he breathed out.
"...okay" he smiled softly. "I'd be pissed to see you soon" he threw a rock towards the water, which Izuku kept his eyes on. It wasn't even a flat rock, and it sank down immediately. When he glanced beside him again, there wasn't any refracted light on the rocks.