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Statistically there's only 5 stages of grief when someone passes away. The first stage is denial, and it comes after you lose someone.
When Yoongi first got the call, he was in the middle of showing the Ceo a sneak peak of a beat he created for this new group that was going to make a debut. He could feel his phone vibrating though his jean pocket, but he ignored it. A few minutes went by and after the fourth time calling, he began to get worried.
He took out his phone and saw an incoming call from his friend Namjoon. "Please, excuse me. I keep getting a call and I just want to make everything is okay."
The Ceo nodded, "of course."
Yoongi went outside his production room and answer the call.
"Joon! You better have a good freaking reason for calling or I'm kick-"
"Hy-hyung!" Namjoon interrupted, before a harsh sob escaped his lips.
"Joon? What's wrong? Are you okay?" He began feel a heavy weight on his chest as he waited for his friend to reply.
"Hyung, it's Jimin. He-"
This time Yoongi caught him off. "What happened? Is he okay?" He heard another sob and then some shuffling in the background before another familiar voice spoke.
"You need to come to Seoul National University Hospital." It was Taehyung.
"Is he okay? What happened to him?"
"I can't tell you this over the phone, hyung. You need to come now."
"Please, just tell me now. I'm begging you! What's wrong with Jimin?"
"He- he's dead, hyung." Taehyung said, in a whisper. Almost as if he said it too loud then it wasn't just some awful nightmare he was dreaming about. Yoongi began to cry even harder making it harder for him to breath.
Yoongi felt his world turn upside down.
Yoongi doesn't know how but soon enough he found himself inside the hospital and right outside the room where his lover currently laid. He doesn't remember telling his boss that he was leaving. He doesn't remember the car ride to the hospital. He doesn't even remember if he took his car or a taxi to get over here. All he could remember is Taehyung's voice as he told Yoongi, "He's dead," over and over.
He did however keep sending messages to Jimin's phone.
To Jiminie: It's not true right?
To Jiminie: Please tell me you're okay
To Jiminie: Answer me please
To Jiminie: Tell me it was just a prank please
To Jiminie: I promise I won't be mad as long as you you're alive
To Jiminie: Please be alive
No response.
The first night home was the loneliest he ever spent in the past 24 years together.
He couldn't believe it and he didn't want to believe it at all. Not even when the funeral took place three days after his death. Because even when the funeral is over, and everyone gets to go back home and live on with their normal lives, Yoongi was still stuck in past. That's when the shock wears off and the feelings sets in, and you realized that they really are gone. Their absence began to feel all the more real and you come to terms that you'll never see them again. How are you supposed to go on without them?
The second stage is anger. Soon enough Yoongi's sadness faded away and it turned into anger. All that sadness built up inside of him, because he didn't have no one's shoulder to lean on, came out without a warning. He became a mad crazy person. He became someone that not even his friends could even recognize.
But in all honesty, his sadness turned into genuine anger because all he craves was to know the answers to all of his, "why?"
He asked why Jimin never told him how he really felt. He asked why he never notice that Jimin was having a hard time. He asked why he put all of his attention to his job and not enough attention to the person who wanted it the most. He asked why Jimin believed that ending his life was the answer instead of asking for help.
Soon his anger turned to resentment because he couldn't understand why Jimin did it if he loved and cared about him so much. He was filled with so much rage and fury.
He began to blame everyone for Jimin's death. He blames the Gods above for allowing to take someone so soon. He was angry because they allowed someone, who only wanted the best for everyone, to suffer in silence. And most of all, he was angry at himself for not seeing the signs. He looked up and shouted, "this isn't fair!" and then asked a million whys. All of his questions, his doubts, and fears were met with silence.
When Yoongi began to take out all of his anger on his friends, they never judge. They didn't care that he'll curse them in every language in the world. They didn't care when he kicked them out of the house and didn't contact them for a month. They didn't care that the sweet and gentle Yoongi they knew all of their life was being harsh and brutal. They knew that anger is a horrible feeling and that deep down inside, that rage in not going to bring Jimin back.
That's why they continued to let Yoongi lash out on them. They allowed Yoongi to ignored them no matter how many times they sent him messages and went to visit him. They allowed Yoongi to be as cruel as he wanted. They wanted Yoongi to come to terms with his true feelings. Which he did.
At the end he realized that he wasn't full of anger, he was just full of grief.
The third stage is bargaining, which is when they believe there is something they can do to change the reality. It provides hope and gives them a temporary escape from pain.
Yoongi began to blame himself for Jimin's dead. He believed that if only he noticed that his partner for over a decade was silently suffering, would've gotten him some help, then they would be lying in bed together right now.
Yoongi isn't religious at all, and it's been that way since he stopped any type of contact with his parents. But every night, he would look up at the starts in the sky from his window and began to pray.
He prayed to go God to bring Jimin back. He promised to God to change if he was able bring Jimin back. He prayed to any God above to reverse time to the day that Jimin left so that he can stopped him from leaving. He began to pray for a miracle, any miracle. He even prayed for them to take him instead and switch him out with Jimin, but then he realized that he didn't Jimin suffering the way he's doing it now.
That was the last time Yoongi ever prayed to anyone. Because no matter how many times to prays to the stars, they're just some stupid satellites.
He began to wonder what he could've done differently to avoid the loss. He blamed himself for Jimin's passing based on things he did and didn't do. Any 'what ifs' scenarios you could think of Yoongi had already analyzed it himself.
No matter how much he wished he could go back to the past and change everything, Yoongi knows that a miracle like that will never happen. Nothing he ever does will ever be enough to brin him back.
The fourth stage is depression, which is where Yoongi was currently at.
It's two in the afternoon and the blinds were still closed inside Yoongi's room. He had his face cover by his blankets so that his roommates wouldn't see him crying even though they could all hear him through the thin walls. It's been 4 months since his husband, Park Jimin, left him after they been married for seven years but together for ten. So now he spends his day and nights locked up in his room wondering what went wrong. On the other side of the room, his four friends are standing outside his door debating on if they should go inside or not.
"I hate seeing hyung like this, we should do something about it," said Jungkook, the youngest of the five.
Jin, the oldest of the group, rolled his eyes. "It hasn't been that long; do you really expect him to forget about Jimin that quickly?"
"No that's not what I'm saying. I just don't want hyung to waste his life lying in bed. His boss called and said that if he doesn't come back to work by next week then he's going to get fired. We all know how hard he worked to get that job."
"Wasn't it Jimin who was able to get him that job in the first place. Wouldn't it be painful if he goes back?" Namjoon asked. He was Yoongi's best friend all throughout high school, college, and now at the age of 32.
"Don't people always go through the 5 stages of grief-"
"I thought there was 7." The younger said, cutting of Taehyung.
"It's actually 5, the other two are shocked and testing. Most people go straight to denial as they tried to avoid the inevitable and the testing is seeking for realistic solutions but not many people actually think about the process of acceptance, they-"
"Okay we get it smartass," Jin said to Namjoon. "You can continue Tae."
Taehyung was Jimin's best friend, they were always label as platonic soulmates. Before Yoongi and Jimin dated, he believed that he was dating Taehyung, which is why it took him forever to confessed. He only did because he caught Jin and Taehyung making out and then found out they've been dating a few months before that.
"Yoongi hyung is in the depression stage so that means the next stage is acceptance. But with what Joon hyung said then we should go through the testing stage and try to come up with a solution."
"Do you guys have any idea of what we should do?"
"Let's start simple. Yoongi won't come out of his bedroom unless he needs to use the toilet or shower. Let's do something that will make him get out of the bed for reasons other than that."
"Hmm, I have an idea but I'm not sure if it's going to work." Jin said, causing everyone to turn their heads to look at him.
"What is it?" Namjoon asked.
"Let's go inside first." Jin knocked on the door and waited until they were allowed to go in.
"Hey yoongs, how are you holding up?"
Yoongi removed the covers from his head and sat up. "I'm feeling a bit thirsty. Can someone bring me a water bottle?
"Yeah, I'll be back." Jungkook left the room and went downstairs to the kitchen.
"Are you hungry? Do you want me to make you anything?" Jin asked as he held Yoongi's hands.
"No, I'm fine. Thank you though."
Namjoon looked at the nightstand next to his bed and saw the breakfast was still untouched.
Jungkook came back up. "I brought the water. Here," he handed him the water with the lid already off and Yoongi drank it all at once.
"Hyung," Taehyung started to say. "We are so sorry; we know how hard these four months have been. What happened was terrible and so sudden. I know it will be hard for you for a long time. We can't imagine how difficult this must be. We love you and we want you to know that we're here for you and we'll continued to check up on you even if you get tired of us and throw us out."
"Thanks, Tae. I know it must be hard for you too. Jimin was your best friend. I could hear you at night you know. Whenever you feel like that again, you know you can always come to my room." Yoongi said as he handed the empty water bottle back to Jungkook.
Taehyung gave him a small smile, feeling embarrassed that Yoongi could hear him crying all this time.
Felling the good atmosphere, Jin decided to speak. "We came here to talk to you about Jimin. We wanted to come up with a solution for you to accept he's-"
"I'm not going to do anything you want. I want to deal with this at my own pace." Yoongi caught him off, he sweet tone long gone and replaced with a harsher one.
"I know that, and I know that you're not going to forget about him in just four months. And I'm not saying that this is something you should forget about eventually. I'm just implying that you need to stop locking yourself in this room twenty-four/seven. You're getting sick because you won't eat! Look at how thin you have gotten! I just don't want to see you suffer for much longer. And I'm sorry for saying that you should accept that he's gone. Jimin shouldn't be gone. He should be here, with us. Acceptance should be on your own term at your own pace. But I was thinking we could maybe take a small step today, hmm?"
"Like what?"
"Well, I remember reading this article once saying that it's good to let out your feelings by talking and since you don't want to talk to us, how about you talk to Jimin."
Everyone stared at Jin with a confused look on their face. "How am I supposed to talk to him?"
"By a phone call, duh. Here." Jin handed Yoongi his phone that was placed on the bed next to him. The phone was still on, and it showed a picture of both of them sitting in the car laughing. Namjoon took this picture when he went to pick them up after their first date. It was close to Christmas and Yoongi decided to take Jimin ice skating. Yoongi owned an old beat-up van that was hard to start up sometimes and unfortunately for him, the car wouldn't turn on at that time. So, they called Namjoon to pick them up. Jimin couldn't stop teasing Yoongi about it for weeks and even then, they still continued to go on dates using that car. They did however, had to call Namjoon and Jin to pick them up from time to time.
"Call him one last time and let it all out."
"How do you know the phone number hasn't been changed already?"
"I don't, but even if it's not in service anymore just pretend it's him, you're talking to."
Yoongi grabbed the phone with his shaky hand, he found Jimin's number easily and pressed call.
The phone rang three times before he heard a familiar voice. "Hey it's Jimin. I'm busy right now so if you want me to call you back then leave a message after the beep." BEEP!
Yoongi took a deep breath before he began to speak. "Hey Jiminie, how are you?"
Yoongi wiped away his tears. "I don't know why you left but I just want to let you know that you are missed by your friends and me. We miss you a lot, there's not a day that goes by where we don't think about you. I still can’t sleep on your side of the bed because it still smells like you. Your favorite dark blue sweater is still hanging by our front door waiting to be used by you again. I spray your cologne after every shower just so could have a chance to smell your scent on me again." He cleared his throat once he felt it clogged up. "Do you remember when we first met? I remember vividly as if it was yesterday.
I was 8 years old at that time and you were moving into the house next to mine. You came out of the car wearing this awful cow print outfit with a hat too big for your head, but somehow you made it work. I watched as your mom went inside with a few boxes and then you told your dad you wanted to help, but he wouldn't let you. So, you said..."
"Please dad, I'm strong! I can also take some boxes!"
Jimin's dad bend down and his son's hair, "of course you're strong Chimmy! So how about you take what's yours? Here," he handed him a small bag. "Take this blanket for me to put them in your room. Let me show you where it is." His dad walked away first as little Jimin struggle to follow behind. At the time when his father entered the house Jimin tripped and fell on the floor.
As soon as Yoongi heard him cry, he rushed out of his house and ran towards the crying boy. "Are you okay?"
The boy looked up at the strange pale boy that stood in front of him and began to cry even more while he yelled repeatedly, "I'm not strong! I'm not strong like my mom and dad!"
"No, don't cry. Let me help you." The older boy put both his hands out for the younger boy to take before pulling him back to his feet.
Yoongi looked over as saw a small cut on the boy's knees. "Let's go ask your parents for a band-aid." The boy took his hand as they walked over to the house, not forgetting the bag that was still on the floor.
Once they reached the door, Yoongi knocked twice and waited patiently. Soon enough both of the parents came out of the house with a worry look on their face. They saw the older boy and then looked over their crying son. Their father immediately picked him up, "Chimmy what happen?"
The little boy covered his face in shame as he continues to cry. "I'm not strong! I'm not strong!"
When they knew they weren't going to get any information out of their son, the mother bend down to Yoongi's eye level. "Hey sweetie. Would you mind telling me what happen?
"My name is Min Yoongi and I live next door,' he said while pointing at his house. "I was looking over my house and I saw him trip while carrying this bag." He lifts up the bag and handed it to the mom.
"I was bringing him to you because he got a cut on his leg, and he needs a band-aid." That's when the father noticed his hand was place directly on the wound and his palm had a bit of blood on it.
"Thank you for bringing him in Yoongi, you're such a good kid. Would you like something to drink? How about a yogurt?"
Yoongi agrees and he was welcome inside his home. The dad placed his son on the couch in the living room and told him to wait for him to come back with a band-aid and some alcohol wipes. Yoongi waited next to him as he drank the strawberry yogurt. He watched as the younger cry as he got cleaned up so put his drink the coffee table and went up to him.
"What's your name?"
The boy sniff, "Ji-Jiminie."
"Well, Jiminie, I just wanted to tell you that you're stronger than me."
"Re-really," he hiccupped.
"Yeah! Look," he raised his sleeve up to his elbow and showed the multiple bruises in his arms. "I got all of this yesterday when I was at the waterpark with my mom, and I cried a lot. We ended up leaving early because I wouldn't stop crying. So, you're stronger than me Jiminie!"
Jimin smiled as his tears began to stop. Since then, he let his father clean up his cut without a single whine. Jimin didn't caught on just yet what Yoongi's mom actually did and that those bruises weren't from the waterpark.
"You're so strong Jiminie. You have always been strong!" Yoongi said to the phone, "you were always stronger than me. You helped me put my mother in jail when you found out I was being abused, you helped win my battle against depression, and every conflict I had whether it was for school or work, you always helped me find a solution.
"Ever since that day we would spend all of our summer and after school days at your house playing in your room or in your backyard. You always complain though because you wanted to come to mine but I always denied your request. But it wasn't until you were the age of 12 when we were in middle school, and you asked me why I always wear long sleeves and jackets during the summer, but I always lied and said that I was allergic to the sun. The next day I didn't go to school, and I forgot to text you, so you came over to my house and that's when you found out the truth. You were mad at me for not telling you, but you were even more angry at yourself for not noticing earlier. It took months to persuade me to call the cops but when you finally did you held my hand just as I held yours when you were 5 years old.
"You kept telling me I was strong for going through this alone and then you gave me a tight hug before I left to live with my aunt. Thankfully she lived nearby so I continued going to school with you every morning. I started developing feelings for you that day too. Which is weird because I used to believe I was only supposed to like girls. But you came along and continue being by my side even when everyone viewed me as a loser.
"When you got to high school, you were so happy that you got chosen for the same one I went to. Sadly, though we weren't in the same class since I was three years older. On the first day you came to at lunch and told me all about your new friends Taehyung and Jungkook. I was jealous and scare because I thought you were going to replace me with them."
"Hyung, guess what!" Jimin said as soon as he met up with Yoongi at the cafeteria.
"Did you get chosen for class president?" The younger pouted, "no, we can't vote for them yet until next week. Did you get elected for yours?"
Yoongi laughed, "of course not! I would never apply for that. Namjoon got elected again." Yoongi became friends with Namjoon his freshman year of high school when they got partner up for a project. Yoongi used to think he was just some annoying nerd, but then he found out that they had a lot of things in common, especially when it came to music. They both showed each other their own rap and even perform now and then at underground battles.
"What's up then? Don't tell me you got in trouble already?"
"Shut up hyung. I made two friends!" Yoongi could see why the younger was happy about that. Jimin never made any friends in primary and middle school because he was always the kid that had the perfect grades, held his hand up first when the teacher asked a question, and reminded the teacher about their homework assignments. In some way, Yoongi always found similarities between Jimin and Namjoon. Maybe that's why he befriended him so easily.
"I'm so happy Jiminie. Why don't you invite them over here?"
"Are you sure?" Yoongi wanted to say no and that he doesn't want anyone to come near him, but he kept his mouth shut and just nodded. The younger left back to the lunch line to where two guys were standing with their plate on their hand.
He heard him say to them, "my hyung said you guys can sit with us. Let me grab my lunch and then we can head over there." A couple of minutes later the three of them sat down at the table. Jimin sat next to him while the other two sat in front of them.
"Hyung, this is Jungkook and Taehyung. Guys, this is my best friend, Yoongi." The two of them waved at Yoongi and the elder could tell they felt awkward being around him. Even though he didn't like the fact that he might get replaced he hated the thought of two of Jimin's friend hating him more.
He let out a sigh and said, "you guys can also call me hyung. I have a feeling we're going to be really good friends."
"And its's true. Taehyung and Jungkook became such a close friend of mine." Yoongi said into the phone. "Not going to lie though, I kind of wish Taehyung would've told me that him and Jin hyung were dating. It would help a lot specially when I wanted to confess to you. If it wasn't for me catching them making out during your freshman college party, then I wouldn't have any idea."
Yoongi remembers back to when he was laying on the couch because he wanted to confess to Jimin but then a rumor spread around the school saying that the two popular guys in first year were dating. Yoongi immediately knew they were talking about Jimin and Taehyung.
"Stop pouting and just go confess to him you idiot!" Jin screamed at him. He met Jin hyung on his second year of college when he was introduced by Namjoon.
"Why would I tell him I love him when he's in a relationship with someone he likes?"
"You're so stupid. If he really was dating Taehyung, then you would've been the first to know. Stop being a baby and invite him to tonight's party."
"And embarrass myself? No thanks I'm fine."
Jin grabbed the pillow from underneath Yoongi's head and smacked him on the face. "You make me sick. Get up and get dress. I'll invite Jimin and you have to talk to him about this rumor. I assure that they're not dating."
"UGH! Okay fine. I'll get dress then."
Later at the party Yoongi's eye started looking for a pink hair that belong to the younger. After around fifteen minutes he found him dancing with Taehyung and Jungkook in the middle of the living room where people were laughing and taking videos. Instead of going towards Jimin he decided he needed a couple of shots in his system before he confronted him, so he went to the kitchen instead. That's where Jin and Namjoon were also there taking some tequila shots.
"What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be talking to Jimin by now?" Jin asked, as he handed him a cup and a bottle of alcohol.
"He's dancing so I'll just wait for him to be done."
"Here I'll help. I need to talk to Taehyung either way." Yoongi nodded and turned to Namjoon and saw when Jin elbowed him in the stomach. "Y-yeah and I need to talk to Jungkook. We'll tell Jimin that you're waiting for him here." Then they left.
Yoongi was nervous. He wanted to confess to Jimin so bad because it scares him that someone else might take him away, but he’s also scare about the fact that this might ruin their friendship, and everything is going to become awkward between them.
At least Yoongi knows that Jimin is gay. He found out when they went out to drink for Jimin’s 20th birthday and said, “that bartender was so hot! Why are all the straight guys hot!” He whined. “I just want to meet a nice man but how can I know when I haven’t even had my first kiss? Yoongi, will you kiss me?”
And even though he wanted to kiss so bad, he refused because he doesn’t want to take advantage of him while he’s drunk. And also, because he wants their first kiss to be memorable.
It’s been a few minutes and Jimin was still not here, so Yoongi decided to go look for him. He went back to the living room, but he was no longer there. Instead, he met up with Namjoon and Jungkook talking, but Joon did pointed at the stairs when he caught him staring.
The older nodded and headed to the second floor. He knocked at every door and left when he heard a reply that didn’t belong to Jimin. He looked at every person that was standing in the hallway but none of them were the younger. He finally reached the final door and instead of knocking he opened it because he assumed that’s where Jimin would be at.
Instead, he saw Jin and Taehyung in the bed with the Tae on top of him. “God hyung, I love kissing you so much.”
Jin laughed, “I’m all yours. You can kiss me whenever at any time.”
"Excuse me," Yoongi said interrupting them both. "Do you know where Jimin is at?"
Taehyung quickly rolled over and cover himself with his jacket and Jin sat up on the bed. "He said he was going to meet you in the kitchen."
He leaned against the door and crossed his arms over his chest. "I waited for him but he never showed. Namjoon said to look upstairs."
"Is that why you're here? Why didn't you knock?"
"Because I went through every door but he wasn't there so I figure he might be in the last one since it's the last door. I didn't expect to see you and Taehyung ripping each other's tongues' out."
Taehyung let out a yell in embarrassment. "Go away! Jimin is not here. He was going to meet you, but he got busy talking to some guy name Taemin."
"Who's that?"
"His partner for his dance class. He's so handsome, even I would hit on him if I wasn't dating this hottie."
"How long have you two been dating?"
"5 months-"
"5 MONTHS AND YOU GUYS NEVER BOTHER TO TELL ME! Hyung, you knew that I wanted to ask Jimin out and yet you never told me that you two are dating! Even when I was freaking out about the rumors?"
"What rumors?" Taehyung asked.
"The one where you and Jimin are dating," Jin replied.
Taehyung began to make fake gagging noises. "Eww that's so gross. Jimin is like a brother to me. Plus, we're both bottoms so it would never work out."
"You guys are so annoying I could be dating him by now if you two would have told me the truth since the beginning."
"Well if you don't hurry someone might take him away."
"Where did you say he was?"
"He was going outside with the guy I mention earlier," said Taehyung.
"Okay thanks." Yoongi closed the door and hurried downstairs.
"Oops I forgot to mention that Taemin's boyfriend was also with them."
Jin laugh as he left a trail of kisses on his boyfriend's neck. "I love it when you play dirty."
"Those freaking idiots are going to be the death of me someday." Then Yoongi let out a laugh and his four other friends looked at each other is shocked because that was the first laugh they have heard in 4 months.
"I found you later on at the party and you were alone but when I asked you about Taemin and asked me if I was jealous. And I don't know if it was because of the atmosphere or because I had drunk three shots of tequila, but I told you that I was jealous. You stayed silent and I took that as your response, so I tried to leave but you held me by my waist and told me, "it took you long enough". I wanted to kiss you then too but I didn't want our first kiss to be at some frat party. So, I turned around to face you and I gave you the tightest hug because I was so afraid that I was hallucinating the whole thing."
Yoongi blew his nose with a tissue that was given to him by Jin. "Now that I'm saying this aloud, I just realized that I was scared of a lot of things. I guess I had this gut feeling that if I made one little mistake then you were going to leave. I guess my gut feeling was right. But I don't want to get into that subject now. I want to talk about my favorite day ever and that was when we went to our first date. It was December so I took you to a skating ramp since you said you always wanted to go to one. You surprisingly knew how to skate already, so you helped me every time I fell on my ass. We were there until closing hours so after we got kicked out, we decided to go get some McDonalds. And then the most embarrassing thing happened, my car wouldn't start. It's my fault for buying such an old car in the first place. You found it so funny and kept making fun of me. But as the time went on and it got darker the night grew colder and you started to complain because you had forgotten your jacket. So now it was my turn to make fun of you. At the end we ended up calling Namjoon to pick us up and I let you wear my sweater as we waited. We found Namjoon picking us up so funny because he doesn't even have his license, but he was the only one that was answering their phone at one in the morning. Thankfully, he shared a dorm with Jungkook so he came for us. Even though we were going to die from hypothermia, it was still the best date."
"Jungkook dropped us off at our dorm and even though it wasn't how I planned it, I kissed you. You should have seen how surprised I was when you kissed me back and held me deeper by my neck. The was the best kiss I ever had. Sure, we were each other first kiss and I didn't have anyone else to compare it with, but I knew it was the best kiss in the universe. We dated for four years until your graduation and that's when I asked you to marry me. I couldn't afford an expensive ring with the biggest diamond like you wanted, but you were okay with it. So, I told you that once my career takes off, I will give him the ring that he deserves. You supported me when I became a producer at BigHit Entertainment, and I supported you when you became a pre-school teacher. A year after you became my fiancé, we got married in your hometown, Busan. That's where you lived before you moved Daegu." Yoongi took a deep breath.
"I'm kind of hoping that the ending of this story will be you hearing this voicemail and coming back home to me. But you can't because you're dead. I blame myself every day for the past 4 months. I blame myself for not kissing you more. I blame myself for not hugging you when you needed it the most. I blame myself for not realizing you were hurting. And I specially blame myself for not noticing the pain I was causing you. I don't know how I didn't notice when your smile left your eyes. You were locked up in your sufferings and I didn't know how to help you. You fell apart and I lost you forever. It wasn't your fault Jiminie. You were always so strong! It was mine for not being there with you when you needed it the most."
Yoongi began to sob at this point. He couldn't control his tears from streaming down his face like waterfalls. "Do you want to stop?" Namjoon asked as he reached for the phone, but Yoongi moved it away and shook his head.
"When I got the news that you died from Taehyung, I hated him for a while because how was he still standing right in front of me with no reaction. I fell to my knees the moment I heard they found you on the ground along with an empty bottle and a note with my name on it. But Taehyung showed no emotion as if he had no care in the world that his best friend just left. Then that hatred faded when I saw him cry on the day of your funeral. I read your goodbye letter for the first time when I went back home alone. I wasn't planning on doing it any time soon, but when I sat on the couch, I could immediately smell you and began to cry because it hit me that I won't ever get to smell you in person. And then I cry even more when I realized that in time the couch will forget your smell too."
Hey baby, I don't know when you'll read this but hopefully, I'm not alive when you do. I'm such a coward. I know I shouldn't have given up on this easily when this could only be a small bump on the road, but I couldn't handle it much longer. I couldn't handle the pressure from my job, I couldn't handle the fact that parents never accepted the fact that I was gay, but most importantly I couldn't handle you. I'm not saying that I fell out of love with you. God no! I love you so much Min Yoongi and the past 24 years of love and friendship were the best times of my life. Your life was my life's best part. You showed me love when all I knew was hopelessness. I just couldn't handle the fact of you thinking I was weak. You always told me I was a strong person, but I was far from that. You were the person that made me strong ever since the first day we met, and I couldn't handle that anymore. I only pretended to be strong around you. I was a sinking ship, and I wanted to let go of your hand first before I pulled you under too. Because of you I saw the world beautiful even though in my eyes, it was gray. I'm sorry I had to leave this way even when we always talked about our future with a big house and lots of kids. I just wanted to let you know that I love you and I will continue to love you in my next life. Please don't let my death pull you back from your dreams and it's okay for you to fall in love with someone else. Can you also let the other guys know how much I love them for me please. I love you so much hyung! Goodbye, for now.
Love for eternity,
Jiminie
"I don't know why you will ever think that my heart will ever replace you, but I promise that I will try to get my shit together and continue on with my life. A time will come when I'm old and wrinkly and I will forget about your breathtaking smile and your kind eyes, I will never forget about my first love. You inspired to write beautiful songs, and you will continue being my inspiration because nobody should ever forget about the person that brought me the most joy. I had written hundreds and yet you are the most beautiful musical note in my song. I miss you so much Jiminie. I love you!" Yoongi hung up the phone began to cry uncontrollably.
"Please, if you don't hug me right now, I think I might fall apart." All four boys rushed and began to hug him tightly as they all cry together.
"You did well hyung," said Taehyung as he stroke his hair.
"I-it.. hurts," Yoongi said in between gasps of air.
"I know Yoongi. I promise you this will all pass and you're not going to be hurting as much as you are now." Jin replied, caressing his back.
"You will get strong again Yoongi. It's okay to take your time to recover, we will be here to help each other." Said Namjoon, as he tried to hold in his tears because he wants Yoongi to know that he can depend on him.
"Thank.. you.. guys. Thank.. you for... being.. here with.. m-me."
"We'll always be here," they all said.
Yoongi was Jimin's best part in his life, but Jimin will always be his saddest.
Yoongi finally reached the last stage, acceptance.
- 3 Years Later -
Statistically people might say there's only 5 stages of grief. There's denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But what people don't tell you that you might experience all every single day. In reality, there's a lot more emotions people can go through when they lose a loved one. They can feel confused, anxious, numb, shame, overwhelmed, guilt, hope, etc. People can feel everything, all at once, or even nothing at all. Everyone griefs differently and there's no certain amount of time when it comes to it. They can also go back and forth between stages like anger and depression.
Just imagining about the fact that Yoongi is going to live without Jimin for the rest of his life overwhelms him. Then he comes to realization that he's not imagining it, he's living it. Whenever he faces with reality, he begins to panic, and then he remembers all of does beautiful memories when Jimin and he suddenly feels like he's back at home. He will continue to hold on to those memories because he can't simply let go and also because it's the only light that brightens his dark mind.
It's been three years since Yoongi called Jimin for the last time. Throughout the 1095 days there's been a lot of good days and a few bad ones. It mostly got worst when it was Jimi's birthday and their wedding anniversary. But Yoongi didn't let his bad days ruin the fact that he's doing better. After a long consideration, he decided to stay at the house him and Jimin lived at during the times they were married. Taehyung and Jin ended up adopting a little girl name Kim Chaewon, she's the sweetest little thing. Jungkook started working as an actor. Nothing big so far, he just gets roles now and then but at least that's better than having nothing. Namjoon finally got his driver's license, but he still rides his bike because he still hasn't gotten used to driving his new car that Yoongi gifted him.
There were times when Yoongi was having a hard time at home and all he wanted to do was go home, fill in Jimin about his day but instead he goes to sleep and hopes tomorrow is better. Jimin was only 29 when he died so mourning never became easier. Because not only does he mourn the life they had but also the things they never got to experienced, the things they'll miss out on and the memories they'll never be able to be part of again. Jimin and Yoongi had their whole life ahead of them but now it's force to be their past.
Yoongi was on his way to work but he decided to get some coffee to wake him up since he stayed up all night finishing a new song for rookie girl group. He entered the warm café and was glad to see the line empty. He went up to the cashier and order a cold americano. "One ice americano."
"Anything else?"
"No thank you, that would be all."
The cashier made a pouting sound and curl his lips together. "It's a nice day today and you want to drink something bitter. How about a donut? Here it's on the house." The cashier handed him a white donut white strawberry filling. Yoongi was never a fan of sweet bread, but he still took. Maybe it was because he's a people pleaser, or maybe it's because of the way the cashier was looking at him with a heart smile on his face and sparkly eyes full of hope.
He sat on the table closest to the front door as he waited for his drink. "Here's your order sir." The cashier said as he placed the drink on the table.
"Please don't call me sir. It makes me feel old."
"What should I call you?"
"You can just call me Yoongi. "
The guy laughs, "Okay then, Yoongi-ssi. Thank you for coming in today. If you need anything else, I'll be over there."
"I'm just going to go, I'm a little late for work either way." Yoongi said as he checked his watch as he took a sip of his coffee. "The coffee is great. Thank you."
The rest of the week Yoongi kept going back over there. He doesn't know the reason why since the coffee tastes the same as the other café near his work. Then perhaps it was because he finds the worker extremely attractive and somehow mesmerizing. A week after showing up repeatedly, the worker, whose name he still hasn't asked for, already had his drink and a different donut ready for him. Yoongi started feeling guilty when he realized he might be catching feelings for him, so he stopped going there for a while. He felt like in some way he was cheating on Jimin. He did say on the note that he could fall in love with someone else, but three years is too soon. Sure, it's not like they're going to start dating soon. Heck, he doesn't even know if the barista is also into guys. It took Yoongi ten years to confessed to Jimin and at the age of thirty-five, he didn't want to wait for another ten to pass by. So, two weeks after avoiding him he decided it was time to go back. He came in a whole hour earlier than usual cause he wants to have time to speak with him.
"Good morning- Oh! Yoongi, you're back!" The cashier waves his hand. "I haven't seen you in a long time. Did something happen?"
"No, I just got caught up with work."
"Ahh, I see. Are you having the usual?"
"Yes, and uh.." He took a deep breath. "What's your favorite drink here?"
"Mine?" He scratched the back of his neck nervously. "It'll probably be a vanilla latte."
"Then I'll have an ice americano and a vanilla latte please."
"Ooh trying something new I see. Your order will be up in a few minutes." Yoongi thanked him before going to the same table as always.
A few minute later the cashier shows up with his drinks and another donut. Here's your ice americano and your vanilla latte. Enjoy!"
When the barista was beginning to walk away, he was stopped by the customer. "Do you need something else?"
"The drink is for you," The elder replied while handing him the cold drink.
"For me? Why?"
"Um, do you want to sit down with me for a bit." The cashier looked back and saw there was no one in line, so he agrees.
"I uh just realized I never asked for your name, and you don't have a name tag so..."
"Haha you're right. My name is Hoseok."
"Do you work here as a part timer or..."
"I own this place actually. I first started working here as a part timer but then the owner expanded his other restaurant and told me I could have this one. It's kind of weird since I had just graduated from high school, so I didn't know much about owning a business."
"So, you didn't go to college to learn?"
"Not in person no. I did took some online courses though. May I ask, why are you so interested in my life?"
"Just wanted to make small talk."
"Look here Yoongi-ssi. I'm flatter that you're interested in me, but I don't date married man."
"What do you- oh." Yoongi saw his wedding ring in his finger.
Hoseok stood up front the chair. "I think it'll be best if you don't come by again. I despite people who cheat."
"Wait Hoseok-ssi. You got it all wrong."
He crossed his arms. "You're not married?"
"I am-well I was but not anymore."
"So, you're divorce but still wear your wedding ring. That's even worse."
"Please let me explain."
"Okay, but only because I'm not the time of person who doesn't hear the other side of the story." Hoseok ended up seating back down and took a sip of his latte.
"I was married but um.." This isn't the first time Yoongi brings up Jimin to a total stranger. Somedays when he was feeling lonely and was missing Jimin lots, he would go up to a stranger and talk about him to them. He would tell them how special he was, how they fell in love, and how he lost him. He didn't know why that helped, but it made him feel the tightness in his chest lift bit by bit. Maybe it was the fact that he knew he will never see them again.
This time was different though. This is someone who he knew for a while, so there was a chance of seeing him again and again. He even thought about just giving up and running out of the café and never coming back. "His name was Jimin. He was the love of my life. We were a friends-to-lover you could say. He was the kindness and sweetest person you could ever meet in your live. He was my whole world."
"Where is he now?"
"He passed away three years ago." Hoseok almost spit out his drink from the shock.
"I'm so sorry for your lost. I'm also sorry for assuming you were cheating."
"It's alright. In a way, I feel like I'm cheating on him to you know. It's only been three years since he left, and I feel like I'm moving on too quickly."
"Then maybe it's because you're not ready yet. You were planning on asking me out right?" Yoongi nodded as he felt his cheeks heat up.
"As much as I find you attractive and will immediately agree, how about we just take it slow and get to know each other first as friends. Then once you feel ready, you can ask me out anytime." Yoongi smiled and agreed.
"How about we have a friend date later? What time do you get off work?"
"Around 6 p.m. What about you?"
"I'm the boss. I can leave whenever I want. let's hang out later then. Hold on." Hoseok took out a pen that was hanging from his shirt and wrote down something on a napkin before handing it to Yoongi. "Here's my number. Call me when you get off work so we can plan where to meet. How does that sound?"
"That sounds great! I have to go to work already. I'll call you."
"Bye Yoongi, see you later!"
As Yoongi walked to work, he couldn't help but look up at the sky and smile knowing that Jimin was looking down on him. He touched his ring and whispered, "I love you my sweet Jiminie. Don't ever forget that. We'll meet again someday my sweet angel."