Work Text:
The Constitution of the UHA
Preamble
We, the women of Teyvat, in order to form a more perfect relationship, establish justice, ensure international tranquility, provide for the common good, promote the general welfare, and secure the Blessings of Aether for ourselves and our posterity, do ordain and establish this Constitution of the United Harem of Aether.
Article 1 Legislative Power
The power to make laws resides in the legislative branch, which shall be composed of two bodies. First, the House which shall be composed of delegates from each nation, as determined by the nation's population. The House members shall serve two-year terms before stepping down. Second, the Senate which shall be composed of elected officials from each nation. Every nation shall elect its own two Senators from the harem. Senators will serve six-year terms and then step down for the next representatives.
Legislation shall only pass with a majority approval from both the House and the Senate, as well as the approval of the executive branch. The executive reserves the right to veto the legislation, however the legislative branch may override the veto with a two-thirds majority vote from both houses. The legislative branch may impeach and remove the executive from office with a two-thirds majority vote in both houses.
Article 2 Judicial Power
Judicial power shall reside with judicial nominees nominated by the President for one ten-year term. Each justice shall receive a predetermined compensation for their services. Each justice shall recuse themselves should the case present a conflict of interests. Ultimate judicial authority resides with the Chief Justice Neuvillette, who has the power of judicial review. To qualify as a justice, the individual in question must: have access to the Serenitea Pot and be a nonmember of the UHA.
Jade Seeker, Katheryne, Ushi, and Paimon shall hear low-level cases related to domestic affairs. Meanwhile, national disputes shall be heard by a jury composed of two justices representing each nation. For the first session of the UHA, these justices shall be:
for Mondstadt: Dvalin and Andrius and Ella Musk and Timmie and Duel Saint of Cats Prince;
for Liyue: Moon Carver and Mountain Shaper and Guoba and Uncle Tian and Madame Ping;
for Inazuma: Amenoma Tougo and Neko and grandmaster Hanekado and Hiiragi Chisato and Taroumaru;
for Sumeru: Nahida and Karkata and Dunyarzard and an Aranara appointee and Bongo-head;
And for Fontaine: Sedene and Aeval and Caterpillar and "Painter" DeNiro and Don Quijano.
Each case shall have an equal number of Justices representing each nation. The Justices chosen for any case will vary according to availability. Additionally, Jade Seeker, Neuvillette, Katheryne, or Paimon will vote in the event of a tie. Tubby may nominate judicial appointees, which must be approved by a majority of the Senate. If the Senate fails to hold a hearing for the nominee within three to four working weeks, then the nomination passes without the need for a vote.
Also, please don't accuse Tubby of bias for appointing so many nonhumans as judges; given the many nonhuman members of the Harem, it only seemed fair. As for the children appointees, diversity of perspective seemed beneficial.
Note: Timmie has left the judicial branch since ascending to godhood. Now, he traverses the multiverse as Timmie Lord of Birds/Satan God of Birds. He was replaced by Draff, who retired, and then by Liben. Ella Musk was unanimously impeached for crimes and various misdemeanors. Night Pilot now occupies her seat.
Natlan's Justices were originally the following individuals:
Village Chief Amina of the People of the Springs, Chief of the Scions of the Canopy Wayna, Pacal Chief of the Children of Echoes, and Chuychu. After Chuychu's passing, she was replaced by Mama Coco.
Article 3 Executive Power
All laws passed by the legislative bodies must be approved by the executive power, President Tubby. President Tubby shall have the sole power to admit or deny any other women into the harem, grant executive pardons, as well as the authority to enforce legislation by means of commanding the armed forces. In the event President Tubby is indisposed, executive power shall instead rest with Jade Seeker, then Nahida, then Neko, then Madame Ping, then Neuvillette, then Dual Saint of Cats Prince, and lastly, Paimon.
Only nonmembers of the Harem may run for the executive branch. The executive must be a person who is born in Teyvat, has acquired an age of an equivalent of at least ten human years, and one who has access to the Serenitea Pot. They will have four-year terms, limited to two terms total. Additionally, the president shall select a vice-president, who shall in turn pick the line of succession.
The president may not: accept bribes, pardon him or herself, collude with enemies of the UHA, or tamper with election results.
Article 4 Relations with the Traveler
The right to relationships with the Traveler is bound by the results of the lots drawn the day of this document's ratification. The order is as follows:
1. Noelle
2. Jeht
3. Collei
4. Furina
5. Sucrose
6. Charlotte
7. Amber
8. Mona
9. Yoimiya
10. Navia
11. Faruzan
12. Kirara
13. Jean
14. Beidou
15. Lynette
16. Dehya
17. Ganyu
18. Barbara
19. Xiangling
20. Yanfei
21. Layla
22. Kokomi
23. Yun Jin
24. Rosaria
25. Fischl
26. Candace
27. Hu Tao
28. Chevreuse
29. Shinobu
30. Ningguang
31. Ei
32. Eula
33. Yelan
34. Shenhe
35. Nilou
36. Mirror Maiden
37. Ayaka
38. Keqing
39. Lisa
40. Yae Miko
Additional arrivals to the harem shall be placed at the bottom of this drawing. Officially, the order of this lot will be changed upon one cycle with a new drawing of lots. Tubby will preside over all lot drawings.
This lot shall also determine the order of sexual relations. Any person who attempts to seduce Aether out of turn is banished from the Serenitea Pot and the harem, however, three-ways or other unconventional relationships are permissible so long as both Aether and the person in question consent.
Also, please stop accusing Tubby of rigging the results so the most "wholesome" Harem members would go first. Tubby did not. Nor did Tubby rig the results so the "horniest" Harem members would go last.
Note: this constitution was ratified prior to the inclusion of Xianyun and Chiori in the harem. It was also ratified before the following members were initiated:
- Katarina
- Cryo Cincin Mage
- Arlecchino
- Clorinde
- Emilie
- The women from Natlan
Moreover, when drafting the constitution, the women forgot to include Xinyan and Aloy.
Article 5 Children
Any children produced by the harem belong equally to each member of the harem. Therefore, duties of childcare and rearing shall be mutually shared, thereby dividing the burdens and sharing the joys of parenthood.
Additionally, Tubby is godmother to all children. They shall address her as Auntie Tubby.
Article 6 Lobbying
It's illegal. No exceptions. Looking at you, Ningguang.
Article 7 Aether
All Harem members share equal responsibility in looking after Aether's wellbeing. This includes his mental and physical health, financial wellbeing, his safety in their nation, and his meaningful love life. The end goal of this Harem must therefore be ensuring Aether's happiness above any selfish pursuits.
Article 8 Decency
No flirting or nasty business when one of the kids is in the Teapot. Moreover, Harem members shall not bring children into the teapot with the intent of thwarting another member's relationships with Aether.
Article 9 Dates
Each member shall have a date spanning the length of 24 hours with Aether according to the order of their lots. Their date shall not be impeded or interfered by any other. Should Aether be occupied on the day of said date, the date shall be postponed for a later day. Every person must have their turn.
Article 10 Consent
Aether must give his explicit consent for any sexual encounter. Additionally, the consent is invalid if Aether is: 1. Intoxicated or inebriated 2. Asleep 3. Sickly 4. Too exhausted to refuse. Additional consent must be given for unconventional sexual interactions.
Bill of Rights
Amendment 1
Every member of the Harem shall have freedom of religion, free speech, press, assembly, and petition. So Ei, don't impugn on the people of Watatsumi for worshipping Orobashi. And Shenhe, don't threaten Charlotte for writing unflattering articles. Actually, don't threaten anyone if possible.
Amendment 2
No weapons in the Serenitea Pot. All weapons brought into the Teapot must be left with Tubby. Please follow this rule, for Archon's sake, Tubby cannot be constantly rebuilding the Teapot whenever you horndog maniacs break something.
Amendment 3
Please don't quarter soldiers in the Serenitea Pot. Intimidation of other suitors will not be tolerated.
Amendment 4
Harem members may not bribe justices with luxury cruises, lavish vacations, or any other gifts. Seriously, do we have to spell that out?
Amendment 5
No walking around the Serenitea Pot in the nude to attract Aether. You'd think we wouldn't need an amendment for this, but no. Apparently, this must be written down into law. You all disappoint Tubby.
Amendment 6
Unless he gives consent, no peeping on Aether in the hot springs or the shower. Let's have some self-control, ladies.
Amendment 7
The length of a typical date is 24-hours in Teyvat's time. No harem member shall take Aether on a date in a time-dilated area where a day out here is 500 years in the area. It was a clever loophole, but it violates the spirit of the law.
Amendment 8
Dehya, Eula, and Beidou may not have a four-way with Aether as their predisposition towards alcohol may lead to fields of dubious consent.
Xiangling, Navia, and Noelle may not have a four-way with Aether as they leave a mess with their "food play." Tubby finds the waste of perfectly good food deplorable.
Amendment 9
On the Traveler's birthday, the order determined by lots shall be briefly suspended. Everyone shall celebrate the occasion in the Serenitea Pot with Aether.
Amendment 10
If Aether opts to spend a UHA member's birthday with them or their children, then the individual who would have had their turn on said day will receive their date on the next available day.
Amendment 11
Aether does not bear the burden of child support. UHA members shall pool resources, when necessary, to support any children.
Amendment 12
Ying'er is banned from the judicial branch for "unsavory innuendoes," hinting at "intention to seduce the Traveler."
Amendment 13
No nation shall conquer another nation with the intention of bringing both nations under one rule, thus solidifying the nation's control of the UHA. Ei and Ningguang insist they never intended this and only said this in jest, but it is no jest.
Amendment 14
Shenhe and Ei may not have a three-way with Aether, as their combined strength threatens to destroy the Serenitea Pot if fueled by hormonal lust. Plus, they could break him.
Amendment 15
Neko, TCG Legend Prince, and Don Quijano will not preside over a case with Taromaru. A personal disagreement with the canine perspective leads to an inability to serve on a single panel together. Additionally, they and Taromaru will not preside over a case involving catlike Harem members like Kiara and Lynnette.
Amendment 16
Guoba will not preside over a case involving Xiangling.
Amendment 17
Neuvillette shall not preside over a case involving Furina.
Amendment 18
Madame Ping will not preside over a case involving Xiangling, Yanfei, or any of her other students.
Amendment 19
Dunyarzard will not preside over a case involving Dehya.
Amendment 20
Moon Carver and Mountain Shaper will not preside over a case involving Shenhe or Ganyu, as Cloud Retainer has undue influence over their judgment.
Amendment 21
Windblume, Lantern Rite, Irodori Festival, Interdarshan Championship, and the Furina Film Festival are all federal holidays. Dates shall resume post-festival.
Amendment 22
We probably should’ve added this in the original articles, but we didn’t because we didn’t think it had to be said. No slipping Aether aphrodisiacs. This applies to Lisa and Sucrose. Aether may be given aphrodisiacs only with his consent.
Amendment 23
Please, for the love of Celestia,no putting Aether in any weird sex machines. Additionally, no one outside of the UHA may have relationships with Aether. And yes, both these provisions were made because of Xianyun.
Amendment 24
No bribing the judges with luxury designer clothes. Chiori.
Amendment 25
The UHA formally apologizes for failing to recognize Xinyan and Aloy as UHA members. Amber explains, "We kind of just…forgot about you two. Sorry."
Amendment 26
Yae Miko, Lisa, Yelan, and Mirror Maiden may not have a five-way with Aether.They leave him far too drained for the next person. That, and Aether has complained about the cuffs and ropes hurting his wrists/ankles/neck/privates. On that note, these five are banned from: pegging, BDSM, and excessive orgasm denial.
Revision to Amendment passed after Miko's Date:
From now on, Yae Miko can engage in BDSM, pegging, and excessive orgasm denial so long as she has explicit consent from the partner. The only caveat is that she cannot tease her partner and get them into an aroused state that will make them entirely susceptible to her proposals. Consent must be given prior to sexual activity.
Amendment 27
Reckless Pallad can't serve on the court. He's stupid and we hate him.
Amendment 28
No, Yelan, you may not interrogate Lynette or Katarina for telling their "Father" about their relationship with Aether. They have a right to communicate with family, so long as they don't manipulate the UHA from the inside out. Additionally, trials for potential treason will be held by the courts, not vigilante justice.
Amendment 29
The Yae Miko Amendment. There will be no hazing initiation rituals that involve the practices of BDSM, humiliation, pegging, excessive orgasm denial, basically no cruel and unusual punishment. This includes members transforming into animals during intercourse.
Tubby just…doesn't know what to say anymore. Yae Miko, you are an actual menace to society.
Amendment 30
Okay, I don't know who started this, but please for the love of Barbatos, stop making jokes about certain UHA members hooking up with monsters. No, Eula Lawrence hasnothad relations with a lawlichurl! Can we please stop this baseless slander?!
PS: Thank you to Vergil from Devil May Cry for preserving Klee's innocence. We consider you an honorary justice of the UHA. That being said, we do not endorse your reckless child support evasion.
Additionally, Klee is banned from the internet. Whenever the internet is invented in Teyvat.
Amendment 31
As much as we love Vergil, we must ask him to stay in his own universe. A non-Genshin character in a Genshin fanfiction is going to be confusing.
Tubby would like it noted that she demanded the UHA add a provision for Aloy. They forgot her.
Amendment 32
The UHA does not assume responsibility for forgetting Aloy. It's not like Hoyoverse remembers her either.
Tubby wants it written down that she tried to veto this amendment but was overruled. Sorry, Aloy.
Amendment 33
No, Arlecchino, you may not enlist Klee into the House of the Hearth.
Additional list of people Arlecchino may not adopt and enlist: Amber, Bennett, Beidou, Collei, Dilluc, Hu Tao, Kaeya, Navia, Ningguang, Razor, Rosaria, Kaveh, Kokomi, Itto, any UHA judges.
Amendment 34
Ningguang asked Aether about the economies of other worlds he has visited. What he told her disturbed her so much that she proposed this amendment. The UHA will keep Dori away from Crypto Currency and NFTs if either of those ever becomes a thing in Teyvat. Should we fail, then the UHA will at least keep Dori, with her knowledge of NFTs and Crypto, AWAY from Kaveh and Itto.
Additionally, Snezhaya needs representation on the courts. Therefore, Tubby nominates the following individuals: Viktor and Nadia (The one from Liyue) and Vlad and Lyudmila. Whenever a nation has at least three members in the UHA, they will automatically receive their justices on the courts who shall assume the bench on the following term.
Amendment 35
It has come to Tubby's attention that Yae Miko has found solid evidence that Tubby rigged the lots drawing so she would get Aether last. Tubby does not apologize. Yae Miko is a menace. But from now on, the UHA Congress shall appoint someone neutral to perform the lot drawing. This person shall be Aether himself, as he loves everyone equally.
Amendment 36
Political parties are banned. We do not need Yae Miko forming a "Nymphomaniac Party" in opposition to Noelle's hypothetical "Wholesome Party."
Amendment 37
No member of the UHA is allowed to pull the 'You're a Fatui Harbinger' card on the Fatui Harbinger members as a means of defamation or insult. They are also valid members of the UHA just as much as you are. While I do understand everyone's animosities towards the Fatui, I still can't believe that this has to be said.
Amendment 38
Aether's seed must not be squandered via self-stimulation. Members of the UHA will assist him in climaxing.
Tubby would like it written down that she vetoed this amendment. Unfortunately, the House and Senate overruled her veto unanimously in both houses. Tubby is so sorry, Aether.
Amendment 39
We probably shouldn't let kids hear court cases about sex. Sorry, Timmie.
Amendment 40
The UHA has agreed to adopt Timmie Lord of the Birds. We will teach him right from wrong.
Amendment 41
Mona will use her astrology to predict the consequences of giving any judge a retirement bonus. Pending the divination's results, we may withhold the bonus.
Amendment 42
The Second Yae Miko Amendment: Yae Miko can't propose or draft legislation. Ever. Also, the president can't appoint kids to the judge's bench.
Revision to Amendment passed after Miko's Date:
Yae Miko may once again draft legislation that does not pertain to sexual activity.
Amendment 43
The UHA will assist Jean with her duties so that she can have her date. Ganyu, Keqing, and Ningguang will attend to her financial duties (i.e. preparation of income statements and balance sheets). Ei, Shenhe, Dehya, Beidou, Jeht, and Mirror Maiden shall handle her combat-related duties. Ayaka and Kokomi shall handle administerial obligations. Yelan and Rosaria will manage espionage duties while Candace, Chevreuse, Noelle, Chlorinde, and Eula patrol the streets. Yanfei and Shinobu shall manage any legal disputes that arise in Mondstadt. Should Mondstadt cats go missing, both Lynette and Kirara will be on call. Also, Arlecchino and Yae Miko will keep the Fatui in line. Meanwhile, Lisa Minci shall be the acting grandmaster for the day.
If there's anything else we forgot, we'll address it as needed. Also, the UHA will consider hiring assistants for Jean.
Amendment to Proposal: Someone has to babysit/control the pyromaniac Klee. We nominate: Yoimiya and Navia. Also, Arlecchino volunteered for this duty explaining she'd rather have a lobotomy than spend a whole day alone with Yae Miko. Katarina, Cryo Cincin Mage, and Xianyun shall take her place managing the Fatui.
Tubby approves this amendment. Hopefully now, Jean can enjoy her time off.
Amendment 44
The UHA will fund 70% of Aether's contraceptive purchases
Amendment 45
Tubby's ledger, with confidential details about each UHA member, ought to be kept in a more secure place. Furthermore, confiscation or unadvised peeking into the journal will be punished with sentencing delivered by a jury.
(Ratified after Arlecchino's Birthday)
Amendment 46
Xinyan has always been a member of the UHA, and we shouldn't have neglected her. From now on, she will be on the UHA list.
(Ratified after Xinyan's Date)
Amendment 47
The videotape of Aether's concert shall not be shown to individuals outside of the UHA. Additionally, Aether will not do boyband concerts for women outside the UHA.
This amendment was expanded to acknowledge that UBA members and Sara could watch the tape.
(Ratified after Xinyan's Date)
Amendment 48
Yae Miko will provide sex education in scheduled classes. Her curriculum will educate UHA members on various acts of sexual recreation, and she will be compensated monetarily for her contributions.
(Ratified during Sex-Ed with Yae Miko)
Amendment 49
Aether should consult with at least two UHA members before drastically changing his appearance.
(Ratified after Aether's New Look)
Amendment 50
Ei is banned from Xiangling's cooking classes and from cooking any sort of food.
(Ratified after That Time We Accidentally Destroyed the Realm Within)
Amendment 51
Furina's birthday is a national holiday that will be known as Head Pats for Furina Day. UHA members shall give Furina head pats in recognition of her selfless service to Fontaine. Furthermore, Senator Furina is a "Celestia-Damned Queen who we will love and protect."
(Ratified after One Recollects Ganyu and Shenhe as Children)
Amendment 52
The UHA will pay Xianyun to teach two classes a week on infant care
(Ratified after One Recollects Ganyu and Shenhe as Children)
Amendment 53
Once a month, the UHA will have a Compliments Day. One UHA person, selected randomly from a hat, shall receive compliments from every member of the UHA.
(Ratified after Hot Springs Talk)
Amendment 54 Protect the Child
We want to adopt Kachina. She's cute, she's sweet, and she must be protected.
In the event adoption is not an option, we'd like to approach her parents to discuss the possibility of becoming her godparents. Moreover, we will dote on her every single day without fail. To that end, every member of the UHA will be legally obligated to give her head pats.
(Ratified after New Friends)
Amendment 55
The order determined by lots also affects the order in which UHA members shall have "wet dreams" in the dreamscape with Aether. The same rules apply to regular dates as to dream dates.
The Date Order Enforcement Committee shall enforce the rules.
Amendment 56
Two days of the week shall be set aside for "guy-time" wherein Aether shall partake in manly activities with his male friends and Sara. These days shall be negotiated by the lawyers of the UHA and UBA.
Amendment 57
On the Traveler's birthday, the order determined by lots shall be briefly suspended. Everyone shall celebrate the occasion in the Serenitea Pot with Aether. The UBA shall form a joint commission with the UHA to plan out the details of his birthday so our plans do not conflict. The committee shall comprise two members per nation, one UHA and one UBA.
Amendment 58
The UBA and UHA will collaborate to prevent conflict. Above all, we must ensure our groups never go to war.
Amendment 59
For his part in causing the Chibi Outbreak incident, Ajaw is sentenced to 1-hour Teyvat's time in the time-dilated Plane of Euthymia which comes out to 500 years in the Plane. During his time in isolation, Ajaw will undergo anger management classes. Should he demonstrate sufficient remorse in one hour, his sentence will be shortened.
For his surly behavior in the face of the court, he is also sentenced to a year's worth of mandatory dog discipline training at the community center, 10 years of community service, and 5 minutes in a locked room with Yae Miko.
As part of his service, he shall play a villain's role in Little One's Gojira series without any form of monetary compensation. This includes promotion and merchandising revenues, which shall go to Xavier Productions and Little One. Should he refuse or misbehave, he will immediately be brought to the vet to be spade and neutered.
Amendment 60
Traveler TCG tournaments shall be held exclusively within the Serenitea Pot basement behind a locked door. We do NOT want Klee or Kachina to see the more… ahem, risqué cards. To that end, all R34 variant cards will not be allowed in nontournament settings.
This Amendment was revised due to the popularity of the R34 Tentacle-trapped Aether booster packs. All R34 cards and shirtless cards must be enchanted so that only members of the UHA can see the illustrations. If such cards are thoroughly enchanted and no children are present, they can be used in casual-play.
Amendment 61
When necessary, the UHA may declare war on individuals who threaten Aether's happiness and well-being by two-thirds majority votes in both the House and the Senate. Additionally, the UHA can, when necessary, stuff a box of chocolates exactly thirteen inches into the rectum of a party of conflict and inflict them with fennecaphobia, pyrophobia, hydrophobia, aquaphobia, electrophobia, emetophobia, cryophobia, anemophobia, basophobia, mysophobia, gynophobia, acrophobia, lepidopterophobia, theophobia, ailurophobia, agoraphobia, nyctophobia, and sphenisciphobia related to both nuns and penguins.
Amendment 62
In times of duress, persons outside the UHA may be recognized as provisional members of the organization, wherein they can skip Tubby's interview, introductions with the UHA Congress, and all other formalities. Such persons may engage in relationships with Aether related to philematology and basic intercourse for one night. To be recognized as such, the person must be nominated by Aether and approved by the House and Senate leaders.
Amendment 63
From now on, all cat people are banned from Chiori's Serenitea Pot workshop. Diona choked on yarn and had to be Heimlich maneuvered, and the veterinarian costs were absurd. This ban does not apply to cat-cosplay girls like Keqing and Dehya.
Amendment 64
The members of the UHA and President Tubby wish to issue a collective "**** you" to the following persons: Reckless Pallad, Azar, Masseira, Dottore, Vacher, Oceanid, Ruin Serpent, Golden Wolflord, Setekh Wenut, Tenebrous Papilla, the Domains for never giving us the right artifact stats and substats, the corporations for refusing to sign a contract promising not to use voice actors' work to train AI, Hoyoverse for putting Saurian babies in the Spiral Abyss, and Ella Musk. Big old **** you to Ella Musk.
Amendment 65
Cloud Retainer/Xianyun must not show people baby pictures of Ganyu or Shenhe. Moreover, she must limit all discussions of their childhood to ten minutes a day in the Serenitea Pot.
Amendment 66
According to the Genshin Impact Fanon Wiki, Gru from Despicable Me is now a canonical playable character in Genshin Impact. He is listed as the Archon of Crime, is an Electro character who can switch to Cryo, and uses the Fart Gun and Freeze Ray for his attacks.
The wiki states:
According to some, Gru has a true form that only very few have seen. However, there are texts indicating that Gru's true form roamed around the earth before taking the shape he is today. His body was filled with thick, juicy, captivating muscles, from his eyebrows to his toes. His hair was silky and a shade of divine gold, said to rival a lion's mane and the most beautiful maiden's locks. He wore a long, white toga made out of the silk that only those in Celestia wear, wore no shoes, and was said to float around in an angelic manner.
Credit to Fanon Editor Rinssyume
We just think this is hilarious and worth pointing out. That is all for Amendment 66.
https://genshin-impact-fanon.fandom.com/wiki/Gru#:~:text=Gru%20is%20a%20tall%2C%20bald,in%20size%20to%20his%20body.
Amendment 67
Xiangling may not cook Little One or any other baby Saurians.
Amendment 68
Sucrose's experiments will be restricted to a lab that has been personally set aside for her. Additional safety measures will be utilized to contain chemicals that may react adversely with Adeptal Energy.
Amendment 69
Uno is banned from the Serenitea Pot.