Work Text:
“What are you doing?”
“Petal, I’m studying.”
“You’re watching Star Wars at times three speed in one screen with Idiocracy playing on the other at two times slower, what are you studying?”
“I’m studying Ter-human culture and so I’m looking at your history.”
“Dude, how is watching Star Wars at times three speed gonna do jack and dick?”
“All art is political, petal, I’m absorbing knowledge.”
“Do you even know what’s going on? You’re zipping through the Ewoks.”
“Please petal, I am an Affini, this is nothing, I can absorb information like a super highway on a series of tubes.”
“Yeah? What’d you think about the whole “Luke, I am your father” reveal with Darth Vadar?”
“Holy shit, Vadar is Luke’s dad?!”
“Dude! You haven’t even been absorbing the most basic shit, come on, bro.”
“Alright fine, you got me, petal, maybe I missed some details.”
“That’s a major fucking detail!”
“Alright fiiiiiiiiiiiiine, yeesh, get off my back.”
“Do you still have the doritos growing out of the spine?”
“Oh yeah, absolutely.”
“Then nah, I’m getting in on the munchie meal that is your back.”
“Petal! We’re getting off topic, the topic being that I am studying human culture via media. Like, right now? I’m waffling down the gullet of consumerist slop and I’m making some shocking discoveries.”
“Alright, lay it on me.”
“Terrans love repetition, that’s why you’re so easy to clicker train. Like, it starts with movies and then suddenly you have a girl asking you to call her all manner of slurs and barking on command.”
“First off, do not call me a “Terran”, what the fuck, it’s “human”, and secondly, just because I’m a pathetic pitiful pitfucking puppygirl does not mean I am easily clicker trained.”
“If I snap my fingers you bark and then cum.”
“That’s a kink thing!”
“Yeah, it’s a kink thing, like how my kink is seeing you bent over backwards until your spine looks like a bendy straw from me jackhammering my hips onto your pathetic prissy sissy itty bitty clitty like my own private piece of floppy dildo, petal.”
“Okay…whoa…that was hot…”
“Anyway, petal, the thing is, humans love repetition and references, that’s why you all jumped on the whole “AI” thing so easily, creating slop of your favorite slop? Your species was like your common ancestors.”
“Monkeys?”
“What? Monkeys? Petal no, that’s a horrible artifact of human racism to compare people to monkeys, your common ancestry is with pigs.”
“Okay I need to hear the explanation for this.”
“You ever noticed that humans taste like pig?”
“Are you trying to get me to admit to the roadkill thing? Because that floret was like a deer, she would have had a venison taste, like, can you imagine if they made a deergirl taste like pork? Come the fuck on, you gotta commit to the bit.”
“Petal you absolutely would have eaten that floret.”
“I would have done the environmentally friendly thing. Now, what’s this pig thing.”
“Oh right, so humans taste like sweet pork, which suggests to me that humans share a genetic ancestry with pigs. Considering that both pigs and humans are creatures that can be omnivores and also have a habit of being gentle and sweet in captivity but growing wild and hairy out when they’re feral, I mean, they call them feral boars, like, petal, it’s right there. Feralists are the boars of humanity.”
“They are pretty fucking boring.”
“Right! They’re like boars, they even lose all their hair when they get domesticated, the analogy holds up! Plus, I went to the same Golden Corral you did, petal, there’s no way you didn’t see the same trough style feeding I did.”
“I dunno’ about you man, the only thing this bad gal goes slopping down on is when she’s part of the pussy patrol and baby am I parched for some proper plant boy pussy.”
“Okay, that can come later, but just as your tastes for food are sloplike, humans love it when their content is a constant stream of sludge that blends together and constantly references itself. Why do you think they were making MCU movies up until the Fall of the Accord?”
“I stopped watching after Avengers: Runner Up.”
“Really, petal, it took you that long? I got bored with Age of Ultron.”
“Bruh, you’re retro, hipster plant lookin’ ass.”
“Point is, humans are like pigs and their media reflects this petal. You love references, you love constantly building off of the same few crucial works, and you love interconnected franchises.”
“Where’d you get this from?”
“I was reading a paper from Svalbard.”
“Oh chuck that shit out, bro, I got kicked out of there one time for pissing on a copy of someone’s tax forms.”
“Why didn’t you use the bathroom, petal?”
“When you gotta go, you gotta go. Here, take what I was reading, some book about how Independence is Easy.”
“Petal? Are you reading some feralist nonsense? Are you going to start saying No Gods No Masters next?”
“Nah, I figured I’d get the gamut before I followed it up with that Human Domestication Guide you gave me for X-Mas.”
“The X-Man holiday, right?”
“No, the Coca-Cola themed one.”
“Speaking of coke, you got some of that Sweet Poppy opium?”
“Oh yeah, this shit will have you runnin’ around like you’re playing Cat and Mouse.”
“Thanks petal, I guess I need something to balance me out, this media research thing put me in a tizzy, like a space station making an Irregular Orbit.”
“How would that even work, isn’t there like No South in Space or something?”
“I dunno, I don’t build space stations, petal.”
“Yeah those things are made out of like Cellulose and Steel.”
“That’s a bit reductive petal, y’know, much like your dick.”
“I’ll have you know that this dick is rated as primo supreme in One Analyst’s Opinion, that being me.”
“Petal, you could get Five Lives worth of puberty and that dick would still be small.”
“Ouch, that hurts, I’m gonna go take a piss.”
“Alright petal, go relieve yourself before you become a little piss pinata.”
“A pissata, if you will.”
“Petal you say that one more time and I’m sticking you outside and the only place you’ll piss is going to be off the balcony like setting up a Golden Ladder.”