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Tadashi remembered it very clearly, the day the news broke out that Kazuyo-san had passed away. It was a chilly winter morning, a Saturday morning after a late night of playing video games at Hinata's. His mom had patted him gently on the back and he pried his eyes open blearily, wincing at the sudden brightness. His mom delivered the news carefully, and Tadashi felt his blood going cold despite being in the warmth of his blanket. Kazuyo-san had always been nice to them, always teaching them volleyball, always getting them snacks when they hung out at Kageyama's. Tadashi even visited him a few times in the hospital when he fell sick, and he could tell that Kazuyo-san appreciated the fruit basket he brought even though he couldn't enjoy it himself. It was apparent that Kazuyo-san had been doing worse day by day, but this didn't soften the blow of the bad news.
"We'll go attend the funeral later today, okay?" his mom said, and Tadashi nodded numbly. He picked up his phone and found several messages bombarding his inbox.
Life is a circus (and we’re the clowns)
tangerine: yamayama
tangerine: i heard what happened
tangerine: are you okay
tangerine: yamayama
tangerine: yamaaaaa
tangerine: are you thereeeee
saltshaker: please shut the fuck up, it's 7am in the morning
tangerine: stop being so mean, it's only 7am in the morning
saltshaker: please KINDLY shut the fuck up
tangerine: show some compassion meany-shima
saltshaker: i can do that without yelling until you wake up the whole neighbourhood
...
saltshaker: you just fell off your bed, didn't you
tangerine: omg you absolute pervert, when did you hide cameras in my room
saltshaker: i don't have to, dumbfuck. i can see directly into your room
saltshaker: omg you did not just do that
saltshaker: did you seriously just throw a blanket over your head
saltshaker: just because you can't see me doesn't mean i can't see you
saltshaker: the last braincell you had abandoned your stupid ass
freckles: guys please
freckles: it's 7am in the morning
freckles: and tobio, please text us back when you see this. we're worried about you.
saltshaker: are we really though?
angel: kei!!!
angel: ignore him tobio
angel: we’ll see u at the funeral, kay?
When Tadashi and his mom arrived at the funeral hall, Tsukishima and Hinata and their family were already there. His mom gave him a soft pat on the shoulder before joining the quiet conversation of the adults, and Tadashi shuffled over to his friends. “Hey.” He said, throwing his hand up for a wave. Hinata immediately latched onto Tadashi and hooked their arms together, while Tsukishima returned a tight-lipped smile. “Where’s Hitoka?”
“She should be here soon. She had to wait for her mom to get home from work.”
“Ah.”
Silence fell between them. It wasn’t uncomfortable, per se, but Tadashi could tell his friends didn’t know how to act; it was their first funeral afterall. Even Hinata and Tsukishima had stopped their constant bickering. Tadashi cleared his throat, “So how’s Tobio?”
“I haven’t talked to him yet.” Hinata said, pointing towards the adjacent room. Tadashi could vaguely see the outline of his friend, dressed in all black and his jet black hair tamed. “Okaasan said not to bother him. As if Yamayama would be bothered by us.”
“I think it just meant that he would probably be preoccupied by all this, Shou.” Tadashi sighed, forcing down the smile on his face as he caught the infamous eye roll from Tsukishima. Hinata spoke up again after a beat of silence. “You know, I think this is only my fourth time seeing Yamayama’s parents.”
“Same.” Tadashi hummed distractedly, glancing over at the grieving family’s direction. Next to Kageyama stood his dad; Tadashi now understood where the perpetual frown on his friend’s face came from. Kageyama and his dad looked strikingly alike, with their deep blue eyes and sharp jawline. The only difference is the slightly greying hair and the pair of frameless glasses on the older’s face. Kageyama’s mom stood on the other side of his dad, eyes seemingly softer than Tadashi could remember. Or it’s from all the stress and grief, Tadashi remarked silently. Kageyama and his sister didn’t look all that much better, both with seemingly lifeless eyes and pale faces. Tadashi knitted his brows together in concern when he noticed his friend’s dark eyebags and crusty lips.
“Hitoka’s here.” Tsukishima suddenly stated, and Tadashi craned his head to greet his friend. Yachi looked positively out of breath. “Oh, this is just horrible, isn’t it?” She exclaimed, tears forming in her already red-rimmed eyes. Tadashi could only rub her back for consolation.
The ceremony itself was a blur to Tadashi. He remembered, through his own watering eyes, seeing Yachi and Hinata crying in their seats when Miwa-neesan delivered her speech, and found even Tsukishima sniffling once or twice. The funeral ended a few minutes early, as Kageyama didn’t give his speech as expected, and people filed out of the funeral hall, some staying behind to give their condolences. Tadashi was listening to Hinata yap about his current food cravings when he heard a particularly loud and direct comment that caught his attention.
“See, this is why I said Kageyama’s a total robot. He didn’t shed a single tear during the whole funeral.”
Tadashi frowned; he recognised the two people talking by the corner. They were mean kids from the neighbourhood. Tadashi did not like them at all.
“Right, I thought that even someone as emotionally incapacitated as he is would show he’s at least human. He didn’t even go up and say something nice about his grandfather.”
“I heard his grandfather was the one who took care of him since he was young, and this is what he repaid him with? Funny.”
“Hey!” Tadashi wanted to set those bastards straight, but Hinata beat him to it. “Don’t say that about Yamayama!”
“If you have no-nothing nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” Yachi stuttered from behind, voice wavering, but Tadashi could see out of the corner of his eye that the girl was glaring at them rather fiercely.
“What’s it to you?” One of them scoffed. “We were only stating the truth.”
“You know nothing about him!” Hinata yelled hotly. “He might be mean sometimes, maybe not like the Tsukki kind of mean, but-”
“Don’t call me that.”
“But he loved Kazuyo-san a lot, and you’re dumb to not see that!”
“What did you just call us?” The other bully narrowed his eyes and stepped forward, stabbing a finger into Hinata’s chest as he flinched at the touch. “He called you dumb, assholes. Are you deaf or do you need me to repeat myself?” A voice called out from behind Tadashi, which he instantly recognised as his tall best friend’s voice, eerily calm with similarly icy eyes as if waiting to pounce on its prey. The other boys took a step back from the sheer height of Tsukishima.
“Maybe you wouldn’t make such a fool of yourselves if you actually saw the truth for yourselves. You want to know why he didn’t cry during the funeral? It’s because he already bawled his eyes dry for the few days it took to prepare for this funeral. He’s barely drunk water or eaten anything, let alone sleeping, in the past 24 hours. He’s probably dehydrated and exhausted, too tired to even cry. If you know Tobio as a person, which you clearly don’t, because we all know you have only interacted with him exactly twice since he moved here 7 years ago, you would know how stupidly prideful he is. In case you idiots don’t understand what that meant, it means that Tobio hates people seeing him in his worst. Just because he doesn’t display the emotions you expected him to doesn’t mean he’s emotionally incapicitated. I’m surprised you guys even know what this word meant, given how much of a dumbass you have proven yourselves to be.”
Their cheeks had grown bright red and they looked ready to combust, and one of them opened his mouth to retort, but Tsukishima wasn’t finished.
“If I ever catch you badmouthing Tobio again, trust that you will go home with at least a bruised lip; I have a black belt in Taekwondo. Consider yourselves lucky that so many adults are around tonight.”
Tsukishima snipped coolly, walking away swiftly. Yachi gave them one last look filled with daggers and followed the tall blond. Hinata stuck out a tongue childishly, and Tadashi managed to reign him back before another argument broke out. The green-haired teen suppressed a grin as he trailed his friends, leaving the funeral hall. Angry Tsukki means Monologue Tsukki, and Monologue Tsukki is the best.
-%%%%%%-
“Mom! I’m going to Tobio’s!”
“Be nice to him!” Tadashi’s mom chided from the kitchen, worried that the younger boy was going to crumble under the annoyance of his friends.
“Yeah, yeah!” Tadashi called back, albeit half-heartedly. Not bothering to wear his shoes properly, he dashed out the door and turned onto the familiar street by the corner next to his house. He pushed open the worn-down blue gate on the right and the front door, letting himself in like he lived there. “Tobio, I’m here!” Toeing off his shoes, he yelled to no one in particular. Judging by the number of pairs of shoes by the genkan, he knew he’s the last one there.
“Hey guys!” He smiled brightly as he pushed open the familiar bedroom door. Tsukishima, who mumbled a small “hi”, was seated on the floor with his back against the wall far away from everyone else, flipping through a One Piece manga with interest. Yachi was helping Kageyama set up the projector, and Hinata was hanging off the bed with his head upside down, attempting to drink his apple juice through a straw. “Tadashi, you’re late!”
“I’ll be the first one to laugh at you when you choke at your juice.” The tall blond commented, immediately and effectively riling Hinata up.
“Hey! I’m not gonna ch- AGH! Juice went up my nose!” Hinata yowled, tears welling up from the pain. Despite his own misery, he threw a pillow at Tsukishima, and it hit him square in the face. Glasses skewed, he stood up, fuming, as he lunged towards the bed. The ginger rolled off the bed with quick reflexes, unfortunately slamming directly into Kageyama. “Boke! You almost broke my computer!” The raven growled, pushing Hinata back with equal force.
Tadashi’s grin widened; he missed this chaos. “The game’s starting soon!” Yachi’s soft voice transcended into the mayhem, and only then the boys released each other from their grasps.
“Remind me again, when did I agree to all of you coming to mess up my perfectly tidy room?” Kageyama grumbled as he leaned against the bed next to Tadashi.
“You didn’t; we just decided to come!” Hinata announced nonchalantly.
“The shrimp missed you too much and is scared that you will forget about him.” Tsukishima smirked.
“Oi! That was you, you liar! You just don't want Yamayama to know how fucking whipped-”
“Am not! Shut up, right fucking now!”
“Boys!” Yachi scolded lightly. “Focus on the game! It’s not a recording, we can’t back-track to watch it again.” As if on cue, the whistle was blown, signalling the start of the game, and the group of friends turned their rapt attention towards the live recording of Schweiden Adlers vs Black Jackals. Silence filled the room other than the occasional commentary and the sound of the volleyball being spiked. However, Tadashi noticed Kageyama hadn’t said a single word since the game had started, brows furrowing as blue eyes concentrated on the game projected on the wall. That’s weird, Tadashi thought to himself, usually Tobio had most things to say.
As the first set ended with the Adler’s temporary victory, Kageyama stood up. “I’m getting snacks from the kitchen. Anyone one want anything?”
They yelled out a couple, and Tadashi moved to stand up as well. “I’ll help!” He slipped past Kageyama towards the door, leaving no room for argument. The two boys walked downstairs, and Kageyama moved around the kitchen, collecting all the desired snacks, while Tadashi stood around staring at his friend. It was when Kageyama was pouring milk into a cup that Tadashi decided to break the silence. “Hey, you doing okay?”
The younger boy froze, his hand coming to a halt. He coughed awkwardly, putting down the carton of milk. “Why wouldn’t I be?” He managed to say, hoping his friend didn’t notice the tremble in his voice, but of course Tadashi noticed; they’ve been best friends since 8 years old, Tadashi knew everything about him. Kageyama stole a glance at him, and he raised his eyebrow in response. Kageyama sighed.
“Tobio, it’s okay to hurt, it’s okay to feel sad, and it’s okay if you want to talk about it. Of course, it’s also okay if you don’t want to talk about it. We’ll be here for you either way, yeah?”
“I-” Kageyama started, and Tadashi nodded in encouragement. Kageyama didn’t know what he wanted to say; he had so many emotions in his heart, so many words hanging on the tip of his tongue, so many thoughts in his head. He settled with a simple “I miss him”. Tadashi pressed his lips into a tight smile, moving closer to rub on the other’s arm sympathetically.
“I didn’t even get to say my speech during the funeral. I couldn’t thank him for teaching me volleyball, for raising me, for being there for me when no one else was. I didn’t get to say how much I love him, and that he was the greatest grandpa anyone could ever have. Did you know I spent the whole night writing what I wanted to say? I wrote 3 full pages, more than any writing assignment I’ve ever done for school. But I didn’t even get to say it. The moment they said it’s my turn, I just… froze. I couldn’t even get my legs to move towards the podium, much less my mouth to talk.”
“It’s okay, Tobi.” Tadashi murmured soothingly, at a loss for words.
“It’s not okay though. How would he know what I’m feeling if I didn’t say it?”
“Why wouldn’t he know?” The freckled boy tilted his head in genuine wonder. “You looked at him with stars in your eyes whenever you guys played volleyball. You learnt to cook his favourite meal at 10 years old because his movements were getting clumsier. You visited him at the hospital almost everyday for the past year. He knows, Tobio.”
“I just miss him so much, ‘Dashi.” Kageyama repeated, glaring at the floor as he felt hot tears well up for the umpteenth time in the last week. He watched as a drop of tear fell onto the wooden floorboard. “How-how do I stop this pain? How long did it take for you to stop missing your dad?”
A long silence stretched through the kitchen, and Kageyama finally looked up from watching more and more tears dripping down onto the floor. Through cloudy eyes, he was surprised to see Tadashi staring back at him with watery eyes. “Tadashi?” The raven murmured, concerned.
“I miss him everyday, Tobi. I never stopped missing him.” Tadashi replied, voice uncharacteristically soft. Tobio held back a gasp. “What?”
“I miss him every single day. I miss him when I go to bed and remember he used to read to me before I sleep. I miss him when I’m having breakfast and realise it’s his favourite tamagoyaki that we’re having.” Tadashi paused, staring into his friend’s wide blue eyes. “But then I also knew that he’s in a better place right now, a place without pain and worries and sadness. You know, my mum used to say something funny months after dad died. You want to hear it?”
“Mhm.”
“You know that feeling where your heart feels super heavy and something in your chest is clenching when you miss someone? My mum said it’s because that someone’s ‘soul angel’ is always near you. It could be sitting on your chest, or squeezing you into a giant hug, but either way, it means Kazuyo-san is always nearby, watching over you.”
Tears flowed down Kageyama’s cheeks as he chuckled at the story. “That’s silly. It can’t be real.”
“No, I don’t think so too.” Tadashi laughed as well. “But sometimes we just have to live in delusion. It gave me great comfort, even now. Doesn’t it?”
“Yeah, it does.” Kageyama gave a small smile, wiping away his tears. “Thanks, Tadashi.”
“Always at your service.” Tadashi grinned impishly, pinching together 2 fingers to tip off an imaginary hat. He moved to give his friend a quick hug, but he tightened his arms and smiled into the black mop of hair when he felt Kageyama return the hug.
Moments later, the boys returned to the bedroom with hands full of snacks. The match was back in full swing, Hinata jumping in excitement from a particular mean spike from the Jackels. “Took you guys long enough! I think Kei-Kei grew a few strands of white hair from waiting.” The ginger said, eyes never leaving the screen.
“Maybe next time you should grow a pair of legs and go grab it yourself.” Kageyama snapped, his voice loud enough to cover Tsukisima’s “don’t call me that”. The raven threw a bag of chips at Hinata’s head, omitting an immediate fist fight from the latter. The volleyball match was temporarily forgotten as Yachi fretted over the fallen crumbs on the floor and Tadashi winced when Kageyama managed to pull at Hinata’s sideburn. Tsukishima clicked his tongue, even as a small smirk started to form on his face.
“Welcome back, King.”