Chapter Text
Nam-Gyu swallows hard, feeling his adrenaline slowly beginning to subside, as he realizes he is crashing hard. He runs his hand through his hair, the gesture not as soothing as he had hoped due to his fingers snagging in a bit of dried blood and hair from one of the fallen players.
The feeling coursing through him is both thrilling and nauseating. The thrill of surviving such a challenge is almost enough to have his body temporarily forget the severity of his withdrawals.
'Fuck, how are they already so bad?' He pulls at the blood in his hair until his fingers break through it, as he tries his best to remember the feeling of his last high-
Club Pentagon, the night before he met the man that offered him the invitation to these games. The feeling of the needle sinking into his arm, the flowers blooming in the back of his throat, the vines spreading throughout his entirety... that beautiful, blissful feeling.
He rubs his face and eyes, realizing now just how much he is sweating. He would swear to it that he can still hear that damn doll's voice singing along as he tries to pull his head back to the current situation.
The voices of all of the players jumble into a hum that pulses through his head, and he can feel his every nerve prickling toward the surface of his skin. He glances around, squinting slightly as he takes in the look on as many faces as he can handle. His own thoughts are too loud.
To his surprise, the chaos seems to momentarily subside when his eyes land on a familiar face amongst the players. Seeing Thanos' purple hair is oddly... *comforting?* Nam-Gyu doesn't know what the feeling is, exactly, but he finds his feet mechanically carrying him in the direction of familiarity.
As Nam-Gyu mindlessly makes his way across the room, the fog in his mind clears just enough to make out the expression on Thanos' face. The man seems to be looking at everything at once and yet focusing on nothing in particular.
He doesn't know why he is drawn in his direction. Sure, the two of them had already spoken to each other during the orientation, but they had split up just before Red Light Green Light began. Not much time has passed since then, but, in more ways than one, it has been lifetimes. Everything is different now, and the difference in the air is perfectly reflected on Thanos' face.
Nam-Gyu stops just a few feet away from the only person that he recognizes from the outside world, and he awkwardly wraps his arms around his own chest, feeling like he may collapse in on himself if he isn't careful. He looks up at Thanos, and the man hasn't even registered his presence.
The memory of this same man pushing a group of people to their death, a moment that no one here missed, plays vividly in Nam-Gyu's mind, and his words are instantly trapped in his throat.
'Guilty by association,' his mind pulls the thought to the surface, and he quickly buries it under his need for any glimpse of his outside world and the high that waits for him on the other side of... 'these fucking walls.'
"Thanos?" the moment the name leaves Nam-Gyu's lips, Thanos instantly snaps his attention to him, looking him up and down quickly, seemingly taking in every detail of him before responding.
"Nam-su," The voice is hoarse, and Nam-Gyu instantly recalls the sounds of that same voice screaming out wildly throughout the game.
He had known that Thanos was often off in his own world, but even Nam-Gyu wouldn't have expected him to actually sound like he was having fun during a literal game of life and death. Perhaps it was never the drugs, and this guy really is just that crazy. Still, the incorrect name chips away at him enough to feel the incessant need to correct it.
"It's... Nam-Gyu," though he is correcting him, he nods as he speaks.
Thanos stares either into him or through him, Nam-Gyu can't be certain, but he notices the subtle way man's lips twitch at the corners.
"Nam-Gyu," Thanos repeats the name, but the sound of it is drowned out, this time, by the loud and obnoxious buzzer, as it rips through the air of the dormitory.
The players fall eerily silent, just before the doors swing open, and the pink guards file into the room.
An adrenaline spike rips through Nam-Gyu's chest, and everything fades into the background, as a guard with a square mask speaks, his voice drowned out by the sound of his own ears thrumming and his breath scraping at his throat.
His body temperature is struggling to keep up, and his heart pounds violently against his ribs, his brain trying to catch up with every sound, every movement around him. He could pass out here and now.
In the blink of an eye, everything changes. All the noise of the room and his body is replaced by the trilling sound from above the players. Nam-Gyu throws his head back, his eyes focusing on the piggybank that now hangs above them, just in time to see the money pouring into it.
He swallows hard, his mind instantly filling with every thought that he can't possibly keep up with. Instead, he follows his instinct to glance around the room, his eyes landing on the familiar face of Thanos.
The way the golden light hits Thanos' face, and his purple hair, the way he audibly swallows, it all has Nam-Gyu instantly transported back to the VIP section of Club Pentagon.
He closes his eyes, picturing the lush, leather couch beneath him, his own mind taking him to the dimly lit lounge of the club, picturing Thanos in his peripheral, chasing a pill with a bottle of Soju in his hand. He can almost feel the leather buckle of a belt on his arm.
Everything happens in slow motion, he is in a dream, completely disconnected from his body and surroundings. He can feel his heart beating slowly, and his breathing is so shallow he hardly remembers to do it.
His body starts to shiver, and he can feel that beautiful chill, beginning to spread across his skin, as the flowers bloom in the back of his head.
The only thing that stands steady in the ever-changing scenery is Thanos, the man who is both present in the current world and in Nam-Gyu's memories. Whether he is a part of the reality that is the death game, or a part of the memories of Nam-Gyu's high-life, Thanos is a constant presence, linking the two worlds.
With the sound of gun fire, the blissful fog that had engulfed Nam-Gyu's mind begins to clear, and he is quickly brought kicking and screaming back into the harsh reality of the game. The mental lag is nearly debilitating, and even as he tries to quickly regain composure, his mind struggles to keep up. Despite his efforts to re-focus, the gunshot has already shaken him, causing his body to shiver involuntarily.
In an attempt to ground himself, he turns his attention to the guards, his mind racing to make sense of what is happening. Every sound is amplified, and his body feels both sluggish and overly sensitive to even the slightest shift in his surroundings. Despite his best efforts, he can't seem to shake the mental lag that has overtaken him, leaving him feeling disoriented and on edge.
The guard with the square mask steps forward, the pistol still held in the air, announcing to the players that they must now take a vote, to decide whether or not to continue the game, or to end it here and split the prize money between them.
Instantly, the room is filled with a buzz of voices, as every remaining player begin to discuss the situation amongst themselves. Among the murmurs, Nam-Gyu’s ears pick out the sound of Thanos' hoarse voice, saying, “I'm staying.”
Despite the chaos of the room, Nam-Gyu's entire focus has shifted, his attention honing in on Thanos with an intensity that borders on obsessive. He studies every movement, every expression of the man, as if each muscle twitch holds the key to their survival. The way Thanos glances hungrily at the golden light, his throat working as if he was swallowing a pill - it sets off a spark of determination in Nam-Gyu's chest.
Nam-Gyu speaks up, his voice firm but shaking, as if he is trying to convince himself as much as the others.
"I'm staying," he echoes Thanos' words, his gaze locked on the man himself, as if he was making a promise to him directly. With each word, his voice grows in strength, and he straightens his back, his own determination flaring as if he was feeding off the energy radiating from Thanos.
The players begin to move, silently shuffling together, forming a circle in the center of the dormitory. Nam-Gyu moves like a ghost among them, his mind still fuzzy around the edges. He doesn't even remember how the large podium appeared in their midst or how quickly the players started to fall into line around it. His feet carry him instinctively, and he finds himself standing tall beside Thanos, feeling the weight of his presence like a physical touch.
Out of the corner of his eye, Nam-Gyu realizes that he has begun to lean towards Thanos, his body unconsciously drawn to the man's presence. He catches himself just in time, noticing how close he is to making physical contact, and he corrects himself, straightening his back and standing tall at the man's side. The sound of the guards calling the players up, one by one, to cast their vote echoes around the room, and Nam-Gyu's heart begins to pound heavily in his chest.
Nam-Gyu is jolted from his thoughts by the sound of Thanos' hoarse voice saying his name. The way the man speaks it, almost as if he is whispering, has Nam-Gyu instantly refocusing his attention on him. He turns his head towards Thanos slightly, his breath catching in his chest at the sound of the man's voice.
"Yes?" he responds, his own voice sounding almost foreign to him in the current moment.
Without even realizing it, Nam-Gyu begins to stare at the large screen, watching the votes as they climb towards the goal. Thanos' face is illuminated by the screen in a harsh, cold glow, his features appearing sharper and more intense than ever.
He remains silent for an eternity, just watching the number climb higher and higher, when suddenly, Thanos' voice pierces into his hyper-focused mind.
"Nam-su," he asks, "Are you staying?"
Nam-Gyu corrects him once more, his voice sounding thin and weak even to his own ears. "It's Nam-Gyu," he repeats, and this time, Thanos does turn to look down at him. There's a strange moment where their gazes lock, and Nam-Gyu feels a shiver run down his spine. Despite his growing confusion, he manages to steady his voice and says confidently, "I'm staying."
Thanos' gaze lingers on Nam-Gyu's face like an unrelenting spotlight, his eyes tracing every inch of the man's features, as if he was trying to memorize every minute detail. His expression betrays his determination, his features set in stone with a cold, unyielding resolve. Nam-Gyu feels himself sweat internally, a strange mix of thrill, terror, pain, and comfort coursing through his veins under the weight of the man's gaze.
Despite the intensity of his withdrawal symptoms, Nam-Gyu finds himself almost drawn to the way Thanos' gaze and presence is stirring up a strange fire inside him. He begins to fidget, his hands pulling his sweater sleeves down past his knuckles as he struggles to deal with the sudden flood of emotions coursing through him. It takes him a moment to realize that he's been biting at his own lip, his teeth digging into the soft flesh, and it's only then that he notices the way Thanos' eyes dart down to his lips.
The moment is suddenly interrupted as Thanos’ number is called, and the two men share a look that seems to stretch out to infinity.
Thanos practically dances his way to the podium, a hint of eagerness in his movement. He smashes the blue “O” button with finality, his fingers drumming against the surface of it before swiping the corresponding patch from a guard and putting it on his jacket.
Nam-Gyu stands and watches as Thanos makes his way to the gathered "O" players, his eyes refusing to leave the man’s figure. And now, Nam-Gyu stands alone, his patience being put to the test as the number of players on the screen dwindles one by one; the only thoughts that are going through his mind are the sound of his own heart beating, the pounding at his temples, and the feeling that time itself has suddenly come to a complete halt, as if everything around him is just noise in the background. He stands like a statue, his eyes locked on the screen, glued to the final number that is now approaching him. The tension in the air is palpable, and Nam-Gyu knows that this moment is the one that will change the entire course of his life.
Nam-Gyu's number is finally called, and instantly, he can feel the weight of every eye in the room, including Thanos', landing on him. He glances towards Thanos before making his way to the podium, his heart racing and his fingers trembling ever so slightly.
As he approaches the blue button, Nam-Gyu pauses for a moment, and he finds himself wondering if it's his greed for more money or if it's something else, something he can't really articulate. He thinks about standing on the blue side of the room, closer to Thanos, and the thought drives him forward.
He reaches the podium, his hand hovering over the button for just a moment. He takes a deep breath, and then he presses down on the blue button, feeling the satisfying click of it underneath his fingertips and a sense of finality in the action.
He takes a step back from the podium, his eyes once again quickly finding Thanos' in the room. This time, the man is looking at him, his gaze intense and unyielding. Nam-Gyu can feel a shiver run down his spine, and he wonders what he's just done.
Thanos smiles and throws his arms up into the air, forming a circle over his head, and for a moment, Nam-Gyu is almost drawn to the man, wanting to cross the room in a sprint to join him. But his body, still plagued by withdrawal, betrays him, and his pace is slow and clumsy. Despite the weakness, Nam-Gyu presses forward, each step heavy and deliberate, as if he is walking through molasses.
Thanos is like a magnet, pulling Nam-Gyu towards him slowly. The man’s energy is infectious, and even though Nam-Gyu’s mind is still a blur of thoughts, he can’t help but feel a sense of belonging, a desire to be a part of that circle, to be included in the man’s world. He keeps moving forward, his body feeling heavier with each step, but his resolve is stronger.
Thanos' voice is cheerful and full of excitement as he calls out to Nam-Gyu, the name "Nam-su" rolling off his tongue with familiarity.
"My boy," Thanos wears a warm smile as he speaks. It's as if he's been waiting for this moment, expecting Nam-Gyu to join him, and his joy is contagious.
Nam-Gyu's mind is hazy with the memory of every night spent in the VIP section of Club Pentagon, surrounded by people who used him as entertainment or a tool. The realization that no one has ever been genuinely happy to see him sinks in, and he feels a pang of loneliness.
But then he looks at Thanos, the man's gaze locked on him, radiating a warmth that cuts through the fog in Nam-Gyu's mind. The withdrawals are overshadowed by the unfamiliar feeling that he experiences when he sees the man, a strange mix of comfort and anticipation.
Nam-Gyu doesn't bother to correct Thanos' slip-up with his name. In this moment, he doesn't care what name Thanos uses to address him. All that matters to him is the feeling he gets when he hears that familiar "Nam-su" being called out by the man. It's as if the sound alone gives him a sense of purpose, a reason to keep moving forward. The desire to chase this feeling, to experience it again and again, is stronger than any other thought or emotion in his mind.
Nam-Gyu's mind is consumed by the flood of new and unfamiliar sensations, his body on autopilot as he responds to Thanos. "Yes," he responds, his voice barely above a whisper, the word falling from his lips like a confession. It's as if he's agreeing to anything and everything that the man says, as long as it means he can continue to feel this way, to bask in the energy that radiates off of Thanos. He doesn't care if his responses sound weak or desperate, as long as he can chase this feeling of belonging, of being seen and wanted.
Thanos repeats the phrase “my boy” slowly, as if savoring the words on his tongue. The two men remain locked in an intense gaze for a moment, the connection between them palpable. But the sound of the "O" players cheering in the background eventually steals their attention away from each other, breaking the spell. They both turn their eyes towards the screen, only then realizing that the voting process had finished and that the Games would continue.
The realization of being separated from the drugs hits Nam-Gyu like a ton of bricks, and a deep sense of dread settles in the pit of his stomach. He can feel the familiar pain of withdrawal beginning to set in, his body protesting the forced sobriety. The sweat begins to roll down his temples, and he quickly shoves his trembling hands into the pockets of his sweater jacket, trying to hide the evidence of his discomfort. The emptiness inside his head has him longing for the sweet escape of the flowers. But then his gaze locks with Thanos, and for a moment, all the pain and the craving are forgotten.
Nam-Gyu isn't even aware of the world around him as his mind floats, lost in the presence and gaze of Thanos. But then he hears the man speaking in English, a language he wasn't expecting, and it jolts him back to reality. He tries to focus on the words, but his brain feels sluggish and slow. Thanos follows up by saying something about "come" and "bathroom" in their familiar language, and Nam-Gyu nods weakly, not really understanding what's going on but too dazed to question it.
Nam-Gyu suddenly feels a hand around his wrist, the touch sending a jolt through his system and snapping him out of his daze, at least partially. He's being pulled through the cheering crowd of "O" players, his feet moving almost on autopilot as they push their way through. He notices the curious glances of a few people as they pass, and he notices the absence of the guards once again. Nam-Gyu glances back in a brief moment of clarity, seeing that they're heading toward one of the small doors of the dormitory. But just as he starts to come back to his senses, a question pops into his mind:
"Wait-
...where are we going?!" Nam-Gyu manages to finally ask, his voice coming out hoarse and ragged due to a dry throat and cracked lips. He's still not resisting being led by Thanos, as he keeps walking alongside the man and trying to match his long strides.
Nam-Gyu follows Thanos to the door, and he watches as the man rhythmically pounds on it with his fist. After a moment, a slot opens, revealing a guard wearing a triangle mask. Nam-Gyu hears Thanos requesting to use the bathroom, and the door suddenly opens. Nam-Gyu glances around, confused and disoriented, before glancing up at Thanos, hoping for an explanation. But the man remains silent, his grip on Nam-Gyu's wrist tight as he leads him through the doorway.