Chapter Text
He said, "Boy can I tell you a wonderful thing?
I can't help but notice, you're staring at me.
I know I shouldn't say this, but I really believe,
I can tell by your eyes that you're in love with me."
"Uh, corporal...?" Eren hesitantly called out, watching as the raven-haired man was getting ready for the journey, strapping on his maneuver gear with such readiness.
With one last check, Levi made sure everything was in order and working properly before turning to face the taller boy standing before him. "Yes, Eren?" His expression and attitude wasn't like the usual-- he actually held a certain level of kindness in his eyes. It was something Eren had never seen before, and it drove him crazy. His heart beat sped up significantly, and he resisted the urge to break the eye contact.
"..Promise me you'll come back, okay?" His voice, at this point, was barely above a whisper. There were butterflies in his stomach, and not the good kind; either. Sure, Levi was known as humanity's strongest soldier, but Eren still couldn't force down the bad feeling he had about the mission. It tore him up inside on a daily basis; and hurt him even more when he lay awake, tossing and turning at night because of the thought.
Levi just stared at the titan-shifter for a second, conveying his thoughts and feelings through a mere facial expression.
If it was really possible to die from looks, at that moment Eren felt like he would've been to heaven ten times and back already.
Levi frowned. "Clear those miserable thoughts out of your head. It's no use anyway, you'll just be even more saddened if something does happen to me–" He held up a finger, as if knowing that Eren was going to say something and preventing him from saying it. "–However, I'll be fine. I.. Promise. At least have some faith in me." He shook his head disapprovingly, before mounting the black stallion before him in one swift motion.
"I-I'm sorry.." The brunette bit down on his bottom lip, uttering those two simple, yet meaningful words under his breath. He was pretty sure the corporal hadn't heard him, which was good in a way because he disliked apologies – especially from him, in times like these. "I guess you're right," Eren forced himself to speak, absentmindedly reaching over to stroke the horse. "I'm sure you'll do well, corporal!"
Now, most of the time we'd have too much to drink
And we'd laugh at the stars and we'd share everything
Too young to notice, and too dumb to care
Love was a story that couldn't compare.
"What's wrong, Eren?"
"Yeah, you seem really down lately."
Armin and Mikasa were both crowded around Eren, despite how much he wanted to be alone. He actually chose to clean the stables rather than scrub the floors, knowing that everyone else would've chosen the latter, leaving him all by himself with the horses.
Sadly, that wasn't the case. Both of his childhood friends –and sister, in Mikasa's case – had ultimately noticed how depressed Eren was within the past few days. He was occasionally skipping meals, using the time to lock himself in his room. He didn't even have the strength or mindset to argue with Jean over miniscule things anymore. Armin could even tell by his eyes – they had lost their bright, turquoise shine, and were now more of a lackluster green color.
"Guys, I'm fine. Now can you two please go clean the other stable? You'll just be making more work for yourselves by hanging around like this." Eren groaned, scrubbing at the walls of the stable, watching with disgust as his brush slowly turned a mixture of yellow and brown.
"Eren. Do you think we'd leave you like this, in this state of mind, just for the sake of getting our work done faster?" It was Mikasa who spoke this time, and she stood up, crossing her arms. Her expression was filled with frustration at first, but soon softened once she fully saw the miserable look on her adoptive brother's face. Sighing, she continued on, but in a much quieter voice than before. "It's about Corporal Levi, isn't it?"
Eren's face reddened. He dropped the brush in his hand, letting it fall onto a stack of hay. "How do you know?"
"It was pretty obvious," Armin cut in, leaving Mikasa with a surprised expression on her face. "You worry about him too much.. I figured his leaving for the mission outside the walls would make you feel this way." He gingerly picked up the brush, beginning to scrub at the wall where Eren left off.
"Do you like him?" Mikasa wondered out loud, dipping a sponge into a bucket of water and dabbing at the adjacent wall.
Eren was speechless. His emotions were fumbled up into many words in his mind; words that he couldn't unscramble and form into sentences to tell his friends. "Of course I like him. What, do you want me to hate him or something? That wouldn't be very respectful to someone of the upper rank."
"Eren, I don't think you get it. What she means is, do you love him?" Armin didn't realize it, but this would be a very tough question for his friend to answer.
"L-love..?" Eren had never really thought much about that word before. It was more of an abstract feeling to him – true, he 'loved' his family and friends, but he'd never thought about how 'loving' someone in that sense would feel. Did he really 'love' Levi? Did Levi even reciprocate his feelings?
The thought made Eren's heart speed up again, causing his cheeks to grow increasingly warmer. He was pretty sure his face was similar to the color of a cherry tomato at that moment. Flashbacks of the day Levi left played through his mind, like black and white melodramatic scenes of a movie. He remembered the way Levi looked at him on that day – how his gray eyes were filled with some undetectable emotion. Was that emotion... love? The corporal's voice was softer than usual, and also held a sense of softness. Was that the way he talked to people he had feelings for–
"Eren..? You okay?" Mikasa's voice, although calming, pierced through Eren's mind as clear as day, breaking straight through his barrier of thoughts like a sharp knife.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.. Can we talk about this some other time?" He hoped he could put off Armin's question for a long time.
I said, "Boy, can I tell you a wonderful thing?
I made you a present with paper and string.
Open with care now, I'm asking you, please."
The days felt like years to Eren. Every day seemed to last twenty more hours, and every hour dragged on for twenty more minutes than they were actually worth. During these times, he was actually grateful for training exercises and the dirty chores to get his mind off things.
It had been at least four days since anyone had received any information about the mission. Usually, they never lasted over two weeks, but everyone had a feeling that this one would last longer. On the bright side, Eren was somewhat grateful for the lack of information transmitted. He didn't want to hear anything about any casualties, and he specifically didn't want to hear corporal's name in the casualties list.
In the meantime, Eren had begun writing letters to Levi, even though they were more like diary entries. There was no way the corporal would be able to actually receive and read the letters within anytime soon. Usually, Eren wrote about what was happening in the Survey Corps HQ and how everyone else was doing. He left out the parts about Armin and Mikasa asking about his feelings, of course. He also included the training excersises, descriptions of how everyone did their chores, etcetera.
When he only had two pieces of remaining paper left, he decided to write about something.. special. He needed to get it off his mind, anyways.
In the end, he ended up writing a page on his feelings towards Levi. He wasn't planning on letting anyone read it; including Levi himself, if he came back.
Eren finished off the entry with his usual, rather bland, "Sincerely, Cadet Eren Jaeger," before collecting all of the entries and holding them together. After a few minutes of rummaging through his room, he managed to find a piece of red ribbon in his bedside drawer. Must've been something the last soldier living here left behind, He thought to himself, simply holding it in his hands for a minute, thinking about what it could've meant for the last person.
Eren bound the five pieces of yellowed paper together with the ribbon later, hiding it inside his pillowcase. Almost immediately after, he felt the load on his shoulders lessen. It was as if writing really did take his mind off things, although he could still think about Levi and mull everything over if he really tried.
"Well, that's that." He spoke out loud to himself, getting up out of his desk chair and heading for the door. He decided he needed some quality time with his fellow soldiers for once.
Now, son, I'm only telling you this
Because life can do terrible things
"THE GATES ARE OPENED."
Today was the day. Corporal Levi would be coming back.
Eren was so excited and nervous last night when he got the news. He was up in his room the whole night with a single candle lit as he reread his letters over and over, making sure everything was perfect and that there were no grammatical errors. True, he didn't intend for Levi to read them, but maybe one day he would gather up enough courage to give them to his corporal. Anything was worth a try.
Now, he sat on a horse by the gates to the area beyond the wall, dark bags under his eyes and his brown hair messy. He tried to make himself look more appealing to greet Levi, but there was nothing to get rid of his dark circles, and his hair refused to fall in the right direction no matter how hard he combed. Armin and Mikasa both kept telling him that he looked fine, but they were his friends. Friends were supposed to tell you that.
His heart was thumping along to the beat of the horses' hooves, as the Survey Corps soldiers came in through the opening. He could see Erwin and Hanji next to each other in the first row, which was a good anything. After all, Eren would also be sad if either of them passed away.
The horses trotted in slowly, leaving Eren increasingly impatient. He noticed that Hanji wasn't annoying anyone about titans and all that crazy stuff – but then Eren realized that she didn't have anyone to bother. The person she communicated with the most, Levi, was missing in his usual spot across from her.
Eren's heart dropped. The world froze around him. All the buzzing from the excited civilians, the horses clomping along, the sounds of the kids screaming about their idols – all of that ceased to exist. He could only hear his own mind and the worried little voice inside his head. Levi, Levi, Levi, He called out, a mental call of distress. Maybe he's just somewhere else in the formation. Yeah, maybe something happened and Erwin switched up the formation. Or.. Maybe he decided to stay by himself a while longer? No, that isn't possible. It would not be allowed.
He was trying his best to reassure himself that nothing happened, that everything would be okay, that his darling corporal would arrive back perfectly alive. Tilting his head up a bit, Eren was able to see over the crowd. He was waiting for the familiar wooden wagon with a white tarp over it – the wagon that carried the bodies. The death wagon.
He shut his eyes, forcing his tears back inside. It's fine, keep it together, Eren. He'll come back. He promised you, after all, didn't he? Upon reopening them, a flash of white crossed his eyes. The wagon was now rolling along ahead of him, its wheel creating loud noises as it rumbled along the paved stone ground.
Eren nudged his horse with his foot, speeding it up into a canter. It didn't take more than few seconds for him to catch up with the rest of the Survey Corps and the wagon. Immediately, he slowed his pace down so that he was parallel with the squad. Everyone was staring at him, including Hanji, who appeared to be asking him what he was doing there.
Eren ignored her. He didn't care; all he wanted to do was scan the bodies piled on the wagon and pray that he wouldn't find Levi's.
There was a significant amount this time; at least ten people must've died. Eren couldn't tell; some of the bodies were so mangled it was impossible to tell who it belonged to. He thought he saw a flash of black hair somewhere in there, but there were a lot of soldiers with hair the color of Levi's. It could've been anyone.
Just as he was actually about to reach a hand down and flip through the gruesome pile, he felt a hand tightly gripping his wrist.
"I'm sorry, Eren.."
The hand and voice belonged to Erwin. Eren averted his eyes from the wagon, instead making eye contact with the blond commander. It took a while for him to realize what it was that Erwin was holding up, but when he finally did, it broke his heart.
It was a bloodstained cravat.
So don't fall in love, there's just too much to lose
If you're given the choice, then I beg you to choose
To walk away, walk away, don't let him get you.
"L-Levi..?"
Eren choked out, his eyes filling up with the tears he had once tried to hold back. He dropped the reins and wrenched his other hand out of Erwin's grasp. Now that both of his hands were free, he covered his face and let out a choked sob. He couldn't remember the last time he'd cried – maybe when his mother died.
He couldn't remember what happened in the next few minutes. Everything was just one big blur. He could vaguely make out Hanji and Erwin comforting him, then leading him back to the HQ.
Once he was back, he didn't even bother tying his horse up to the post. He dismounted as soon as he could, racing up into his room, pushing past Armin and a Mikasa. 'I'm so sorry Eren, I'll miss him too, I'm sorry, blah blah blah'. What good would sympathetic words do now? They can't bring back someone from the dead, can they?
He slammed the door shut. He collapsed onto the bed, its springs squeaking under his weight. Reaching under his pillow, he grabbed the wrinkled papers and held them close to his chest. A few tears rolled down from his cheeks, splashing onto the paper and blurring some of the words. Eren untied the red ribbon and flipped to the last page.
Corporal Levi,
I don't know if I'll get the chance to tell you this or not.. But, I'm in love with you. I'm absolutely in love with every little thing about you.
I vaguely remember the first time I realized my feelings, and I was extremely confused at first. I've never had feelings for another male before; let alone barely loved a girl before.
We were sitting across from each other in the mess hall, with the rest of your squad, and I couldn't stop staring at you. I noticed the way you looked back at me, with such emotion in your eyes. You showed that same emotion on the day you left. Most people say you're cold and heartless, but they're assholes who don't even bother to find out the truth before speaking up. I know that you have a heart, corporal, and that your heart is immense.
I noticed the peculiar way you hold your cup, the rare smile or occasional smirk you sometimes posses on your lips, the way you reply to everyone's statements. The way you replied to my statements, with that warm tone; the same tone you used to speak to me on the day you left.
You should use it more often, along with that amazing smile.
I would never be able to tell you any of this in real life, but maybe one day... One day when all the titans are dead, I believe we could have a future together. Who cares if they all disapprove? What matters most is that we both love each other.
You probably don't even know how much you changed my life for the better. After all, You were the one who saved my life from the MP. I probably won't even be here if it weren't for you. You believed that I wasn't a monster; that I could help humanity. You were the one who saw through everything. I.. I can't imagine being without you, and I hope I will never have to imagine that or ever think of that.
Please come back from your mission safe and sound. I know you can do it. You definitely will. Humanity's strongest soldier.
Sincerely,
Cadet Eren Jaeger
..."Please, don't be sad now, I really believe,
You were the greatest thing that ever happened to me..."