Sex Ed FAQs

please don’t tell me that you’re AFAB or AMAB in your ask. the gender you were assigned at birth tells me virtually nothing about what you and your body are like right now. if your genitals are important to your question, please just tell me what you have!

how did you become a sex educator?

complained too much about my younger sister’s sex ed class on tumblr dot com and the rest is history! I also do IRL education and workshops but this is where I started out :)

okay so my period is so bad that I’m regularly lightheaded/dizzy/ throwing up/fainting/unable to move or do anything but wail in agony. is that normal?

no, babe. you need to talk to a doctor.

I’m worried I’m a porn addict; how do I know if I’m jerking off too much?

if you’re prioritizing jacking off over every other important thing in your life or doing it until you’re physically in pain, it’s probably time to stop.

if you’re just jacking it once or twice a day because it’s fun and feels good but TikTok told you that’s an addiction, you need to watch better TikToks.

is it normal that I [insert explanation of your sexuality here]?

is it hurting you or causing you emotional distress? is it harming or distressing anyone else? or is it just a little different from what you think everyone else is probably doing? I want you to really think about this one. if the most uncomfortable thing about your situation is that it makes you worry that you might be weird, then you’re probably fine.

listen: nearly 8 billion people on Earth. statistically, no one is actually that weird. the odds are that there are thousands and thousands of people who are a lot like you. take comfort in your numerical insignificance.

do you give relationship advice?

either talk about it or break up.

can you tell me my sexuality or gender?

I really can’t, and I wish you didn’t want me to. call yourself whatever makes you happy, dude.

what does sexual attraction feel like?

different for everyone, but a key feature is (generally) wanting to put your magnificent sweaty body all over someone else’s magnificent sweaty body for pleasure.

do you have sex toy recs?

yeah, I keep a list of reputable places to buy from here. and I definitely recommend buying toys that are safe for your body; safe toy 101 is here.

what sex toy materials are body-safe?

  • silicone
  • sealed wood
  • glass
  • metal
  • hard plastic

how do I clean my toys?

depends on the material! try this handy guide.

what’s up with hymens?

read this.

how do I have safer sex if I’m having [XYZ type of sex]?

right here.

how should I remove my pubic hair?

however you want, babe. get some ideas here. 

anal sex tips???

watch this.

how do I douche my vagina?

don’t do that, it’s bad for your vaginal microbiome and makes you more susceptible to infections.

washing your vulva (the labia and other stuff outside of your vagina) gently with some water and fragrance free soap is okay, but nothing needs to go into the vagina. it cleans itself! 

how do I douche my anus?

read this, watch this.

what kind of lube should I use?

read this.

I have a hard time with orgasm; is something wrong with me?

probably not; read this.

okay but like… what does an orgasm feel like though?

different for everyone. no two people are having the exact same kind of orgasms, and very few people are having the exact same kind of orgasm every time they bust a nut. whether or not you’re having an orgasm isn’t nearly as important as whether you’re having fun, being safe, and feeling sexually satisfied.

do you have tips for having [insert type of sex here]?

nope. the only relevant advice I can give you is to talk to your sexual partner(s) and ask them what feels good for them. there’s no one size fits all cheat sheet to being good at sex; what feels great for one person might be boring or unpleasant for another. all you can do is get in there, have fun, and be yourself.

but I don’t know what my partner likes…

and you think I do? statistically speaking, I have not fucked your partner.

how do I talk to my parents about…

hey. listen. I’m gonna stop you right there. I’m sorry that you’re in a position where you have to convince your parents that you deserve access to sexual and/or reproductive health. that blows. but I don’t know your parents or your situation and that makes me very ill-equipped to guess what they’ll respond well to.

how do I safely engage in sexy choking?

I SINCERELY recommend seeking out an in-person workshop or mentor in a nearby BDSM community since this is an inherently dangerous activity and having hands-on instruction can really make the difference between safe and unsafe behavior. but I know not all of you can or will do that, so start with these:

I’m experiencing some light vaginal bleeding after penetrative sex; is that normal?

pretty normal, yeah. that’s most likely caused by vaginal microtearing, which is extremely common and overwhelmingly harmless. the tiny tears in your vaginal lining will heal themselves up no problem, but you can make it easier by avoiding any more penetration for a few days.

I have a difficult time with vaginal penetration; can I do anything about that?

generally yes. like any other muscle, those in the pelvic floor just need careful training and practice before they’re ready to do a brand new activity - you wouldn’t show up to a marathon without ever even jogging down your street, so don’t expect your vagina to go from zero penetration to getting slammed down big style with no warning! if you want to work on increasing what you can comfortably put in your vagina, take your time and start small with one finger and a lot of lube. go slow, have fun, and don’t get too down on yourself for taking as long as you need; there’s no time limit on sexual pleasure. it’s also fine if it’s not worth the hassle; you can have a thrilling and eventful sex life completely free of vaginal penetration!

what if I have vaginismus?

the majority of people with vaginismus find a lot of success training their pelvic floor muscles out of involuntary spasms with either physical therapy, counseling, or a combination of the two. I’d recommend chatting with a healthcare provider if that’s a route you want to pursue.

I’m x years old and a virgin. Is it too late for me to start dating and having sex?

no. read this.

what’s up with pap smears and pelvic exams, and is it possible to make them suck less?

I recommend Scarleteen’s guide here, and this guide specifically for survivors of abuse and assault.

what’s the difference between a kink and a fetish?

the easiest way to understand the difference is that a kink is anything that falls outside of sexual “norms” (and thus what exactly qualifies as kinky can vary wildly from person to person and between different contexts; whether or not something is considered kinky can change drastically over time) while a fetish is something that likewise falls outside of those norms but also must be present for someone to experience arousal.

sex therapist Rosara Torrisi explains it like this: “Here’s an example: If one night in bed, you accidentally hear your neighbors going at it and it turns you on, that’s kinky. But, if you need to listen to or watch others having sex in order to feel aroused then that’s a fetish.” (link)

what’s up with peeing after sex?

well, you’re going to need to pee sooner or later, aren’t you? don’t delay when you feel the need; holding it isn’t great for you, and (especially if you have a vagina) it’s helpful for washing away any bacteria that may have. but you also don’t need to jump out of bed (or wherever you were getting it on) and spring to the bathroom the second you’ve gotten off, which many people seem to think is the case. just stay hydrated and go whenever you feel the urge; don’t strain yourself if your bladder is empty.

do I still need to pee after [insert type of sex]?

well, once again, you’re going to pee EVENTUALLY one way or another. so that’s sort of a moot point, isn’t it?

sex advice for fat folks?

check out this post right here!

bonus reproductive rights section for the USians in the room: