Rage. Anger.

“A significant portion of people with bipolar disorder also have moderate to high levels of anger.” So is rage a part of the illness? Getting angry over little things leading to a full on rage episode? Here comes the Xanex. It helps me be calm even with .50mg it still helps me or at least I “think” it does. My counselor disagrees. However she’s not me…and I don’t feel like having our 5th fight in two months. I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed I get along with the voices in my head you think I’m crazy…I’m nuts but I’m ok with that.

Originally posted by mypsychedelicsupernova

Mars Vs. Venus

You ever wonder why God created man and woman? From Venus and from Mars, completely different in every way. So why do they always argue? always disagree. If we’re from different planets, how were we designed to be with each other? 

I hate arguing. Sometimes I don’t even understand why. Ive only been home for 3 days, and we have already argued twice. The big one was yesterday, started with hangers! How does a couple fight the SECOND day? I was gone for 10 days but obviously not long enough. So, why do couples fight? 

I dont think anyone knows that answer. My best friend has been seeing a guy for a little over a week, and already they had their first fight. 

Whats the point? how long does a marriage last if you cant agree about hangers? Its not my bipolar disorder, just anger. Even tho i know anger is actually a big part of bipolar disorder. Most kids/adolescents get diagnosed because of acting in anger at school, at home, ect.

  I watched two documentaries recently. Completely different eras. Its amazing how much has changed with bipolar disorder. But i feel like its not enough. I dont want the cure a generation later. I’d like a cure now. Or know how to control my brain, and how to protect my illness from my kid. It wont happen. Not soon enough. Why would i want to bring a child into my craziness? and the fighting? thats always a wonderful thing to let a little kid see, and be raised in. My counselor said to be married for a while, and that my bipolar rants need to stop before having a kid. Messing with my Lithium has not been a smooth ride. Which Dr Stowe knew…and thinks we will make it through the transition. Its good to have hope, and to be positive. I’m not suppose to worry about things that are out of my control. But I do. A lot. 

An argument is just an argument. Not the end of the marriage. Thats the hope i have, but dealing with me for the rest of his life? Should i believe he will? How do people survive the arguments? Well thats easy, you dont give up. But how do you make a marriage work with a bipolar person? Statistics say a lot of people dont. Thats something to worry about. 

Being a mom may be harder than getting off my meds…

My best friend has a bipolar mother. Her mania prevents her from having a relationship with her daughter. Do I really want that? To scare my child when I get out of control? Maybe it’s not meant to be. But I still hate Alicia 2. My aunt says I’ve come so far it’s like a miracle baby. So why do I feel like I’m stuck? Can’t get out can’t run from it. .

Originally posted by driftingawayintoheaven

I’m a head ache. I’m difficult…

Mania is a nightmare I’d love to never experience. My mental illness will never disappear. I’ve been trying to get off lithium. Had success up until a month ago. I was right back to being 16. March was a bad month.

I finally talked to my best friend ~ a year later. I think about how difficult I am, and what we went through. Id hurt her so bad that she’d need space for a while, but she always came back and loved me. STILL. If she can for 18 years…certainly my husband can? marriage should overcome the bad…right?
Why can’t I be normal and not up and down, hot and cold, black and white. I always thought I should be alone because the fact that I make life miserable for others. Loving a bipolar seems impossible and there’s so many statistics proving it. I refuse to be one. I’m not giving up. Love conquers all…

Life didn’t go as planned

I sometimes look at myself and go what’s your purpose in life, what have you accomplished, how have you overcome obstacles. It used to be so easy to answer before I was diagnosed. In 10 years I’ve battled this and sometimes I do great but other times I ask those questions feeling pathetic like I’ve done nothing what have I accomplished well loosing 4 jobs in a year and how have I overcome obstacles with support. I’m so lucky I have my family and my mom saved me. My husband loves me, but has never seen the insanity with mania. Bipolar has ruined so many things for me and to fully get over that may take the rest of my life. God has a purpose for everyone…so why can’t I figure out mine? For someone that fails at everything it’s hard to see the light. 26 jobless no degree incapable of doing anything correctly I feel like I’m deep underwater. I know a shit ton of people have illnesses worse than mine. I don’t know how cancer kids smile and seem happy when you know death is sitting next to you. That’s not fair either. I’ve decided to use Eminems song as a sort of acceptance song. “I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed. Get along with the voices inside of my head you tryin to save me stop holding your breathe you think I’m crazy yea you think I’m crazy well that’s not fair”
I’ve always had the monster vs Alicia and my aunt used to ask me where is Alicia 1 because she knew I was inside there somewhere. The first 3 months were just hell. People always talk about losing their mind but trust me all I wanted was to have control of mine. I think about people who self medicate with alcohol or drugs which also I never understood since alcohol is a downer …the drugs can mess up you’re mind but won’t fix it once you come off your high. The only thing I’ve known to fix it has been medication. It’s taken 10 years to get my cocktail right. I look up to people that have this illness and are brilliant ~ especially Robin Williams and Demi Lovato are prolly my two big ones.
I know life goes up and down. Mine is a violent roller coaster which I can never get off of.
That’s hard to accept and an impossible obstacle so why make me go through it? Make my family go through it? With all of my moms health issues I didn’t need this in my life.
My goals? Be a good wife and maybe a mommy. That’s a totally different journey that I may not conquer….