The Golden Bachelorette finale recap: A new beginning in Bora Bora

And lo, the inaugural season of The Golden Bachelorette had a happy ending — one that Bachelor Nation must hope and pray will not end in disaster after just a few months. Please, universe, let us have this nice thing. Please?

Let’s recap!

After a brief stop in the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, we rejoin Joan aboard the (promotional consideration provided by) Windstar Cruises Star Breeze. She’s still feeling down about getting dumped by Pascal. “When Pascal said he didn’t love me, it hurt,” she says tearfully. “More the feeling that maybe I’m unlovable. The walls are up again, and I’m afraid now.”

Rose lovers, you know I’m fully in the tank for this franchise, but my God do I hate how producers inevitably talk every lead into feeling “unlovable” at some point in their “journey.” They clearly cast for that specific insecurity, and it continues to piss me off. End of rant.

Oh, thank heavens. Nancy is here to help get Joan out of her funk.

The Golden Bachelorette fills Nancy in on what happened with Pascal. She reiterates her fear about being “unlovable,” and Nancy shuts that s--- down immediately. “You know you’re not unlovable,” she says. Nancy also immediately dismantles the idea that Pascal’s opinion should somehow matter as she makes her choice between Chock and Guy. “Don’t give the power to Pascal,” she says. “You are so deserving of love.”

Damn right, Nancy! Can we please start a “Nancy for Golden Bachelorette” campaign now? She is a treasure.

Onward to Bora Bora, where Joan’s family — daughter Ali, son-in-law Noah, son Nick, and Nick's fiancée, Brooke — is waiting for her.  

It’s an emotional reunion, especially when Joan starts talking about how much she’s thinking about Ali and Nick’s dad, John. “Someone said to me, which was such a gift, ‘You don’t have to let go of loving John. You can love somebody else, too,’” recalls Joan. “It gave me the freedom to actually fall in love.”

Still, the Golden Bachelorette knows that it’s going to be strange for her kids to see her with another man. Will Chock win them over? Let’s find out!

Things get off on an… interesting foot when Chock announces that he’s going to kiss Joan, just as he did in front of his own family, “because I wanted everybody to know how much I care for her.” Or, and hear me out Chock, you did it because you’re controlling and want to mark Joan the way a dog marks its territory by peeing on something.

I’m no expert on micro-expressions, but I’m pretty sure Joan’s kids do NOT love it.

Chock also claims that when his daughter nominated him to be on the show, she told him that Joan “is the perfect woman” for him. “And I…” Chock begins, choking up, “I’m telling you, that’s what happened.”

I’m sorry, but I can’t go any further until we all take a moment to absorb how much Joan’s son Nick looks like a young Chris Harr*son:

That’s creepy.

Anyhoo, Nick and Brooke sit down with Chock first. He assures them that he loves their mom, and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. Nick admits that the whole process is “difficult” for him and his siblings, because they all have “extremely high expectations” for whatever man wants to win their mom’s heart. Still, Nick trusts his mom “to make the right decision,” and he believes Chock is “everything that I would have hoped that she would have found.”

In another room, Ali tells her mom that it’s about time that she does something for herself. “It doesn’t matter how many massages we buy you, or how many times we take you out to dinner, it’s not like having somebody do it that you’re actually with,” she says.  

Later, Nick also reminds his mother that he and his siblings are immensely proud of her for going on this “journey,” and that they of course are not mad at her for wanting another relationship. It is music to Joan’s ears. “I feel like they gave me their blessing to put my happiness first,” she says.

For whatever reason, we go right from Chock’s family visit to his Last Chance Date™ — so I guess Guy’s family visit will have to wait.

Mmmm… champagne and macarons. What a combination! Chock, who is constantly professing how sincere he is, kicks things off by telling Joan that the emotions he displayed while meeting her family were “genuine.” (Has this man ever heard the expression “show, don’t tell”? Probably not.) He then gives the Golden Bachelorette the key to his heart:

The token is “a symbol of my commitment to you,” says Chock. It’s also a promise to make good on their dream of getting a place together in New York City. Dang, they’ve already talking about cohabitating? Apparently so. “I want to marry you,” Chock continues. “I do love you.”

Joan does not return the L-word, but that’s only because she’s waiting to crown her official winner. Still, it really does seem like the Golden Bachelorette should put poor Guy out of his misery now.

Fittingly, it’s raining when the day rolls around for Guy to meet Joan’s family. “It’s not going to stop Joan and I from having a bright day,” insists the ER doctor. He, too, believes he’s in love with Joan, and he’s hoping to propose to her at the end of the “journey.”

Bless his heart. Okay, Joan — you know what to do.

Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. Let me back up a bit.

“Today is the day that Guy is supposed to meet my family, but I woke up this morning thinking about the date that I had with Chock yesterday,” says Joan, as we watch her walk under an umbrella to guy’s thatch-roof cottage. “Hearing that he loves me, and he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, I realize that I actually found love… I know what I have to do.”

And thus, we arrive at the breakup. After exchanging some pleasantries with Guy about the gorgeous surroundings, Joan drops the bomb. “We had a great date last week,” she begins. “And today you’re supposed to meet my family.” She pauses and lets out a big sigh. “I’m here to tell you that my heart belongs to somebody else.” Guy does NOT love it.

“I care about you so, so, so much,” Joan continues. “I just — my heart belongs to somebody else now. And instead of putting you through meeting my family… I wanted to spare you all of that because I care so much about you.”

Guy is devastated, and for a minute he just sobs in Joan’s arms as she whispers, “I’m so sorry.” Finally, he speaks. “I fell in love with you, and I was ready to let it all out,” says Guy. “This is not what I was expecting at all.” He asks Joan if there’s any changing her mind — dude, no means no — and she gently shuts him down. “I love you, but I love you in a different way,” Joan explains.

She and Guy share one more tearful hug, and then she heads back out into the rain. “I was ready,” says Guy through his tears. “Losing Joan makes me feel devastated. Sick to my stomach. I’m heartbroken.” He then adds a new entry into the hallowed Bachelor tradition known as the Balcony Cry™:

Bonus points for doing it in the rain, sir.

With that, we cut to the Tealight Candle Thunderdome, where Guy is backstage, looking solemn after watching his breakup with Joan on the big screen. After a commercial break, he joins Jesse Palmer on the couch for a postmortem on his “journey.”

“I knew what happened, but I didn’t really know exactly how it happened. Everything was a blur, so watching that was heartbreaking,” Guy reports. “I didn’t expect it… I thought I was the guy. I was convinced.” Still, like all the men Joan sent home on this “journey,” Guy is grateful for the experience — especially because it proved to him that he could still find “true love” again at the ripe old age of 66.

When Joan comes out on stage to talk things through with Guy, the two of them share a long hug, and they really do seem happy to see each other.

Guy begins by assuring Joan that all his feelings were sincere. But after reflecting on their relationship since the show ended, he just has one question: “Was there something missing that I just didn’t really anticipate, or that I should have?”

The Golden Bachelorette wants Guy to know that no, he “absolutely” did not do anything or lack any specific quality she was looking for in a man. “I was getting there with you, but it comes down to being, like, kind of a time thing,” she explains. “It was really, really, really hard at the end to say goodbye to you… I hope that we will be friends and that one day we’ll be double dating.” Awww man, that’s sweet. The Golden franchise truly is undefeated when it comes to friendly breakups.

Welp, rose lovers, it’s time. Time for Joan to put on a pretty, white sequined gown (love the flower embroidery!) and get ready to tell Chock he is The One. “I feel happy about my future now. It looks a lot brighter,” she says. “Chock is the reason for all of this.” You heard the lady, sir! Get over here and give our Golden Bachelorette the Happily Ever After (God willing) she deserves.

After stopping for a brief chat with Palmer, Chock makes his way to the Proposal Sandbar™. (No platform this time, folks.)

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“As we look forward, we do need to look back [at] John and Kathy,” says Chock. “I give you my word that I’ll honor him by loving you every day. That is the most important thing to me.” Okay, I’ll admit, that’s a pretty good speech. Once again, he tells Joan that he loves her, and then it’s her turn to speak.

The Golden Bachelorette says she realized that she couldn’t do “this journey” without Chock after his mother died and he needed to leave temporarily. “That’s when I started picturing our future a little more vividly,” she adds. “We are living proof that no matter what life throws at you, that there is still hope — even at our age.” Finally, she offers Chock the three words he’s been dying to hear.

The best part about this whole proposal is that it happened without us having to sit through a “Chock sits with Neil Lane to pick a ring” segment. Anyhow, Chock pops the question, and Ms. Joan Vassos says “Yes.”

Congrats, you crazy kids. Now please, have a long, long, LONG engagement.

Awww, how cute — Joan is so excited she immediately wants to share the news with her mom, Mary.

“What a nice-looking couple you make,” says Chock’s future mother-in-law. Side note: How heavy do we think that golden boutonniere is? It must take quite a sturdy magnet to keep it pinned on Chock’s lapel.

Please welcome the happy couple to the Thunderdome, rose lovers!

Joan and Chock are thrilled to be able to make their love public, and Chock praises the Golden Bachelorette for handling all the breakups that lead to their proposal with class and dignity. “I was so proud of her,” he says. “It’s one of the reasons that I fell in love with her.” Like their younger counterparts, Joan and Chock got to have five “happy couple” visits. “The great thing about it is you get to know the person better,” says Chock. “We stayed in the house; you couldn’t go out. We cooked, we play crosswords, it’s such a great opportunity to know the other person better.”  Ahhh, the Bachelor franchise — always putting the emotional cart (in this case, the engagement) before the horse.

Jesse then throws to a montage of Chock raving about Joan by saying some form of “I’m crazy about her” — which would be cute if it didn’t always sound a little phony coming out of his mouth. But maybe I’m just a cynic? (Don’t answer that.) After all, Joan wants her “journey” to be inspiring to others out there who may feel lonely. “If you’re sitting at home and you’re in your 50s, and 60s, and 70s, and you don’t have love in your life, everybody deserves to have love,” she says. “I’m saying, take the leap of faith. Go out and find your person out there!”

EVERYBODY BE QUIET! JOAN’S ADORABLE GRANDCHILDREN ARE IN THE AUDIENCE!

Granted, ABC uses their presence to give an extended plug for their parent company’s theme parks — congrats, Joan and Chock, you’re all going to Disney World! — but hey, if the kids had to get all dressed up and sit in that audience, they deserve a free vacation.

The episode ends with an extended promo for the upcoming season of The Bachelor, starring Mr. Grant Ellis. I’m sorry to report that it looks like Grant will be performing more than one original song this season. Lord help us all.

Well, whaddya know, rose lovers? The very first season of The Golden Bachelorette is in the books. Were you “crazy about” Joan’s final pick, or would you have preferred Guy — or literally anyone other than Chock? (Except for Gil, of course.) Which Golden gentleman do you want to be the next Golden Bachelor, and why is the only right answer Charles L.? And will you be watching The Bachelor with Grant come Jan. 27, 2025? Post your thoughts below! (That’s right, folks — COMMENTS ARE BACK ON EW.COM!)