I'm prone to derealization. I have been since I was a kid. Whether it's from trauma or just how I was born I'm not sure but as a result I'm rarely able to realize the true scope of the world around me. I'm quick to adapt to big changes in life and just "go with the flow".
I used to think I was just easy-going but the older I get the more I realize it's some deep-seeded part of me wondering how much of the world is actually real. To me there's no discernable difference between seeing a band play live and watching them on my computer.
Sometimes I think even my own emotions are fake. I'll be sad and, even when alone, feel like I can't be because I'm not real. Like I try to perform it because it's what I see other people do in the world around me. Even if I actually feel it in my heart, I can't display it like a normal person.
I'm always scared one day I'll truly "wake up" and learn the person I am never truly existed.
As if the dreams I have are a peak into the actual real world I'm supposed to be in. I know that can't be. Even though my dreams have recurring elements, they always take place somewhere different. Vast landscapes and cramped corridors of places I've never seen yet am intimately familiar with. People I don't recognize but have known my entire life.
I've had dreams about being murdered, dreams about being something other than human, even dreams where I believed I was in the afterlife. There have been times I've been caught in loops so vivid that upon waking up I have to ask my boyfriend if he's real and that I'm truly awake.
Apologies for the ramble. I've been bedridden with scarlet fever the past few days. I experienced some of the worst fever dreams of my life and am still a bit light in the head.
I didn’t expect an existential synopsis on life and reality here, but it is very fascinating to hear something from someone who has written out something I really resonate with, I have always had a hard time with grasping what is real and it has effected me in ways that I haven’t been able to articulate how I feel at other’s passings as well because everyone kind of exists in that space caught between existence and not being, the only thing that I find aggravating is “remembering things wrong” like every month or so something is just different for me but everyone else just knows it already. Sorry for the random venting but it’s nice to hear I’m not the only person having trouble grasping reality
I didn’t expect an existential synopsis on life and reality here, but it is very fascinating to hear
Of course dude, I felt like I was just crazy for years it’s always nice to have a reminder that I’m not and I hope this is a good reminder for you too to know you’re not crazy either
Of course dude, I felt like I was just crazy for years it’s always nice to have a reminder that I’m
