DIARY

Long day, I'm tired. Didn't have school today so I went to the rich part of the city to spend my day with the capybaras. There were many of them, I counted 30 but there were probably more. I picked up some of the plastic trash that people threw there. After that I went to a library but there wasn't anything worth buying. Now I'm at home and I'm using SpaceHey again because I missed talking to random strangers online. I've been feeling really nostalgic lately, honestly. I've been playing crk again and listening to TV Girl and other bands I used to like in 2021/2022.

Second week of school and a lot has happened. The girl I like threw an apple at my head, no comments on that one. Today during recess a bunch of guys from a different year came to me, one sat next to me, the other one was behind me playing with my hair (???) and then a girl was filming it. The guy sitting next to me wanted me to tell them who I like, but they didn't explain that to me and just assumed I would understand what was happening (I didn't. I panicked. I don't know how to talk to people.) They left me alone, but I think they were pissed off because I didn't understand what was going on. I hope they don't post that. I have the bad luck of sitting next to the stupid and creepy guy in I.T, we have to do our projects together and he doesn't understand a single thing, which sucks because I have to do all the work and if I don't understand something then he can't help me. And I had to stay at school for 2 more hours because of a medical check or whatever. School sucks in general, but there's nothing I can do about it. Oh and last thing, we have to choose our uniform for next year since it's our last year and my classmates chose a LIGHT PINK HOODIE. Kill me.

(22/3/25 update, some sketches I did about school while waiting at the hospital :D)

First day of school was horrible! My friends hate my guts now because I didn't go to a birthday party so they avoided me, luckily they're in a different class so I didn't care much... Okay, maybe it hurt a little, but whatever. I sat with a girl that tolerates me, everyone else usually ignores me or makes fun of me. Not her, luckily. We had maths, I hate maths! The teacher is the same one as last year, which is good because she's super nice, but besides that I hated it. Then we had English with a new teacher. I love English and I'm usually the teacher's pet when it comes to English and English literature. She kinda avoided me when I tried to participate, maybe I'm too quiet? I sat at the front of the class and tried talking to her but she didn't seem happy. I mean, who is happy on the first day of school? I should be at an art school making marmalade with hippies! Anyways. I went to my aunt's house after school, I don't like the way she cooks but I was too hungry to complain. I tried taking a nap because I had a headache but I couldn't sleep. Later I got home and cried a little while I was trying to sleep because of the pain I was feeling. Now I have a stomach ache and my head feels fine, it's like my body wants me to be in pain at all times!

I finally went outside of my batcave today. I went to the mall with some friends! They bought some clothes and I got two batman comics! They're really rare to find at normal libraries and I don't know any comic stores from my town. After that, we had some food. I ate a burger with a pool of melted cheddar cheese at McDonald's, like the fat ass I am (I'm one burger away from a heart attack) and they had to be different and order food from some place no one knows. I had a lot of fun, but it was really hot outside! And sadly I start school next week, wish me luck... I'm going to be melting in a room full of dumb teenagers!

(There was no internet yesterday, I got really bored at some point and started typing random stuff. Here's some of it, because why not lol) God, I've been typing and typing for a few minutes now since I have nothing better to do and it all screams "I want attention!!! Please think I'm smart and interesting enough!!! Everyone's stupid but I'm not because I know a few facts about well-known people!!! No, school is not going well for me, but at least I know who Diogenes is and you don't, therefore I'm intelligent and you're dense!!! But I'm being humble about it because 'I don't wanna be this smart :((('. I don't get enough attention at home so please gimme some!!!" And I hate it, I hate it so much. You're not a smart boy Finny!!! Get that through your head!!! assfhjsshnkbcdgkk gimme a beer, I'm gonna eat weed and shove a vodka-soaked tampon up my ass and snort hairspray and inject cocaine into my eyeballs agwhejeusjfjdjsjweusjsajsj everyone in this room... get ready to hear me rant about a thousand different topics at once! no I won't make sense, and yes, I will contradict myself a hundred and one times... but if I keep talking and I talk for long enough then you'll stop understanding my words, and you'll think it all makes sense! But the truth is that not even I know what I'm saying. You can put a bunch of words together in a sentence and despite being grammatically correct (barely), they just won't make sense. I love love LOVE words. I love typing down everything that my little brain tells me to type. Ohh, I must've been a writer in another life! Or maybe a schizophrenic boy who would talk to the walls. Or maybe both. Nothing makes sense if you think about it for long enough. Mmm. Time to go to sleep. Big day tomorrow. it's always a big day tomorrow, doesn't matter when you're reading this. Every day is important even if you have nothing to do. And if you're still reading this... Go outside and touch some grass! Why would you torture yourself by reading all of this? I hope you know I'm in my bed laughing my ass off while you lose precious time of your life reading what I typed. C'mon, go! leave me and my thoughts alone!! Leave before it's too late and you find yourself writing a letter to me and telling me how great you think I am!

This week I've been BEGGING my mum to buy some teriyaki chicken for me. She ordered from a sushi place the other day and I got to try it. I hated it. Too sweet. I ended up cooking hotdogs while everyone else was eating sushi. I inherited my mum's shitty laptop since she got a new one (picture below). It sucks. Watching YouTube feels like watching a stop motion movie. I got to play Yume Nikki again, that's good. But if I try to open the Sims then the laptop would probably explode. I made some mashed raspberries dipped in chocolate as a snack (picture below), this is the second time I'm making them, honestly they tasted and looked better the first time but whatever. There's no internet right now so I'll post this whenever I can.

I don't know how to put my thoughts into words and make them make sense. Here's a few things that happened to me recently. I had pancakes with dulce de leche as a midnight snack the other day because I was feeling greedy but karma came quickly and I spilled dulce de leche all over my bed, now it looks like I took a massive shit on it. I played some more minesweeper on my phone, it teaches me to stop and think instead of jumping into conclusions. My current record is 2 minutes and 12 seconds, which isn't good enough for me but I'm trying to get better. Talking about games, I've been playing Stardew Valley again. I'm trying to reach perfection in my main farm. I played casually for a long time and I'm currently on year 10 and still haven't reached perfection which makes me a bit embarrassed. I've been focusing on fishing since it's my least favourite part of the game, I still need to catch the Legend, the glacier fish, and the ones from the night market. I've got the advanced iridium rod with the master enchantment and two cork bobbers to make the fishing bar bigger because I suck at the fishing mini game. I'm also building ponds on my farm so I can put the legendaries there and get some expensive fish roe. I could talk about Stardew Valley all day, it makes me really happy.

Mm. I woke up at 3 am and spent all morning being sad. I was choking on my pancakes while my whole face was wet with tears and boogers. I was inconsolable! So I had to stay at my aunt's house today. I took a nap and woke up around 9 am, my arms and legs were dirty, apparently with dulce de leche?? And I was home alone because my aunt had to go to the hair salon. I stayed in the guest room and had some mini cookies, I got up to leave the room but I accidentally locked myself in and had to wait an hour until my aunt got back home and unlocked it from outside, then I helped her with the laundry. I got home at 2 pm and took another nap, this time I woke up at 8 pm, I had a thousand messages from my mom asking if I was okay and my grandma was yelling at me from downstairs to wake me up. Just another day for me! Now I'm going to stay awake all night and play videogames in my ant-infested bedroom.

Did I talk about it? Yes, it's somewhere around here, I guess you'll find it. I do feel guilty about it, but it's only harmful to me so I guess I can keep going. I mean, it is a bad thing, I'm aware of that, but I just can't help it sometimes. Maybe it's because it makes me feel happy in a twisted way. We only live once, we have to experience as much stuff as we can, right? Do you even want to know what I'm talking about or would it be better to leave it to your imagination? (lunch break here) OUGHH FUCK IT'S WEDNESDAY TOMORROW SOMEONE KILL ME!!!. I walked past a mirror and noticed how long my hair was. I can tie it up! I hope my mom doesn't make me get a haircut, I start school in a few weeks and I don't want to look like a pencil again (actual comparison a friend made after I got a horrible haircut). I ended up talking about something completely different again. But I always have fun typing this, my mind is always thinking and I feel like I might go crazy if I don't let those thoughts out. That reminds me, they're going to do some tests on me. So if I suddenly stop posting for months then it means I'm at the psych ward. Anyways, have a good day!!!

Haven't posted anything here in a while. I'm doing better, I think. The other day a cat walked into my kitchen like it was hers. She usually hangs out in the backyard but recently she's been coming into my house (pictures below). Later that day I went to school and a dog literally guided me there. I don't remember her name, but she likes to go to my aunt's house and play with my aunt's dog, Luna. Well, I was walking to school and I saw her, I petted her and she jumped at me, her paws were covered in mud and she got my t-shirt dirty. I continued walking and she walked in front of me, looking behind her every now and then to make sure I was following. Then she left when I got to the door. After school, I went to my aunt's house and helped her with some chores like cleaning the pool, cutting some tree branches, and she gave me money to go buy some snacks. That was fun, I wanted to talk about it here.

noises, unwanted noises, constant sound everywhere... driving me insane.. coughs, sneezes, tv, phone, barks, people, planes, machines, all unsolicited noises make my head hurt in such a dramatic way that you would think I'm getting tortured but I'm just easily irritated... I need full silence 24/7, noises make me want to be louder and bang my head against the wall.. bang bang bang until I can't hear and my headache goes away and I don't have to worry about feeling irritated at the most insignificant things... people talk to me and it annoys me the same way it would annoy you to have a thousand flies flying around your head and being noisy little assholes.. why can't they leave me be, I really just want to be left alone but noooo, everyone has to be bothering me.. I don't care about people, I only care about myself and a little group of chosen ones who I just can't be mad at, I like them, the ones who don't irritate me in real life but are always in the back of my mind. I care about them, I care a lot, actually. I guess I just enjoy being around calm people, they make me happy, they're not loud but I wouldn't mind if they were.. but those loud people that just looooove to annoy me, I absolutely hate them, I want them gone forever, I want to just.. dig a hole in the ground and bury myself and just stay there forever, my thoughts and I.. nbngghjkbjmmmmmnnnnngh

Happy valentine's day if you celebrate it. Sadly I didn't go on a date, but I got brutally butt-fucked by an exam. No aftercare, no nothing, just 2 hours of suffering. Anyways... Here's a redraw I made of a drawing from last year (left is the new one). Fun fact: one time I carved my name on a real cow heart in front of my crush, I still have a picture of it if you're interested. Bye-bye, cutie pie.

I feel like lately I've been in autopilot mode, just reliving the same day and waiting for something to happen, but I don't know what it is. And I guess that's life for me, static, just waiting... I feel like I'm more my brain than my body at this point. I don't know if that makes sense. It's like I'm trapped inside my body and time just passes by and I can't do anything about it, I can't pause it. I don't know what's going on in my brain. I'm scared to die but I don't want to live. I've pushed all my friends away and isolated myself. I want to be alone but I can't. I wish I was old enough to just disappear from everyone's lives and start over... That's what I really want, a fresh start. I need a chance to make things right and I need to get away from here. I don't belong here, I never did, no matter how much I tried to fit in. I can't wait to be an adult, live alone in my own shitty apartment, and work from home. Just the thought of that makes me a bit happier. I'd like to live in a cold place where it rains a lot. Maybe I should move to London. I guess I have high hopes for the future. I'm not doing well now, but it will get better, right? And that's what I want, for my life to get better.

Hi. I've been making some changes around here, I thought everything looked too simple. I'm really indecisive... I've had an okay-ish week, I guess. I had some ice cream and I made a huge mess, I felt like a toddler again. The power went off today so I've been at my aunt's house since. My therapist cancelled our session right when I had a lot of stuff to talk about, but oh well... I don't really have much to say now. I'm still testing the layouts and stuff. The one currently on this page is a template I modified, but I don't want to use templates on all the pages, feels like cheating. That's all for now. Bye, you.

It's been raining heavily since last night and that makes me so happy. I love the rain, I love walking under the rain, I love it when the sky is grey, I love listening to the thunders... I've been playing minesweeper a lot lately, it's basically my comfort game at this point. I used to play it only when I was going through some stuff and needed something to keep my mind busy, but now I've been playing more often and it keeps me entertained. That's it for now. Bye, you.

Haven't been active since I became addicted to an underrated DS game, "Magician's quest mysterious times". It's pretty damn good, basically a copy of Animal Crossing but way better. I had some weird thoughts last night and I wanted to share them here but I was too tired to grab my phone and start typing, and I would type them now but they were really edgy and stupid. Something about my fear of death, the feeling of having a gun pointing at me every night, something about wanting to kill someone since we only live once. Anyways, I've been feeling weird lately. I shaved the sides of my head, though it's not really visible since it's covered by my hair, I'm planning to dye the shaved part, maybe something like the images below. I'll go play Magician's quest now. Bye, you.

I just got home after seeing my therapist, we talked about my anger issues and my lack of purpose in life or whatever I'm going through right now. She made a schedule for me, she wants me to spend at least an hour every day studying for the subjects I failed last year and just the thought of doing that makes me want to jump off a cliff. I got in the car with my mum and told her that I was going to start studying today and she basically said that I'm a fucking idiot for failing 3 subjects, that it isn't that difficult to study and now I'm in vacation and I have to study instead of rotting in my bed in peace. That made me mad as fuck. Yes your son is a fucking idiot! he couldn't pass those exams because he was too busy crying in his room and dealing with his stupid suicidal thoughts! and I'm really sorry that I'm a disappointment to you because you were the best student at your school!!! Goddamn it. I didn't say anything to her, I was so pissed off and frustrated that if I had tried to say a word I would've started crying like a bitch. Anyways, that's it for now. Bye, you.

The week started nicely, I was feeling happy for the first time in a while. Of course it had to be ruined by a horrible headache and stomach ache. I was going to go eat ice cream with my mum and her boyfriend last night but I wasn't feeling well. I cried out of frustration in my room, suddenly I was angry because of my physical pain. I thought about death as I do every night. I have this feeling that I'm going to die by being shot in the head while my guard is down, every night I have this weird feeling on my forehead, as if something is about to touch it and I can't sleep well. That's all for now, just needed to write it down. I'm hungry, I should go downstairs and eat breakfast while everyone is asleep. Bye, you.