So sorry for the previous post— I ate and got high to chill out so I feel better;;
Thank you for the comments and asks. ; ; I probably won’t reply cuz I don’t want to start thinking about it again and spiral. But I appreciate the kind words;;! I might DM one or two of you to try and talk. ; ;
I’m likely gonna refund my commissioners in the coming weeks so I can go on another journey to find art fun again and break out of this art block without the worry of having to complete comms looming over me. 🙇🏽♂️ (Also got Squealing Santa coming up and I wanna focus on that since it’s my first time participating!)
I apologize for the inconvenience..! I’ll talk to commissioners directly in the coming days.
The motivation to draw has been at an all time low
I fr need more artist friends to talk to because being in my own bubble with my art, ocs, sonas, selfshipping stuff, whatever is so isolating… But I’m scared.
My friend who I used to talk about my Granblue selfshipping stuff with essentially forgot about me and replaced me with a different friend.
My friend who I started talking about oc and sona stuff with again stopped talking to me about them (and kind of in general) because I shut down his crush on me.
My irls don’t really draw anymore and the one who does sometimes is in a completely different k/nk community and I don’t like talking to them about ocs too much cuz they misinterpret mine like crazy.
My partner’s sweet and let’s me talk but a lot of the time he talks over me and my brain starts screaming at me that he doesn’t actually care about what I’m saying.
I’m too socially anxious to make friends online and maintaining them is even MORE of a struggle now because of all the bullshit that’s happening with my roommate.
I feel so fucking alone in the art world and just in general…
I’m drawing things and for what? It’s not fun right now. I don’t know what I want for my art anymore because I have no one to comfortably share it with. I’ve just been going through the motions with art and doing commissions cuz the only thing fueling me wanting to draw right now is getting paid and making other’s happy which always feels nice.
But I also want art to be fun for me when I draw for myself. I feel like what I make for myself is time being wasted. Sometimes I feel like even drawing my ocs is also a waste of time. It doesn’t spark joy because looking at most of my ocs or sonas makes me sad. So then I make new ones and hope those will make me happy only to get nervous that people will get upset at my inconsistency and because I make too many ocs (it’s happened before).
I’m also tired of feeling like my (personal) art’s only desirable when it’s tickle art. It makes me want to leave the tk community so bad… but I always come back. I told myself I wouldn’t leave again this time cuz I like having a space to talk about tk stuff… But I’m feeling sore about the whole thing again.
I wish my art was good enough for me to be an FFXIV artist. But being devoid of passion for art for the past couple of months and wanting validation for my art from the tk community who’s way more supportive is making it super hard to just… Draw normal, non-tk stuff.
Most of the time I like my art and my style. But I want to be better… And idk why I hate the thought of getting better and wasting it on tickle art. So I’m just stuck doing the same shit.
I want to sell at conventions. I want to be part of a fandom’s community. I want my art to be liked outside of tickle art…
I know I went through 60 different topics in this read more and I’m so sorry if you read all of it, but I just feel so trapped… I’m not even sure if it’s seasonal depression anymore cuz these problems keep popping up too often.
After Arcane s2 ep 4-6… I’ll only say I’m not okay, but those are probably gonna be my favorite episodes of the season that I’ll re-watch MANY times. x)
I’m gonna be SO real right now. Most of the tk content I see of Jinx is her as a lee. Which I’m totally fine with! She’s always been my fave since I first played LoL years ago and I’m a huge advocate of seeing faves get tickled…
BUT!!!
There are moments in Arcane and her voicelines/disposition in League of Legends that make me believe she would be such a little MENACE as a ler…
It might just be my inner lee talking and having a huge crush on her for the longest but…
Hear me out!!! (Weird unintentional brainrot/reader fic under the cut???)
I wanna go check on my other tumblr account but I know I’m gonna get pelted with Arcane spoilers and I have to wait until later or tomorrow to watch the next few episodes grrRRAAHHH!!!
Today’s gonna be a fucking day with (bad) roommate and I’m not looking forward to it.
I had the next 3 episodes of Arcane to look forward to today as well as running treasure maps with my new guild in FFXIV potentially.
But I’m gonna have to sacrifice the maps and maybe watching the next released episodes with my friend today because (good) roommate wanted me and them to be the better person and hear out why (bad) roommate feels so intensely hurt about what happened this past Sunday that there’s so much tension in the house.
I’m doing it for (good) roommate cuz I have absolutely no idea why (bad) roommate is even hurt at all aside from (good) roommate breaking up with her. If anyone should be hurt, it should be me… She blamed ME for their break up. Told me that I’m the reason she’s moving out. Told me all this hurtful shit that will impact me for the rest of my life… But, no. SHE’S hurt and SHE needs to be listened to…
(Good) roommate will be monitoring what (bad) roommate says to me this time, but I have such a horrible feeling about it and that I’ll just wind up getting hurt again anyway cuz this stupid bitch can’t help but try and get digs in at me, even with (good) roommate there to stop it.
I just woke up and I’m already stressed and tired.
