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in another universe, I'd celebrate my birthday on my actual birthday instead of a few days before. maybe I'd be able to celebrate it with you. again. happy birthday to me (march 31) p.s. my birthday party was really fun. i found out that i actually really like taking polaroid photos of those i love. and also the fact that my crush looks really good in a dress!
In another universe, we were allowed to be children. We could shut our eyes without fear of shadows lurking beyond the door frame, or screams lighting up the quiet of the night. You wouldn't have to comb my hair or walk me to school and I wouldn't have to shove the tear stained pillow over my ears to drown out the voices. We wouldn't have to cling to the other whilst he drummed against the door with a bat, splintering the wood with every beat.
In another universe, our brains would be wired differently and we would believe in a world better than this. Our childhood would be a vivid dream bursting with rose tinted fragments instead of a blurred nightmare stuffed deep within the wrinkles of our grey matter.
In another universe, you might have stayed longer and I wouldn't have been left alone in the wasteland. You wouldn't settle and I wouldn't grind myself to the bone in order to escape. I wouldn't run away at every chance I got and you would like yourself.
In another universe, I might not know you as you are now. You'd be different and so would I. Perhaps we would know each other less and perhaps we would be all the worse for it.
In another universe I would finally be given the things I’ve been waiting for all my life. In another universe I would have been born correctly and have everything in place the way it should be, the way I need it to be but can’t reach by my own control, the way I’ve been waiting for it to end up.
In another universe, I’m whole, and I don’t have to feel this way anymore. I don’t have to be afraid of never getting to be who I’m supposed to, just because it’s not feasible for me to control the means to reach that point.
In another universe, I’m exactly who I’m meant to be. And in that universe, I’m happy for the first time in my life.
in another universe, i still have three best friends- my two friends from childhood, and the girl i met in high school who told me about a joke story she'd written over the summer the first time i met her and immediately knew i was just like her. she still wears the necklace i got her for her birthday, we still perform our favorite musical theater songs together, and she still gives me a pile of silly hand-drawn pictures for my birthday every year. in another universe, i am not waiting for the day i can finally spend time with my best friend without the one that got away pulling her away from me every chance she gets.
In another universe, I breathe easier, laugh louder, smile wider. I live simply for the joy of living.
In another universe, my family is better. I see my older brother as often as possible, and in that universe, he remembers our younger brother is not his only sibling. In that universe, my mum and my nan get along, and in that universe there are no "gifts" of single earrings, or bracelets with broken clasps. In that universe, my mums family see my dad as more than a glorified chef, and I spend family Christmas sat on the floor, leaning against my dad's legs. In that universe, my grandma is stronger, and realizes that just because my aunt has struggled, doesn't mean my mum hasn't. My mum's family is whole in that universe, and I am not stuck tearing myself apart trying to play Switzerland.
In another universe I asked him out when I knew he liked me. I wouldn't be drinking all alone on my birthday, I would be celebrating with him and our girlfriend. In another universe I allowed myself to feel confident and allowed myself to tell them how I feel. In another universe they are mine and mine alone. I would not wander the streets of my heart aimlessly seeking a replacement, but would feel complete. In another universe, maybe we'd be together, but maybe, this is the best universe; the one where I'm his best friend.
In another universe, my friend defending me from someone doesn't lead to their ex taking things that aren't about them personally
In another universe the only time I see you isn’t in my dreams. I want nothing more than to just be in your presence again, I want to hold you and never let go. I miss your giggle, I miss the way you’d have to win, I could just get lost in those eyes of yours. Maybe in another life, or maybe I’ll find someone better for me just as you’ll do the same, leaving us as just a different memory. Only time will tell if I let my past dictate my future
