Before You Scroll...

Hello! You may be someone who knows me IRL and has decided to venture this blog. I keep it pretty open and obvious due to the fact that a lot of my personal friends follow me on my main Tumblr (Q🫑). I've also shared a couple of my personal writings via reblog on my main page. 

This is mostly a space where I can write about personal things - my experiences as a plus size woman, as a single person in my 30s, a person on a journey of rediscovery. This is also an outlet to speak into an unopinionated, unbiased, echo chamber-like space. At times, I don't speak very kindly (mostly about myself). Because of that, if you do for some reason decide to scroll and explore this space, I'm okay with it (because most of my trusting friends follow me) but I do have ground rules and boundaries to set:

And that's it! Please don't let this scare you away, I think I have some good things to say and it would be great for you all to feel a more realistic and deeper connection with me. However, I completely understand if that is not the case. Thank you for reading (and maybe for scrolling) 🩷

Rant-ble.

Today I had my second panic attack in a week. I feel like I'm regressing but I know I'm not. I went through two panic-worthy things in a matter of a few days, of course I'm panicking and tired. Just feels like I shouldn't be, and that all my work has been wasted. But I'm going to keep trying.

I've been having a really, REALLY hard time recently. And I don't know how to make it stop.

CW: the usual existential dread and complaining

I found out yesterday that one of my early childhood friends died the day before. It's been so long since we saw each other, but I'm still really sad about it.

Content advisory: talks of old childhood memories, depression, and guilt.

Sometimes, I wonder if I've experienced all the true love the world has to offer me.

He died when I was 17. We had young, innocent love that was swiped away with the blast of a shotgun to his beautiful brain. Ever since, I've not been enough for anyone else.

I've wondered if there is no one in the world to love me because that's how I was made, or because I am too ugly on the outside (or maybe the inside), or that in the game of life, the cards I was dealt do not have that in my story. But when I think deeper, I realize I had love once. I had love in a sweet, funny, teddy bear football player who took himself away from this world because he couldn't stop listening to his demons. And that's when I realize - maybe I've had love once, and will never have it again, because the one whom my soul was bound to is no longer alive. They do say you have one soul mate... what if he was mine?

That sounds cruel to say, but the cruelty of the world seems to find its way into my home and make its acquaintance more often than I'd like. And honestly, if I were an animal on the brink of death, I'd rather be put out of my misery than given any sort of hope that things would get better.

TW: doom and gloom existentialism & lonely feelings

I was working at the makeup store last night and this kid (probably no more than 13 years old) came in to set up an account and buy some makeup for their band concert. We got to the name part and the adult with them (probably mom) said "oh, you might have to use your birth name" to which I told them "so long as you don't want a credit card here, you can literally use any name you want". I've never seen a kid so excited in my life. And then I found out it was their birthday week and was able to sneak in two birthday gifts. Between seeing them happy and their adult happy, it was just such a cool moment to experience. The adult even pulled me aside and said they appreciated that their first experience at the store was positive and memorable.

I don't know if I'll ever find love or be a parent, but I do hope to someday give some kid out there an opportunity to fully be their true selves, and live a life I wish I could have had.