You’re sitting at your desk. You know it’s time to go. You’ve said that to yourself over a million times, but this time you know, for sure, is real. You’re tired. You’re just so very tired.

You’re parents pissed you off. Like school wasn’t bad enough today. You go to get the rope, or the knife, or the gun or whatever you choose to use because you’re that desperate to leave. You’re ready.

You think of it as some game. The first one dead is the one who wins.

No ones home, it’s the perfect time. You’re ready. If you don’t do it now, you’re gonna look down on yourself even more, forever. You’re going to hate yourself even more. No one knows, no one will know… until later on.

Instead of getting a paper and a pen, you get the video camera, along with a chair. You’re standing on the chair. You decided to go with the rope. That way you’re gone instantly and there will be no noise.

One side of the rope is tied to the top of your fan, while the other is already around your neck. You’re in tears, you know it’s for real this time. You can feel it. You turn on the video camera and just stare at the red light blinking upon your eyes. You start to mumble out a few words.

“Mom and dad, I’m sorry. I don’t know why I’m sorry, but I’m sorry. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I’ve lost myself and I seem to not find my way back. Please don’t blame yourself, please. I love you both, please tell my siblings the same. Stay strong, and stay safe. I’ll see you all soon.”

You say sorry to your best friend because you know you won’t be there for him anymore especially when he needs you more than ever. You say sorry to everyone you could think of… even yourself. You’re sorry for not being strong anymore. You’re sorry for breaking down. You’re sorry for putting them through so much pain in their life.

You stare, once again, at the red light blinking upon your eyes. One foot is off the chair now as you begin to mouth the word goodbye. You have the remote control to turn off the camera in your right hand. Your pointer finger on the off button already. You clicked that button and as soon as you see that light go off, you go off. Both feet are now off the chair… the chair is on the floor… the room is filled with silence.

There is no going back.

Everything is over. You don’t have to live in pain anymore.

But everyone else will.

What are your parents going to think? What about your siblings? What are they going to do?

You’re gone.

You ended your life because the person of your dreams only likes you as a friend? You ended your life because that one teacher was harder on you than anyone else in the class because she knew you’re the only one that is going somewhere in life.

Your parents are home now. They call your name telling you their home, just like they normally do whenever they get home…. but something’s different. You don’t answer. They don’t hear your voice. They get worried. You always answer. They come upstairs thinking your sleeping or showering. Your Mom opens your bedroom door and screams at the top of her lungs. She instantly passes out. Now your sister or brother comes up after her. They scream “DADDY HELP!” They run over to you hitting your leg begging you to wake up. “WAKE UP, WAKE UP. PLEASE STOP WAKE UP”. But you don’t answer, you’re not waking up.

Your dad comes running upstairs and all he could do is stare. He watches his baby boy swing back and forth on a rope. He sees the video camera and he sees the chair. But he doesn’t move. He cries…. Your dad never cries. He picks up the phone and calls 911. He can barely get the words “My son committed suicide.” out of his mouth. He’s in tears. Your little sister stares at your dad. Your dad hangs up and your little sister jumps into your dad’s arms, crying harder than ever.

She’s too young to understand completely, but she knows you’re gone. She knows you’re dead. There is no going back.

Everything is over.

The police finally arrive. They push your dad and sister out of your room and sit them in the living room. They take your body down off those ropes and lay you on the stretcher. They cover your body and out you go. Just like that.

Nothing is the same.

Two weeks have passed and your Mom still stares out the window more than half of the day. Your little sister still hasn’t returned to school. Your Dad is forced to go to work so he can pay all the bills for your funeral. Eventually, they found to strength to go into your room. Your door hasn’t been open for months. The rope is still laying on the floor and the video camera is still sitting on the table. They don’t even dare to watch the video, it will never be seen. They slowly pick up the rope and throw it in the trash. Chills run up their spine, your Mom basically in tears. They brush off your bed, making it tidy. Like they used to do every morning after you went to school. Your bed was made and your room was clean. They shut the door, and it remained shut.

Your school is still in distress. You thought no one cared and you thought no one noticed you. Remember that girl that said no to being your science partner? Yeah she cuts every single night now because she thinks it’s her fault you died. What about the boy that tripped you over by accident and didn’t say sorry? Yeah he’s in suicidal therapy 5 days a week in a hospital because he feels a smile could of saved your life and he didn’t give that to you. Remember the teacher that was hard on you that day? She quit her job because she felt she wasn’t suited to teach anymore.

4 years have passed now. Your little sister is now 15 years old. She started a club in her school dedicated to you. “Secrets” is what she calls it. The club is formed for kids to speak their hearts, without anyone judging them. They can say anything they want to, and talk about anything they needed to. If they were suicidal, they always had someone.

That was your problem. You didn’t want to talk to anyone. You had everything bottled up inside of you. You acted as if you were the happiest person on the planet and you acted as if you had the perfect life. You played that character so well that even you started to believe it. You would be so “happy” all day and as soon as you layed in bed at night, the thoughts came back. A little fight between you and your parents could have set you off. But with everything inside of you bottled up for years, you just hit your limits.

Your room will never be occupied. Your mom still cries every single night. Your dad isn’t as strong as he used to be. Your little sister will never grow up with you by her side moving her in the right direction. She needed you. Your best friend is still torn up. He needed you. Your parents needed you. Your school now has a club dedicated to you so teens will not make the same mistake you did. Your life was precious and you took it away in the blink of an eye. All you needed was a smile, that’s all you needed to show you that everything was going to be okay. But since you’re gone, just know people cared. People always have cared. You were just way too upset to see that back then. You were just too caught up in the fact that you thought no one cared… when the truth was, more people cared about you that you ever thought they would. You know what sucks? It sucks that you see that now that you’re gone and you didn’t see that when you were still here. Your town will never be the same. A girl/boy is gone, a special girl/boy who thought no one cared. Everyone cared. I promise you. They care, they always have cared and they always will care. People love you, and no matter what, they will still always love you.

Tomorrow is a precious, wonderful day and you should be alive to see it.

suicide is the one mistake you won’t live to regret

If any of you ever need anyone to talk to I’m always here.

Even if you’re only a little upset, or had a bad day.

Even if you live in a different country.

Even if it’s 5 am and you don’t have anyone to talk to.

I’m here.

I care about you and love you. 

Stay strong.