SINGLE, ENGAGED, MARRIED, MARRIED SINGLE

SINGLE, ENGAGED, MARRIED, MARRIED SINGLE A Psycho-Philosophical Tracing Out of the Reason for Distorted Inter Personal Relationships Mathew Praful OIC Introduction Human embryo from the point of its conception begins its journey into the world by attaching to and detaching from a variety of relationships. The umbilical cord is its first physical manifestation of concrete relation; however on attaining full growth and nourishment it detaches itself from the umbilical cord. Further a bond is crafted with its mother, the owner of the womb, which provided a safe haven for the child in the immediate past. In the due course of its development into adolescence, youth, and adulthood, a couple of relationships are attached and detached. This is a gradual process. The culmination or climax of this process happens when a person decides to make a permanent attachment to a single person by creating an invisible bond of relation through the institution of marriage. Over here, the bonding parties become one flesh, thereby perfecting the bond of marriage. In the words of Hegel, marriage is an identification of the unity pre-existent in one’s own consciousness, and the strength of the bond depends on the extent to which a person recognizes oneself not as a person but as a member within this unity which culminates to be the absolute essence of oneself. Hegel, Philosophy of Right, 158 However this classical understanding of relation within the structured institution of marriage seems to be vague in today’s scenario unstable and distorted marital bonding. This article tries to trace out psychological and philosophical reasons for this instability in relation based on the attachment theory proposed by John Bowlby. Bowlby’s Attachment Theory John Bowlby developed a theory of attachment to explore how the instinctive connection and interaction of a mother-child dyad led to the emergence of a pattern of relating. A child’s bond with his or her mother becomes an internal working model for all interpersonal relationships, Siegel, The developing mind, 109 and becomes explicitly manifested when this child grows up and enters a marital relationship. There are four categories of attachment styles. They are named as the avoidant or dismissing style (mother is consistently unavailable), the resistant or preoccupied (inconsistently available mother), the disorganized or disoriented (mother is frightening) and a secure attachment, which grows through consistently available care and attunement, is the healthiest of these categories Beck, “Communion and Complaint”, 43. The first three are insecure styles, and denote a deficit in emotional regulation from mother, while the fourth category is the healthiest of all. These attachment styles denote how well a person can maintain a sense of security through proximity with a mother, while also stepping out into the world. An individual with avoidant or dismissing attachment style, becomes a fearful individual who have a low view of self and others, and are highly dependent on others for validation of their self-worth, but avoid intimacy due to possible rejection; those individuals with resistant or preoccupied attachment style become preoccupied individuals with a low view of the self, but a positive view of others, and who seek excessive and merging proximity to others; an individual with disorganized or disoriented attachment style become a dismissing individual with a high view of the self and a negative view of others, who value independence and avoid connection as a defense mechanism;; and those individuals with a secure attachment style become secure individuals who are comfortable with intimacy, and have a favorable view of the self and others. Griffin, “Models of the Self and Other”, 431 In addition, preoccupied individuals tend to blame themselves when feeling rejected, thus protecting their high view of others, while dismissive individuals downplay the significance of others whom they experience as rejecting in order to maintain a positive view of their own self. While these categories are malleable, they are tendencies that shape adult interpersonal relationships. Bowlby adds that early memories of repeated interactions with ones mother are stored as implicit, pre-verbal memories, and become character traits. We act, feel, and imagine without recognition of the influence of past experience on our present reality. This is why relational patterns in adolescence and adulthood become difficult to explain as there is no explicit memory of the origin of events. Broken families and attachment theory Bowly’s attachment theory can be used as a logical reason behind growing number of divorce and dissatisfaction within the marriage bond. When those individual belonging to the first three categories enter into a marriage bond, their capacity for emotional regulation and a stable attachment is feeble. Such individuals adapts and manipulates their emotional expressions in a manner that maintains ones proximity to the means of survival, pleasure and satisfaction, but at the same time bracket themselves from painful emotions thereby leading to an insecure attachment and a diminished need for human relatedness. Thus, to an extent, the root cause of all the broken relationship lies in the nurturing of an individual by ones mother. The better the nourishment and care provided, the better an individual grows in ones relatedness to the other. Most probably it is from this idea that the famous saying in almost all languages start, “If you have drunk the milk of your mother….” Milk over here symbolizes, the deepest care provided by a mother. In most cases the lineage of broken relations and marriage form a cycle, one begets the other. Conclusion Attachment theory provides a logical reasoning for the growing number of divorces in the society, making one aware of the hidden emotions that have shaped one’s capacity for intimacy. No marriages or families are isolated in themselves; each is a fruit of the past and a seed for the next. Healthy marriages and families are an outcome of and a foundation of a secure attachment style developing a sense of well being and a feeling of being truly alive. The recognition and awareness of the impact of childhood and adult attachment styles is helpful for priests and religious who desire to guide the faithful towards developing a mature and robust marital bond that leads to a sense of well-being. References Beck, R. “Communion and Complaint: Attachment, Object-Relations, and Triangular Love Perspectives On Relationship With God,” in Journal of Psychology and Theology, 34(1), 2006, 43-52 Griffin, D. W., and Bartholomew, K. “Models of the Self and Other: Fundamental Underlying Measures of Adult Attachment”, in Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 67(3), 1994, 430-445 Siegel, D. The Developing Mind: How Relationships and the Brain Interact to Shape Who We Are. New York: Guilford Publications, 2012