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A Memoir of My Reading

2024, On_Culture

Surveying nearly seven decades of habitual and obsessive reading, I consider how my character and psychology used reading to shape philosophical questions that move me into forms in which I could pursue them by reading. This became both the method and the substance of my philosophical work. It preserved some core emotional issues but also gave me the way to integrate them into scholarship and into my life. https://www.on-culture.org/journal/issue-16/a-memoir-of-my-reading/

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Memoir of My Reading -On_Culture https://www.on-culture.org/journal/issue-16/a-memoir... of 22 5/31/2024, 7:51 AM took a bus, �lled with ladies in hats and gloves riding downtown for department-store shopping, to the very large Los Angeles Central Public Library. I never failed to enter the philosophy department, guarded by twin black basalt statues of Akhenaton and the Oracle of Eleusis, on either side of the stairway to its door. As much as the books, I read the people there. They were a sampling of the various eccentrics, creative geniuses, and cranks with whom Los Angeles was fertile. Old and strange, young and wild, they were part of the busy and consequential intellectual life that grew in that improbable city throughout the twentieth century.

In my last year of high school I was permitted to enroll in courses at the circumstances generated a view of life as a dichotomy between the inward that endured, to be enjoyed, and the outward that was swept away, to be feared. It became an adventure that has staggered me. I enjoyed it, and still do, though my binaries have softened and blurred; but it does not cease to be a burden and to raise the question of how to understand who I am in the present world while simultaneously forming me into what I have been.

At each of these stages-the beige rocks and lizards of the sandy dry wash in the suburbs, the small-town public libraries my mother and I went to, then the Central Library, the vast research library at UCLA-my reading �owed around obstacles in search of more sophisticated books. As a child I had to beg for permission to go into the "Adult" section of the public library. No one around That world included a pleasurable past but it also include the strife of ideas along the line of conceptualized versions of the split in my affects. Such strife seemed safe, and safer than the strife in my home and in the world at that time. But nevertheless it required a struggle with myself. The accusation by others that I read so much that I was impractical and anti-social contributed to this. Thus I came to feel that who I most am was a problem, a dysfunction.

This was an inner belief, according to which I reject myself. I could not view a problem that I caused without facing the more unsolvable problem of bookish ill-�tting brainy me. My mother's love of books became my lifelong psychic and existential package of philosophical concerns. As I was soon to enter college, the value of learning that I felt as a Jew had summoned con�icts with a wider import, portending a scholarly agenda but also weighing on me as con�icts for the resolution of which I had one resource. But the con�icts themselves were raveled right into this resource, the adventure and practice of reading.

In college two libraries facing me opened up another dimension of this con�ict because the con�ict in me had become ready to expand. One was the general library, Sterling, an immense rectangular stone tower topped by steel castellations, with more than twelve million books, and the other was one of the most exquisite rare books and special collections library buildings in the

Memoir of My Reading -On_Culture https://www.on-culture.org/journal/issue-16/a-memoir...

Memoir of My Reading -On_Culture https://www.on-culture.org/journal/issue-16/a-memoir...