Grim Fairy Tale #737: The Up and Down Adventures of MAX

Grim Fairy Tale #737: The Up and Down Adventures of MAX A short allegory about aviation that may provide, as the reader chooses, diversion or direction. Once upon a time, there was a flying squirrel named MAX. He came from a long line of aviators, and was part of extended family including other MAXes (MAX 7 through MAX 10). MAX dreamed that he would become an especially admired and wealthy aviator, hob-knobbing with the most prestigious heir lines and, as is the wont of a squirrel, squiring heiresses. But MAX worried about his deficiencies: his legs were too short to keep his Lipid-Enriched Adipose Potbelly (LEAP) ungrounded; and his tail was too small for stability during flight. So MAX went to Vietnamese-American Dr. Bo Ng Nutt. The good doctor suggested minor leg and tail surgery, but MAX begged for a cheap, quick fix. Doctor Nutt quickly obliged, told MAX that “clothes make the squirrel,” and prescribed attire that could hide a flightless penguin in flying squirrel clothing. Nevertheless, MAX lacked the confidence of a Pilot In Command. Dr. Nutt proposed therapy, to learn book and stick, and then be a PIC. The book learning required much arithmetic. First problem: At 280 knots and a 20-degree pitch angle, if your throttle and trim are set to rise 2,000 feet per minute, what’s your Angle Of Attack? MAX called out “16 degrees!” Second problem: Same speed and pitch, but now descending at 2,000 fpm. What’s your new AOA? MAX exclaimed “24 degrees!” Third problem: Same situation, 5,000 feet above ground; estimate time to impact. MAX said “2.5 minutes” just in time. MAX was glad to pass the book test, and Mrs. Nutt invited him to lunch with her large family’s little Nutts. She cooked and served her famous personal-size chickens, much tinier than smallish hens; loved by all, with perfectly nutty flavor and not a tough shell; MAX wanted seconds. For MAX’s stick test, he took along a sturdy branch, and Dr. Nutt’s daughter Nuttella as his co-pilot. They flew well, as long as MAX didn’t raise his nose or lower his tail. When he forgot, he struggled mightily with the stick, like a PIC losing his command. Seeing danger, Nuttella tried to help with the stick, but found it would do absolutely nuttin’. MAX pushed his nose down, saw no air below, and bounced along the ground painfully, boing boing boing. Returning to Dr. Nutt, MAX made excuses by telling a tale. Eventually, MAX put his tale between his legs, and nearly admitted to a possible minor error. Dr. Nutt said no problem, none at all. He gave MAX a Maneuvering Contrivance for Aviating Squirrels (MCAS) and certified him as being sufficiently trained to fly. Dr. Nutt also prescribed an acorn a day to keep MAX away, allowing Doc to increase his income by spending more time with other MAXes. MAX resumed flying daily and gayly, usually with passengers such as the young Nutts on his back. Mrs. Nutt sent each child with a chicken to eat after landing, to celebrate a successful flight. On one of those days, Mrs. Nutt looked out her window and saw MAX. He was flying toward her, nose-down and low. MAX’s explosive impact left zero souls on board and in the tree-home, no survivors. Nobody to live happily ever after. The poor little Nutts never had a chance to eat Mrs. Nutt’s delicious chickens. Since every Grim Fairy Tale has a moral, here it is: “Don’t save your chicken when you fly a MAX.” (See “Defer Boeing 737 MAX Recertification” for details regarding the MAX problem.)