Less Is More: 25 Movies That Needed Female Nudity
You know what would have saved The Roommate, out this week on DVD and Blu-ray? Some butt-nakedness. The same goes for the rest of these movie fails.
Image via Complex Original
Yesterday, The Roommate hit DVD/Blu-ray shelves, and we’re not happy about it. The people responsible for both the standard and Blu-ray editions should be ashamed of themselves—nowhere on either disc is a special feature titled “Slumber Party: The Stuff Guys Really Wanted To See,” in which stars Minka Kelly, Leighton Meester, and Alyson Michalka prance around nude their dorm room, walking atop their lingerie that’s sprawled out all over the floor.
All right, so that’s a supplement that only exists in our wildest dreams. But it definitely would have brought some much-needed enjoyment to what’s merely a trite and unsexy thriller for teenyboppers who DVR everything on The CW. The Roommate falls right in line with several other girl-heavy movies that have suffered from a distinct lack of women’s birthday suits, the ultimate equalizer for otherwise lame chick flicks, horrible superheroine exercises, and sexually-charged yet hardly arousing dramas.
Need some examples? Not a problem. Here ‘s our heavily researched list of the 25 Movies That Needed Female Nudity, which should serve as a cautionary click-through for the next film producer looking to broaden projects dominated by women.
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Yesterday, The Roommate hit DVD shelves, and we’re not happy about it. The people responsible for both the standard and Blu-ray editions should be ashamed of themselves—nowhere on either disc is a special feature titled “Slumber Party: The Stuff Guys Really Wanted To See,” in which stars Minka Kelly, Leighton Meester, and Alyson Michalka prance around nude their dorm room, walking all over their lingerie that’s sprawled out all over the floor.
Alright, so that’s a supplement that only exists in our wildest dreams. But it definitely would have brought some much-needed enjoyment to what’s merely a trite and unsexy thriller for teenyboppers who DVR everything on The CW. The Roommate falls right in line with several other girl-heavy movies that have suffered from a distinct lack women’s birthday suits, the ultimate equalizer for otherwise lame chick flicks, horrible superheroine exercises, and sexually charged yet hardly arousing dramas.
Need some examples? Not a problem. Here ‘s our heavily researched list of the 25 Movies That Needed Female Nudity, which should serve as a cautionary click-through for the next film producer looking to broaden projects dominated by women.
RELATED: The Most Ludicrous Softcore Porn Movies Streaming On Netflix
Burlesque
25. BURLESQUE (2010)
In the case of Burlesque, the simple insertion of nude scenes probably wouldn’t have saved Christina Aguilera’s unsuccessful acting debut from unquestionable wackness. Even if the chicks singing and dancing were showing some nip, the songs would still grate ears, the dialogue wouldn’t sound any less elementary, and a lobotomized human vegetable could still predict the script’s every beat.
Really, Burlesque needed a complete overhaul. The solution we’d have suggested if brought on as consultants: run the screenplay through a paper shredder and start on a whole new one, titled Showgirls 2: Show More. One of these days, some Hollywood studio is going to wise up and join the Complex game.
The Women
24. THE WOMEN (2008)
This one’s a no-brainer. Starring an all-female lineup of big names, The Women is only notable for its complete lack of male actors; seriously, the only boy seen on camera is an infant. There’s no way that feminist groups could label the film’s vicious critics as “sexist,” though; with a dull script hindered by half-assed jokes and seemingly bored actresses, The Women was harassed by reviewers before disappearing from multiplexes with rapidity.
The film’s cast, which includes lookers Meg Ryan, Eva Mendes, and Jada Pinkett Smith, didn’t seem to give a shit, so who knows—maybe they would’ve all dropped garb and turned The Women into a real event movie for Hollywood’s estrogen sect.
Josie And The Pussycats
23. JOSIE AND THE PUSSYCATS (2001)
Going into this perky comedy, one might expect a flick that could motivate young girls longing to become rock stars, or make close-minded dudes reconsider all of those old jokes at Lilith Fair’s expense. Instead of a fun, musical romp, though, Josie And The Pussycats boasts an overly bubbly performance from Rosario Dawson and an extra-ditzy Tara Reid alongside a slew of other grating characters. And the songs are the type that incubate in your head and lay rotten eggs.
We’re pretty sure that girl groups with only sexy members have plenty of groupies, an aspect that the makers of this forgettable movie overlooked—there’s ample opportunity for sex scenes, albeit in an R-rated version. Though, our warped minds keep casting ladies in the star-struck, and willing to do anything, fan roles.
The Love Guru
22. THE LOVE GURU (2008)
Like anyone else who’s had the misfortune of seeing Mike Myers’ appallingly bad The Love Guru, we’ve spent every day since our viewing trying to erase the piece of cinematic excrement from our minds. The only aspects of Myers’ epic catastrophe worth remembering are Jessica Alba’s commendably passable performance as the guru’s love interest and Meagan Good’s bikini scene, which you can check out above.
Neither actress is transformative enough to save The Love Guru, yet one can’t help but imagine how much better this unfunny comedy would be had Alba and Good found ways to lets their twins out to play. Shit, Good’s two wonderful, God-given co-stars are practically begging to come out of that bathing suit top. If Myers hadn’t been so busy failing, he’d have noticed.
Waiting To Exhale
21. WAITING TO EXHALE (1995)
OK, so maybe we’ve shed a tear or two while watching Waiting To Exhale with our girls, or just possible jumpoffs we hoped to impress while curled up on couches for Blockbuster nights. What can we say, it’s a pretty emotional flick!
But you know what’d really make us weep? Getting to see what cougar hall-of-famer Angela Bassett was hiding under her black lingerie. We considered putting How Stella Got Her Groove Back on this list for the same reason, but the thought of female nudity in a movie co-starring Whoopi Goldberg was too risky. Signals could get crossed, and, before you know it, Whoopi is showing her whoppers and we’re ready to hurl.
The Roommate
20. THE ROOMMATE (2011)
Hell, in this case, we would’ve settled for an R-rating and all of the not-even-softcore sexual tension that would’ve resulted. But with its PG-13 rating, The Roommate posited itself as a Single White Female for the Gossip Girl fan club, complete with an overacting Leighton Meester as a loony co-ed obsessed with her sexy new dorm-mate (Minka Kelly).
Had The Roommate been made for Skinemax airings, several of the movie’s key scenes could’ve been milked for all of their suggestive goodness. Take a scene in which Meester plays with Kelly’s hair while the two cuddle like sisters in bed—so many obvious lingerie-off, girl-on-girl possibilities. Or the shower scene where Alyson Michalka gets terrorized before her belly-button ring is ripped off; pan the camera back, show the birthday suit, and put the ring elsewhere. You fill in the blanks.
Bring It On
19. BRING IT ON (2000)
Bring It On is the bubbly and irritating movie that high school cheerleaders dragged their boyfriends to see, just to exclaim, “See, cheerleading is a sport!” Meanwhile, the whipped dudes were thinking, “Where’s the locker room shower scene? It’s bad enough that peep-hole I cut out at school is too low and only shows ankles!”
It’s the ultimate teenage boy’s fantasy: getting a front-bench seat into the girls locker den after cheerleading practice just as the hot water is turned on and the towels hit the ground. Every other aspect of the pom-pom activity is covered in Bring It On except the post-routine cleansing rituals. Why? Because the producers wanted this teen comedy to reach the masses, not just pervy guys who never got any between grades 9-12. Some guys never win.
The Wicker Man
18. THE WICKER MAN (2006)
Neil LaBute’s ill-advised remake of the brilliant 1973 British horror flick The Wicker Man needed a hell of a lot more than just female nudity. Try, a different director, a leading man not named Nicolas Cage and whose acting career hasn’t devolved into a bad joke, and less bear costumes. Actually, LaBute and his partners in moviemaking crime should’ve never touched the strange and mesmerizing original.
They did, though, because Hollywood’s least creative suits have yet to come across a potential genre reboot they didn’t want to botch. The only way to salvage The Wicker Man is to imagine your own version, one in which the all-female cult’s younger members practice rituals and chant to harvest gods while in the buck-naked. Cage would yell “The boobies!” instead of his now-infamous and horribly delivered line “The bees!"
Blue Crush
17. BLUE CRUSH (2002)
Female surfers, as a rule, are toned, fans of minimal clothing, and attractive, which is definitely the case in this adequate drama about a board-riding chick who falls for a football player. Kate Bosworth plays the main surfer girl, while Michelle Rodriguez and the lesser known, but damn cute, Sanoe Lake co-star as her best friends. And, yes, all three of them spend the majority of Blue Crush in two-piece swimwear. So there’s that.
Yet we find it hard to believe that the ladies are able to ride ferocious waves without their tied-on bikini tops ever coming undone. Shots of that nature would’ve given Blue Crush a fair amount of believability, at least in our eyes. Shit, we could’ve accepted a “Bloopers reel” on the DVD dedicated to just that. We’re not fussy.
And Soon The Darkness
16. AND SOON THE DARKNESS (2010)
The marketing team that worked last year’s straight-to-DVD crapfest And Soon The Darkness knew exactly what they were selling.
Before any trailers debuted or critics’ screenings were scheduled, promotional images of stars Amber Heard and Odette Yustman palling around in teeny two-piece bikinis were circulated throughout the film blogosphere. As a result, a publicist could’ve told us that And Soon The Darkness was a musical choreographed by Richard Simmons and we still would’ve been clamoring to see it for ourselves.
Turns out, it’s merely another shitty genre remake devoid of fresh ideas and made by folks unwilling to dupe the ridiculously hot actresses into doing nudity for “artistic” reasons. Just look at the pic above; has the movie’s director, Marcos Efron, never heard of topless sunbathing?
Crossroads
15. CROSSROADS (2002)
Britney Spears has plenty to be embarrassed about, including shaving her head bald, attacking paparazzi with an umbrella, smoking cigarettes near her baby, and other public offenses we’ll leave to grudge-holding gossip bloggers. These days, though, we’re pro-Brit, thanks to her recent string of knockout pop records—admit it, “Till The World Ends” is crack.
Before we absolve Spears of her past transgressions, however, we must spit venom upon Crossroads, her incredibly cheesy acting debut. Predictable and overly melodramatic, it’s a painful road movie—co-starring Taryn Manning and a pre-notoriety Zoe Saldana—that makes Degrassi: The Next Generation seem like Skins.
Speaking of skin (zing!), Crossroads does have a hotel scene that could benefit from a shower interlude, preferably one in which all three gals hop in together to save time. They are trying to make it to Los Angeles—it’s all about plot here, people.
The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants 2
14. THE SISTERHOOD OF THE TRAVELING PANTS 2 (2008)
Why choose The Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants 2 over the first one? It’s simple, really: In the sequel, the characters are in college, not high school. Legalities, baby!
Admittedly, we’ve never actually seen either movie; A, because we’re not 14-year-old girls, and, B, because we’re well aware that the whole “traveling pants” thing is just a clever title ploy. At no point in either one do stars Blake Lively, Alexis Biedel, America Ferrera, and Amber Tamblyn do the no-pants dance, or even the tops-off tango. If they did, perhaps we’d tap into our feminine sides and get to know their characters. It’s never too late for a third, more aggressive movie.
Full Frontal
13. FULL FRONTAL (2002)
Julia Roberts has done it all—received multiple Oscar nominations, won one for Best Actress, topped Hollywood power lists, and proven herself to be one of the few financially bankable A-list actresses in the industry. But there is one thing we’ve been hoping Roberts would do ever since his cutesy turn as a hooker in 1990’s Pretty Woman: show us the award-worthy goods underneath all of those business suits and designer dresses.
When she played a dual role in Steven Soderbergh’s low-budget, film-within-a-film dramedy Full Frontal, it seemed as if our dreams were finally about to be fulfilled—it’s called Full Frontal, for crying out loud! But it turns out that the title is just some metaphorical term alluding to how the movie exposes the film industry’s inner workings, or something to that effect. Alas, still no nudie Roberts, and yet another meta Hollywood flick that’s more pretentious than entertaining.
Black Swan
12. BLACK SWAN (2010)
You might be wondering, “Why mess with greatness?” And we can’t blame one for thinking that; as is, the tonsil hockey matchup between Natalie Portman and Mila Kunis in Darren Aronofsky’s Academy Award-nominated Black Swan is one of the hottest mainstream movie scenes of all time.
But, come on—had Aronofsky stood further back in the bedroom and showed the triumphant lesbian sequence in all of its un-manipulated glory, Black Swan would be a cinematic classic, right up there with Citizen Kane, The Godfather, and Apocalypse Now. It also would’ve easily bested The King’s Speech and earned the big awards; after all, the Academy’s male voters have hormones, too.
Valentine
11. VALENTINE (2001)
Released a bit too late for its own good, the totally atrocious Valentine hopped on Hollywood’s post-Scream, masked-killer-on-the-loose bandwagon a year after Scary Movie lampooned the slasher genre. Only notable for its bevy of gorgeous stars, including Marley Shelton, Denise Richards, and Katherine Heigl (back when she was smoking hot), Valentine isn’t even well-made enough to churn any campy fun out of its cliché-ridden script.
If only the filmmakers had ripped off pre-Scream slasher flicks; you know, the ones that encouraged soon-to-be female victims to have rampant sex, take long showers, and evade the killer while topless. It’s not like Denise Richards wouldn’t have been down for the cause; we’ve all seen—better yet , ogled—Wild Things, right?
Supergirl
10. SUPERGIRL (1984)
The recent death of Adrianne Palicki’s Wonder Woman television pilot is the latest death knell for female superheroes; at this rate, we may never see a great heroine movie and/or TV show. It’s safe to assume that producers cite this 1984 travesty whenever questioning the potential of a girly comic book movie, no doubt quick to point out Supergirl’s laughable effects and miscast star, Helen Slater, who looks sexy as hell in tights but couldn’t act to save her life, let alone “the day.”
The director, Jeannot Szwarc, should’ve just called Roger Corman for advice and gone full-blown camp—we’re talking Slater flying through the air wearing only the red cape, before landing on the ground and exerting tons of physical motion while punching baddies and going chest-to-chest with the villainous Faye Dunaway.
Sucker Punch
9. SUCKER PUNCH (2011)
For all of the wild imagination and scatterbrained ambition Zack Snyder poured into Sucker Punch, it’s curious how he totally ignored the fact that most of this ass-kicking chicks flick takes place inside an imaginary brothel.
Nude call girls are about the only things Snyder doesn’t toss into Sucker Punch for horny male viewers’ sakes. Throughout the film, the sexy actresses—Emily Browning, Jena Malone, Abbie Cornish, Vanessa Hudgens, and Jamie Chung—parade around in lingerie, schoolgirl outfits, and provocative military garb. The beauties bust guns and swing samurai swords all while Snyder catches their bodily gyrations in slo-mo close-ups.
None of the script makes sense, anyway, so Snyder should’ve just gone for broke and made the setting an “all nude, all the time” brothel. That way, we would’ve been too distracted to question the movie’s pointless dragons, Nazi zombies, and appearance by Mad Men’s Jon Hamm.
Jennifer's Body
8. JENNIFER’S BODY (2009)
Having become a pop culture sensation after 2007’s Transformers, Megan Fox knew that she’d eventually need to prove her star power in a leading role. Sadly, she chose Juno screenwriter Diablo Cody’s all-kinds-of-bad second script Jennifer’s Body as her first big, headlining look.
Fox plays a popular high school cheerleader who suffers demonic possession, loses her inhibitions, tongues down Amanda Seyfried, and literally eats teenage boys’ hearts. It’d be overzealous to wish that she’d commit all of the character’s heinous acts while nude, but there’s one scene in particular that screams for some nudity.
At one point, Fox’s Jennifer emerges from a lake stark naked, only her breasts are covered by her long black hair, rendering the sequence a soft PG-13. Rumor has it that the bit was originally shot as a nipple-exposed showstopper. Call us when there’s a Jennifer’s Body Director’s Cut DVD.
Spice World
7. SPICE WORLD (1997)
It was bad enough that we had to endure all of the Spice Girls’ music on popular radio stations and MTV. By the time their lame cash-in movie, Spice World, hit theaters, the British quintet’s all-media takeover was in full swing, and, unfortunately, Scary, Posh, Ginger, Sporty, Baby, Teasy, and Flirty (OK, we might be imagining a couple of them) showed no signs of giving in to male wishes.
If you’re ever looking to challenge a guy friend to a bet, offer him some ridiculous amount of cash to watch this interminable slog of obnoxious humor and ungenerous sexuality without hitting the remote control’s fast-forward button. Then, count the minutes before he says, “I wish they’d just get naked already—this shit is brutal.”
Spice World’s plot centers on the girls’ misadventures leading up to a big London concert, and it’s most out-of-place bits are random dream sequences. In our remake, Freddy Krueger would show up and slice their bra-straps with his glove-of-knives, before high-fiving us and flashing a thumb-knife up as Scary and Ginger sing about each other's bosoms. Tell us you wouldn’t pay to see that.
Bitch Slap
6. BITCH SLAP (2009)
Can you say “epic fail”? For nearly a year prior to Bitch Slap’s straight-to-DVD release, the movie’s producers were hyping it up as a sleazy, sexy, and balls-out throwback to old-school exploitation cinema. In other words, a shameless transport back to a time when drive-in theaters showed flicks in which sexy women kicked ass, took names, and showed all of their fleshy attributes.
So, logically, we copped the DVD on its initial release day; once we’d finished watching Bitch Slap, the realization that we’d been pimp-slapped was unavoidable. Sure, the chicks in this low-grade romp are insanely hot, and a few of them even make-out. But, seriously...zero nudity? Forget a bitch slap—we got jerked.
After Sex
5. AFTER SEX (2007)
Unbeknownst to many, Black Swan wasn’t Mila Kunis’ first sexual experiment with another respectable Hollywood actress. In 2007, she teamed up with Zoe Saldana to portray a bi-curious girl and an openly-gay seductress, respectively, in the lo-fi indie flick After Sex.
The dialogue-heavy pic features nine brief segments dedicated to the various difficulties surrounding modern-day relationships, though we’re only concerned with the scenes involving Kunis and Saldana. As a confident and sultry temptress, Saldana overpowers Kunis’ character, a wide-eyed beauty who’s looking to try out new things sexually.
Under normal circumstances, we’d accept the fact that a couple of marquee names like Kunis and Saldana aren’t going to roll around in bed together naked in a film any time soon. But check out this sample dialogue, said by Kunis: “How does pussy taste like?” You’re telling us they couldn’t follow that up with some nudity?
Catwoman
4. CATWOMAN (2004)
Back in 2001, the thriller Swordfish made headlines thanks to Halle Berry’s brief, yet still immaculate, topless scene. How was the rest of the movie? Hell if we know; we headed for the exit once she covered herself back up about 20 minutes into the flick.
That scene is amazing, of course; yet, in hindsight, we wish Berry would’ve held off for three more years and saved the breast exposure for her notoriously rotten bomb Catwoman. Her ripped-up latex costume pretty much demands it, especially whenever Sharon Stone’s villain character pushes up on Catwoman and voices threats in a raspy, come-hither tone, which happens more than once.
D.E.B.S.
3. D.E.B.S. (2004)
Any guy who’s ever fantasized about chicks in schoolgirl outfits already knows about the financial bomb that was D.E.B.S. Playing professionally trained spies, the hot-ass quartet of Meagan Good, Sara Foster, Devon Aoki, and Jill Ritchie tote guns while showing tons of cleavage and leg in private-school-like skirts, high white socks, and partially buttoned button-ups. Foster even has a steamy love affair with the film’s villain, played by the also hot Jordana Brewster.
Enjoyable in a campy way, D.E.B.S. is ultimately an unfair tease; as we watch this uneven comedy, it’s impossible to not wish the director would just accept the fact that the jokes aren’t funny and the wardrobe is just distracting and simply turn the production into some kind of fetishist schoolgirl porn. Set in an all-ladies academy, of course.
D.O.A.: Dead Or Alive
1. D.O.A.: DEAD OR ALIVE (2006)
A cinematic turkey of the highest order, D.O.A.: Dead Or Alive was destined to fail. Let’s run through some of its many problems. One, it was produced by hack extraordinaire Paul W.S. Anderson, who’s only so-so flick, 1997’s Event Horizon, is utterly derivative. Two, it’s based on a video game, and how often do those kinds of movies exceed pure crap? Three, and this is the worst one of all, it’s a fanboy-targeting T&A fest about ass-kicking hotties and it’s rated PG-13. More like “dead on arrival.”
Unless the producers, cast, and crew were all sniffing rocks during post-production, there’s no way they could’ve watched the film in the editing room and expected it to make any box office noise. Thus, they should’ve threw nerdy gamers a bone (in more ways than one) and reshot all of the fight scenes with the sexy actresses (namely Holly Valance and Jaime Pressly) in the buff. “Dills on alert,” anyone?
Vicky Cristina Barcelona
2. VICKY CRISTINA BARCELONA (2008)
We’ll be honest: Any movie starring Scarlett Johansson would improve tremendously if there was some womanly nakedness afoot. Well, except Home Alone 3—that’d be more than a little inappropriate.
If you think about it, there’s only one obvious choice for the ScarJo flick that’d most benefit from skin exhibition: Woody Allen’s Vicky Cristina Barcelona, in which Johansson makes out with Penelope Cruz for a few brief, though much appreciated, seconds.
Too bad our dude Woody is so concerned with details such as credibility, cinematic excellence, and storytelling; if he were more Complex, the entire second act of Vicky Cristina Barcelona would consist of one long, unrestricted, and clothing-light Johansson/Cruz love scene. In reality, though, the best we can hope for is a looped GIF of said kiss.