Make It Last Forever: The Dos and Don'ts

CHAPTER ONE

SOMETHING JUST AIN’T RIGHT

One of the common issues I have come across is people in relationships when they should not be in a relationship. These people carry baggage so large that they would have to pay extra if they tried to check it at the airport. And yet they wonder why every relationship they have goes South.

The bottom line is this: Sometimes we simply are not ready to be in a relationship. We have to ask ourselves if we are good with whom we are at a particular moment—and then give an honest answer, which is not always easy because one of the most difficult things to do is to admit flaws in ourselves.

Are you comfortable with where you are in your life, confident that you can interact with someone without holding on to past drama? Lots of us say we are, when, in reality, we are far from that.

If a past dishonest boyfriend impacts how you view the next man in your life, then maybe you should try to figure out how to get beyond that pain before embarking on a new relationship. You think? And you know why? Because that new guy did not disappoint you and has not earned your wrath. Eventually he will say to himself: Something just ain’t right about you when you question him about something based on your last boyfriend’s behavior.

If the pain or devastation of a previous relationship—especially a recently defunct relationship—lingers within you, it is not the best time to welcome someone else into your life.

I have more than once used one woman to get past the previous woman. It was not intentional. It was natural. When you’re upset or disappointed by someone, the hardest thing to do is sit around and mope about it. That’s not me. I’ve got to keep it moving. And having that mentality, I have gotten with women I realized were not right for me, but they were there to help cushion the blow of the women before them.

Here’s a classic example: When I was working on my first album, I was crazy about this woman. We were kicking it and it was all good. At some point, she visited Atlanta for her college homecoming weekend. Cool, right? Well, the entire time she was there, I could not reach her—and she didn’t call me. My thought was, Something ain’t right about this.

Finally, I hear from her. And when I do, she says she’s going to stay an extra few days in Atlanta. And I’m like, wow. So I started writing this song, Something Just Ain’t Right. The song was inspired by this woman who switched up on me when she went to her college homecoming.

Here are the lyrics:

Tossin’, turnin’, girl

I just can’t sleep at night

Ooh, you’ve been cheating on me

Tell me it’s a lie, huh

I called you home

And the phone just keeps on ringing

Ooh, baby, what do you think I am

All I wanna do is be your man

I can’t sleep at night

For fear someone holdin’ you tight

Make you believe you are mine

And it will be ours till the end of time

Something, something, something, something just ain’t right

It just ain’t right

Something, something, something, something just ain’t right

Ooh, you make me feel

So good, so good inside

And the thought of another man holdin’ you tight

It makes me wanna cry (Makes me want to cry)

Don’t blame me if I get suspicious, baby

When you’re not at home (Not at home)

You just had to look so good

Any man would want to make you his own

You, you are mine

And I, I am yours

Tell me, tell me, baby

Is it me that you adore, now tell me

Something, something, something, something just ain’t right

It just ain’t right

Something, something, something, something just ain’t right

I did not tell our exact story, but she inspired the story by her behavior. So, finally, when she returned to New York, she said everything was okay, but I knew better. She had a girlfriend that was with her in Atlanta and I was cool with her. So, I asked her friend what was up. She said, Keith, you’re a nice guy, but your girl was with another man.

I knew it. I felt it. But she confirmed it for me. So I manned up and dealt with it. She hung around with me until I finished the album. But once I finished it, I was finished with her.

The point of that story is that after that, the next person I dealt with was dealing with the residuals of what I recently endured. She wasn’t really dealing with me. And I wasn’t really dealing with her. I was trying to get past that episode and I used that woman to help further my cause. It was not fair to her, but it still happened. I was younger back then and I see it now all the time. But jumping into a relationship right after one suddenly ends should not happen.

Work on getting yourself right first. Doesn’t that make sense? Forget about anyone else. If you are not right, things that normally may not irritate you will bother you to no end. When you’re not right, your patience level diminishes. When you’re not right, you smile less and frown more, making it an unpleasant environment. How can you be a positive asset to someone else when you have your own issues to overcome?

That is extremely hard to do. When we are free of past baggage or issues, we free ourselves to embrace something new and good. Our minds and hearts are open to new experiences and growth.

When we hang on to past pain and disappointment, we shut down. We look for the next disaster around the corner. We anticipate disappointment. We wait for drama. We limit our growth.

The way to be fair in a relationship is to be beyond that. That will allow you to give the benefit of the doubt in questionable situations. Everyone should have that advantage until he/she ruins it. This is different from being foolish. I would never condone being foolish or to ignore the obvious. Do not look past something right in your face; that’s the worst thing you can do. But if feelings creep to the surface because a situation might be similar to something bad you experienced, you must be in a frame of mind to let it play out without being judgmental and jumping to dramatic conclusions.

It also would be wise to not jump into a relationship when you are still holding intense feelings for your last boyfriend. If you are still in love with one man, you’re probably not ready for another relationship until you get over him.

So many callers over the years have talked about trying to get over one guy by dating another guy. My answer is always the same: You’re not being fair to the new man when you are with him but wishing you were with someone else.

Most times, we can overcome or see a situation better if we do one basic thing: Put ourselves in the other person’s position. If we do that, we would understand that it would be totally unfair to use one person to get over another.

Sometimes we are so eager to get past our pain and disappointment that we jump right into the next opportunity, thinking that being involved with someone will push us beyond the past. Seldom does that ever work.

And think about it: Would you like to be that rebound person, thinking you have met someone with the potential to be good for you, but all the while, you are there simply to fill a void left by someone else? That would be totally unfair and you’d feel cheap.

One of the things we have to stop doing to each other is using each other. That didn’t work out, so I’ll deal with him until I get back with my old boyfriend or get over him.

Again, totally unfair—and you wouldn’t want it to happen to you.

It boils down to being fair over being selfish. It is selfish behavior to get from someone what you are not willing to offer, or to use someone to get back on your emotional feet, when you know you have no true feelings for that person.

So where does that leave us?

Alone.

And there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, it is probably the best place to be after a relationship ends. Alone time is when we can make assessments about who we are as a person and who we were in that relationship. It is much more difficult to do if you are too quickly trying to move on to the next partner.

The harsh reality is that unless you have taken the time to understand your role in the failure of the relationship—and have come to some agreement on how to bring change to yourself—then you are not ready to embark on a new relationship.

Jumping right to the next person would be the equivalent of carrying toxins with you, meaning you are bound to poison the next relationship. Toxins in your body are like a virus—they fester in you, spread and eventually do destruction, if not treated. It is the same way with relationships.

If you don’t treat the toxins of a bad relationship, the virus grows and festers to the point where it shows itself in many ways that could hurt your new relationship.

How? Well, that depends on what happened in the previous relationship. But almost always trust issues come to the forefront. You don’t trust that the relationship will flourish. You don’t trust that the person in the relationship will do right by you. You don’t trust yourself to embrace happiness.

That’s a lot of mistrust to overcome. When it’s that heavy, it’s best to work on you before pairing up with someone else.

KEITH’S KEY: There has been more than one time when I used one woman to get over the previous woman. I’m not proud of it, but it happened. I wasn’t ready for a new relationship, and sure enough the next one that I jumped into so quickly failed. Badly.

Looking back on it now, it is all so clear to me. When there was a bad or sudden breakup, it was during those times that I wanted to psychologically get past the relationship quickly, and the natural thing to me was to find the next woman to heal my wounds, so to speak.

And it would work for a while. I would feel like, Okay, I’m moving on, as if I were getting the first woman out of my system. But I was actually moving backward or, at best, running in place. I was not advancing my life because, unfortunately, the next person was not the right person. She was merely the convenient person.

I feel bad about those cases when I did that. Truth be told, I was not giving that second woman a legitimate chance since I was not my real self.

But here’s the very actual part: There was probably no right person for me at that time. The best thing for me to do was to be by myself, assess my role in the failure of the relationship and then make the necessary changes to not repeat them next time when I got involved with someone. That would have been the fair thing to do for the next woman in my life—and for myself.

CHAPTER TWO

OPPOSITES ATTRACT…FOR A WHILE

There is this overused expression that makes sense, in one way, but makes absolutely no sense in another: opposites attract.

For the longest, I believed wholeheartedly in it. It seemed to make sense. If I was this way, I needed a woman who was not like me for us to be harmonious.

The philosophy was that we would somehow balance each other out. I also believed that two people with the same personalities and idiosyncrasies would be too similar, which would ultimately lead to chaos and conflict.

Like many people, I have learned the hard way that opposite personalities together do not make for the best relationship. In the long run, those differences are too different and create an insurmountable bridge to gap.

It always starts out the same, though. We are captivated by the differences in the other person. In one of my cases, this woman was slightly more outgoing than me. I’m a laid-back kind of guy. I usually like to observe and kick back. Well, this particular woman was not like that. She was assertive and the life of the party.

I liked it…at first. It showed her confidence and her zest for life. She was fun and exciting to be around. Her energy lifted my spirits and gave me energy. But as time wore on, those same qualities I enjoyed about her began to irritate me. She was on all the time, meaning she did not consider laying back and relaxing. That was boring to her. What I perceived as cute in the beginning gradually began to turn ugly. The energy that captured my attention wore me down. Her assertiveness got on my nerves.

Meanwhile, my laid-back nature began to bother her. In short, we began to clash.

Suddenly, small disagreements would pop up. Nothing big…at first. But they were enough to irritate each other or ruin an evening. Eventually, the arguments got bigger and bigger and turned into full-blown arguments.

The worst thing about it was that we both acknowledged the clashes of personalities, but we continued to try to make it work. That was a bad move. The more we irritated each other, the more we argued and the more we argued, the more miserable we were together.

Staying in it resulted in an ugly breakup, with name-calling and bad feelings.

You would think that would have clued me in on dating women who did not have common personalities. But it didn’t.

There was the woman who was a homebody. She didn’t desire to go many places. It was great at first. She wasn’t concerned about being seen with me in public. She was settled and calm. She slowed me down some. But we lived in Atlanta, where there was so much to do, so much to see. To stay in all the time did not make much sense to me.

Finally, I asserted myself and insisted we get out and embrace some of what there was to experience in the city. Well, that was a waste of time. She didn’t want to be there, and she looked and acted like it.

Basically, she pouted the entire time. As far as I was concerned, she did not even try to make the most of the night. She would sit there, bored and disinterested. Of course, that made the night horrible for me as well. She was the extreme opposite of the other woman, but still not compatible with me.

And that’s what all the drama is about when it comes to unsuccessful relationships—or simply keeping the energy and excitement in the relationship you have. It’s all about compatibility, selecting the right mate.

What are the criteria we set when choosing a mate? Is it because you think the guy is cute or handsome that you should be with him? Are you captured by his gift of gab, the things he says to you that make you feel good? Is it his job or status in the community? Is it how tall he is? Is it his teeth? Is it the car he drives? The house he lives in?

Don’t laugh. I have heard all these reasons and more for women wanting to be involved with a man in a relationship. And therein lies the problem. Our choices.

Not only do opposites not work in many cases, but we are bound for similar disappointment when we make mate selections based on superficial ideals. Superficial things include someone’s possessions or looks—anything that does not speak to the kind of person he or she is.

We all like nice things and are attracted to particular physical attributes of someone. But if that is what we base our relationship decision on—no matter how rude he or she might be or dishonest or unreliable or plain ole mean—then we set ourselves up for drama that could be avoided with selecting the right person for the right reasons.

That leads us to the natural question: What are the right reasons to select a mate?

In my years as an entertainer traveling the world and as a talk radio show host, I have heard and/or experienced, in one way or another, countless cases of people getting involved in relationships for reasons that did not add up.

Reasons that make sense to me are many. You should not select a mate based on a single attribute. It should be more about a package that could bring you comfort and fulfillment in a number of areas:

RESPECTABILITY. The person you’re interested in should command respect because of the kind of person he is and because of the respect he gives. If someone is highly respected, it speaks to his character. And when it comes to you, he should be especially respectful in the way he communicates with you; the language he uses; how he receives your thoughts; how he presents himself around you. At the same time, you must command respect from everyone. If you are aggressive toward a man, you can bet his level of respect for you will instantly diminish because you’ve put yourself out there. His aggression will top yours, as he identifies your weakness or overt interest. That’s not to say you should play games or not let your feelings be known; it’s all in how it is done. Throwing yourself at someone you hardly know is not the way to earn his respect. Also, if the use of profanity is something you are uncomfortable with, you have to let that be known by the language you use. As a woman, you should stand at the door and let the man know you expect him to open it for you. That’s commanding respect. The same at the car door or just walking down the street. He should not walk in front of you and he should walk on the outside, closest to the street. The sad thing is that many times you might have to let the person know that’s what you expect, although it should be as natural to man as drinking water to open the door for a woman, etc.

THOUGHTFULNESS. Someone you’re interested in and who has interest in you should show that he has an unselfish nature, that he considers you and your feelings, what you would like in the things that he does daily. For example, if you talk to him about how tired you are after work, it should occur to him to either offer to prepare dinner for you or to take you out to dinner. That’s a thoughtful act that shows he cares, as that’s pretty much what thoughtfulness is. It’s caring enough to do an act that shows you care. It is not about purchasing fancy jewelry or taking luxurious trips. Those things are wonderful, but should come only as a natural part of the growth of the relationship over time. Thoughtfulness is making time to say have a nice day in the morning. With technology and the incessant love for text-messaging, being thoughtful is very easy and unobtrusive. A thoughtful text message can bring a smile and show that you care. However, this is in no way endorsing a relationship built on text-messaging. When someone overloads you with text-messages and calls you less, that’s a sign of something wrong. A properly timed text message, on occasion, lends the kind of thoughtfulness that lets you know the person wants to be in touch with you and wants you to be in tune with him.

AMBITION. We all should desire someone who has goals in their professional and personal life, as they offer a glimpse into what the future might be like. The tough economy has put many people in difficult positions as it relates to jobs, but that is no excuse for someone to not be up every day pounding the pavement, seeking work. If someone does not work or hardly works and does not try hard to reverse their situation, that tells you something—and it’s not good. It speaks to laziness or a lack of fire…something that does not promote a commitment to succeed. And in short, who wants to be with a loser? Success should not be measured in how much money someone makes. It should be measured in someone’s ability to earn a living, to provide for himself and/or family, his diligence about his job, and how well he does his job. Those are the elements of ambition, and if someone is ambitious in his job, it shows he has drive that he can use to be successful in relationships.

That’s how you make a decision on whether or not you are compatible with someone. Concrete traits that speak to who the person is, his/her foundation. Then you can add the other characteristics or even superficial things like looks, hair, skin complexion, etc.

The thinking is this: when