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    Do Your Kids a Favor...Love Your Spouse
    Do Your Kids a Favor...Love Your Spouse
    Do Your Kids a Favor...Love Your Spouse
    Ebook163 pages1 hour

    Do Your Kids a Favor...Love Your Spouse

    By Kendra Smiley

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    About this ebook

    Building a healthy marriage can give your kids a great head start in life. Kendra and John Smiley learned this through the ups and downs of raising three sons, all now grown. With her trademark humor, honesty, and the wisdom that she has shared on Focus on the Family and Family Life Today, Kendra offers practical, day-in, day-out insights on kids, marriage, and much more. She shares her wisdom on such topics as setting priorities and coming to grips with family backgrounds, showing how when we make the right choice for our marriage, we're making the right choice for our children. \u0022Resident Dad\u0022 John pitches in with his perspective. Learn how to \u0022parent like a pro\u0022!
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherMoody Publishers
    Release dateSep 1, 2008
    ISBN9780802480217
    Do Your Kids a Favor...Love Your Spouse
    Author

    Kendra Smiley

    KENDRA SMILEY is a popular author and speaker, ministering to women nationally and internationally. She brings wit and wisdom to her writing, speaking, and national radio program, “Live Life Intentionally,” heard on over 350 stations. Named Illinois Mother of the Year in 2001, Kendra and her husband, John, a former military pilot, live on a farm in central Illinois where they raised their three sons, all of whom are married and are parents themselves. Kendra is the author of nine books and has contributed to many others. You can visit her online at kendrasmiley.com. 

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      Book preview

      Do Your Kids a Favor...Love Your Spouse - Kendra Smiley

      Apology

      INTRODUCTION

      Here Comes the Bride

      Do you, John, take Kendra to be your wife, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do you part?

      I do.

      Do you, Kendra, take John to be your husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, until death do you part?

      For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one.

      (MARK 10:7–8)

      I do.

      I now pronounce you man and wife. John, you may kiss the bride.

      Close your eyes for just a minute and picture the kiss. Hear the traditional bridal recessional as it fills the sanctuary. Imagine me, Kendra, the radiant bride in a flowing white dress standing beside my handsome husband. We turn toward the congregation of family and friends who are smiling delightedly, a few even brushing away a tear or two of joy as the organ plays the triumphant and awe-inspiring recessional. (End of scene 1.)

      Now fast-forward to the first conflict between us, the newlyweds. Stop! Don’t hold that fast-forward button down too long. It was not weeks later or days later or even hours later. The first clash occurred after we had turned and taken three steps back down the aisle.

      What, you may ask, could have possibly caused this quarrel? To help you understand, let me describe my bridal veil. It was a full-length veil that trailed elegantly behind me and was attached to a small hat perched on top of my head. The hat was secured to my hair, and I suspect to my scalp, with bobby pins—many, many bobby pins. Conservatively speaking I would guess that there were between two and three dozen of them doing the job. This was not an ideal situation. Just dragging the veil behind me was cause for concern for both my veil and my head of hair.

      After the pastor pronounced us husband and wife, we turned to march to the back of the church. Before we gained much speed, John inadvertently stepped on my veil. The forward progress of my veil ceased immediately and my entire head jerked backward. The bobby pins held their ground (for better or worse), but I had an instant headache. Knowing that John was unaware of the pain he had just inflicted on his new bride, I smiled bravely and said in a tense, pain-induced whisper, Don’t step on my veil again. That really hurt.

      It could not have been more than another two steps before he unknowingly repeated the pain-producing act. My head jerked back once again, and in a quiet but much sterner tone, still smiling for the crowd, I simply said, If you do that again, I’m going to have to kill you! I am almost sure that at that moment he (1) still had no idea what he had done and (2) wondered if he had made a big mistake in the marriage!

      John was oblivious, to say the least. His mind was not on my veil. In fact, in one of the informal photographs taken as we walked back down the aisle of the church, his attitude was captured exactly. He was pointing with glee at one of his college roommates. His look said it all: I’ve done it! I’m married. She’s crazy about me. I’ve survived the wedding, and now it’s a quick appearance at the reception and we’re off to the honeymoon. I am one excited young man!

      Veil, what veil? Hat, what hat? Bobby pins and headaches, scalp injuries—what did any of those things have to do with the honeymoon? He was ready to get to the good part.

      I don’t remember how we resolved our first conflict, but we must have. Since we have now celebrated more than thirty years of marriage, you know the answer to the Dr. Phil question, Can this marriage be saved? It obviously was saved, but not without some work.

      The recessional ruckus was the first of many beautiful (well, at least colorful) illustrations of the fact that John and I are different in many ways, including gender. I was wrapped up in the wedding and wanting to be beautiful rather than bald. He was all about the honeymoon and … well, you know. What a guy!

      The fact that we are different is not bad. It is actually very good. We don’t differ on our core beliefs. But in the areas of personality, baggage, traditions, and, obviously, gender, we are not the same. Our differences mean that we brought differing strengths, talents, experiences, and understanding to our future family. One of us wasn’t better or worse than the other; we simply were and are different.

      It was our responsibility and privilege to learn to capitalize on the positive attributes of our differences. Why? Quite simply, as a favor to our children. We had to learn to love and appreciate each other as each of us learned about his or her self and about his or her spouse.

      You as Mom and Dad each contribute to your family in a unique way. In order to parent successfully, you will need to identify and understand your differences and encourage each other as you strengthen your assets—teaching and guiding your children in those positive attributes.

      Then your kids will:

      Understand gender and personality differences and positively apply that understanding to current and future relationships.

      See the benefit of identifying and dealing with unwanted baggage in order to stop its carryover to the next generation.

      Enjoy their family traditions while realizing that other traditions are equally valid.

      Secure their identity in Christ.

      Respect and appreciate the institution, the gift, of marriage and be better prepared to do their kids a favor.

      On the day of our wedding John and I officially and legally became husband and wife. In a few years, we would become Mom and Dad. We were and are very different. The good news is that we learned to celebrate and capitalize on our differences, and you can too! The differences bring richness to your parenting. They do not have to keep you from working together to raise great kids.

      On more than one occasion my brother has reminded us, Both of you together are much smarter than either one of you alone. It takes all the wisdom both of you, as Mom and Dad, can muster—really the wisdom of God—to raise great kids … kids who love God, obey God, and glorify Him with their lives.

      Join us as we examine the differences between Mom and Dad—gender, personality, baggage, traditions, and identity—and how those differences affect parenting. Don’t be afraid to honestly evaluate yourself and your relationship. Let us help you identify your strengths and use your differences in practical ways so you will be working together to raise great kids. You can do it with God’s help. And that is good news, because your kids are counting on you.

      CHAPTER ONE

      Priorities:

      First Things First

      Parenting: the toughest job you’ll ever love. The task of hands-on parenting lasts for approximately eighteen years, at which point you move from the role of supervisor to that of consultant. Oh, you are always Mom or Dad, but you are no longer involved in daily parenting tasks. And I probably should tell you that, although you are a consultant, you will not be getting paid like one. The shift in responsibilities comes little by little, moving toward the goal of working yourself out of a job.

      Many of the choices you make in the early years of parenting have lasting effects. The investment of time and energy that you make in your child can bring both of you joy or sorrow well into the future! Eighteen years may end the parenting responsibilities, but not the relationship.

      Let’s Make a Plan

      With a task this important, a good plan is in order. We all want to know where to go and how to get there. Let’s start at the beginning—not by looking at our differences as Mom and Dad, but by examining the things we have in common, our core beliefs.

      Those who plan what is good find love and faithfulness.

      (PROVERBS 14:22)

      It is true that my husband, John, and I are very different—different genders, different personalities, different baggage, different traditions—but despite all of those things, we have the most important fundamentals in common. Our core beliefs are the same. First and foremost, both of us have come to a saving knowledge of Christ … at different times and in different ways (of course!), but both of us have arrived at the foot of the cross.

      John’s Journey

      John’s journey began at an early age. From infancy through high school he faithfully attended Sunday school and church with his family, hardly ever missing a Sunday. Perfect attendance, however, while admirable, is not a guarantee of a relationship with Christ. That important commitment came when John was sixteen years old. An evangelist was speaking at the little church where John and his family attended, and on the last night of the revival, John went forward to the altar and prayed for forgiveness. That night his heart was changed and he began to seek the Lord and what God had for him.

      I think it’s safe to say that although that particular evening was monumental for the church, as many people did precisely what John had done, there was no one to disciple and teach those who had made this recent and life-changing decision. So John headed forward on his journey of life knowing that God loved him and that he had been given the gift of eternal life, but knowing very little about the Word of God.

      My journey looked nothing like his.

      Kendra’s Commitment

      A few years passed and I came on the scene. We met at the public swimming pool in the town where I lived. I was enrolled in senior life-saving and John accompanied his older brother, our instructor, to help with the final test. He came to the pool on the day that we were scheduled to rescue the victim! When I saw how cute he was, I immediately made the decision to get into his line. When I saw that all the other girls had the same idea, I simply got into his line

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