Everand Logo

Welcome to Everand!

  • Discover millions of ebooks, audiobooks, and so much more with a free trial

    Only €10,99/month after trial. Cancel anytime.

    The Bad Driver's Handbook: A Guide to Being Bad
    The Bad Driver's Handbook: A Guide to Being Bad
    The Bad Driver's Handbook: A Guide to Being Bad
    Ebook215 pages1 hour

    The Bad Driver's Handbook: A Guide to Being Bad

    By Hank Roll

    ()

    Read preview

    About this ebook

    The Top Ten Ways to Identify BAD DRIVERS
    10 There are birds, cats and motorcycle helmets stuck in their radiator grill.

    9 The bullet holes in their trunk are patched with band aids.

    8 They run thru red lights and Stop signs but stop for Bars.

    7 They sneer and give the finger to Speed Limit signs.

    6 Their WANTED posters are autographed.

    5 They weave in and out of opposing traffic.

    4 Their vehicle is held together with Bumper Stickers.

    3 .They have gun racks on their dashboard, doors and steering wheel.

    2 They are in front of you going too damn slow or behind you riding your bumper.

    1 They are texting, eating, talking on their cell phone, watching tv and drinking
    while driving.

    LanguageEnglish
    PublisheriUniverse
    Release dateOct 23, 2013
    ISBN9781491710814
    The Bad Driver's Handbook: A Guide to Being Bad
    Author

    Hank Roll

    Hank Roll is currently spending all his time assembling the BDH when he isn’t hiding in the trunk of his Jimmy. His MEd from Pitt turned out to be as useless as living in Bellevue and publishing a HiQ tasteless monthly humor zine aptly called the ATROCITY for 30 years. He has piloted planes, trucks, cycles, cars and Big Wheels and it has warped and distorted the mental slush in his head until he is scared to go on the road without his Bodiddley tapes and St Diablo bobblehead.

    Related to The Bad Driver's Handbook

    Related ebooks

    Humor & Satire For You

    View More
    View More

    Related podcast episodes

    Related categories

    Reviews for The Bad Driver's Handbook

    0 ratings

    0 ratings0 reviews

    What did you think?

    Tap to rate

    Review must be at least 10 words

      Book preview

      The Bad Driver's Handbook - Hank Roll

      A Guide to NOT Being Bad

      431349_BDH%20_r_1%20Cvr%2cRdrs%20Page%201_20130922110711%20copy.jpg

      How to NOT be a complete Jackass

      431349_BDH%20_r_1%20Cvr%2cRdrs%20Page%201_20130922110711%20copy.jpg

      The INTRODUCTION could be here but instead it’s in the back of the book: (P134) you don’t care why I wrote the book, YOU

      just want to read it. Go ahead. Catch you later…

      THE BAD DRIVERS HANDBOOK

      A Guide to Being Bad

      Copyright © 2013 Hank Roll.

      All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the publisher except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

      iUniverse books may be ordered through booksellers or by contacting:

      iUniverse LLC

      1663 Liberty Drive

      Bloomington, IN 47403

      www.iuniverse.com

      1-800-Authors (1-800-288-4677)

      Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

      Any people depicted in stock imagery provided by Thinkstock are models, and such images are being used for illustrative purposes only.

      Certain stock imagery © Thinkstock.

      ISBN: 978-1-4917-1080-7 (sc)

      ISBN: 978-1-4917-1081-4 (e)

      iUniverse rev. date: 10/21/2013

      C’mon Detroit : It’s So Simple

      All we want is: a car that looks like a cross between a

      shark and a spaceship, that gets 100 miles to a gallon, that

      cruises at 100 mph and that costs under $5,000.

      If God had wanted us to go slow-

      (S)He wouldn’t have given us a gas pedal shaped like a foot.

      Everyone should drive five lengths behind the car in

      front of them—so I can cut in.

      REAL BAD DRIVERS:

      Don’t just match the speed limits—they exceed them.

      Don’t hafta look both ways at intersections-

      they’re only going one way.

      Can always make a yellow light.

      Don’t stop for red lights—

      even when they’re on the top of another car.

      Don’t signal for turns—they know where the hell they’re going.

      Know the 55 mph speed limit was a

      commie plot to sap our vitality.

      Think windshield wipers are for sissies.

      BAD DRIVERS MOTTOES

      Always be polite to other drivers—

      it gives them a false sense of security.

      If you drive fast enough the radar can’t catch you.

      Why do those other morons slow down from

      55 to 45 when they see a parked cop car?

      Either you crush other drivers or they crush you.

      If it was my car do you think I’d be driving like this?

      IF they don’t want us to park on the sidewalk, why isn’t there

      a sign that says, Don’t park on the sidewalk?

      If I didn’t want the right of way I wouldn’t have a big car.

      Driving lessons are for wimps.

      The closer you drive to the person in front of you the faster

      you can encourage them to go.

      431349_BDH%20_r_2Toes%2cPerf%2cSlo%20P5_20130922110812%20copy.jpg

      Toes, Perfect, Slow

      THE BAD DRIVER’S QUESTIONNAIRE

      In order to more fully understand who you are we ask you to take this little quiz about who you think you are. It shouldn’t take more than a couple hours.

      NAME___________________ Alias____________________

      Fake name you give at accidents_________________________

      Fake name on your fake ID____________________________

      Name your Momma called you__________________________

      Nickname you would like to be called_____________________

      Nickname you are actually called________________________

      SuperHero Name___________________________________

      ADDRESS________________________________________

      No kidding—you really live in a vacant lot? ________________

      Have you lived here less than 3 days? Yes____No____

      Last known address__________________________________

      Address where you actually pick up your mail________________

      Address where you want your 10 million Dollars Publisher’s Sweepstakes check delivered___________________________

      Address where, Dog the Bounty Hunter, can find you?__________

      CELL PHONE NUMBER_____________________________

      Last cell phone #________One before that________________

      Disposable cell phone #_______ Untraceable #_____________

      Do you have a girl friend or boy friend? Yes____No____

      Are they hot? Are they easy? Phone # ?____________________

      Wife or husband or friend? Are they hot? ________________

      Are they easy? Phone?________________________________

      Do you have a Mother? Address_________________________

      Would she pay a ransom over $10,000 for you? ______________

      Would you pay a ransom over $10,000 for her? ______________

      Is she easy? Is she hot? Her Phone?______________________

      YOUR AGE______No, your real age_____

      SEX Yes____No____

      HOBBIES 40891.png Other lame pastimes____________

      NUMBER OF CRASHES THIS WEEK______ YESTERDAY_____

      NUMBER OF TICKETS THIS WEEK?______ TODAY?________

      You can make a copy of these 2 pages of this book to give to your relatives or friends to see if they could be helped by the Bad Driver’s Handbook.

      LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT___________________________

      _________________________________________________

      Who gets your Mercedes?________________________________

      Who gets your iPad?___________________________________

      Who gets your Vibrator?________________________________

      Who gets your Big Wheels?______________________________

      Who gets your Ticket collection?___________________________

      Who gets your GPS?___________________________________

      Who gets your Bad Drivers Handbook?______________________

      Who gets your naughty tapes?_____________________________

      DO YOU LIKE GLADIATOR MOVIES? Yes____No____

      DO YOU LIKE BEACH BLANKET MOVIES? Yes____No____

      DO YOU MISS NELLIE BLY? Yes 40915.png No 40918.png

      DO YOU MISS SHEENA, QUEEN OF THE JUNGLE?

      Yes____No____

      DO YOU MISS XENA, WARRIOR PRINCESS? Yes____No____

      WOULD YOU DATE LARA CROFT? Yes____No____

      WOULD YOU DATE BRUCE CAMPBELL, THE CHIN?

      Yes____No____

      DO YOU LIKE MOVIES WITH NAKED ANIMALS? Yes____No____

      DO YOU LIKE NAKED ANIMALS WITH MOVIES? Yes____No____WOULD YOU HAVE A SMOKE WITH A FURRY? Yes____No____

      HOW OFTEN DO YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULD

      BE WHIPPED?____________________________________

      HOW LONG WOULD YOU SWIM IN JELL-O?________________

      EVER BEEN TO A DUNGEON? Yes____No____

      DID YOU PAY THEM? Yes____No____DID THEY PAY YOU?

      Yes____No____

      HAVE YOU EVER DONE IT ON A UNICYCLE? Yes____No____

      DO YOU THINK BIG TRUCKS ARE ROMANTIC? Yes____No____

      DO YOU BELIEVE IN CAPITAL PUNISHMENT? Yes____No____

      WHICH CAPITAL DO YOU PREFER?_________

      HAVE YOU EVER DATED A TV OR MOVIE STAR? Yes____No____

      THEIR NAME_______________________________________

      ARE THEY HOT? Yes____No____

      THEIR PRIVATE PHONE #______________________________

      EVER DATED A POLITICIAN? Yes____No____

      GOT ANY DIRT ON THEM? Yes____No____

      WHAT’S IT WORTH? $__________ NEED HELP COLLECTING?

      Yes____No____

      WHAT NATIONALITY ARE YOU_______WHAT SPECIES?_______

      Thank you for filling out the BAD DRIVER QUESTIONNAIRE form. We will review your answers and if we like them we’ll get back to you.

      Don’t hold your breath…

      Psychological Profile Form

      Fill out this simple form to find out how far you differ from the norm. Choose the description that comes the closest to your weird thoughts and mark it down on your arm so you can hand it in later.

      1    If your neighbor buys a shiny new car your reaction is:

      A    To block his driveway.

      B    To spray paint the car windows.

      C    Order a truckload of manure dumped on it.

      D    Hijack it and leave it in the hood.

      E    Stuff it with elephant parts.

      2    If someone threatens to sue you, you would:

      A    Hide their remote.

      B    Shoot them in the knees.

      C    Shave their body and dip them in hot wax.

      D    Remove their kidneys and feed them cola.

      E    Kidnap them and sell them to slavers.

      3    If someone criticized your driving, you would:

      A    Drive a spike thru their TV remote.

      B    Criticize their ensemble and makeup.

      C    Trick them onto a Reality show.

      D    Take them for a ride in your trunk.

      E    Lock them in a (hungry) tiger’s cage.

      4    Your favorite dream is:

      A    Being a slave in a bordello.

      B    Riding a camel thru a convent.

      C    Driving a 3 Decker bus thru wet donuts.

      D    Falling into a butterscotch pie.

      E    Being a turquoise jelly bean.

      5 

      Enjoying the preview?
      Page 1 of 1