Orthicon

248

ORTHICON

Or The History of a Bad Idea

by DAVID PERLMUTTER

CONTENTS

Editor’s Introduction

Historical Context

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

The Abductions

A Commonality Of Exile

Phil Ochs Travels To Orthicon And Gets The Back Of His Throat Scraped

Splitsvilles

The Plots Thicken

Help From Unexpected Sources

Highlights From The Destruction Of Any Sense Of Moral Order

Going Home

Editor’s Conclusion

EDITOR’S INTRODUCTION

The following narrative is constructed from a variety of sources, most of them previously unpublished, related to the creation, rise, and fall of the Cartoon Character Colony of Orthicon (CCCO) located on the planet of the same name in the early months of 2 ---. Individually, these texts reflect the fact that while their authors were creations of the human mind, not to mention ink and paint, they show a remarkable amount of lucidity and intelligence, suggesting that the branding of their authors as threats to the world’s children was not entirely an idle boast. Collectively, they give us a clear picture of the creation, rise, and fall of the CCCO, as well as the tensions within it, particularly the inter-party relations and the rejection of the status of commodity by the residents in favor of a more liberalized attitude that came to cause the downfall of the colony. Thus, these writings give us a clearer depiction of what is by far the most controversial event in real/fictional cartoon world relational history.

Long after the fact, with the fictional cartoon and real worlds more fully integrated than ever before, it is easy for us to laugh at the folly of our predecessors finding anything at fault with fictional cartoon characters, let alone attempting to exile such beings for supposedly being a threat to the children, but we must not allow ourselves to become complacent in addressing the hidden issues that are slowly revealed in this penetrating narrative. The reasoning behind Orthicon, as well as the actions taken within it, reveal that no matter what the time and circumstances, racism, prejudice, and distrust do exist and will continue to do so where ignorance is used in place of education to make

judgments and decisions. A close, thoughtful reading of these writings will immediately prove this.

The task of assembling a narrative from these varying sources was hardly easy. Given the isolation, anger, and resentment felt by many of the Orthicon residents regarding their exile from Earth, not to mention the extreme and highly casual fashion in which their rights and personal uniqueness were denied on the planet itself, it is easy to say that the writings produced during, or in relation to, this misbegotten enterprise would in all likelihood form the basis of an entire encyclopedia of narratives. Time and space limitations being what they are, I have chosen to focus on only the more extensive collections of writings, but in a way that reflects perspectives from all ages, races, classes, species, and political angles, for, given the circumstances under which they emerged, it is all the more important that they reflect that balance .

Though I have suppressed some passages and indicated in the texts specifically where material has been omitted, my intent for the most part has been to present the majority of this material as it was written. Therefore, when language is used that to some readers may seem coarse, vulgar, and violent (as it often was), please keep in mind that this language is used specifically for the purpose of historical accuracy.

Finally, I should say that I am grateful to all the participants for sharing their private writings and views with me in order to make the truth about these events fully understood for the first time. Though it was, for most of them, a very difficult period on an emotional level, they have all been more than helpful in assisting me to present these events as they should be seen. I also am grateful for the research assistance provided by my students and colleagues here at the University of the Six Cities, spread as we are over six campuses. For some odd reason, we seem to have ended up being based in the six cities whose citizens seemed to form the center of this narrative, and we certainly took advantage of the unique opportunity we have been given.

HISTORICAL CONTEXT

Across much of the 21st century, the United States of America, stuck as it was under the control of the very right-wing Republican party, had engaged in a systematic process of discrimination against residents of the country whose images and beliefs did not conform to accepted but outmoded views of White Anglo Saxon Protestant (WASP) behavior. These persecutions were the culmination of a tradition of racial and social prejudice that had long existed within the country’s social and operational structures, issues that are too widespread and diverse to go into at this time. Yet one commonality existed among all these horrific examples of denied liberty: the existence of subtle and unsubtle means of outlining the uniqueness of a minority group with the intention of putting them in their place. A quick glance at American history shows this has happened with Native Americans, African Americans, Jews, women, homosexuals, Hispanics, Middle Easterners, and, most recently, animated cartoon characters. All of these groups have been made to suffer physically, emotionally, and psychologically because the WASPs of America, who have traditionally held the majority of the country’s social and political power, were unable to dealwith their uniqueness. It is with this latter group, particularly the notorious Orthicon exile project and the creation of the CCCO out of it, that our narrative here is concerned.

The presidential election of 2--- has already earned for itself the status of one of the most contentious campaigns in American history, easily engulfing the sordid conflicts that engulfed that of 2000. Amid constant allegations of improprieties on both sides, some of which were justified while others were merely conspiracies, a curious political manipulation began to emerge. Having fully exhausted the voters with constant talk of the threatof terrorism, to the point that this once potent issue had lost much of its force in American political debate, the members of the Democratic and Republican parties wisely shifted the direction of their policies elsewhere. Alas, for our purposes, they focused instead on the old Puritan fear of America’s children coming to harm from the supposedly evil influence of the wicked witches and warlocks in the mass media; namely, the characters portrayed in animated cartoons .

The moral stance finally chosen by both sides was ultimately reflected in the choice of candidates. The Republicans, in their infinite wisdom, nominated for President a Mississippian named Saunders Mucklebackit, a former Baptist minister notorious for his fiery rhetoric and intolerance of minorities, and for Vice-President, Knickerbocker Jones, a surprisingly popular African American who had little sympathy for those of his own race, or other minorities for that matter, making him the most logical candidate to be paired with Mucklebackit. The Democrats were more cautious. For President, they selected the white knight of the West, Edward Waverley, a man of sterling moral character but little political experience, and for Vice-President Bob Blahblah, a surprise candidate whose only experience of note as a politician was serving as Mayor of Frostbite Falls, Minnesota.

The disparities and discrepancies between the two campaigns soon became apparent. While Waverly/Blahblah was nothing but exemplary in avoiding typical charges of corruption directed at political campaigns, the Mucklebackit/Jones ticket was supremely effective only at hammering home the necessity of removing the presence and influence of animated cartoon characters from the public discourse. In speech after speech, the two men, with varying degrees of bile depending on the circumstances, repeatedly and succinctly spun variations on this theme. What right, they repeatedly implied, had these creations of the mind--and distorted and ignorant minds they were--to think that they qualified for citizenship in the American republic on the baseless grounds of meeting the entertainment needs of the children of America? Were they not, they asked rhetorically, simply poisoning these children with shameless, liberal rhetoric designed to undermine respect and toleration for the democratic institutions of the United States ?

Waverley and Blahblah naturally opposed this attitude. Waverley was particularly insistent, as he put it, that his opponent’s remarks constituted a severe form of prejudice which had no basis in form or fact. What was needed, he continually reminded his listeners, was a form of government which did not serve to discriminate against those whose attitudes were regarded as being opposed to a conservative derived mandate of morality, but rather one in which the nature of personality alone was paramount to determining the final worth of the members of a society.

Naturally, when election time came in November 2--- and the actual voting process commenced, the voters chose the man who was obviously the proper moral, ethical, and social choice for the job: Saunders Mucklebackit.

Having made this choice, the American people helplessly watched as yet another Republican president and his belligerent war-mongering cabinet were sworn in. Waverley and the Democrats naturally charged corruption and a total distortion of the actual voting results, but their claims were ignored and distorted by a media not willing to risk governmental intervention by besmirching the favor of the newly-elected President. Not about to allow Mucklebackit’s regime to go unopposed, Waverley began a campaign as tireless as his presidential run to ensure that the rights of animated cartoon characters remained intact despite the plans of the Mucklebackit administration. Even in the face of the ultimate cartoon character expulsion and settlement on Orthicon, his resolve rarely wavered. His activities and support are alluded to in the narratives presented in this book, though we have chosen not to quote the specific references to maintain objectivity.

Having now gained the legislative control and political influence to put their desires into force, Mucklebackit and his cabinet now declared waropenly on the Bacchanalian influence of cartoon characters in American society. The war cabinet, characterized by such hawkish characters as Secretary Of Defense Washington In Charge DeBarge, Attorney General Maximillian Matuskiwitz, and National Security Advisor Fenwick Freak Out Finster, would have it no other way. Securing the backing of this venture was the stalwart unflappability of the Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, John Milton Berle, a man who, unlike his two namesakes, possessed neither poetry nor a sense of humor in his heart .

The attack on the animated characters and their environs proceeded with grim determination. A variety of weaponry and tactics, from the use of chemical poisoning to full scale atomic weaponry, was employed, to little effect. Not only did the toons seem to survive these attacks on their lives, they seemed to prosper from them. They became ever more vigilant, in particular, because of a growing fear amongst them that somehow they were not wanted. (The methods used by the government and the characters’ reactions to them will be elaborated upon in the course of this narrative.)

Having failed repeatedly in its efforts to destroy the characters, the government chose another tactic to, finally, deal with them. Working closely with the CIA and NASA, Washington determined that the only reasonable response was to remove the characters from their various television environments and onto a newly discovered planet, a sphere-shaped, life-sustaining area named Orthicon, located approximately two hundred light years from Earth. Such a setup would serve to rid the U.S. of its cartoons, and their influence, for good. With a budget of nearly $500 billion , the three organizations secretly developed Orthicon into a habitable community for the settlement of its soon-to-be inhabitants. Designated as the liaison between the new colony and the U.S. government was the decorated CIA agent Samson Sam Snead, particularly noted for his work against terrorism. It is with his diary, outlining his appointment to his position, that we begin our story…

CHAPTER ONE

It Seemed Like A Good Idea At The Time

PERSONAL DIARY OF SAM SNEAD

Deputy Director Bollocks called me into his office this morning, and knowing our often frosty relationship, I could only foresee bad news coming. I had, after all, made a perfect ass of myself at the Christmas party (or at least that’s what Frances told me after I recovered my sobriety after the event).

Our routine in these things is pretty much set: I do something dumb, and he rakes me over the coals as soon as he finds out about it. Lately, I have been doing it a lot for some reason, so he’s yelled at me a lot. Granted, I was a bit out of line pistol-whipping those Middle Eastern guys at the mall, but somebody’s got to pay for 9/11 .

Anyhow, my sense of concern was at a level unusually high for me as I negotiated, by the stairs, the three floors between Bollocks’ office and my own. (The elevator wasn’t working...again!) How I relished the thought of being a victim of yet another of his self-serving, sanctimonious tirades. Sweet, trustworthy, dependable Bollocks, that’s what they all say about him, but they don’t know the dark side: the guy capable of cowing and killing off entire anti-terrorist units if they screw up even the tiniest amount, and I was sure that he had that fate in store for me.

With steely determination and painful fear mixed in my heart, therefore, I made the approach to his door and knocked.

Come in, was his response.

I entered and sat opposite him at his desk.

Snead, he said, in that unctuous British accent he picked up God knows where, we have a job for you.

I