Z JOURNEY(AL)

My Brothers, and Sisters

Still trying to find out

It is changing

April 24, 2020

Here Goes

The pandemic has not changed much of my life except for every aspect of it. I have been researching what the pandemic has done to my neighborhood, to my life, and to the inside of my head. I’m not getting paid for this research. Like every person I know, I have paid a lot of money for being required to conduct this research to determine if the planet we are on right now is the same planet we were on three years ago. My whole life is possibly riding on this research and I don’t have enough data to make an informed intelligent decision for a problem of this magnitude. On a scale of one to ten, I would give this a 47.

I am not greatly comforted that the man who is making, or strategically not making, the important decisions doesn’t have the attention span to comprehend what you just read. He does, however, know how many people watched him on TV at all times.

You might notice that I go off on tangents. Don’t worry, I will come back to the pandemic - or Zanalope as I call it for obvious reasons. I don’t quite get that either.

Zanalope is omnipresent. Z is a pronoun that Z informed me Z wanted to be used when describing Z. Z is blowing up the charts. The music scene has changed for almost everyone in ways you would expect and in ways you would not expect.

For me personally, I am in suspended animation. As a musician, I realize a suspension can be cool if used right. I agree suspense in humor can be funny. The timing is critical. Suspensions must resolve. Yes?

Funny but a touch uncomfortable

Not funny at all, possibly insulting

Timing: to be determined.

No, I don’t feel relieved now either. There is no time like the present and I can’t recall a present that felt like this time.

I have an advantage over some of you that none of you want. I say some of you because I know most of us have scars, lost people we couldn’t lose, and are trying (or at least aspiring to be) a good person.

I got my ass kicked by shingles and for reasons, that may come up from time to time, suffered nerve damage to my right hand. I have been doing serious rehab to try and effectuate the change I want to see in my hand, which is part of the most interesting landscape and ecosystem that I have personally visited for hours every day. I don’t know what date I will recover completely. I do know that that isn’t my question anymore. My question is, is the landscape and ecosystem healthier today than yesterday? If the landscape and ecosystem are healthier you will enjoy the walk more. You might be walking the rest of your life on that path, so figure out how to enjoy it.

Fuck. Z is pissed. Z hadn’t crossed my mind for probably twenty minutes. I never thought I was Z’s type, but Z is the jealous kind. There is this guy named Joe Biden and…..never mind, getting back to Z. Where was I? Where the fuck was I two months ago? I had a balance that seemed to work. At times I could be described as a little bit moody, but usually I was more moody.

I try to let a person know where I stand about certain things because it takes a lot of energy to interact with certain people and sometimes you wonder if this is the best use of your energy.

Z is back. Interact will have before and after Z conventions described in its definition. The number of people I see in person has shrunk to very few who I socially distance from, except for one who must have lost a bet in her past life who might be reading this in an hour. Without Z ……I mean without her I would truly have had the chance to feel empty without even knowing it. I’ll leave it there for now because I’ve got to get back on track.

I just thought about this right now. You know who are probably pissed off more than anyone right now? Those idiots who chase tornadoes. They should be happy they don’t have to drive anywhere, but I suspect it’s not that simple right now. On the other hand, there are some really strange people around.

Let me tell you some things about me. I was recently not selected as Jazz Guitar Player of the Year in numerous publications. I can take or leave people who can’t decide. Spanish and French are just two of the languages I don’t speak. I did study both. Enough about me. What rhymes with me? Z!

It must be Z. It is X:00. Speaker is going to be discussing….. regarding Z, Speaker 2 will make insightful comments about Z that don’t lead to anything. I didn’t use to watch a lot of TV. I watch a lot of TV now because you have to, unless you don’t if you know what I’m saying. I’ll know exactly what that meant when (not if) I prooof reed this. If I don’t catch that I misspelled a word, well back to…drum roll……….Z. Dynamics should be used sparingly!!!

Z causes me to think in a divided manner. I like it and I don’t. I have to compromise parts of me I cannot compromise because there is a greater entity than me. The Supreme Court hasn’t given this entity standing, but you know what I always say, fuck the Supreme Court, and if you disagree with me, fuck the Supreme Court.

I am forced to change a flow that I love which bridges the brain, heart, nature, and rhythm. I am trying to keep the spirit of the flow, but there is no substitute for being around real people and doing real things. I am enjoying writing this because I am giving them high fives and hugging or kissing them in my mind as we discuss this book. I’ll leave this discussion for later.

Z is back but now Z has bonded with our president in my mind. I don’t feel so good right now. Anyone have any detergent I can shoot up? Ask the president, or as I call him (person inspiring societal suicide) PISS.

Pi might win out over PISS because Pi and Z flows well.

Pi promised a lot and he has delivered. Nobody can say that isn’t true and nobody can say it is true because everyone can say whatever the fuck they want except for saying fuck, because that’s the way it is. Anyway, if you are thinking of Pi when you think of Z, then Z becomes an ad for Pi.

Some ads are good and some aren’t. My research is definitely incomplete on this one, so I’ll see someone who knows an equal amount or less on TV tonight and know I am as well informed as the guy next door.

The guy next door and I text. We see each other on Facebook. We live 462 feet apart. Sure, I made up that number. That’s just a fact. Do with it what you will, (Tao of Pi).

So now you get the picture. You don’t get the picture. I put it on Facebook. I texted it to you. I emailed you. Hey, is that really you?

I haven’t seen some people for years now, but it didn’t seem that long ago until three weeks ago. I think we always knew we’d see each other there or here, later or sooner, you know.

I’m sorry my language is getting sloppy, but it is reflecting my mind more accurately. This could get bad for both of us, assuming you’re still there. Hello! Sorry.

I just thought of something. Because of Z, I decided I should start to write fun stuff again. Well, until that happens, stick around.

Are you still with me? Up until recently, I thought I was one of the few who often has a dialogue running through his head. I see the people who are speaking. I hear their voices. Most importantly, I feel their presence. These discussions don’t usually go the direction I was hoping they’d go. I have this (possibly delusional) hope that if I am honest and sincere when I am in these discussions - admitting faults, trying to understand the other person’s point of view - the other real, flesh and blood person will actually sense that it is not about being right or being wrong. It is about being honest, tolerant, and knowing each of you want the other one to be happy.

It is tough to realize how complicated your own perspective is, let alone have the energy to really process the other’s perspective. No, I mean REALLY process it.

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Z. Getting in touch with myself is currently in a duel with Z for what occupies my mind. My world blends together in a unique way. I have been described as different. I am quite confident one of my ex-bosses used a synonym for different when describing me. It sounds like A Fuckin’ Jackass. He sometimes pops up in the above-referenced discussions. It is interesting when he speaks because the discussion takes on a different tone. Several people could be having a heated disagreement, and he could change things almost instantly. Everyone in the room all seemed to look at each other and an agreement was made. I still think you are wrong about it. Let’s discuss later when this idiot isn’t here. Miraculous.

When it was inappropriate, he often said, I might not be the smartest guy in the room but… All of us thought, there is no ‘might’ about it.

I worked (most thought I did, at least) as a law director for over fifteen years. I will not get into confidential matters in this document, but I might share some of the lessons that I learned, were pounded into me, or that I haven’t learned. It has to be sorted out in the discussions going on as I write.

So now I remember how I was going to start this. What is the most complicated question to answer at this moment? By definition, it is the one I just asked because that is the one you are thinking about at this moment. That is not the question I was thinking of. This is. How are you?

I ask myself that a lot.

A voice tells me, you are selfish to even think about you.

A similar voice says, if you don’t think about you, you can’t do anything to help anyone with Z

My irritating voice says, why did you bring up Z? There is no punctuation mark that expresses the completion of the above sentence. He isn’t asking me anything, he is telling me you are an asshole for bringing it up.

It is a paradox. When you decide to think about any other subject besides Z, you always know there is going to be some amount of Z in it. Does one try and deny Z? Does one try to peacefully coexist with Z?

HOW am I? I’m fortunate. I imagine I have it about as well as anyone right now. I try and look upon this as an opportunity. Yes, I hear the voice saying, I do not like being around people who say that sort of stuff. They mean well, but they depress me. They depress me because I don’t feel apologetic to be sad. Sometimes that is the unfortunate appropriate response. Thinking about Z for a second, I am reminded that if we all act appropriately sad, LOOK OUT.

I cut my lawn today. It was a great experience. I have an electric lawn mower. It’s quiet. It is slow, but this is the point. I’m accomplishing something. I am performing an activity that I did before Z and it truly was more fun Z present (ZP).

Once I acknowledge I am fortunate compared to others, I feel guilty. There are others who are either ahead of me or behind me, who I’m sure have it better than me, that don’t even realize they are fortunate, relatively speaking. And that is one of the things Z will teach us. How much do we care about each other? This question gets complicated for me because I think Pi has a special blend of arrogance, ignorance, and indifference The Federal Government seems to have a policy of simultaneously promising a lot, lowering the expectations, and then falling short of the lowered expectations. Then it starts to take an unexpected bad turn. Pi explains he did a great job and his supporters knew it the whole time. They knew it when he said something as a fact. They knew it when he said it was taken out of context. And now, they know he was just being sarcastic. I guess I didn’t quite get it, but then, I’ve never delved into the sarcasm world. I imagine it could be an effective way to express your conflicting emotions. I worry though, that if, hypothetically speaking, I did dive into that world, people might thing I’m jaded. Not going there.

Have you caught on to the fact that I still haven’t figured out how I am? It’s kind of like being the skipper in a tough waterway, that I have actually never been on before, in a boat I have only seen in a movie. The buoys are hard to see. Did I mention I don’t know anything about sailing? It is a really pretty day, though.

Not all music is written to be pretty. That is how I ended a conversation with a friend who had read yesterday’s observations. He said, it’s like you want things to be funny but Z (as you call it) won’t let you quite do it. You jump around a lot, but I guess that is kind of what Z is making us do.

We had a long talk about stuff and I thought, that is a real friend. He let me know he understood what I was expressing. He did not say he liked or didn’t like it.

I’m feeling ok thank you. Thanks for asking again.

I missed Passover this year. Passover is a beautiful holiday to me. I am with family. Everyone loves each other. We discuss some of the issues the story raises. The concept that no man is ever really free if one is in bondage causes me to at least pause and recognize how spoiled I am.

Okay, I recognize Z’s power and I am going to fight Z for a while. I am going to practice piano, hula hoop, and workout today.

I have hit the point of diminishing returns, although some might argue I am well past that point. I will end this edition with the words I find myself saying or writing a lot. Stay Safe!

I just read what I have written so far and thought about a lot of you. Thanks for being here! Talk soon.

34 Day Z

Day Z is not a rap artist (yet). There is a lot going through my head right now.

What was going through my head just above shifted about two minutes ago. My friend Craig called me up. I was conflicted because I needed and wanted to talk to him, and I wanted to write down my stream of consciousness (he called it that. I try not to let people know I take certain things seriously, or as some of my friends tell me, way too seriously.

Voice 1: "don’t even look at who is