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    Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise
    Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise
    Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise
    Ebook134 pages2 hours

    Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise

    By Jane Middelton-Moz

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    About this ebook

    "It is my feeling that debilitating shame and guilt are at the root of all dysfunctions in families,” says Jane Middelton-Moz.

    A few common characteristics of adults shamed in childhood:
    You may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment and feelings of being inferior to others. You don’t believe you make mistakes, you believe you are a mistake. You feel controlled from the outside and from within. You feel that normal spontaneous expression is blocked. You may suffer from debilitating guilt; you apologize constantly. You have little sense of emotional boundaries; you feel constantly violated by others; you frequently build false boundaries.

    If you see yourself in any of these characteristics, you can learn how shame keeps you from being the person you were born to be and how to change that. Shame And Guilt describes how debilitating shame is created and fostered in childhood and how it manifests itself in adulthood and in intimate relationships. Through the use of myths and fairytales to portray different shaming environments, Dr. Middelton-Moz allows you to reach the shamed child within you and to add clarity to what could be difficult concepts.
    Read Shame and Guilt — you’re worth it.
    LanguageEnglish
    PublisherHealth Communications Inc EB
    Release dateAug 30, 2020
    ISBN9780757324048
    Shame & Guilt: Masters of Disguise

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      Book preview

      Shame & Guilt - Jane Middelton-Moz

      Introduction

      The impact of growing up in a shaming environment affects an individual’s life. Debilitating shame affects our ability to form loving relationships, honor ourselves adequately, and may impact our future generations. Yet it has only been in the last ten years that the dynamics of shame have received attention in the field of psychology. Helen Block Lewis (1987), in her book The Role of Shame in Symptom Formation refers to shame as the sleeper. Earlier attention was focused on guilt, and frequently the two emotions were confused. Shame was ignored entirely. It makes sense that shame would be ignored in that it is one of the most difficult feelings to communicate. We are ashamed of our shame.

      Books on shame are now being published. This is an important step in bringing it out of hiding. It is my feeling that debilitating shame and guilt are at the root of all dysfunctions in families. Our understanding of these masters of disguise will enhance our understanding of all adult children of dysfunctional families and/or communities. It will help explain why many adult children of depressed parents, abuse, religious fanaticism, war, cultural oppression, and parental and sibling death (to name a few) identify so readily with the characteristics of adult children of alcoholics. All these adult children have one thing in common… they grew up in shaming environments where the grief of the past was not resolved in the past and their parents in delayed grief could not healthily bond to children.

      Some of the difficulties that we have faced in understanding the concepts of debilitating shame and guilt are that the concepts have been confused historically in the literature and that the theoretical information has been difficult to understand.

      When I was asked to write a clear, easy-to-understand book on shame and guilt, I was excited by the challenge. I found that using fairy tales to portray shaming environments allowed readers to reach the shamed child in themselves and added clarity to sometimes difficult concepts. Throughout my research, I found that there were definable characteristics of shaming environments recounted by adult children who experienced debilitating shame in childhood. In this book, characteristics of shame-based behavior in relationships are explored and defined. I have listed these characteristics in several sections and have given examples that I believe will aid in the understanding of each characteristic on an emotional as well as cognitive level.

      As an introduction to the chapters that follow, I list and describe common characteristics of adults shamed as children and shame-based adults in relationships.

      Characteristics Of Adults Shamed In Childhood

      Adults shamed as children are afraid of vulnerability and fear exposure of self.

      Adults shamed as children may suffer extreme shyness, embarrassment, and feelings of being inferior to others. They don’t believe they make mistakes. Instead, they believe they are mistakes.

      Adults shamed as children fear intimacy and tend to avoid real commitment in relationships. These adults frequently express the feeling that one foot is out of the door, prepared to run.

      Adults shamed as children may appear either grandiose and self-centered or seem selfless.

      Adults shamed as children feel that, No matter what I do, it won’t make a difference; I am and always will be worthless and unlovable.

      Adults shamed as children frequently feel defensive when even minor negative feedback is given. They suffer feelings of severe humiliation if forced to look at mistakes or imperfections.

      Adults shamed as children frequently blame others before they can be blamed.

      Adults shamed as children may suffer from debilitating guilt. These individuals apologize constantly. They assume responsibility for the behavior of those around them.

      Adults shamed as children feel like outsiders. They feel a pervasive sense of loneliness throughout their lives, even when surrounded with those who love and care.

      Adults shamed as children project their beliefs about themselves onto others. They engage in mind reading that is not in their favor, consistently feeling judged by others.

      Adults shamed as children often feel angry and judgmental towards the qualities in others that they feel ashamed of in themselves. This can lead to shaming others.

      Adults shamed as children often feel ugly, flawed, and imperfect. These feelings regarding self may lead to focus on clothing and makeup in an attempt to hide flaws in personal appearance and self.

      Adults shamed as children often feel controlled from the outside as well as from within. Normal spontaneous expression is blocked.

      Adults shamed as children feel they must do things perfectly or not at all. This internalized belief frequently leads to performance anxiety and procrastination.

      Adults shamed as children experience depression.

      Adults shamed as children lie to themselves and others.

      Adults shamed as children block their feelings of shame through compulsive behaviors like workaholism, eating disorders, shopping, substance abuse, list-making, or gambling.

      Adults shamed as children often have caseloads rather than friendships.

      Adults shamed as children often involve themselves in compulsive processing of past interactions and events and intellectualization as a defense against pain.

      Adults shamed as children are stuck in dependency or counter-dependency.

      Adults shamed as children have little sense of emotional boundaries. They feel constantly violated by others. They frequently build false boundaries through walls, rage, pleasing, or isolation.

      Characteristics Of Shame-Based Adults In Relationships:

      We lose ourselves in love.

      When we argue, we fight for our lives.

      We expend a great deal of energy in mind reading. We frequently talk to ourselves about what our partners are feeling and needing more than to our partners.

      We pay a high price for those few good times.

      We often sign two contracts upon commitment, one conscious and another that is unconscious.

      We blame and are blamed.

      We want them gone, then fight to get them back.

      We know it will be different but expect it to be the same.

      We often feel that our partners are controlling our behavior.

      We are frequently attracted to the emotional qualities in another that we have disowned in ourselves.

      We often create triangles in relationships.

      We seek the unconditional love from our partners that we didn’t receive adequately in a shaming childhood.

      Throughout the remainder of this book, these characteristics will be fully explored.

      Prologue

      Much of what we believe about the world and ourselves is formed in childhood. Parents, those giants who take care of us, serve as the mirrors in which we not only create an image of who we are but how we feel about the person we are becoming.

      Childhood can seem like a magical time. We see the world in simple ways; events take place for simple reasons. In a home where the emotional environment is shaped by shaming or guilt-ridden parents, we can come to believe that we are at fault for all of the bad things that happen.

      Myths and fairy tales are some of the most powerful sources of life’s lessons for children. Stories of whimsy and magical powers, these tales were filled with images of good and evil, right and wrong, and portrayals of what good little boys and girls should do and be.

      Even as adults, some of our deepest memories, beliefs, and attitudes can be traced to the themes of our favorite myths or fairy tales. So as you begin to read this book, you will be taken back to Once upon a time… to experience a metaphorical tale of a little girl living with parents who tried to love her as best they could.

      1

      The Giant and the Chameleon

      Lessons In the Development of Debilitating Shame

      Once upon a time not long ago in the Kingdom of The Universe, there lived Giant and his mate, Chameleon. They lived in a house set high on a hill above a village called The World.

      Giant and Chameleon rarely spoke to each other or anyone else, for that matter. Chameleon was very shy and lived, so she believed, only to please Giant. Giant because of his great stature, acted as though he was superior to everyone else, including Chameleon. He seldom spoke to anyone and when he did, it was almost always to correct others, to brag about his generosity, great strength and long list of accomplishments. When others would dare to question him or criticize his bullying behavior, Giant would become enraged. He would remind them of his power and retreat to his space which no one dared enter. Giant was only comfortable completely alone or in total control.

      When Chameleon would venture out to the market for groceries, to go to work or to shop, she felt frightened and vulnerable. Unlike Giant, Chameleon felt herself to be less than everyone else in almost every way. Being with others felt embarrassing. She felt proud of Giant and the little pride she had in herself was that he had chosen her for his mate. Without him next to her, she felt worthless and unlovable.

      When there was no choice but to be around others, Chameleon would hide inside herself and study them. She watched their gestures, studied their moods, listened attentively to their beliefs and concerns, attempting to fulfill whatever was expected of her. She was very good at becoming what others thought she should be. She held others in awe and feared them.

      The smallest conflict terrified her, which made her feel even more ashamed that she was afraid. By watching others and looking like the image of their desires, she could become invisible in their presence. Invisibility was her safety; yet she felt angry after she became invisible. She often found herself mulling over these interactions long after a brief meeting.

      Sometimes in the evening she would talk to Giant about the people she had

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