Email From: The Librarian

Email From: The Librarian

Dale Carpenter

Copyright 2019 by Dale Carpenter.  All rights in all formats reserved.  No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, without prior written permission of the publisher.

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Carpenter, Dale

Email From: The Librarian

1.  Humor.

2.  Internet communications.

3.  Life lessons and wisdom earned.

4.  Quotations.

ISBN:  978-1-7332714-5-5

818 CAR

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EMAIL FROM: THE LIBRARIAN

Almost daily for over 5 years I sent emails to a small, select group of fun-loving crazies when I was the Librarian at a defense company in New Jersey.  I used the great help of The Old Farmer’s Almanac for the on this date in history notices.  Chase’s Calendar of Annual Events was used for the happening on this day information.

The Information Technology Department had set up a small, private email group in which only certain individuals were invited to participate.  A very active and lively sense of humor was one of the main criteria.  Also the ability to be the recipient of jokes, abuse and silliness.

Since I do not have permission to print any one else’s email, I am printing only mine, with explanatory comments where needed.  Also, everyone else was much funnier than me.  So let them write their own books.

1988

March

08-MAR-1988 11:08:08

From:  DALE   Bond, James Bond

Subj: Trends for 1988

After reviewing the current periodicals and shows at the cutting edge of trends, I have come up with a partial list of the fashion trends and items that will be IN during 1988.  Knowing some of you don't have as much time as I to follow such trends or you don't have access to the periodicals I do and others of you are barely literate, I am sending the list along to keep you informed and IN style.

AIDS is out as as a hot social disease. It's had too much airplay and discussion.  Leprosy is the hot new social stigma.  Look for at least two prime time TV shows with characters having leprosy and a lot of bit parts on other shows.

But since TV and video viewing are also on the way out those shows won't last long.  What's taking their place?  Reading.  Especially dull heavy Gothic novels and college textbooks.  This is useful for social commentary.  For the lighter touch read comic strips or the backs of cereal boxes.

Sports cars and yuppie mobiles are out this year.  VW's and old rusty Ford pickup trucks are in.  I mean so rusty you can watch the road go by under your feet while riding in the passenger seat.  These rust holes also handy for getting rid of the beer cans since drinking while driving is also on its way back in.  Supped-up hearses are also hot this year.

And while you're driving around you definitely want to stop in a greasy spoon diner instead of having Mom's cooking or eating at some fancy expensive place.  The diners have more atmosphere, more characters, and more grease for your buck.  I mean the place has to have a cook who is there 24 hours a day wearing the same filthy apron and chewing the same stubby cigar butt.  The Bendix Diner is the local hot spot for dining.

As the population continues its stratification, certain groups will start to come more into the public eye and carry their own clout.  Here are for the newest and hottest groups to belong to in 1988:

With the revival of viewing your past lives and belief in reincarnation, longing to make up for sins, real or imagined, performed in those past lives brings about a lifestyle of self abasement and abuse.  Wearing hair shirts, crawling on your knees, public self whipping will become common for those individuals

A common reaction to this will be this is my only life so I’m going to grab everything anyway I can.  Greed is the model of this group and a pistol or semi automatic shotgun is her standard.  Watch for them in rusty old pickup trucks or supped-up hearses and then run.

So we have one part of this population saying Whip me, beat me, I've been bad and another portion saying You’ve got it, baby.

Rubinesque women are back in style this year.  Usually found sitting on a couch reading a Gothic novel or watching Oprah Winfrey or Phil Donahue.  With this group the Tammy Faye Baker look is in.

Compared to this is the push-ups for lunch bunch as the exercise craze continues to gain momentum.  Arnold and Nadia are their idols.

In music, dancing close is back in style.  Arthur Murray is making millions.  Cha-cha, Calypso, foxtrot, the waltz and the minuet are big.  Surprisingly doo-wop and Gregorian chants make a come-back.

In clothing, anything goes for personal style but with the greed and violence is my motto bunch, sidearms are deftly in style.  Natural fabrics are out.  The newest hottest fabric is Polifly trademark by DuPont.  A uncomfortable very expensive fabric.  Also beards, long hair and tie-dye are back in this year.

New Jersey is starting putting its garbage into automobile compactors and dropping the cubes off the shore to build reefs and islands.  Within three years they plan to become one of the hottest surfing spots in the US.

With all the computer viruses around, computers are losing their status.  Counting on your fingers is back in.   Abacuses and slide rules returned to popularity.

In short notes:

Euell Gibbons is canonized as a saint.

Pagan religions see tremendous rise in membership.

Sniffing glue and fix a flat are big in the drug set.

Cannibalism is all the rage in the Midwest.

Wine coolers are out.  Thunderbird and Nighttrain are in.

Public execution returns.  Violent crime rates plunge.

Abstinence is shown to cause cancer.

Colorization of movies is banned.

Lichtenstein, Switzerland and Monaco invade France.

Some people are asking for public display of our 1988 resolutions.  I think this is sort of like airing our dirty laundry in public.  But okay, I’ll show my list.  Some of these are serious, others just whimsical, and others are listed with tongue firmly planted in cheek.  Place as much faith in these if you would in your gold plated, printed in the paper, swear to God presidential campaign promises.

Deadly Serious:

get more exercise, eat three balanced meals a day,

find a great girlfriend and get nookie once week, or a not so serious girlfriend and get nookie several times,

become a mass murderer or a corrupter of the American way of life,

spend less times with wimps, nerds, and arseholes and more time on the important things such as writing, visit, music, friends, saving money, eating, drinking, and working.

Sort of Serious:

get more exercise, eat right,

find a good girlfriend, get nookie at least once week or become a lounge lizard and get lots of nookie every week,

become a mass murderer of wimps, nerds and arseholes,

follow the presidential campaign without laughing or becoming nauseous,

spend more time writing and thinking,

increase my uptake of tobacco, caffeine and alcohol,

become an alchemist.

You’ve Got to be Kidding:

cut down on smoking,

make new friends,

cut down on drinking,

ignore leap year day,

win the lottery,

become a recluse.

In response to an insult from a co-worker:

24-MAR-1988 11:08:08

From:  DALE   Bond, James Bond

Subj: re: polish burglar

WARNING!!! these premises protected by Smith and Weston.

I is a member of Vigilantes Anonymous and will gladly blow you, John Wayne Glacy, Robert Chambers, Charles Manson, Ronald McDonald, and any other low-life scum off the face of the earth.

I'm making a list and checking it twice.  And you're near the top.

24-MAR-1988 12:10:03

From:  DALE   Bond, James Bond

Subj: re: your last 2 re's

First target that presents itself, BANG! no matter where they are on the list.  don't worry, i won't miss you.

I ain't obligated to do anything except make myself happy!

24-MAR-1988 12:10:33

From:  DALE   Bond, James Bond

Subj: re: making book

dang you, Dean.  why did you have to bring up that idea about a book of emails?  now when i publish a collection of computer mail messages and make a whole heap of money, Pat is going to want some so he can waste it on single-malt scotch, more armor-proofing for that tank of his, and playing football pools.  Not to mention going on the talk-show circuit and making it with floozy actresses backstage and with giggly stewardesses in airplane bathrooms.  And I have no doubt that you will want a small cut so you can make me poorer and your liquor store owner richer.  You probably want to make your Mazda pickup into a BIG-FOOT truck, right?

p.s.  but NO WAY are you guys going to be in the movie.  not even in a crowd scene....

25-MAR-1988 11:20:26

From:  DALE   Bond, James Bond

Subj: THE MOVIE IS HERE!

Dean, of course there is a movie in all these mail messages we've been sending back and forth. okay, once again, for all of you who may have come in late:

A young, intelligent, ruggedly handsome fellow is hired to clean up the trouble in a company department.  Upon arriving, he finds that most all of the employees act like zombies and their sense of humor and lust for living is null and void.  A real stick in the mud sort of place.  Also, his apartment house is on the border of a war zone, he has two young, cute, and giggly girls living across the hall from him, and the wicked witch of the east as a landlady.

The secretaries either