Grief Diaries: Through the Eyes of DID

Grief Diaries

THROUGH THE EYES OF DID

17 true stories about

dissociative identity disorder and living with

multiple parts, alters, identities & personalities

LYNDA CHELDELIN FELL

WITH

SUNSHINE PURCELL

AMELIA JOUBERT

Cover art by Andre

Denise Purcell’s alter

TRIGGER WARNING

This book contains potentially distressing content to

readers who live with dissociative identity disorder.

READ WITH CAUTION

A portion of proceeds from the sale of this book is donated to National Alliance on Mental Health, a nonprofit organization dedicated to building better lives for all who are affected by mental illness. For more information, visit www.nami.org

Grief Diaries

Through the Eyes of DID – 1st ed.

True stories about dissociative identity disorder

Lynda Cheldelin Fell/Sunshine Purcell/Amelia Joubert

Grief Diaries www.GriefDiaries.com

Cover art by Andre

Cover design by AlyBlue Media, LLC

Interior Design by AlyBlue Media LLC

Published by AlyBlue Media, LLC

Copyright © 2016 by AlyBlue Media All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed or transmitted in any form or by any means, without prior written permission of the publisher.

ISBN: 978-1-944328-31-3

Library of Congress Control Number: 2016919552

AlyBlue Media, LLC

Ferndale, WA 98248

www.AlyBlueMedia.com

This book is designed to provide informative narrations to readers. It is sold with the understanding that the writers, authors or publisher is not engaged to render any type of psychological, legal, or any other kind of professional advice. The content is the sole expression and opinion of the authors and writers. No warranties or guarantees are expressed or implied by the choice to include any of the content in this book. Neither the publisher nor the author or writers shall be liable for any physical, psychological, emotional, financial, or commercial damages including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential or other damages. Our views and rights are the same: You are responsible for your own choices, actions and results.

PRINTED IN THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA

GRIEF DIARIES

TESTIMONIALS

CRITICALLY IMPORTANT . . . I want to say to Lynda that what you are doing is so critically important. –DR. BERNICE A. KING, Daughter of Dr. Martin Luther King

INSPIRATIONAL . . . Grief Diaries is the result of heartfelt testimonials from a dedicated and loving group of people. By sharing their stories, the reader will find inspiration and a renewed sense of comfort as they move through their own journey. -CANDACE LIGHTNER, Founder of MADD

DEEPLY INTIMATE . . . Grief Diaries is a deeply intimate, authentic collection of narratives that speak to the powerful, often ambiguous, and wide spectrum of emotions that arise from loss. I so appreciate the vulnerability and truth embedded in these stories. -DR. ERICA GOLDBLATT HYATT, Chair of Psychology, Bryn Athyn College

BRAVE . . . The brave individuals who share their truth in this book do it for the benefit of all. CAROLYN COSTIN - Founder, Monte Nido Treatment Centers

"ACCURATE . . . These accounts portray an accurate picture of just what full-force repercussions follow the taking of a life." JAY HOWELL, U.S. Senate Investigator, Former Florida State Prosecutor, Co-founder - National Center for Missing & Exploited Children

HOPE . . . These stories reflect the authentic voices of individuals at the unexpected moment their lives were shattered and altered forever. Moments of strength in the midst of indescribable pain, resilience in the midst of rage; hope while mired in despair; each of which remind us in law enforcement to uphold our oath to protect and serve by never giving up. —SHERIFF SADIE DARNELL, Alachua County, Florida

HEALING . . . You are a pioneer in this field and you are breaking the trail for others to find hope and healing. -KRISTI SMITH, Bestselling Author & International Speaker

VITAL . . . Grief Diaries gives voice to the thousands of women who face this painful journey every day. Often alone in their time of need, these stories will play a vital role in surrounding each reader with warmth and comfort as they seek understanding and healing in the aftermath of their own loss. -JENNIFER CLARKE, obstetrical R.N., Perinatal Bereavement Committee at AMITA Health Adventist Medical Center

A FORCE . . .The writers of this project, the Grief Diaries anthology series, are a force to be reckoned with. I’m betting we will be agents of great change.

-MARY LEE ROBINSON, Author and Founder of Set an Extra Plate initiative

MOVING . . . In Grief Diaries, the stories are not only moving but often provide a rich background for any mourner to find a gem of insight that can be used in coping with loss. Reread each story with pen in hand and you will find many that are just right for you. -DR. LOUIS LAGRAND, Author of Healing Grief, Finding Peace

HEALING . . . Grief Diaries gives voice to a grief so private, most women bear it alone. These diaries can heal hearts and begin to build community and acceptance to speak the unspeakable. Share this book with your sisters, mothers, grandmothers and friends who have faced grief. Pour a cup of tea together and know that you are no longer alone. -DIANNA VAGIANOS ARMENTROUT, Poetry Therapist & Author of Walking the Labyrinth of My Heart: A Journey of Pregnancy, Grief and Infant Death

STUNNING . . . Grief Diaries treats the reader to a rare combination of candor and fragility through the eyes of the bereaved. Delving into the deepest recesses of the heartbroken, the reader easily identifies with the diverse collection of stories and richly colored threads of profound love that create a stunning read full of comfort and hope. -DR. GLORIA HORSLEY, President, Open to Hope Foundation

WONDERFUL . . .Grief Diaries is a wonderful computation of stories written by the best of experts, the bereaved themselves. Thank you for building awareness about a topic so near and dear to my heart.

-DR. HEIDI HORSLEY, Adjunct Professor, School of Social Work, Columbia University, Author, Co-Founder of Open to Hope Organization

THROUGH THE EYES OF DID

CONTENTS

TESTIMONIALS

CONTENTS

PREFACE

INTRODUCTION

GLOSSARY

THE BEGINNING

OUR REACTION

OUR AWARENESS

OUR PERSONALITIES

OUR WAKING

OUR ROUTINE

GOING OUT IN PUBLIC

THE SYSTEM

OUR ARRANGEMENTS

THE LEADER

LIVING WITH TRIGGERS

LIVING WITH PHYSICAL PAIN

SELF HARM

THE MIRROR

OUR FEAR

OUR FAMILY

OUR THERAPY

OUR UNIQUENESS

OUR SILVER LINING

OUR JOURNEY

MEET THE WRITERS

THANK YOU

LYNDA CHELDELIN FELL

ABOUT THE SERIES

BY LYNDA CHELDELIN FELL

PREFACE

In 1973, when the book Sybil was released, the world was captivated. Written by Flora Rheta Schreiber, it featured a patient diagnosed with dissociative identity disorder, known back then as multiple personalities. The story was so strange and unique that it was made into a television movie in 1976, and again in 2007. The good news is that Sybil opened the dialogue on a little understood mental illness. The bad news is that decades later, the portrayal remains the same: misunderstood and sometimes villainized.

Fast forward to 2015. I first met Sunshine when she registered under the name Denise Purcell to share her story about losing a daughter in Grief Diaries. Although her story was sad, I was struck by her writing. Between the lines I found a lovely, compassionate soul. We bonded immediately. Months later, Sunshine bravely shared with me that there are multiple alters—seventeen parts—who reside within Denise. I discovered that I had never actually met Denise, and all my interactions had been with her host alter, Sunshine. I knew her condition stemmed from childhood trauma, but that was all I knew and I left it at that. To me, Sunshine hadn’t changed since revealing her condition. She was still Sunshine, and I adored her.

I’ve since met a few more alters, each of whom is unique and special in his and her own way. Collectively, they comprise a wise and compassionate friend whom I’ve come to admire and love.

It’s been decades since Sybil was released, and yet those who live with DID continue to face deep societal stigma. They’re often accused of being crazy or fake, or just downright feared. I hope this book changes that. The writers have faced tremendous challenges throughout life with little support and sparse resources, yet each courageously bares all in this book in the hopes of helping others like them feel less alone, and for the rest of us to better understand.

Skeptics can be masterful spinners, so a few things are worth noting. First, when a writer contradicts themselves, it’s not because they’re lying. It’s because a different alter is answering, and he or she has a different perspective. Second, the analogy of a car or bus is used by multiple writers to describe what it’s like to live with DID. This analogy is used repeatedly because it works.

The writers understand that bravely sharing their private stories puts them at risk for more judgment, and yet they share anyway to help make a difference. They are true pioneering heroes.

Although most who live with DID suffered severe childhood trauma, this book isn’t about the trauma. Our purpose is to fight stigma, open the door to compassion by raising awareness, and offer comfort to others who share their path.

Welcome to our village.

Warm regards,

Lynda Cheldelin Fell

Creator, Grief Diaries

www.LyndaFell.com

BY SUNSHINE PURCELL

INTRODUCTION

I became acquainted with Lynda Cheldelin Fell while contributing to the book Grief Diaries: Surviving Loss of a Child. Through emails we developed a close friendship. I found that Lynda believed in helping others through sharing stories and experiences. This book, Grief Diaries: Through the Eyes of DID, also known as dissociative identity disorder, is a compilation of personal stories written by those who live with DID. This book is about how people with this disorder live, struggle, and survive each day in a world that seems to know so little about the subject. This is a real, painful truth we live with each day. As children, our minds could not cope with the traumatic circumstances, not being able to comprehend the abuse, so our minds created a safe haven and split off into a personality to deal with such horrendous circumstances. This is a coping mechanism.

As we get older and trauma is still occurring in our lives, we create more personalities to deal with it. Some of our personalities are developed just to function in the world and do daily tasks. Some personalities are fragmented and have no perception of the consequences of their own actions. Some are developed to get through social functions, family gatherings and such, and don’t hold a trauma at all. This is a way of life.

There are symptoms of eating disorders, relationship issues, gender issues, severe depression, posttraumatic stress disorder and pseudo seizures that come about through emotional stress and suppressing the trauma we endured. There is a significant amount of therapy needed along with medication, but every case is an individual one and should be treated as such. There is no cure. It may be manageable if all personalities are on board and living co-consciously with the others, but that can take years or even a lifetime. It’s learning to live in a world that knows very little about the disorder. Many people are misinformed, and we are often misdiagnosed. But one thing is certain: most of us who live with DID are unique and talented.

My greatest hope is that you will read this book and have better understanding and compassion when it comes to people living with this disorder. You can have a meaningful life both living with this or having a relationship with us.

My name is Sunshine, my birth name is Denise. I have dissociative identity disorder. We are seventeen personalities living in one body. There is sadness and a lot of love in this book. I thank everyone who participated, because I know how hard it is to keep focused most of the time. I thank Lynda for having the compassion and courage to help us tell each of our stories. I thank her for giving me the gift of friendship. That is a true blessing when you have lived a sheltered life. Lynda means the world to me.

I hope you enjoy this compilation of stories about us. Strength comes in numbers; we are many. If you would like to learn more about my life, join us on Sister Diaries with Sunshine on YouTube.

Much love,

SUNSHINE

Denise Purcell’s host alter

www.SisterDiarieswithSunshine.com

THROUGH THE EYES OF DID

GLOSSARY

ALTERS: Alters are dissociated parts of the self who operate and perceive the world independent of one another. Alters have different names, genders, ages, birthdates, skills, memories, triggers, and responsibilities. Some alters are more communicative. Some rarely, if ever, front. Alters can be related. For example, two of Denise Purcell’s young alters, five-year-old Sarah and seven-year-old Abbey, are sisters. When Sarah fronts, Abbey is always close behind.

CO-CONSCIOUS: Otherwise known as co-con, this refers to the ability of two or more alters to be aware of the outside world at the same time.

CORE: The core is the original part of the self that existed before the alters came into being. A core is different from the host. Depending on the system, the core may retreat so deeply that they rarely or never front.

DISSOCIATING: Dissociation is a mental process that allows a person to disconnect from thoughts, emotions, memories, and actions as a way to mentally escape fear and pain during trauma. Most individuals who develop DID have a history of repetitive, overwhelming, and often life-threatening trauma at a young age.

DOUBLE SWITCH: The ability to switch between alters very fast and undetected.

FLASHBACKS: Flashbacks occur when a dissociated memory rises to the surface, involuntarily transporting the alter back in time. The alter is forced to relieve the intense event as if it were actually occurring.

FRAGMENT: A fragment is an alter who is not fully developed, physically and/or consciously. Fragments may exist to carry out a single function, or to hold a single memory or emotion. For example, one of Denise Purcell’s alters has only an upper body, yet he serves a role within her system.

FRONTING: Alters who front take control of the body and the conscious part of the mind.

HOST: The host is the alter who is in control of the body and is conscious more than other alters. The host alter is often responsible for activities of daily living, though some of this may be supported by other alters. The host may or may not be the individual’s original personality.

INSIDE FAMILIES: See system.

INTEGRATE: Integration is when an alter absorbs into the individual, becoming a part and no longer a separate personality or identity.

INTROJECT: An internal projected image. Introjects are alters who were split off to represent outside people, most typically an abuser

LITTLES: Alters who are young.

MULTIPLE: DID was known as multiple personality disorder until 1994. Multiple is shorthand for someone with dissociative identity disorder.

OTHERS: Same as alters.

PARTS: Same as alters.

PLEURAL: Term used by people with DID to describe themselves.

POLYFRAGMENTED: Generally accepted definition for those with over 100 alters.

SINGLETON: Term used by people with DID to describe those who don’t live with DID.

SWITCHING: Switching refers to one alter taking or gaining control of the body. Switches can be consensual, forced, or triggered. If two alters choose to switch with each other, they usually have some degree of co-consciousness with each other. The alter who steps back might no longer be aware of the outside world.

SUBSYSTEMS: Subsystems are separate internal groups within one system. Groups from different subsystems may not be aware of one another. Groups may have good communication and co-consciousness among themselves, but may lose time when alters from other subsystems front. Subsystems may reside in different locations in an internal world, or may have non-overlapping internal worlds. Some subsystems might be entirely trauma-locked; for example, someone with DID might have a group of alters who experience themselves as permanently trapped in an abusive environment, can only rarely communicate with the main group of alters, and cannot understand that the body is no longer trapped and hurting.

SYSTEM: The system refers to all the alters together in one body, though not all who live with DID are aware of their system. Systems are also called collectives, internal or inside families, clans, or crews.

TRAUMA: A severely distressing experience resulting from acute physical or emotional pain that produces overwhelming feelings of terror, horror, or helplessness.

TRIGGERS: Trigger is a term referring to any stimulus that evokes a memory. Being aware of triggers allows an alter to prepare for it sometimes, but doesn’t make it go away or lessen. For instance, if loud noises are a trigger, one might help cope with the Fourth of July by wearing earplugs.

In the Mind of a Child

BY SUNSHINE

In the mind of a child,

so innocent and free

always exciting new days

awaiting to see.

Sweet innocence that

nothing can compare

the world is a safe place,

as long as you are there.

Taking their hand,

so soft, so small,

right there to catch them

if they happen to fall.

The feeling oh I can do anything,

just let me try

with warm hugs and kisses

that can stop any cry.

No worries, no pain

that hold them back,

full of love and wonder,

there is nothing they lack.

The smell of their skin

so sweet and new,

and when you’re feeling down

they are right beside you.

So give them a safe place

to have and to hold

and watch as they flourish,

and start to unfold.

In the mind of a child

so innocent and free

I once knew her,

that child was me.

CHAPTER ONE

THE BEGINNING

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself. -ANNA QUINDLEN

Formerly known as multiple personalities, dissociative identity disorder is a unique diagnosis in which one body is shared between two or more personalities. Often referred to as alters, each one has its own disposition and persona. Some have full identities, some do not. Most have names and distinct ages, but not all. In this chapter, each writer shares the beginning of his or her journey through living with DID.

*

ADRIANNE ALLEN-LANG

Adrianne was diagnosed with 10

personalities in 2015 at age 18

My parents split when I was two and a half years old. The night before my mother left is my earliest memory, and is the night when I birthed my dissociative identity disorder. I remember walking out to speak with my parents and asking them to stop yelling, because I was trying to sleep. My mother put me back to bed, and when I woke up again she was gone. 

For the next ten years I bounced between my parents who couldn’t be within meters of each other. I have many memories of them screaming at one another outside the car during custody exchanges. It was so bad that my father would not come to any of my school award ceremonies, all because my mother would be there and he’d start a scene.

My father was never involved with us very much, and would buy us expensive things so we wouldn’t bother him. He moved to the city with us when I was nine. Prior to that we would go back down to the country town and spend every second weekend with him and his friend. When I was four his friend started molesting me, and I was too scared to say anything. Kitty was birthed to deal with the trauma. 

My father also groomed me from a young age to prepare to leave my mum. He would always drill into my head that she hated my brother and me, and that we needed to be with him to be safe.

When I was twelve I moved from living with my mother full-time to living with my father, his girlfriend and her three kids. At this time I was in grade six of primary school and was getting bullied savagely. I was suicidal and using my dissociation and alters to get through each day. At this stage there were four of us including Az (host), Pumpkin (core), Kitty and Adrian. My father’s girlfriend at the time, M, and her kids would beat me. If I ever fought back to the kids, M would beat me even more and force me to do everyone’s chores while her kids got to lounge around and throw things at me.

When I started high school (middle school for anyone outside of Australia) the bullying escalated and I was given the typical response, What did you do to provoke them?

Just move away.

That doesn’t sound like the truth.

Your fault for having your bra showing.

My first year of high school birthed my fifth alter, Anna, a mute that I used to survive the bullying. I was thrown off moving buses, had my things stolen and thrown in trees, as well as a barrage of verbal and physical abuse. The second year of high school birthed number six, named Keegan. He started a lot of problems including fighting, violence, drugs, and alcohol.

One afternoon during class, a child was hitting me in the back. After warning him three times to stop, we just snapped and belted the life out of him. We had to be pulled off by two other male students, and that was the end of that high school. After being removed from there I suffered a psychotic breakdown where I had to be sectioned (detained under the Mental Health Act) for a week due to being a threat to myself and apparently others. I was held down and had my piercings ripped out of my ears, and was handcuffed to a hospital bed and ambulance gurney, all because I wanted to be left alone.

My diary was found, telling about my self-harming, suicide and others in my head, but it was used against me instead of to help me, I was thirteen at this time. This started a downward spiral of impulsive, reckless relationships, underage prostitution, and drug abuse, which didn’t ease up until my second pregnancy. During this stage I became pregnant with my first son due to a drug-hazed rape. I was belted within an inch of my life during school when I was seventeen weeks pregnant, and miscarried due to it. My alter Allie came about from this, the motherly feminist.

I went home to my father. His girlfriend pinned me up against a wall by my throat, told me I was a disgrace, useless, and to leave and never come back, or she would kill me. I went back to my mother for a bit but the local abuse escalated and I couldn’t cope, so I fled across the country to where I met my son’s father. He was highly physically, mentally, emotionally and financially abusive to me, as well as being a hardcore drug addict. I was too scared to leave, and at twelve weeks pregnant with my son, after a hospital stay and nearly losing him, I came home to abuse again. My son’s father spent eight hundred dollars on drugs and then started on me. He punched a hole through a wall and left me screaming in a corner, crying out that I’d rather kill myself and our baby than spend another second with him.

Suddenly it was like I was in a haze as I left him. I hated what I was doing, but I couldn’t stop, even as he was laying into me. I just kept moving around and packing up, protecting my stomach. I have since found out that it was an alter who ultimately saved my life and my child’s. Without my head mates, I believe we’d be dead either at the hands of my son’s father, or by our own. I have an introject (an internal projected image of an abuser) of my son’s father; his name is Muscle. Muscle torments me with nightmares and traumatic flashbacks, which means I don’t sleep much.

Since becoming a mother at sixteen, there have been more experiences of abuse that have not birthed new alters, but brought pre-existing ones to the surface. It is constantly a learning experience, especially when new rooms or things pop up in my inner world. There are currently ten of us including Az, Adrianne, Kitty, Pumpkin, Keegan, Muscle, Nurse, Harley, Myrnin and Anna, And I have no doubt you’ll hear from them throughout this book.

*

GAIL BUSWELL

Gail was diagnosed with 13

personalities in 2002 at age 24

My DID story is a very painful and debilitating one, and I only know the tip of the iceberg.

I have very little to no memory of my childhood. Hundreds of photos but no concrete memories. To the outside world my life was perfect. I lived with my mum, dad, and three siblings. We lived in a posh house and my dad was a very well known and loved bishop of my local church. I attended a private school and wanted for nothing. But the reality was that I was born into a cult led by my father (the title of father is now stripped from him). I suffered unspeakable satanic ritual abuse at the hands of my abusers.

In September 1999, my main abuser was arrested and sentenced to eighteen years in prison. He was tried on evidence alone and the verdict was unanimous. My world temporarily fell apart. My family disowned me, and I coped by spending the next two years traveling the world. I have very little memory of that time but tons of pictures. Upon my return I moved away from my hometown, leaving my past behind.

Life was good. We kept to ourselves. I was unique but very successful in my job. I was married and had three children. We, my internal system, worked well as a team. We participated in numerous activities and had many hobbies.

Fast-forward to 2015. Our abuser was due for parole. My life as I knew it was over. I was contacted to inform me of his release. Alters who had lain dormant became scared and active. My life became a living hell. New evidence was found against my abuser, and incriminated six other men too. After three months of painful questioning and my being forced to remember snippets of hell, our main abuser and his band of merry men will be incarcerated for life. My life went from bad to worse. I became an inpatient ten months ago and have yet to go home. I lost my children and my husband. My diagnoses are dissociative identity disorder, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, and emotionally unstable personality disorder with comorbidity of depression and anxiety.

*

KATT HART

Katt was diagnosed with hundreds

of personalities in 2011 at age 20

I was badly abused from age two by my grandparents and some people they knew. They recognized what they were doing to me, that they were creating different alters within me. I don’t know how many they made or why they kept doing this sort of thing. Eventually we moved a long way away from where they lived, which stopped them from hurting us.

My parents neglected me. They were always busy with other things, and I was looked after by relatives and family friends, many of whom were abusive. I was sexually abused and bullied by other children, as well. I was emotionally abused by my parents.

In my teen years I got into multiple abusive relationships, most of them sexually abusive, and some were most emotionally abusive. Some of them found out about my alters and used that against us. They had taken advantage of the fact that many of my alters were very sexual or terrified to say no.

When I was eighteen I started to figure out that I had DID. It was hard, and I was in denial a lot for a couple of years until I was diagnosed. I haven’t been able to access any therapy, as most are too expensive or won’t treat someone with DID. All the progress I’ve made has been made alone or with the help of the few understanding people I’ve met over the last few years.

In the recent past we haven’t had anyone who is out the most, so we don’t have a host or anyone who even identifies with the body that we’re in, but we make the best out of what we have. We switch alters often, but we have supportive people who are helping alters break out of the bad things they