Just*in Time Advice Column: Just*in Time Advice Column

About the Author

Photo by Don Harris © Don Harris Photographics, LLC. All rights reserved

Justin Terry-Smith was born in Columbia Maryland and was raised in the suburbs of Washington DC (Silver Spring, Maryland). He graduated from Paint Branch High School in 1998. He joined the United States Air Force in 1999 and was discharged honorably with awards and decorations in 2003. Justin moved back to the DC area and began to work for a DC HIV Non-profit. After 3 years of working in the HIV community, he himself was diagnosed with HIV. He did not let that stop him from living life. He eventually went back to college and earned an Associates in Communications from Axia College, a Bachelors in Political Science from Ashford University, and a Masters and Doctorate in Public Health from Walden University. He has been married since 2009 and has two sons, Lundyn and Tavis. Justin is of African American and Jewish descent/ancestry. In his spare time, he is pursuing acting and philanthropic avenues. The Advice in this book is the same advice Justin has given to his readers in the magazine A&U Magazine.

Just*in Time: February 2012

February 21, 2012

by Justin B. Terry-Smith

Hi Justin,

I was just wondering what your view was on abstinence? Do you think it is a good thing, possible, or is it unrealistic?

Thanks in advance.—gypsykatcher30

Gypsy,

Every time I hear one of my friends say, I’m going to be abstinent, I think about the reasons why they might say so. There are so many reasons. Some of the people I know decide to because of spiritual reasons, some do it because they are scared of catching HIV or an STI, and others because they suffer from low self-esteem and fear rejection. Listen, if you want to remain abstinent it is okay. I honestly think that anyone who wants to can but do it for the right reasons.

Do it because you want to and not because you are scared of something. Most of the friends that I have that are abstinent for spiritual reasons usually are able to be abstinent longer than my friends that do not, but that is only my experience. Also, abstinence is the only 100 percent way not to be sexually infected with HIV or any other STI. I for one could not do it at all. As some of you know I have been married since August 7, 2009, but before I dated my husband, I was single, and I thought about abstinence. Honey, if it works for you do it, but as for me I could not.

Justin,

I have been seeing a man for about two years now. I have been positive for about five years; my boyfriend is also HIV-positive, and he has been infected since 2006. He wants to have unprotected sex. Should I do it? I am so unsure about this—please help!

—Antonio

Antonio,

Listen up and listen up good. Do not do something you are unsure about or something that you are scared of. Go with your gut. I cannot tell you what to do but I can only speak of what I would do. I have been with the same man for almost six years and we still have protected sex. Just because you both have HIV does not mean that neither one of you are not opened to being able to be infected with other STIs. There are things such as hepatitis C, herpes, chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis, etc., that you can catch without using a condom.

But there is another side of the controversial subject that I will try to explain, because my opinion is not the be-all end-all say-so of sex between two HIV-positive people. So, you and your partner have been together and, if you are monogamous, there are some ways that people can get around harming either HIV-positive partner when having unprotected sex, but they are very risky. You need to have a very open and honest conversation with your partner about STIs, drug resistance, and treatment history. With HIV comes being susceptible to other STIs. Be ready to take those infections on just in case you are infected with one of them. Please keep in mind that chlamydia, gonorrhea, and syphilis are curable and less harmful if caught and treated early, but there is no cure for hepatitis C or herpes.

Knowing your resistances to any HIV drugs is paramount in this context, too. For example, say you are taking Atripla and you become resistant to Atripla; if you have unprotected sex then there is a chance that your partner might become resistant to his own medication. Past treatment is also important as well. Please discuss all the above with your partner. Thanks…and as the fabulous Miranda Priestley from the infamous movie The Devil Wears Prada says, That’s all!

Just*in Time: March 2012

March 5, 2012

by Justin B. Terry-Smith

What’s up, Justin?

Listen, I have been reading and watching your blog, Justin’s HIV Journal, and I have been a fan of yours and it is truly inspirational to see your strength through it all. Well, all in all, I have been diagnosed with HIV for a year now and I have been very open with my status to guys I have tried to date and to even some of my friends. Now I am single, and I feel more alone than ever. I have tried to date poz guys, but most of the ones I have met want to only bareback and I do not want any part of it. I am scared I will be alone for the rest of my life until the day I die. Any words of advice for me?

—Jason

Jason,

Hey, I am sure that some people who are reading your letter and who are HIV-positive will say that they have been there before, and I am not an exception. When I found out that I was HIV-positive, it was not easy dating at all. I had one guy who I was dating that told me he never wanted to see me again. Lo and behold, he also became HIV-positive about two years later.

We have to be strong and know that there will be someone out there that will love us for who we are and not see disease when looking into our eyes or soul. Now, when a man says that he does not want you because of your status, respect his decision and move on. The more time you waste thinking about a person who does not want you, the more time is wasted not looking for the one who does want you.

Look inside yourself and know that you are beautiful inside and out and if someone cannot see that then fuck them.

Also, and this has helped me, I suggest that you find an activity that makes you happier than hell and go for it head-on. Keep in mind, too, that there are groups that do have a poz theme to them that are not about dating but about networking and having people that are or will go through the same things you are. Also, if your friends are starting to turn their backs on you just because you have HIV then they are not really your friends and you do not need that drama.

I find that there are a lot of people who want a relationship when they are first diagnosed because they are looking for that acceptance that it is okay and that someone will love them. I am not saying this is happening with you but keep that in perspective. All I am saying is that be comfortable with yourself and love yourself—then that will open your heart to be loved by someone else.

Justin,

I need your help. My boyfriend and I have been together for two months and I really love him. We met at a club in Philadelphia; he was dancing and when I saw him, I was instantly attracted to him. I started to dance with him, and we eventually sat down for a drink and to talk. After that, we started seeing each other sporadically, but recently our relationship has gotten more and more serious. The more we are together the closer we are to having sex. I do not know what to do—should I tell him?

—Michelle

Michelle,

Okay, honey, this is a situation that we all as HIV-positive people have to deal with. The should I tell him or her and how question is a hard one to swallow. But sweetie, hold on, because you might need some water to swallow it down.

Okay, in my opinion, tell him!!! Well, if you two have not been intimate then that is good because he should at least have the choice of knowing that this is not what he wants. Give him the option to say no or to say yes.

In my opinion, the earlier you tell him the more he will respect you in the end. Also, there are laws in some states that have been enacted to criminalize people who are living with HIV. I am not here to scare you, but you need to know the truth.

When you tell him, I suggest that you do so in a very comfortable and familiar setting to you both. Be very careful. When telling a loved one it can be very hard. I can relate—I did not even get a chance to tell my own mother; she found out through a family member, one I thought I could trust. It is better if he hears from you than one of your friends or family members. Remember, Michelle, there are worse things than to tell your partner that you have HIV, and that would be to not tell him. Stay strong honesty is the best policy.

Just*in Time: April 2012

April 5, 2012

by Justin B. Terry-Smith

Justin,

I found you through a search on Google for HIV. I need your help. I am an HIV-negative female. I have a best friend named David. We have been friends for sixteen years and it was back in high school that we met. We dated briefly but we decided to become friends and plus he was gay—LOL. But the reason why I am writing you is because he found out a couple of months ago that he was HIV-positive. When he told me, I broke down and cried; we cried together for at least an hour. After that he started going out to clubs a lot and stopped calling as often. I visited him and I have never seen his house look so dirty. Dust was everywhere and he looked like hell and obviously was not taking care of himself. I want to know what I should do. Please let me know what you think I should do.

—With + love,

HIV-Negative Woman

Dear HIV-Negative Woman,

Okay, there are so many things that I could tell you. But in my opinion, he sounds like he is depressed. After finding out that I was HIV-positive the same thing happened to me. I started going out without my friends and I started doing a lot of things that I would not normally do. I started partying late, drinking a lot, and doing drugs.

Then I met someone who helped me. He looked at my apartment, looked at me and held me. He told me, Let it out, and then I cried. Now I am not saying that you should do this with David but what I will say is that, if you really want to help you have to love him, and now that the simple part is out of the way, check him! It is time to not let him get away with anything. Evaluate the situation and try to be there for him. He might want to go into counseling as well. Sometimes we can admit things to strangers more easily than we can admit things to friends and family. HIV is a tough cookie to swallow—when some of us are diagnosed we become instantly depressed and HIV feeds on that depression. We should never go down without a fight. I say this because I most definitely will not, and neither should David. Try to pull him out of his rut. Love him and then show him.

Dear Justin,

I have decided to stop taking my meds. They make me tired all the time and I do not like what they have done to my cholesterol or skin. I have been watching one of your videos on Justin’s HIV Journal and I see that you were going through the same thing. Do you have any advice for me?

—Divo

Divo,

You bet I do. This matter I take rather seriously. Take supplements to help level your cholesterol and watch what you eat as it also contributes to skin care as well.

Now, let us talk about you wanting to stop taking your meds. It is your choice but be aware of the consequences. You are going to leave yourself open to more infections because HIV disrupts your immune system and the meds that you are taking are not only helping to stop HIV from becoming unmanageable, but they are also helping your body to keep fighting against other infections. Like cancer. Your body fights off cancer cells every day; when someone has HIV, the body starts concentrating on HIV but has to have enough T-cells to fight against the cancer as well.

Analyze why you wish to stop taking meds. My friend Joshua just died on the 19th of March because he stopped taking his meds. He got sick and he died. His name goes on a list of so many others that I have known, and I am only thirty-two.

All in all, stay on your meds.

Just*in Time: June 2012

June 21, 2012

Justin,

You probably get messages like this a lot, but I am a little worried.

I had unprotected sex about six to seven months ago. I was a virgin, and he was, too. He claimed he was clean and everything, but my state of mind was not really all that good afterwards.

Anyway, I am worried I might have been exposed to HIV, but I have not had any of the symptoms, like lymph nodes swelling, though about two weeks ago I got a cold…well, I hope that it was a cold. My glands did not swell, and I got a sore throat for a bit and I kept having these heat spikes where my temperature would go up and then down, but only lasting a few seconds. I am still sniffling. Toward the end of the major symptoms my gums started to ache, and my jaw hurt, too. I might be worrying over nothing, but I just hope you can give me some advice. I mean if I have it can I still live a long life?

—Harvey

Well, after reading your question I wanted to break it down so I, for one, better understand. Okay, so he said he was a virgin. Ask yourself this, How can you look at someone and tell they are a virgin? The answer is you cannot. Also using substances that lower your inhibitions make you more susceptible to HIV/AIDS. So, we must watch out for ourselves and ask questions.

If you are worried that you might have been exposed, then the best thing to do is to get tested for HIV. HIV is a tricky disease, and it is different with everyone. Some people have no symptoms at all, even when they have been infected for a long time. Also, if you are having a sore throat, heat spikes, and other viral symptoms, you might want to see a doctor. The best thing that you could do in either situation—whether it is a common cold or something HIV-related—is to get medical attention. Also, if you are infected with HIV you can still live a long healthy life, but you will have to take care of yourself more than you used to. In a study researcher predicted that a twenty-year-old person starting HIV medications between 1996 and 1999, the early years of combination antiretroviral drug therapy, could expect to live an additional thirty-six years, to the age of fifty-six, than if they were not on treatment. Over time the number of years increased significantly. A twenty-year-old who started treatment between 2003 and 2005 could expect to live an additional forty-nine years, to the age of sixty-nine. Now these numbers are great but make sure that you stick with your medications, exercise, and eat right. You will be okay, negative, or positive. ☺

Hi Justin,

I subscribed to your YouTube channel recently and I absolutely adore your videos. Not only are you incredibly courageous, but you are also so well spoken and intelligent! You emanate strength, and everything that you are doing for the community as a whole is truly remarkable. Praise aside, I do have a question for you: What are your thoughts on the HIV [antibody] testing window period? It is something that truly disturbs me; the thought that I could be positive but test negative regardless is torturous. I have been tested many times in my life, all of which have thankfully come back negative, but I struggle with never having peace of mind. The constant doubt lingers, Okay, so you’re ‘negative,’ but what if your results were only negative because you were exposed too recently for the test to detect?

—Rebecca

Yes, I am a big advocate for people knowing their status. The window period is something that we cannot do anything about now. I tell people who are sexually active to get tested every three months. Getting tested every three months can shave down that window a tad. Also, there is even a better test to close that window known as the Architect HIV Ag/Ab combo assay, which can catch the infection early. Studies have shown that this particular test may detect HIV up to twenty days earlier than antibody-only tests, which is important in controlling the spread of the virus.

Just*in Time: July 2012

July 20, 2012

Justin,

I am somewhat of an AIDS denialist. For all that I have researched, read, studied, and learned, I have a hard time accepting what I’ve unlearned. At the same time, the passing of a close cousin and Christine Maggiore has forced me to ask myself, ‘If I were HIV-positive, would I have the strength of my convictions to live the life I advocate, like Christine, or would I take