How to Steal A Lot of Money: Legally

"Ted Siedle is a master when it comes to forensic investigations and over decades in the legal trenches, he has seen it all. In writing a best-selling book about pensions with him last year I saw not only his tenacity but his talent for cutting to the chase, for seeing the real story… for taking no prisoners. His experience, his legal expertise, his sharp analytic skills, and a hard dose of reality make How to Steal a Lot of Money—Legally a fascinating read and a statement on one my favorite exercises in studying life and money: Standing on the edge of the proverbial ‘coin’ so we can clearly see both sides… and learn from all of it."

—Robert Kiyosaki, author of the international bestseller Rich Dad Poor Dad and co-author of Who Stole My Pension?

with Edward Siedle

With the U.S. Treasury Department recommending ‘mandatory’ financial-literacy courses for college students, teaching how Wall Street steals is a sure way to engage readers young, as well as old. A complete education should include learning the way things really work in the real world, not just how they are supposed to work in a perfect world.

—Robin Rayfield, President,

Ohio Retired Teachers Association (ORTA)

Every government worker, every American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees (AFSCME) member, needs to understand how Wall Street scheming undermines their retirement security. As Siedle says in the book, Either study bad behavior and be forewarned, or risk losing everything you own."

—J. Michael Downey, President, American Federation of State, County and Municipal Employees, Council 94 Rhode Island

Learning about investment scamming at the highest levels will help workers, including SEANC’s 55,000 members, defend themselves and their families in the life and death struggle that plays out every day between investors and Wall Street. After 30 years spent investigating Wall Street looting over $1 trillion from investors, forensics expert Edward Siedle certainly is most qualified to write about the subject.

—Ardis Watkins, Executive Director,

State Employees Association of North Carolina (SEANC)

Edward Siedle is the Sam Spade of Money Management.

—Pensions & Investments

Other investigators go beyond looking for outright fraud. Edward Siedle specializes in ferreting out excessive fees and conflicts of interest…

—Checking Out Your Financial Adviser, Forbes

The Pension Detective: Fraud investigator Edward Siedle looks at consultant and money manager abuses and what plan sponsors can do to prevent them.

—Plan Sponsor Magazine

The Ohio Retired Teachers Association is turning to an equalizer" in their effort to restore a cost-of- living adjustment to pensions from the State Teachers Retirement System. ORTA’s equalizer is a lawyer, accountant, whistleblower, columnist and author, Edward Siedle.

—Fremont News Messenger 2020

Edward Siedle has spent more than three decades pioneering pension forensics, searching out excessive and hidden fees, conflicts of interest, and transparency problems.

—Institutional Investor 2014, 2015

List of 40 Most Influential Players in US Pensions

How to Steal a Lot of Money

—Legally

A practical guide to investment scamming by the nation’s leading financial crime investigator, former US Securities and Exchange Commission attorney, and record $78-million whistleblower-award winner.

Clueless crooks go to jail

Savvy swindlers go to Vail

Edward Siedle

Based upon true events.

Foreword by Curtis Loftis

State Treasurer South Carolina

Copyright © 2021 by EDWARD SIEDLE

All rights reserved.

No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in a retrieval system, or transmitted in any form or by any means, electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, scanning, or otherwise, without the prior written permission of the author.

Limit of Liability/Disclaimer of Warranty: While the publisher and author have used their best efforts in preparing this book, they make no representations or warranties with respect to the accuracy or completeness of the contents of this book and specifically disclaim any implied warranties of merchantability or fitness for a particular purpose. No warranty may be created or extended by sales representatives or written sales materials. The advice and strategies contained herein may not be suitable for your situation. You should consult with a professional when appropriate. Neither the publisher nor the author shall be liable for any loss of profit or any other commercial damages, including but not limited to special, incidental, consequential, personal, or other damages.

HOW TO STEAL A LOT OF MONEY--LEGALLY

Clueless Crooks Go to Jail, Savvy Swindlers Go to Vail

by Edward Siedle

1. BUS036000 2. EDU013000 3. LAW083000

ISBN: 978-1-949642-75-9

EBOOK: 978-1-949642-76-6

Cover design by LEWIS AGRELL

Printed in the United States of America

Authority Publishing

11230 Gold Express Dr. #310-413

Gold River, CA 95670

800-877-1097

www.AuthorityPublishing.com

Smashwords Edition

If—

If you can devise a scheme,

Built upon foolish dreams;

That transfers wealth of others to you,

Dollar-for-dollar—patiently over time,

Without conviction of any crime;

You’ll never go hungry,

Or be on the run;

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And—which is more—you’ll be a con man, my son!

(Apologies to Rudyard Kipling)

Table of Contents

Foreword by Curtis Loftis, State Treasurer South Carolina

Preface

Chapter 1 I Can Teach You to Lie, Cheat, and Steal a Lot of Money—Legally

Chapter 2 My First Encounter with a Velvet-Throated Investment Huckster

Chapter 3 Why Scammers Love Florida, Country Clubs, Charities and Churches

Chapter 4 Getting Victims to Willingly Hand Over Their Money

Chapter 5 How to Create a Compelling Fake Background and Resume

Chapter 6 Nothing Succeeds Like Being, or At Least Looking, Rich

Chapter 7 How to Look Rich and Successful—When You’re Not

Chapter 8 Find the Perfect Victims for Your Perfect Crimes

Chapter 9 How to Get Paid Handsomely for Doing Nothing

Chapter 10 Don’t Worry About Cops, Steal From Them!

Chapter 11 How Scammers Define Success

Chapter 12 You Will Need Selling Documents

Chapter 13 Dirty Rotten Scoundrel Disclosure

Chapter 14 Behind Every Successful Scammer Stands a Crooked Lawyer (and Accountant)

Chapter 15 The Elegance of Wealth Transfer Schemes

Chapter 16 Most Victims of Fraud Won’t Sue

Chapter 17 Sell What People Want to Buy and Prosper Forever

Chapter 18 Charge High Fees, Pay for Marketing Muscle, Sell More Than Ever!

Chapter 19 How to Make Your Investment Performance Look Great

Chapter 20 When You Value the Assets, You’re Always Adding Value

Chapter 21 Let Me Help You Sell Your Crappy Product to the Dumbest Investors

Chapter 22 Create a Binding Cradle-to-Grave Abusive Relationship

Chapter 23 Set the Lowest Possible Standards for Yourself

Chapter 24 Keeping Investors in the Dark: Informational Advantages Scammers Can Exploit

Epilogue

Supplementary Reading Materials

Forbes articles

Forensic Investigation of the Employee Retirement System of Rhode Island

Foreword

When Ted Siedle called to tell me about this project, he began by saying, Two things I know about you, Curtis. You despise corruption, and you’re passionate about financial literacy. I’ve got just the book for you. Okay. He had my attention.

I, of course, knew that Ted had ferreted out his share of corruption. Over his 35-year, career beginning with the United States Securities and Exchange Commission, he investigated and exposed many Wall Street thieves who routinely – and often legally - pocketed investor money. His work earned both a distinguished Whistleblower Award and the respect of many people like me.

But still, financial literacy? As the elected Treasurer of South Carolina and the administrator of a program that seeks to create Master Teachers of Financial Literacy in K-12 schools, I am keenly aware of how devastating a lack of financial knowledge can be. But what had Ted learned on Wall Street that would help bolster the dearth of financial literacy in America today, and would people really want to read about it?

Once I received a copy of the book, I knew. People will not only want to read about it, they have to read about it - because Ted’s book isn’t simply telling people how to become financially competent. It’s showing them how to become financial pros.

How to Steal a Lot of Money – Legally operates on the premise that you can’t win the game if you don’t know the rules, and its fascinating tales of corruption prove that the rules are not the rigid, set-in-stone concepts we expect them to be. Ted should know. He learned the rules from the best to ever play the game. They were Wall Street quarterbacks who knew the rules so well they could bend them, twist them, stomp on them and sling them around.

The result is a master’s class in financial literacy that even those of us with the smallest of investments needs to take. It helps us understand who and what we’re dealing with not only to avoid being ripped off, but also to win the game.

How to Steal a Lot of Money – Legally teaches the rules, the exceptions and all the nuances in-between that up to now, only the insiders and investment swindlers knew. It shows us how to accumulate wealth while avoiding the snares and pitfalls laid out by a host of unscrupulous scammers. The result is a lesson for the modern-day everyman that none of us can afford to ignore.

With How to Steal a Lot of Money – Legally, Ted Siedle has given us the cheat codes for a Wall Street win, and those of us who hate corruption and champion the little guy are cheering loudly from the cheap seats.

About the author: Curtis Loftis was elected State Treasurer of South Carolina in 2010. As Treasurer, Loftis serves as the state’s banker, managing, investing and retaining custody of more than $60 billion in public funds. He also serves as the Chairman of the Board of Financial Institutions, the administrator of the state’s Future Scholar 529 College Savings Plan, Palmetto ABLE Savings Program and the South Carolina Unclaimed Property Program.

A national advocate for greater accountability, transparency and fiscal management, Loftis has championed a number of causes, including public pension reform, modernization of treasury, banking and investment operations, financial education in K-12 schools and most recently, Operation Check Reduction, which reduces the state’s reliance on paper checks in favor of more efficient, secure and cost-effective electronic payment methods.

Preface

Ask this man to dinner, you gonna have to feed him, I replied to the man on the phone with a laugh and it’s got to be Maxwell’s Chophouse in Boca Raton.

Maxwell’s had a terrific mahogany-paneled piano bar, soft lighting, and allowed cigar smoking. Add in an expertly crafted Manhattan cocktail on the rocks, a top-notch, thick, marbled charbroiled ribeye steak, and a band playing Sinatra live—that’s about as close to heaven as you’re going to find in South Florida, in my opinion.

The glow of one night at Maxwell’s has never faded over the passing years. Twenty-two years ago, my foolish heart had led me to anxiously arrange with the maitre d’ in advance to have a waiter deliver on a silver platter a once-in-a-lifetime offering to my dining companion. Along with the dessert I had ordered for the breathlessly charming, lovely young woman I was very much in love with, was a black velvet box concealing a diamond engagement ring.

Upon presentation of the ring, the pianist and the singer, on cue, performed the Jerome Kern and Dorothy Field lover’s classic, The Way You Look Tonight.

Some day, when I’m awfully low

When the world is cold

I will feel a glow just thinking of you

And the way you look tonight

The plans and dreams of that magical night have become reality: an artistic, lively home on the beach for a family with two children—each more brilliant than the diamonds in my wife’s ring—and an aging couple still very much in love. Framed in our cabana bathroom leading to our dock is this truism:

If you’re lucky enough to live by the ocean, you’re lucky enough.

While we’re as stressed as any modern family and often forget to be thankful, we have, indeed, been lucky enough.

For sure, Maxwell’s Chophouse is pricey. But since my pal Duncan on the telephone had just asked me where I wanted to be taken for dinner and evidently was prepared to pick up the tab—that was his problem, not mine.

Still, I wasn’t sure this kid could afford it. Are you seriously going to fly all the way from Nebraska to South Florida, to take me to dinner? Maxwell’s ain’t cheap and I eat—not to mention drink—A LOT.

Mr. Siedle, Duncan said (always profusely respectful), if you can set aside an evening to meet with me, I’ll be there—in a heartbeat. Don’t worry about the cost of the dinner. Your time is more valuable than any meal. I owe you far more than you can imagine, he said.

Plus, he teased, I’ve got a surprise that’s really going to blow your mind.

A surprise for me? That was refreshing, as well as intriguing. If you’re going to lure me into a seemingly pointless meeting with you, by all means promise me an unexpected treat. What surprise could this young man—who I figured to be in his late twenties—have for me? Was this devout, fundamentalist Christian cornhusker giddy about having just bought his first tractor or, better still, getting married? If so, that was really, really great news he should be sharing with his family, or someone else who might give a fuck—anyone but me.

I had grown fond of Duncan over the months we’d been writing and calling one another but, in fact, I’d never met him in person.

Getting to know Duncan had started out innocently enough—he’d been an enthusiastic reader of a series of articles I was writing.

Fifteen years ago I was asked by an editor at Forbes, to whom I had been a source on dozens of stories related to Wall Street thievery, to become a regular contributor to its emerging online magazine, forbes.com. I’ve written hundreds of Forbes articles since then and somewhere along the way I inadvertently crossed the line, entering the confusing world of modern-day media.

I’m not a journalist who gets paid to write about matters as an observer or non-participant. I mostly write about my professional wanderings—what I uncover in my forensic investigations of investment scams. Since I’m one of the few experts who regularly undertakes these extraordinary reviews—which I refer to as autopsies—and the only one who writes about them, I’ve developed an audience of millions of readers.

In recent years, I have become well-known for my commentary on pension and other big money investment scams involving household names. I don’t write, study, or care about rogue penny stockbrokers or petty hucksters. These two-bit swindlers, in the words of country singer-songwriter Dolly Parton, ain’t worth killin’.

The investment industry, as well as the limited media cheerleaders that cover it (such as CNBC) would have the public believe that most people and firms in the business of investing other people’s money are honest and that scammers are the rare exception—the few bad apples.

That’s simply not true.

People in any business involving handling other people’s money are, first and foremost, human. If trusted with other people’s money long enough, they will sooner or later succumb to the temptation to take some for themselves.

Count on it. And when they do, they often make far more money—faster—than they would by earning it honestly.

Don’t get me wrong. Fighting high-end financial crime can pay very well, too, and thankfully I’ve earned what most would consider a fabulous amount of money over the course of my career. I’ve been blessed many times over financially. But Wall Street criminality pays a whole, whole lot better and more fortunes have been made from scamming than from legitimate investment activity. At times it really pisses me off to see bad behavior rewarded far greater than the good.

I could easily live with the fact that doing the right thing will never pay as well as stealing. What really stings is the acrimony and thanklessness of the herculean effort required to remedy wrongdoing. It’s a lot easier to lose money than it is to get even some of it back, and people rarely appreciate the messenger who tells them that the advisor they have entrusted with their savings is a cheat. Lying hucksters are generally well-liked by their clients—at least initially—or they wouldn’t have been granted access to client money to later steal. Victims grimace when I ask uncomfortable questions that, if truthfully answered, will expose there is a weasel in the room.

Don’t forget that the Madoffs of the world are smooth-talking, natural-born salesmen hawking feel-good pedicures and massages everybody wants. They make what I call the happy sale. They flatter their victims and pander to their dreams. Yes, this low-risk investment will produce enough income to easily support the retirement lifestyle you’ve always dreamed of. It’s a rare opportunity reserved for successful, wealthy people like you who deserve the very best. Leave your money with me, go take a long cruise around the world, and call me when you get back.

I, on the other hand, often feel like a shrill voice peddling excruciatingly painful colonoscopies which no one wants. I’m offering nightmares—not dreams. I make the "unhappy sale. I tell clients: Not only has this so-called low-risk investment which seemed almost too-good-to-be-true not earned the high returns promised you, but half of your life savings are gone—either carefreely spent by you (thinking you had more money than you really did) or pilfered by your financial adviser. Now pay me if you’d like to find out exactly what happened and whether it’s possible to get even some of the money back. The party’s over, sober up."

So, in 2012, I had decided it was time to take a break from railing about Wall Street thievery and write a series of brutally truthful articles in Forbes celebrating—as opposed to bemoaning—the inescapable conclusion that intelligent financial criminals often do very well indeed. It was time to openly embrace shining reality, as opposed to continue cursing the darkness, I reckoned. In March of that year, I wrote the first in a series of articles for Forbes entitled, How to Steal a Lot of Money. I wasn’t sure how popular the series would be or how long it would run but I figured I’d write about the subject in installments whenever time permitted.

One of the weird things about my forensic work is that there can be long periods of downtime, when seemingly not a single client in the whole wide world wants me to investigate their particular millions or billions or even trillions of dollars in jeopardy. One month I can be on a roll—a minor celebrity appearing at press conferences, on talk radio, and television; the next I’m feeling like an under-employed nobody.

The brilliant fictional detective Sherlock Holmes, who was not a regular drug addict, resorted to cocaine and morphine during periods when he was idle—having no case at hand—in protest against mental stagnation.

I’m no drug-crazed Sherlock. I’ve learned that in order to be an effective investigator, I have to control both my enthusiasm—(i.e., question my strongest instincts or hunches until all the facts come in), as well my discouragement—(i.e., be mindful that positive outcomes I have not envisioned may emerge from the wreckage). Dramatic mood swings need to be held in check to survive the rollercoaster ride of forensic investigations.

Downtime can be maddening for the over-active mind and is precisely when one is most likely to do something stupid out of desperation. Writing the How to Steal series would, I figured, keep me out of harm’s way—at least free from self-inflicted harm.

The first article began with the following provocative statements:

It’s been said that crime does not pay and that cheaters never prosper. Neither of these statements is true and you should not be dissuaded from a life of theft by such homilies. History is replete with examples of people who have done very well for themselves by stealing from others. Vast personal fortunes have been amassed using illegal, ahem, business practices. Call them robber barons" or aggressive capitalists, many were criminals. Furthermore, since financial crimes involving the greatest sums of money