It's My Life: Let Me Live the Way I Want

Copyright © 2014 by Prajyoti Pati.

ISBN:      Hardcover            978-1-4828-3849-7

                Softcover              978-1-4828-3848-0

                eBook                   978-1-4828-3847-3

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Dedication

This book is dedicated to the only girl of my life, my Angel. Thank you, Angel, for making it possible for me.

It’s not for you to listen or read or understand or execute. Neither it is for you to pass time nor repent. It’s for you to think beyond the thoughts, dream beyond the dreams and live as no one has ever lived. Live as you want, not as your parents or siblings or friends or relatives want. No one can fit into your shoes nor can you fit into anyone else’s. No need to pacify, no need to justify, you know what you are and that’s what matters at the end of the seconds. And yes, no need to second anyone. So many people tell you so many things, advise you so many things when neither you need something nor you expect. And the best part is the advisors, the well-wishers and the guides who forget all those beautiful suggestions when they get into the same pit. Does it sound funny? Oh! It really is not. It’s hilarious. I laugh out loud when I think about these so-called two-legged creatures known as human beings. And no one but me enjoys the echo of my own devil’s laugh. I am not lonely although I am alone. I don’t let anyone pity my aloneness as they are too naïve to misunderstand it. I am beyond all these emotions. And I bestow my gratitude upon you for showing me the path to revive myself and leave the feelings behind. The closed doors are opened to visualize my soma in the mid of Antarctica and in the Sahara and in the Pacific. Said Sayuri without a pause.

Her breathless thoughts left him stunned. His eyes were wide open. His mind was disturbed as he has never heard her speaking in such glibness. He was astounded with her volubility. He has never seen her speaking with such depth. He thought whether it was the same tacit person with whom he had lived for half a decade or was she someone else. This part of her was never revealed to anyone at any point of her life but to her own self.

She went numb after speaking out so much with a wonder. She thought to herself what made me share my thoughts with someone like him? Is he so important for me? Will he understand the meaning behind the words? Why didn’t he interfere? What is going on in his mind now? Why am I uncontrollable? Am I in love with him? Her inquisitiveness came to a pause when the smell of the lily intruded.

She touched his left cheek to break his numbness. He was so afraid to utter a single word. Rising from his senselessness, he wished to leave the garden and run away as far as he could from the shade of the tree. He wanted to run till the sea shore and swim till her fear released him. He was shivering inside and only she could feel his fear. Anyone else with him could never have known how afraid he was. She knew people around her so well that she did not need any clarification.

Fear? What is fear? What was he afraid of? Was he afraid of her? Why? Was it just because she had spoken so much? Or had she committed a crime as this is a male dominated society? He was unsure of everything. However, he was certain about his intuition that she was the one who could understand his silence, read his eyes, and feel his numbness. He had never felt this for anyone even after being with so many people. He was not a bisexual but he never had this feeling for them whom he refers as his best buddies.

The tree above shaded some of its flowers, the birds chirruped and the wind blew. She held his hands in hers, looked into his eyes and told him, You do not need to be afraid of anything. Fear nothing but your own self. No one has the power to betray you, belittle you, demean you or demotivate you but your own self. No one cares about you or think of you but you. Then why and what are you afraid of? Fear is nothing but a thought generated in the mind because of some aberration or some unusual happening which kills all the positive feelings. Almost all creatures have phobias and the two legged creatures top the chart. So many of these creatures have the fear of so many things. I have seen some of them afraid of water, some are afraid of heights, some are afraid of darkness, some of them are afraid of commitments, some of them are afraid of emotions and feelings, some of them are afraid of truth, some of them are afraid of love, some of them are afraid of accepting their fault, some of them are afraid of the nature, some of them are afraid of other human beings and most of all they are afraid of dreaming. Why don’t they release themselves from these fears? Why have they tied themselves with these shackles? Why don’t they free themselves? And the irony is that these questions never mattered to me., she inhales the smell of the white lily.

Is not there anything in this world which they are not afraid of? he asked with a quivering voice.

She looked directly into his eyes and with a silent smile; she replied There are so many things which most of them are not afraid of. They are not afraid of hurting others, they are not afraid of digging pit for others, they are not afraid of taking others for granted, they are not afraid of giving advices and suggestions to others, they are not afraid of asking others to be like them, they are not afraid of spreading rumours out of nothing, they are not afraid of changing the character of a girl to a virago and a guy to a bastard, most of them are not even afraid of defending themselves if they are incorrect, they are not afraid of getting carried away, they are not afraid of getting mad for no reason.

His grey cells became over-active. He thought which category he fell into. He never had such a conversation ever in his life with anyone, not even with his own self. Until this moment, he always had a notion that he was mature enough to handle any situation. He understood this nature more than anyone as he understood the human beings and their feelings. He wondered about his thoughts and pondered about his perception about himself. He convinced himself that he couldn’t be right. Somewhere something was wrong. He had never been told that he was wrong and was always appreciated by the people around. But today the golden words of his own wisdom compelled him to introspect. His introspection led him to blank eyes and a heavy mind.

His thoughts and her mind were intruded by their colleagues who walked towards them. While exchanging a Hi, one of her colleagues asked, hey, what’s goofin’ up between you two?

He replied, Nothing at all and I need to be excused now. with a sincerity.

Thank you so much. he said to Sayuri while leaving.

Why such arrogance? What attitude is this? What’s wrong with him? Is he insane? were put across by the uninvited colleagues.

He might be disturbed or lost in thoughts. Besides, everyone is insane, including you and me. Only the degree of insanity varies. she replied with a smile.

Why do you always back him up?, one of the colleagues asked.

Never did. Never will. For anyone. she asserted.

Then why did he thank you?

The answer also left with him. You are asking the wrong question to the wrong person. You could better have asked him.

Hey buds, calm down. Don’t het yourself up. She is so naïve. Stop pulling her., interrupted the other colleague of theirs.

The smell of lily vanished with the smoke of cigarettes lit up by the guy. The girl took a puff and returned it to him. The smell irritated Sayuri as she was irritated by loud music, honks, raised voice and people who got into her nerves like these two collegaues. They always poked into her and were eager to know about her. She turned them down with a killer smile. They had decided to bug her every time they got a chance and she has decided to become oblivious to their comments.

She gave a smile and bid bye while leaving them.

I do not understand her., said the guy.

Even I do not., replied the girl while the smoke came out of her mouth.

She overheard them and gave a sarcastic smile to herself.

She was waiting for him in the evening at the bus stop as he always did. He never left without her and if he ever had to then she was well informed by him. They both worked in different MNCs next to each other and their relationship grew at this bus stop while waiting for the bus. She was always thankful to the Government for having this bus stop near to their offices for which she got a chance to meet him. She thanked herself a million times for having him in her life.

She was worried and irritated. She was worried as he always reached on time and informed her if he had to be late or he had to leave early. And she was irritated as she never liked to wait. If he had to stretch at office then she also said that she was stuck up with some assignments and she would be late so that she could leave with him. She never missed a chance to be with him.

But today, she was astounded with this aberration. She tried reaching his number but the number was switched off. She tried reaching his office number and after trying repeatedly she was told that he left office in the afternoon.

She was distraught and her eyes were filled with tears. Her emotions were shattered and she took an auto directly to his room. What happened to him? Is he alright? Why did not he tell me that he was leaving office? Is he angry with me? Did he meet with an accident? Oh God, No.