Doing This Life Thing Together

Doing This

Life Thing

Together

MarQuita L. Danzy and Niya S. Danzy

Copyright © 2018 MarQuita L. Danzy and Niya S. Danzy.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced by any means, graphic, electronic, or mechanical, including photocopying, recording, taping or by any information storage retrieval system without the written permission of the author except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles and reviews.

Scripture quotations are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), copyright © 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

WestBow Press

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Because of the dynamic nature of the Internet, any web addresses or links contained in this book may have changed since publication and may no longer be valid. The views expressed in this work are solely those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the views of the publisher, and the publisher hereby disclaims any responsibility for them.

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ISBN: 978-1-9736-1175-2 (sc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-1176-9 (hc)

ISBN: 978-1-9736-1174-5 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2017919439

WestBow Press rev. date: 01/17/2018

Contents

Foreword

Chapter 1 So, What Is This About?

Chapter 2 Here’s the Tea!

Chapter 3 Tackling Transition

Chapter 4 Talk to Me, Baby!

Chapter 5 Divas Aren’t Made Overnight, Child!

Chapter 6 Goal Diggers

Chapter 7 Love. Yeah. Still trying to figure this out.

Chapter 8 God Gave You Life—LIVE!

Dedication

To my mother, Pastor Iola Danzy, (aka, Mom Dukes):

As long as I’m alive, you’ll never want for shrimp again.

You are loved and adored by your children and your grandchildren.

Thank you for every sacrifice that you’ve made for us.

To everyone that has contributed to our lives in any way,

Thank you.

Freedom begins when you make a conscious decision

to finally live; live in liberty.

When you stare yourself in the eyes and decree

I’ll be exactly who God created me to be.

When the review of your past and the preview of your

future meet, and you treat them both the same.

Proud of where you’re going and from whence you came.

Oh, when you allow God to fortify your inner man

where you finally understand the plans He has for you.

When you embrace destiny like your long-lost friend, freedom begins.

When you love yourself enough to begin again, freedom begins.

When the ifs and whens, the they and thems, the

should-haves and could-haves begin to make you mad enough

to change. Yeah, it may sound strange but you’re on your way.

When faults no longer define you, failure no longer

blinds you, fear no longer confines you.

When a box cannot contain you, pain cannot restrain you,

and regret loses power to retain you.

You my friend are free, free to be, free like me.

Let’s go!

Free Spoken Word

From the EP Free by MarQuita L. Danzy

The Free EP and single You Get the Glory by MarQuita L. Danzy

are available for download on all digital outlets.

Foreword

Being a parent is one of the most fulfilling jobs a person can have. As Christian parents, we have the unique opportunity to make an eternal investment in the lives of our children. However, children don’t come with a set of instructions or guide book. Consequently, there seems be a lot of guess work involved with child-rearing.

In the last few decades, society has strayed away from the importance that parenting holds. We have seen the family redefined so much that, in many cases, the parent-child relationship is seemingly non-existent. Parenting is fading away, and, with it, we are losing God’s blessing and missing the mark.

Becoming a good parent is not automatic - it takes time and effort. We must be willing to invest in this most important task. A parent should present the fundamental qualities of leadership, responsibility, and accountability, as well as the capabilities of planning, disciplining, and loving. Parenting is a full-time job.

In their book, MarQuita and Niya provide a fresh look at the parent-child relationship and its challenges. They share stories and principles from their lives for effective 21st century parenting.

They share the roles, vision, relationship, management, and communication skills of their parent-child relationship structure. They share prayers and Scriptures to apply to daily living. Their tips in each chapter challenge you to explore fresh alternatives and innovative concepts to assist and enhance your parent-child relationship structure.

In a time when there are growing gaps, we need books with practical steps and insights. We need more good parent-child relationships. This book is an invaluable tool that will indeed help meet that need.

LaMont Turner

1

So, What Is This About?

MarQuita: *Walks towards the front door to answer* Hey! How are you? We’ve been awaiting your arrival. Niya, say hello to our guest!

Niya: *With a straight face void of expression* Hi.

MarQuita: *Shaking my head at Niya but turning my attention back to you* Come on in. We are honored that you are here with us. Are you comfortable? Good.

Let’s chat about life - the greatest gift given to each spirit by God the Creator to become a soul; a soul with a divine purpose to fulfill within a set time on this earth. As it journeys towards its purpose, the soul is granted the opportunity to experience many things. Among these are love and laughter, joy and pain, heartbreak and healing. The route is charted by our heavenly Father. Our decisions can alter it. Time is the invisible yet ever present companion of life. It moves forward regardless. The wise soul embraces this reality wholeheartedly and attempts to move with (and within) time recognizing that this journey, despite the actual number of chronological days given, is swift; so swift that they must take every opportunity to make the best of it (whatever that means).

Niya: Speaking of time…how long is this going to take? I have plans.

MarQuita: I’m sorry? Where do you have to go? No ma’am. Have a seat and join us. Now, where was I? Oh yes! I remember. Life’s journey!

*Impersonates train conductor* Next stop, Motherhood did not come at what I would have considered the greatest time for me. You see, I had this list and it was organized. My goals were set in the order in which I wanted to accomplish them. High school? Check! Undergraduate degree? Check! Post graduate degree? Check! Return home after being away for so many years? Check! Start your career? Check! Everything was going as planned. Naturally, marriage was the next item on my list of things to do however; procreating (which unexpectedly made its way to the top of the list) was far in the distance; somewhere around number 1,250. Simple subtraction makes it safe to conclude that there were 1,249 other things that I wanted to accomplish before I became a mother but here I am, going to be a mother. Help Wanted! An instruction manual on how to navigate through the ups and downs, ins and outs, blessings, bumps and bruises, the good, bad, and the unfortunately ugly of this thing called life for me and A BABY! This cannot be happening. Who told God to give me a baby? Seriously, where’s the instruction manual? Does such a thing exist? Where can I find it? How much does it cost? Who wrote it and what is their experience on the topic? *Deep sigh*

With so many unanswered questions the one thing that I became absolutely sure of was that my life will never be all about me ever again. From this moment forward, I will have to be the safe and dependable one with all of the answers (until my child realizes that no one has all of the answers). I’ll have to be the one they depend on to make things right and keep things together. I’ll have to rely on the supernatural insight that comes along with good effective parenting. I’ll experience sacrifice on a different level. My prayer life will have to skyrocket. Let me prepare for it now. I’ll pray, and then I’ll pray again. I’ll pray without ceasing. I’ll pray in stammering lips with words that cannot be understood by the natural ear! LOL! I’ll have to learn how to lean on God for all of the answers when it comes to raising the child that I was given. I’ll have to consciously decide on those things (naturally and spiritually) that I want to pass down from my parents and those things that I do not and will not pass down. Oh! The pressure of it all!

Niya: *Clears throat to interject* Let’s talk about passing things down. Grandma makes me breakfast, lunch and dinner whenever I stay with her. I’m sure she taught you to do that for me but you don’t, so it’s like you’re not passing that down. You should mom. You should pass that down.

MarQuita: * Stares. Continues*

I was scared. I was scared that I had disappointed my mother. I was scared of what people would say, and scared of how I would react to what people would say. I was most scared of how people would view and treat my child. I always envisioned a celebration with my husband, family and close friends. I never thought I’d have to figure out how to break the news to everyone and help them adjust to my new normal. I finally decided to share my fears with my mom. She instantly eased my spirit. My mother told me that this baby was mine, that I had to get myself together and raise him or her, and reassured me that I was surrounded by love. She also told me that she was not babysitting! (That’s another story for another day). LOL! The dust began to settle and I began to breathe; that is until another reality hit me like a ton of bricks.

*Impersonates train conductor again because I know you thoroughly enjoyed it the first time* Next stop, Single Parenthood. Hold on! Give me a minute here! I’m just getting to a place of accepting that a baby is on the way. I was so concerned about the aforementioned that it took a minute for me to realize that I’m actually going to do all of this without a husband! There’s going to be different last names on the birth certificate because we are not married. When the baby starts to cry there will be no supportive kiss on my cheek in the middle of the night coupled with MarQuita you sleep. It’s my turn. I’ve got it. What a responsibility! I’m not ready. Am I? I don’t know how to do this! Or do I? Ok. I’ll just make the best of it. How do you attempt to ease the anxiety of motherhood by simply making the best of it? God? Are you there? It’s me, MarQuita.

Niya: *Begins to sing a line from one of her favorite Broadway shows* Are you there God? It’s me…

MarQuita: *Cuts eyes at Niya but secretly laughs inside.*

This was rough. Most days my thoughts and emotions were riddled with disappointment and guilt until the day that hope entered the picture. Something inside of me just clicked. From that moment on I decided to be the best mother ever! I decided to work hard so that my child will want for nothing; I mean not one thing. I decided to enjoy the process and celebrate the gift. My heart began to smile. I’m going to be a mother! *Screams at the top of my lungs* HEY WORLD, I’M GOING TO BE A MOTHER!

Niya: *Mocks in baby voice* I’m going to be a mother. *Laughs.*

MarQuita: * Speaks to Niya* Whatever! This was the moment where it all turned in your favor! You should send up a praise right here!

Niya: *Stares*

There was no time for a pity party. Sorry misery, I reject your invitation. I cannot be your company! I had to get myself together quickly. God had given me (as He gives all parents) an important task. I must prepare my child for her journey and I have no time to waste. I determined from the very beginning that I will make Niya an active partner in my life. I’m clear. She will not be my equal. I will forever be mom. She will respect me as such. I am more clear that at some point the dynamic of our relationship will change from my being the ultimate decision maker and the one she has to listen to, to my only being the advice giver and the one she can choose to listen to or not.

Niya: Yeahhhhhh!

MarQuita: You’re excited about having that choice, huh? Bless your heart and all your parts.

I began to pray for wisdom. How I handle Niya in the season of having the rule over her will dictate the outcome of our relationship when I have none. I cannot lord over a grown person, and I do not want to so I determined to lay the foundation in our home that my child and I will talk openly about any and everything. We will cry and laugh, agree and disagree, teach and learn, explore and travel, rise and fall as long as our souls’ journeys allow, and we will do it together. We will not leave each other behind. I will not damage her in order to prove to her that I have authority. She will already know and understand the depth of my authority because I’ll walk it out with her. There is no need for competition between us. We do not have to experience the big I and little you moments. We do not have to fight for the ability to grow. I will not place her in a position to follow me blindly. Why should I? She truly is the only person in this world that knows me from the inside out. I carried her. My blood is running through her veins. She was exposed to everything that I was and will be before I gave her a name. We are forever connected. I am forever hers.

Niya: *Leans over in an attempt to whisper to me* That’s sweet Mom. Question: Are there any snacks?

MarQuita: Simone! Go look in my purse and leave me alone. We’re trying to have a serious conversation here!

Niya: *Quickly reaches for purse and begins active search*

Everything that I will do as her parent will ultimately prepare her to leave me. One day she will make her list and be on her way to follow her dreams and aspirations. Initially, I will have the responsibility and the privilege to have a front row seat as she, in time, experiences all that life has to offer; but one day, I’ll have to start taking a back seat. One day I will not physically be here anymore. *Deep sigh.* I cry every time I think about it. I cannot imagine not being around to love, protect and guide her. I cannot imagine not being able to kiss the apples of her cheeks (one of my absolute favorite things to do), hear her voice, her laugh, or see her smile. One day (I hope it’s a long, long time from now), she will have to remember me, what I’ve given her and live on.

Niya: *Looks at mom with sad puppy dog eyes.*

MarQuita: *Looks at Niya with tears in my eyes* I’m sorry love. I know.

At 15 and 41 (we were actually 13 and 39 when we began the process of writing this book); we are at a peculiar place. Niya is the princess of the wonderful world of the teenager, and I am working 41 in a more excellent way! So far, we’ve survived everything from diapers to potty training, breastfeeding to table food, first words to high school, employment and unemployment, failed relationships and new relationships, from boys are yucky to boys are at least human to boys are CUTE, success and failures, life and death - and we still have a long way to go.

It’s so amazing that God destined for us to write this book. Our relationship inspires people everywhere that we go. From the gym to the movie theatre, in the states and on other continents, in person and through social media, people are genuinely amazed at our connection. They want to know more about our journey, proving to us that writing this book is NECESSARY. It has truly been a joy to witness my daughter’s growth in every way imaginable. She is the absolute love of my life.

Niya: Aweeeeeeee!

The book that you now hold is our story. It is designed to give insight on how we are doing this life thing together. The topics that we’ve selected to share are those most prevalent in our lives at this moment in time. Training up a child in the way they should go is all inclusive. The command includes more