The Tales of Megan Mcguire: In the Name of Grace

Contents

THE TALES OF MEGAN McGUIRE  

CHAPTER 1

CHAPTER 2

CHAPTER 3

CHAPTER 4

CHAPTER 5

CHAPTER 6

CHAPTER 7

CHAPTER 8

CHAPTER 9

CHAPTER 10

CHAPTER 11

CHAPTER 12

CHAPTER 13

CHAPTER 14

CHAPTER 15

CHAPTER 16

IN LOVING MEMORY OF

VESTA RENEE CORNETTE

TIMOTHY CARL KULFAN

JAMES STEPHEN BELFIELD

MAMMY

MAMMIMAR

MAMAR

DEDICATED TO

MY LOVING DAUGHTER

AMANDA GRACE

AND TO MY LOVING HUSBAND

JEFF

THANKS FOR ALL OF YOUR SUPPORT!

THE TALES OF MEGAN McGUIRE  

I remember the day. I remember everything that day. I remember the way I felt. I remember the colors and smells. The memory is all around me. It sometimes suffocates me. But it always frees me. It is forever present in my mind, my heart, and soul, like a painting by Renoir, Degas, Rembrandt, or Picasso and my mothers collected work of her own beautiful art. It is a memory that is simple yet bold, brilliant but subtle. It is a memory I can hold in my hands some days, and if I wanted, I could squeeze it and make it smaller; another day, it is just so big it eludes me:

CHAPTER 1

Megan.

I heard my mother calling for me outside my bedroom door. I loved the sound of my mother’s voice it was so melodic, even when she got angry it did not scare me. I had just woken up a few minutes earlier and had made up a new scene between my Tammy doll and the Barbie doll that my best friend Carol had secretly given to me. My mother would not let me have a Barbie doll because her breasts were too big so Carol gave me hers. She was growing out of dolls. Carol was twelve. I was eleven. I guess I was getting too old for dolls too, because I did not want my other friends to know I still played with dolls. I had to hide the Barbie doll from my mommy. I felt funny about that. I don’t know why Barbie’s big breasts bothered my mother so much. My mommy also would never let me call her mom. She told me to call her mother or mommy. She would just get weird about certain things. I think it had to do with her mother, my grandmother and the way she raised my mommy. I quickly threw my Barbie doll under my bed.

Megan darling, my mother said quietly, while knocking on my door. Breakfast is ready. So hurry up. The bus will be here in thirty minutes. I guess the scene could wait till after I got home from school. I hated being rushed. I quickly put on my clothes. It wasn’t that hard. I had to wear a uniform because I went to a Catholic school. Every night before I went to bed, Mammy or mommy lay out on my dresser, a clean, pressed, white shirt with starched, rounded collars, and a green, blue and gray plaid dress uniform along with clean, white, cotton underwear. It was never any other color than white. And knee socks that would vary in color between blue, green, gray and white.

I opened the white painted shutters and looked out the double paned window at the lake as I did every morning. The lake was calm and dark blue with a purplish tint that meant it would be cool today. I loved the lake. I looked forward to the summer and playing at the beach and looking for polished stones of all different colors. It fascinated me that broken soda or beer bottles could become beautiful stones. Lake Michigan became a friend throughout my years and I always felt comfort hearing her voice.

Hi darling.

Hi mommy, I said, giving her a big hug and a kiss on her cheek. It felt so soft. She smacked me back on the cheek leaving her big red lip imprint on my cheek. She usually wore red lipstick. It was kind of her trademark. Mommy, I laughed while rubbing it off. I knew she was wearing the White Shoulders perfume daddy helped me pick out for her birthday.

Good morning Mammy. I gave Mammy a squeeze and a pinch on her round, soft, hip.

Good morning missus.

It sure smells good, I said. What a treat that your cooking today Mammy." I said while taking a big sniff and breathing in the smells of the bacon, garlic and green peppers frying. I loved it when Mammy cooked.

Where is Daddy? I asked Mammy and mommy.

He is getting all of his papers ready. You remember that your father and I are going to Chicago today. My mother said and Mammy nodded.

What? You didn’t tell me. No, I don’t want you to go! I said in a whiny and pouty voice, a voice that drove my mother crazy. Why are you going?

I am going to meet with an owner of a well-known art gallery. I am going to show him some of my paintings and maybe he will put them in his store. And Megan, I did tell you about this trip. My mothers southern accent was getting stronger.

I don’t like it when you go away. Please don’t go!

Megan! I could see that my mother was getting impatient with me, but I didn’t care.

Why is daddy going?

Daddy has to meet with a client. It’s a very important case for him. And you do know Megan that I would never go to Chicago by myself. It would be too dangerous. The rioting is very bad there. Your father would never let me go there alone. You know that I have no sense of direction and I would probably become lost.

Uh, huh, Mammy chimed.

Madeline! My mother giggled nervously. I ignored their closeness.

Then I want to go to Carol’s house after school.

Honey you cannot go to Carol’s house, my mother said in an exasperated voice.

Why?

Because, Carol’s parents are very busy and we will not be home until late. It just isn’t right to impose on them. You will be fine. You know that Madeline will be here for you. Mammy wrinkled up her wide pug nose at me. Mammy knew that I was being a brat, but she never said anything. Mammy had taken care of me since I was a baby and was like a mother to me. I could see sadness in my mother’s big blue eyes and I knew I was wearing her down, and that made me feel good and bad. The good part was that maybe she would change her mind, that bad part was that she looked sad. I quietly sat down at our big oak kitchen table and began eating.

Good morning peaches. My father said in his southern drawl. He called me peaches because he told me that when I was a baby I looked like a little peach. I had strawberry blonde hair and my cheeks were always rosy.

Hi daddy, I said in my pouty voice.

What is wrong? My father seemed concerned.

She does not want us to go. My mother said impatiently. I tried to act really sad, so daddy would feel sorry for me. Daddy touched my head softly and gave me a kiss on the cheek and softly whispered in my ear. Because this is very important to your mother, do not be hard on her. I gave an approving nod, but I still felt angry.

I finished my breakfast and grabbed my shoes, coat and my books and put them in my purple leather satchel. I seized my navy blue corduroy jacket from the front closet and I gave my father a big hug. I liked how he smelled. I think it was a combination of Aqua Velva and Brut. I’ve seen both advertised on T. V. Anyway it was a mixture of hair and face stuff. I touched his cheeks with my hands for a shave check.

How did I do? He asked jokingly. I don’t know if he realized this was an important matter to me.

Humm, I think you shaved this side better. And, you missed a spot right here. I pointed to his nose and we both started to laugh. I gave my mother a big hug and she hugged me back hard.

I’m sorry mommy, for behaving like a brat. Will you forgive me?

Oh sweetheart, thank you, yes of course I will forgive you for being a brat, she said. Then she gave me a light smack on my butt.

I love you, I said.

I love you too, very, very much.

Be careful today.

We will. My mother said in a sweet voice.

See you tonight sweetheart. They chimed in unison.

See you after school Megan, Mammy yelled. I ran back and gave her a kiss on her soft cheek.

I walked outside and my parents followed me. I headed down my long driveway turned around to wave goodbye and saw the two of them standing there in all their love. My father’s arms around my mother’s, both looking at me if I was a beautiful sunrise they were admiring. I will never forget that moment. I remember looking around and seeing so many different colors, colors that I hadn’t remembered seeing so brilliant before. There were colors of orange, brown, red, blue, purple, green, white, and black. They were shimmering and dancing with the morning sun light. The air was so crisp and I felt so light and I knew then I was in love with my parents and with my life. I was making the turn in the bend of the lane and I turned around to see if they were still watching me. They were. We all waved in unison. I was happy.

I was also happy to see Carol as she got on the bus and moved her way back to our seat. We had our favorite seat. I was lucky to get it because I was one of the first ones on the bus in the morning. Carol was my best friend and we swore that we would be best friends forever. After we graduated from high school we would go to the same college and be roommates, be married at the same time and have children at the same time. I told her about my parents going to Chicago, and that I wanted to stay with her but my mother said I couldn’t. I told her that I didn’t feel right about my parents going to Chicago. You know there are bad riots in Chicago.

Megan, you get so worried about stuff. They’re only going to be in Chicago for a day.

She was right. I would forget it soon. I walked into school and Jeff Smith, started to torment me. I knew he had a crush on me, and I definitely had one on him. And today he looked especially cute.

Sister Mary was watching us with her eagle eyes, but today I didn’t care. The school smelled like musk and old books and newly waxed floors. I had forgotten my Beanie for church, it wasn’t in my satchel, so I had to put a tissue on my head and find a bobby pin so it would stay put. My friends Jenny, Mary, Carol and I were laughing about Scott Wilson who had toilet paper stuck to his shoe. He is so queer. I do swear. I said mockingly. That was a mean thing for me to say. We noticed Scott as we were walking downstairs to go to daily Mass. The school and church people made it easy for us. The church was in the basement of the school. It used to be at the top of the hill, but when they built the new school they decided to put the church in the basement. It would be a sin if I missed daily mass, and if I died, then I would go to hell. That’s what Sister Santina told us. Out of nowhere but somewhere, Sister Mary grabbed me and dug her nails into my arm. Her pink, piggish, poofy face looked as if it was going to explode out of the starched, white, A-frame, that held her black veil. For some reason I looked down at her feet. Her pointy, black boots were peeking out of her long, gray, nuns uniform. I thought of the Wicked Witch of the East, in the, Wizard of Oz. I shrieked in fear and anger.

Ouch, don’t do that! I cried.

Why are you laughing? Sister Mary said. She always picked on me.

I don’t know.

Go to the back of the line! The wicked witch screamed to me.

I could feel my face getting red. I hated when that happened. Mommy told me it was an Irish thing. All of my friends would laugh and say, Your face is so red! Then my face would even turn more red. I couldn’t sit next to my friends in Church today because of that witch. I hated Sister Mary. I hated that I had to go to Church every day of the week except for Saturday. I hated Mass and the nuns. The smell of the incense made me sick and weak. A couple of times at Sunday Mass I had fainted, and daddy had to carry me outside the church. My mommy had tried to talk to the school about excusing me from daily Mass, but it didn’t work. The nuns think I am a very precocious child. That is what my mother told me they think. I wasn’t exactly sure what precocious meant and how to even spell it, but I am sure it meant they thought I was a brat. Anyway, I couldn’t get out of going to mass on school days. I think I scare the nuns for some reason. Maybe I am evil because I don’t like Mass.

It was right before the morning recess bell, it was 10:15 a.m. and Father Lucas had come to our classroom. We were practicing Penmanship. Father Lucas never came to our classroom except around the holidays. He was the pastor of the parish. I liked him He had a pleasant face. Everyone in the classroom was staring at him. He seemed very tall, specially in his long, regal, black gown. Sister Mary and Father Lucas kept looking over at me. I was really turning red now. I thought that Sister Mary had told him about my behavior and they were going to punish me. I felt scared. Sister Theresa, another nun had just arrived. Excuse us class. Sister Theresa will take over now. Megan Mcguire can you please come with us? Sister Mary said in a serious voice. The whole class was looking at me in shock. When I got up from my chair, my knees were shaking so much, that I almost collapsed and fell. I had to grab on to the desk or I would have fallen. None of the kids laughed as they usually do. Father Lucas put his arms around me gently and said, Come with me child. I felt as if I couldn’t move. What are they going to do with me? I wanted my mommy but she was in Chicago. They led me downstairs to Father Lucas’s office. Father Lucas guided me over to a big brown leather seat. My father’s good friend who happened to be a Mequon Police officer was there and he spoke quickly. Megan, we have some terrible news, Sgt. Thompson said. Father Lucas then, knelt down on the floor next to my chair, and took hold of both of my hands softly. I pulled them away. I couldn’t breathe. I felt as if I was suffocating. I wondered what those weird people were doing with me. I freed myself from the chair and Father Lucas. Sister Mary tried to grab my arm that she had dug her nails in earlier and I slapped her face as hard as I could. She screamed and then I screamed at all of them as loud as I could. Whatttttt areeeee youuuuu doingggg with meeeeeeee you monsterssssssssssssssss? And then I fell backwards and that is the last thing I remembered.

The next time I recall, I was in the hospital. Mommy, Mommy, I whispered. I thought I saw my mum but it was Mamar, my grandmother, and Mammy by her side holding Mamar up with her tremendous strength. They seemed so far away from me. I usually despised my grandmother. But today, she actually had a pleasant, kind of sad look, coming from her eyes. She even gave me a sweet smile as she walked over to the rail of the bed. Wherrrrre’s mommmmmy? I could hardly sound the words out of my mouth. And then I passed out again. The next thing I knew I woke up and Father Lucas was standing near my bed talking to a doctor or a man in a white coat. Father Lucas had his arms crossed and was rocking back and forth like I have seen him do before. I liked that. It somehow was comforting noticing someone else’s old habit.

Hi I said, it snuck out of my mouth like a lie. It startled the two human beings.

Megan, Father Lucas said so happily. Thank God your okay Megan. All of us were a little scared.

What is wrong with me? Where are my parents?

The doctor slipped out of the room quietly as doctors always do. Father Lucas moved closely to me and took a hold of my hand gently. I looked down at my small hand in his big hands and somehow I felt safe. He had hands like my father. His fingers were long and square and strong and his veins were thick under his skin. I saw that kind of hands in pictures of old masters’ paintings my mommy had in her art books. At that moment; I knew that something bad had happened to my parents, otherwise they would be here. I felt a terror rip through my whole body in an instant, giving me a feeling of peace. I didn’t understand what was happening to me. I had never felt like that before. My body felt light. I remembered the last picture of my parents. They were happy and in love with each other and with me. Megan your parents’ died in a car accident early this morning, it happened in Mequon on Port Washington Rd. And your parents friend Sgt. Jones was on duty, that is how they knew about you.

I didn’t say anything. The day was over. I was alone in my small world. Everything went black and I was at peace at least for a few hours. It was that ‘peace’ that gave me strength for the world that I would have to face without my parents,the two most important people in my small life.

I woke up to a world of nonsense and it never escaped me how mean and black and difficult life was all at the same time. There were all sorts of stuff and people in my hospital room and somehow the world looked different to me. There were many flowers, but none as colorful as I had seen before. All the colors that I saw yesterday are the same colors that surround me today, except that today and tomorrow and for a long time they will be dull,drab and lifeless. The people in my room had faces that were ugly to me and distorted. Their voices were not in sync. Everything seemed dry and I felt as if I couldn’t breathe. All of these big lips and big teeth were coming at me at once chattering and confusing me. I went back to my ‘peace’ for a while, there I was alive. It went on like this for a while. Nonsense, peace, nonsense, peace; until the nonsense became more real and I started to feel sensations in my body again. I started feeling and seeing the tubes that they, the aliens thought would keep me alive. I had tubes in my nose and my arms and up my bottom and I couldn’t stand it. I started ripping out all of those tubes and screaming as loud as I could with a voice I could spew. Help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee pleaseeeeee, somebody help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!! Aliens started coming in from everywhere and I almost felt sorry for them, looking at their faces that now seemed to look like people I had seen before. They were all scurrying around me as if they were little dolls dressed up in uniforms. Calm down Megan honey, one woman said to me. I hated it when people told me to calm down, it made me more upset; but her voice was soothing and did comfort me. It is going to be all right. My name is Rita and I will be your nurse today and every day until you go home. She had big blue eyes like my mother and I thought that maybe it was my mother in disguise and she had come to rescue me. I stared at her and cocked my head back and forth to see if she would give me a wink or some clue, but it didn’t happen.

We are going to take these out okay? Do you know what happened to you? Rita asked kindly. I touched the back of my head where it felt sore and rough. They had to cut a patch of your hair to put in your stitches.

Am I bald? I sniveled.

No, your hair covers it easily and that tiny patch will grow back right away.

What happened? I asked bitterly; remembering how mean Sister Mary was.

You fell back and hit your head on the edge of a desk and it split open a tiny part of your head and that knocked you out. I mean, gave you a concussion. Megan, I am truly sorry for your loss. Tears filled up in Ritas big, beautiful eyes. Now, can you help me? Rita was trying to change the subject. I nodded as if I was in a trance and she had control over me. Carefully they removed all the tubes. I was awake. I didn’t go to my place of ‘peace’ like I usually do.

Hi Megan, do you remember me? I am Dr. Kim. He popped into the room like a puppet. I did remember him. He lived down the street from us. Us, that is all there was for me. And now it was only me. I remembered my house and the lake, my dog Sandy, my cat Einstein, my parents and Mammy. I couldn’t take the pain of the memory and I started to cry. Dr. Kim touched my head and carefully stroked my long auburn hair and I was okay for a few moments. Slowly the few moments turned to longer moments and I started to blend in with the nonsense.

Megan you have a visitor, it is your grandmother; would you like to see her? I didn’t; but I did. She was my only living relative left. I nodded yes.

Hi Megan, she said quietly and sadly, as she came to my bed. She started to cry and then I started to cry. She couldn’t stop crying and sobbing. She left the room. I knew she would come back but I didn’t know when. I didn’t like my grandmother very much, but I wanted her love now. And where was Mammy? I wanted to see Mammy. I guess I didn’t like my grandmother because my mother didn’t really like her, at least that’s the way it appeared. I remembered my mother crying a lot over something stupid or mean my grandmother would say. I thought of my mommy’s beautiful face and her warm hugs and it made me really sad. And I didn’t know what to do to make the sadness go away. I kept thinking about my grandmother. I probably would have to live with her now. I wanted to die. I said a prayer to God to forgive me for my thoughts. I thought about the stories my mother told me about Mamar. She was only in her fifties and had been married six times. She had my mother when she was only 16. I guess my grandfather was a real ladies’ man and she left him when my mother was three or four. My mother and grandmother were very poor when my mom was a little girl. My mother and grandmother made money going around the country side telling peoples’ fortunes and reading their palms. Mommy told me that my grandfather’s mother, who was from Ireland, ran a prostitute house in Harlan, Kentucky, that’s where mommy and Mammy were from. My mommy told me many stories and I loved them. My grandmother had come over from Ireland when she was a baby with her mother and father and they settled in Kentucky. My great-grandfather had quite the reputation. Those are the words my mommy used. I smiled thinking of some of the stuff she would say. I guess he had the first Steamboat on the Ohio River. And they use to gamble a lot on that boat. And one night, so the story goes: someone cheated him at poker and my great—grandfather shot the man. My mother swears he didn’t do it. Later they hanged my great-grandfather for murder. My great-grandmother, Mamimar, had just died last year. She had just turned 100 years old. When I was very little, Mammimar would hold me and tell me many funny stories. As I got older she would read my palm and tell me all sorts of stuff, like, that I was going to live to be at least 130,and that I was going to have ten kids. Mamimar had twinkly eyes and was always smiling or laughing. When I was really little, Mamimar use to like to scare me by taking her teeth out, and then put them in her hands; then close them and have me guess what was in them. And then she’d open up her hands and there were her teeth. I would scream, and she would laugh a toothless laugh. For the longest time I didn’t understand how she could take her teeth out of her mouth.

My grandmother wasn’t like her mother at all. Mamar, is what I called her since I first could speak something. She was five feet tall, thin and had fiery red hair. She was all business and she wasn’t nice. At least I didn’t think so. She was extremely vain. When I was five years old she asked me if I thought she was pretty. I told her that I didn’t, and ever since then she didn’t like me.

Good Morning Megan. How are you doing today?

Good morning Rita, I said politely. She still reminded me of my mother and I thought maybe she was an angel. Kinda, gross hey? She must have noticed me looking down at my blue, paper like, starched or something ugly gown.

Yes.

So, Megan, would you like to go for a walk and look at the ugly babies? She started to laugh. That is except for one. She is very special and I would like you to meet her. Would you like that? I felt really scared. I felt lost and unconnected. I wanted those feelings to change and I trusted her, so I said:

Yes, okay.

Would you like to take a shower first? Madeline dropped off a suitcase of your robe and some clothes and things that your friend Carol helped her pick out for you. You could get out of your gown for awhile. She saw my eyes light up when she mentioned Carol. Carol wanted to see you but you know these stupid hospital rules. They have too many rules. I suppose they just get scared because there are so many different people with so many different problems and they are just always practicing. I guess that’s why they call it ‘practicing medicine’. Rita started to chuckle. Here is your robe. I smiled and smelled it. It smelled like bacon and garlic, chocolate chip cookies and home. Now you just go and take a nice warm shower and I will be right here waiting for you in case you need any thing.

Okay, thank you. I said quietly. I felt a fear of being alone in the shower. I thought of my parents dying, and the windshield glass breaking in the coldness of their death. The beads of water pelted my body and my legs felt weak. I was shaking. I felt scared and I wanted my mother. I couldn’t stand the pain of missing her. I felt sick to my stomach. I thought I would heave. I collapsed in the shower. My tears fell harder than the shower water. Mommy, mommy please come back!!!!! My hands were in a tight fist and I was hitting the shower wall as hard as I could. The pain felt good. Finally the pain left my head and heart and my stomach. There was a loud knock. Megan, are you all right? I wanted to say, no, I am not all right! I am all alone now and scared, but I couldn’t, something inside me made me feel embarrassed for the way I had been acting. I wanted to die but I knew that probably wouldn’t happen. I just kept saying Hail Mary’s. That’s the only thing I could remember to do. My mother always prayed to the Blessed Virgin. Rita opened the door a crack, there was no lock. Megan, she said softly. Are you all right honey? She saw blood and panicked. It is all right Rita. I am okay. I split open the knuckles on my hands. I felt a relief. Rita handed me my white terry cloth robe. I never let anyone see me naked. I was usually so modest, I would have screamed if anyone had ever opened the door without me knowing, but I didn’t care. I smiled and looked down at my hands. I knew I would get blood on my robe. It was just a robe. Come here child. Let’s wrap your hands up. Rita said. After I am finished bandaging your war wounds, she said with a chuckle, we will go see the babies."

Walking down the hospital corridor was a whole different world to me. It was a green and white world. Green tile floors and white walls. There were nurses dressed in white and doctors armed in green. Hi Megan, good to see you up and about, some nurse said to me. I hadn’t a clue who she was. I just nodded. I think Rita was very nervous. She didn’t know if or when I would freak out again. I knew I needed to pull myself together or else I would end up in some psycho hospital. I know my grandmother would do something like that. She was really weird. I wondered if my parent’s bodies were here. I wanted to ask Rita a bunch of questions about my parents death, but I didn’t think I could handle it yet. I started feeling funny again. "Hail Mary full of Grace the Lord is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst woman and blessed is the fruit of thy womb Jesus. Holy Mary Mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death, Amen," I prayed.

Are you all right, Megan? Rita asked. I just nodded. I could hear babies crying and smell ammonia in the air. Come here Megan, Rita said. Look at the babies! They were all so little and weird looking. I remembered my mother telling me about when I was born. My mother was seven months pregnant with me when she started bleeding a lot. She had to stay in bed all the time, until I got bigger. It was very hard for my mommy and she cried a lot because she thought I would never be born. Mammy took care of her, as she always has. She was eight months pregnant with me when she started hemorrhaging, thank God my father was there. My father rushed my mother to this hospital, St. Michael’s. Doctor Kummans was my moms’ doctor. He told my mother that he couldn’t find a heart beat and