Heroes of Heresy

Chapter 1

The city has an underbelly like a cat’s: soft, warm, and inviting to anyone with a desire for a risky thrill. For those who explore without caution, multiple stab wounds and a disfigured face are the likely result.

Nearly an hour after midnight, Vole Drakeforth lay in a dimly lit alleyway outside an underground club, trying to ignore the two men hitting him with foam rubber swords.

It’s no good, Cole, one of the attackers announced, pausing for breath. He wore the brown robes, long hair and beard of an Arthurian monk. His larger companion, who wore the same vestments, stepped back from Drakeforth and leaned against the wall, panting.

It’ll take hours to kill him this way, the larger man said.

Let me think, the first assailant said. We could stab him instead, he suggested.

Right. the second man straightened up and rammed the point of his foam rubber sword into Drakeforth’s chest.

Not with these toys, you idiot, the first attacker said. His companion frowned at the bent blade of his weapon. Tossing it aside, he went to explore the recycling bins for something deadlier.

Drakeforth worked a hand free of the cords that bound them behind his back. Reaching up, he pulled the gag from his mouth.

You pointless prototypes, he sneered. You pair of brainless broccoli!

’Ere, steady on. That’s uncalled for, the first attacker said.

You can tell your masters they will never stop me! I will find the truth! Drakeforth snapped.

Try this, Edwid, the second man said, returning with an armload of cast-off items.

Edwid sorted through the options: paper bags, string, empty food containers, magazines and newspapers. And what am I supposed to do with this lot, Cole?

Paper cuts? Cole suggested.

Perhaps you could simply bore me to death, Drakeforth said, from their feet.

Sorry, mate, Edwid said. We aim to provide a high level of customer satisfaction.

Yeah, sorry, Cole said, shuffling his feet.

Well, how about you simply untie me, and we let this whole matter pass without further comment?

Right, yeah. Cole crouched down, and with fierce conc­entration began to work on the knots tying Drakeforth’s feet together.

’Ang on, Edwid said. While we do aim to provide a profess­ional service, our primary responsibility is to our client. Which in this instance is not precisely you, Mister Drakeforth.

Who is paying you? Drakeforth’s eyes narrowed.

That is confidential, Edwid said.

The identity of whomever has hired you to kill me is confid­ential? Drakeforth gave a snort. Consider it the last request of a condemned man.

Well, in that case… Cole said.

No, no, no. Professionalism must be maintained, Edwid insisted.

Oh, fine. Is it someone I owe money to? Someone who didn’t like my witty repartee at a recent public meeting? Oh, wait, let me guess, it’s one of my insufferable relatives trying to avoid a repeat of last year’s Hibernian dinner fiasco.

Cole finished loosening the knots binding Drakeforth’s legs. There you go, all done—err, undone, he said.

Cole and Edwid seized Drakeforth by the arms and lifted him onto his feet.

Please accept our apologies for the delay. Your assassination is important to us, Edwid said, brushing dirt from Drakeforth’s trench coat. If you wouldn’t mind ’olding for a minute, we will resolve some technical issues and complete this job promptly.

Yeah, sorry, Cole said again.

Right, Drakeforth straightened his suit jacket and glanced upwards. Is that Arthur? he said.

Edwid and Cole looked skyward. Drakeforth bolted like a rabbit. The rope tangled around his ankles, and he went over like a felled tree. The crack of Drakeforth’s skull hitting the concrete echoed off the walls of the surrounding buildings.

Edwid and Cole looked at each other and then hurried over to the man lying unmoving on the ground.

Is he okay? Cole asked with concern.

Let’s ’ope not, Cole, Edwid said, rolling Drakeforth over onto his back. After a cursory examination, Edwid shook his head.

Let’s get out of here. Job’s done and all that. No one said ’ow it had to be done, just get it done they said.

Well yeah, Cole looked sheepish, It kinda feels like cheating.

We get paid when Vole Drakeforth is dead, Edwid said. He rummaged under his robes and retrieved a camera. ’Old his ’ead up, he instructed.

Cole got down on his knees and lifted Drakeforth’s face up for a better angle.

Cole, get your mug out of it.

Sorry, Edwid, I thought a litho of the two of us together would be a nice souvenir.

Edwid snapped a picture of Drakeforth’s slack face. Okay, let’s go before someone sees us.

The two assassins hurried to the end of the alleyway and joined the raucous crowd of revellers in the street celebrating the Arthurian festival of The Incomplexity of Cheese.

A shadow fell over Drakeforth’s still form and cleared its throat.

Excuse me, I wonder if I might ask you a favour. After a second passed without response, the shadow continued: You see, I need some help. It’s all gotten frightfully out of hand and I require an agent to act on my behalf. My fault entirely, of course, I should never have let anyone write down half the things I said. The shadow paused. You’re not writing this down, are you? Satisfied at the lack of response, the shadow looked up and down the alleyway and then stepped closer.

I’ll just lie down here and if you have any particular concerns, let me know.

The dark spectre aligned itself with Drakeforth’s feet and then sat down, the ghostly figure disappearing through his body.

Yes, quite comfortable, thank you. I think this will do nicely. The shadow lay down and a moment later Drakeforth sat up with a gasp.

Chapter 2

Habeas Yeast did not suffer the tempest of doubt that sometimes beset his fellow Arthurians. His personal revelation had come during junior school in the form of a dream. Arthur himself had visited young Habeas and said, Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? What year is it? I think I have the date wrong. Sorry to have bothered you.

The dream stayed with Habeas long after waking, and he had spent many hours pondering its meaning. Entering a religious order as soon as he turned eighteen was a natural career path to follow. Now his beard brushed his chest, though most accurately it brushed his chest when he lowered his head a little. He had always worn his hair long, and now it draped over his shoulders like a yak skin, the brown eyes and perpetually calm expression underneath the fringe adding to the bovine impression.

As a follower of Arthur’s teachings, Brother Habeas did not measure the passage of time in years. The change in his hair and beard were the only reliable indicators of the perception of time. He had smiled when his mum sent a card, wishing him a happy twentieth birthday. His reply had been an essay explaining the futility of observing time in a simply linear way. He included some Arthurian tracts in the form of brochures which illustrated his main points in an easily digestible form.

This tradition had come about when Arthurianism was moving away from the old-fashioned convert-or-die fundamentalism to the religion of peace and tolerance of the modern era. There were certain nations where the people remembered the days when Arthurian missionaries would descend like zealous blacksmiths, beat the locals’ ploughshares into swords, and then proceed to execute the populace with them.

As a result, many cultures prohibited the possession and distrib­ution of Arthurian religious materials. This forced the faithful to develop edible paper so they could dispose of the incriminating evidence in an emergency.

Development of an easily digestible printing press, however, faced ongoing challenges.

Doubt, for Habeas, had finally arrived in the form of a cup of tea. Yesterday—and the monks of the Order of Saint Erinaceous used the term dismissively—Habeas had been out witnessing the glory of Arthur to weary travellers at the city’s international zippelin port.

Arthurians were devoted people watchers; thus it had occurred to them exceedingly early on that international zippelin terminal passenger lounges are the one place in the world where people are most likely to be open to suggestion.

Habeas also liked to watch the zippelins coming and going. These vast silver cylinders, over a hundred feet long with aero­dynamically tapered ends, moved like clouds as the reflected light of the afternoon sun bounced off the paper-thin alloy shell encasing the lighter-than-air cloud of gas and passenger cabin. He watched as a loaded zippelin rose from its boarding gate mooring, floating upwards like a soap bubble borne on the warm breath of a child’s delight. With perfect delicacy, the balloon manoeuvred into position for the flight to distant Mocorro. Once the craft was pointed in the right direction, the jet engines rotated into flight position. A moment later, the empathic generators engaged the power and the sleek, silver bullet accelerated towards its destination at a velocity quickly approaching the speed of sound.

Habeas sighed; in his mind, the zippelin was the perfect comb­ination of faith and technology. Watching these behemoths vanish over the horizon in a blur filled his heart with a righteous joy.

He slipped the remaining (vanilla-flavoured) tracts on Arthur­ian­ism into his satchel and wandered over to the nearby Espression café. Joining the queue of people waiting to order tea in a cup or pot, he witnessed something extraordinary.

A young woman with a heavy-looking bag over her shoulder, stood in front of Habeas and held a cup and saucer. The contents of the cup steamed gently, and Habeas wondered why she was standing in the queue rather than taking a seat in the half-full café and enjoying her tea.

Habeas stared, fascinated, at the back of the woman’s head. Her shining hair was the colour of spun honey, so magical you could forget bees made it with their bums.

Hi, my name is Owow, how can I help you? the bateasta asked when she was within service range of the counter.

Is this some kind of joke? the woman asked.

I… Hi, my name is Owow—

You can help me by answering my question, the woman said. Owow hesitated. Habeas watched with interest as Owow flicked through his mental catalogue of customer responses and then announced, Have you tried our daily special?

The woman took a deep breath; her shoulders rose and then fell as she released her inner tension.

Thank you, she said to Owow, and walked away.

Habeas ordered a pot of Horse-eye with a bugnut cookie, and then went to sit at the woman’s table.

She sat with a slim computer on the table in front of her, typing steadily with a cadence that suggested she was not mincing her words.

No, thank you, she said without looking up.

Habeas poured his tea and did not respond, watching the way her fingers stroked the keys instead.

The woman stopped typing. She swept her golden fringe out of her eyes and regarded Habeas over the top of her screen. Habeas sipped his tea and sighed with content.

"I said no, thank you."

What exactly are you refusing? Habeas asked.

She sighed and closed the laptop lid. You are Arthurian. You are going to invite me to experience the change of self-perception that occurs when the observer and the observed interact. You will quote some quasi-quantum berkelsnert about the nature of reality and, because you expect me to be completely ignorant of the impenetrable nature of the fundamental state of the Multiverse, you will assume I am a suitable target for your nonsense.

Habeas marvelled at her. You said all of that without once pausing for breath.

Circular breathing; it’s a difficult skill to master, but I like a challenge. Now, please go away.

I was wondering why you were complaining about the tea.

The tea? she regarded Habeas for a moment. "Let me tell you about the tea. Firstly, they claim this is Oolongjen. Anyone who has tasted actual Oolongjen knows that the subtler qualities of the brew are achieved by allowing the leaves to be first consumed by the Bomby worm. It is only when the excreted matter is mixed with other dried and crushed—mind you, never cut—leaves of the Oolongjen, that the tea has the true Oolongjen flavour."

Circular breathing? Habeas asked.

I could go on all day, she continued, ignoring his interruption. About the complete lack of idiosyncrasies in this tea. It’s as close to Oolongjen as I am to giving you my phone number.

I’m Habeas, Habeas Yeast, he said.

Felicity Goosebread, she replied, But everyone calls me Pimola. Felicity was the name of my mother’s pet silverfish and I cannot abide the idea of being named after an insect. Or a fish.

So, you’re some kind of tea critic? Habeas asked, sipping his own drink.

"I am the best kind of tea critic. The kind who loves tea with an all-encompassing passion. I write a column for The Weekly Word."

P.R. Fenstick’s ‘World of Tea’, Habeas said immediately. But isn’t Fenstick a man?

Fenstick retired and went treasure hunting in the Aardvark Archipelago four years ago. I’ve been writing his column ever since.

Fascinating, Habeas said. Pimola immediately glared at him.

Why? What exactly is fascinating? she asked in a tone that dared him to respond.

You, Habeas said. Everything about you is fascinating. From the Fibonacci swirls of your hair to the way the photons reflect off your retina in such a chilling stare.

Oh, please, Pimola said, rolling her eyes. "Do you know how much a tea critic writing a column for The Weekly Word earns?"

Habeas opened his mouth to offer an opinion, but Pimola continued without him.

Nothing. Not a Kadozian bean. Why do you ask? I’ll tell you why. I started out as an intern during my final semester of university. They’ve so far refused to change my contract to actually pay me for my fifteen hundred words a week.

So why don’t you quit?

"Quit? Of course I can’t quit. Can you imagine if someone who didn’t know the difference between Oolongjen and a pot of Capricious Grype took over writing the reviews?"

I actually can’t imagine it, Habeas admitted.

Exactly. The results would be disastrous. There would be people out there blithely putting milk in their tea with scant awareness of the consequences.

Habeas peered doubtfully at the green liquid swirling amongst the brown tea in his cup. What sort of consequences?

Terrible consequences, Pimola said in a dark tone.

You should also include a review of the café service in your column. That bateasta didn’t seem very good.

Pimola raised an eyebrow at him, I have more important things to worry about than the quality of hot drinks produced by a zippelin port lounge café.

I thought you were here writing a column on the tea they served you.

Whatever gave you that idea? I’m here for work.

"Which is not writing a column for The Weekly Word?"

No, I’m here for… She was interrupted by the sudden fanfare of a marching band. They blew long, tube-like horns and banged on wooden drums. Somewhere in their midst a male voice rose in an undulating wail—as if he had opened his mouth to sing, and then promptly slammed his hand in a car door instead.

Oh, good, Pimola said, closing her laptop. The Escrutians have arrived.

She stood up, slipped the computer into her bag and walked out of the café. Habeas cast a final sideways glance at his teacup and then followed her.

Having settled whatever internal conflict appeared to have divided them in choice of key, melody, and chord, the members of the Escrutian marching band were now playing the same song, at the same tempo. Their singer was still wailing in apparent agony.

The band formed part of a procession, winding their way from the arrivals gate. At the head, a man in a high, plumed hat and uniform laden with medals searched in vain for someone to present himself to. Behind him, an entourage and the band were strung out in a conga line that wheezed, clanked, and honked.

General Kow-Plan! General Kow-Plan! Pimola called, waving over the noise and heads of the curious onlookers.

The general turned and marched towards her. The rest of his party falling into position behind him.

General Kow-Plan bowed and Pimola bowed in return. The general, on his way back up, noted that she was still on her way down, so he bowed again. Several moments passed while they bobbed up and down in front of each other like a pair of hens pecking at grain.

An aide managed to get a gold-trimmed cushion under the general’s nose during an upstroke. He took the opportunity to seize a scroll from the cushion. Unrolling it, he declared,

The Eternal Empress of Escrutia accepts the petition of the grovelling barbarian dogs. We hereby present to you the summation of the glory of the Eternal Empire.

General Kow-Plan stepped aside, and a rectangular wooden crate standing over six feet high was rolled forward on a cargo trolley.

We are humbled and grateful for the kindness of the Eternal Empress. The gift of this technology will bring our two great nations closer together and enhance our collective understanding of the mysteries of the natural world, Pimola responded.

The aide leaned in and murmured in the general’s ear. He nodded, gave a slight grunt, and with a firm, salute-like motion, he extended a hand.

Your receipt. Sign where indicated.

Pimola did so, and the aide made finger whirling gestures at the ceiling. General Kow-Plan, his entourage, and the still-playing-band completed a carefully synchronised about-face and marched away towards the departure gate. Pimola, Habeas and the growing crowd of curious spectators were left alone with the large wooden box.

What is that? Habeas asked the question that was clearly on everyone’s mind.

This, Pimola said with a triumphant smile, is the machine that is going to prove that you and your fellow paper-munchers are a bunch of raving wig-weavers.

With that she beckoned the zippelin port staff behind the trolley to follow her and headed towards the exit.

Chapter 3

The offices of Mint and Munt Personal Solutions Inc. were currently in the basement of an otherwise abandoned building.

Two desks huddled in a clear space, surrounded by the cut-off pipes that had once carried empathic energy around the building. It was, as Edwid explained to a frowning Cole, a beginning. One day they would look back at the time they spent in this damp, cold, rat-infested tourist trap of a basement with fondness.

Cole, who had complained about the fungus growing up the walls and not least because it looked at him funny,