How to Make Great Love to a Man

preface

‘Sex is different for women. They only have to turn up’

– Jackie Mason.

This book is a lover’s guide to the male sex for women who want to enjoy and understand their partners. At the start of a new millennium, the direction of male sexuality remains a puzzle. How do we explain some of the contradictions? To pick a few straws from winds in recent years, we have:

❦  Filmstar Hugh Grant arrested in a car in the arms of a stranger when he apparently had one of the world’s most attractive partners available at home. Most women cannot understand his motive in choosing risky novelty over domestic intimacy.

❦  President Bill Clinton shamed and nearly impeached for seeking superficial orgasms in a corridor with a co-worker. Many are puzzled that fellatio could be worth jeopardising the world’s most powerful job.

❦  Grandfatherly rock singer Mick Jagger beating a Casanova rhythm in the bedrooms of several actresses and models young enough to be his daughters. Some observers wonder whether he may be suffering from a psychological illness such as sex addiction. Others say it’s glandular!

NOVELTY AND REASSURANCE

Or, consider some of men’s confusions about their gender. In every major Western country – England, France, Germany, Italy and the USA – there is now a small army of transsexual and transvestite prostitutes servicing what seem to be heterosexual men. Does this signpost anything about men’s innate sexual desires and fears? Could it be that what men actually want from women is the paradox of a ‘man’s mind in a woman’s body’? Does this mean that men want the prize of novelty wrapped in the ribbon of emotional safety?

If this is the case, then this is something else women need to understand. But a word of comfort at the outset – use this book wisely and well and a complete meeting of minds and bodies can still be achieved, whatever men’s erratic behaviour. Before we look at ways to greater sexual pleasure, take these facts to heart as well:

❦  Two thirds of all marriages last for life.

❦  As men and women grow older, they grow more similar. This is even true physically – male faces soften and women’s become sturdier with the years.

❦  Men’s sexual drive is not that of a dinosaur – it is controlled by the forebrain – they can choose to be true and loyal when they want.

❦  Men fall in love more easily and out of love with more difficulty than women.

❦  When women do get the sex ‘right’ with their partners, relationships nearly always flourish so you can control your joint destinies.

However, as a broad generalisation, men probably do operate more often in ‘emotional compartments’ than women. Although they have the same feelings, they find it difficult to label them. The obvious result is that women need to realise how significantly the male sexual imagination is different from theirs in order to manage it. To list examples:

❦  More men would take sex from a stranger than the average woman would.

❦  More men use pornography.

❦  More men are anxious about sexual performance and prowess than most women are.

❦  Men use risk both to increase their sexual drive and reinforce it.

❦  Men are on average both kinkier and apparently less faithful.

Men also realise that their largest sexual organ is the brain. The trouble is that they would secretly like to find their brains in their shorts. Through the centuries, men have been conditioned to lust after women who look young and beautiful. So if you want your love and lust to endure you must probe beneath the surface of these male preferences. Men need reminding by subtle currents of female influence that looks are additional to sexuality and sexuality depends on what happens after you talk. Real lovemaking comes from feelings of attachment to another person as much as the excitement of touching youthful skin. The poet Milton called beauty ‘Nature’s brag’ because it always fades. You need to help your man discover the basic psychic similarities and compatibilities you share together before his time runs out.

However, men are not creatures from Mars. There is no future in treating them with silent contempt. But you do need to accept that the male is writing a slightly different erotic shopping list. Men go from sex into love more often than love into sex. Men trust more slowly and disclose their emotions at higher cost. Men are sexually split – they know sex can be used to make love but believe it represents a pretty good end in itself. As one of the women characters in a Woody Allen film says: ‘Sex without love is an empty experience’. ‘Yes,’ replies Allen, ‘but as empty experiences go it’s one of the best.’ This is how men are in practically all societies. You need to work with and around it till the problem subsides. Sometimes men just want to come – it’s safe, really quite harmless. The family pets will not be frightened. You need to realise that sex can be so simple.

And when you do, you must adjust some of your own idealised fantasies. Accepting a man for himself means you probably can’t project the childlike dreams of lifetime romantic rescue onto one chap. You may tell yourself, like Mrs Blissfully Innocent: ‘He totally loves, supports and adores me’. But he is also bound to fancy looking at other naked women. And at some point in your future he will possibly consider going to bed with one of them. You’d be better prepared if you built this knowledge into your personal understanding. Because that’s how men are.

And yet the key to preserving any monogamous harmony also lies in a greater emphasis on exploring your mutual erotic ties. If a man is lucky enough to live with a woman who re-invents her love skills to suit his different ages and stages – who is the proverbial harlot in the bedroom but good companion in the living room – he has no practical incentive to explore his deceitful capacities. Nature will out, but our message is that men can be tamed. And this is the manual.

Phillip Hodson

MEN ARE NOT

from

MARS

There is no limit to the pleasure you can enjoy except the power of your own imagination. But if this book contains the best of all possible sensual and sexual experiences a woman can give a man, a sensory ideal, how do you set about understanding and creating the circumstances which will make it happen in your house for You and Yours? How do you get from ideal to real? We start with the basic male psychology of Chapter One – it’s no help to imagine that men are from Mars!

PEOPLE ARE ... FROM EARTH

No one today thinks men and women are emotionally identical. John Gray’s best-seller Men are from Mars Women are from Venus has made this crystal clear. But the two sexes remain different, not opposite. If you believe the exaggerations of writers like John Gray you are likely to make good sex much harder to achieve. You will certainly never successfully reconcile your differences. Men and women are not alien species from separate worlds. They are similar creatures endeavouring to solve their problems from slightly different viewpoints. This is where we believe John Gray gets it wrong about psychology:

THE EXAGGERATED CLAIMS OF JOHN GRAY

‘Men don’t want to talk about problems. Men want to seek solutions. When men seek solutions, they need to go into their caves. Never disturb a man in his cave. Never give a man unsolicited advice because it undermines his feelings of confidence and he might take it as criticism. Women often just want to talk about their problems without necessarily seeking solutions.’

❦  The differences within one sex are far greater than the differences between the two sexes. By this we mean that man has wide variations of desire, romance and sexual performance just like woman but that the majority of men and women respond similarly. So it’s not true that your lover is on another planet on a different wavelength and unable to ‘speak your language’. There will always be major areas where the two of you easily connect if you recognise this and know how to achieve the connection.

❦  Most psychological surveys show there are no major differences between the sexes. But these surveys don’t get published because they have ‘nothing to report’. The similarities are many. The physiological pattern of sexual response is identical and the hormonal system, despite differing ratios of the sex hormones, works similarly. The sex problems, when they crop up, are physiologically alike. Men suffer from impotence. So, too, do women.

In other words ‘People are from Earth’.

Having made this point, it may appear odd to explore the differences that remain. But knowing where men and women are likely to see things as separate systems comes in useful when gauging your own behaviour with your man. The sex differences that count are the subject of this chapter. We begin by looking at the ways in which a man’s sexual emotions are not quite like yours.

THE PSYCHO-SEXUAL DIFFERENCES

Men’s minds work a shade differently from women’s, with less acute emotional radar. As a result, they sometimes tend to imagine that girls are like boys with breasts. Where women can be generous to men’s physical imperfections and are mainly turned off by their emotional failings, men tend to undervalue the human context in which sex is supplied. ‘I don’t mind if a woman fails to appreciate me emotionally,’ says the Martin Clunes character in the soap opera Men Behaving Badly, ‘so long as she still gets her kit off.’

Men even regard sex like food. Their characteristic reaction to refusal of sex is puzzlement: ‘Why is she on a hunger strike? We all need to eat to survive.’ Hence men’s propensity to divorce their ‘needs’ from feelings. As the husband in one Roddy Doyle novel says to his wife immediately after a row: ‘I suppose a ride is out of the question?’ In seeking comfort, men still solicit sex.

Men pretend to be ever-ready like the battery but are just as likely to have the headaches. They also like to reinforce their own masculine stereotypes. However, contrary to myth, the world is full of hot accountants and cold pop-stars. Despite what men like to think, the sexes are identical in their distribution of desire. A few people have extreme sexual appetites (great or small) while the rest of us come somewhere in the middle.

In terms of sheer appetite, women are apt to be discreet about their amours. Men make propaganda out of theirs. In fact the only way to make any sense of the research on infidelity is to assume that women routinely lie about their lovers. Either that, or one urban sex worker in the North of England is having more partners than hot dinners.

Present psychological thinking, based on many areas of enquiry, accepts the possibility that there is indeed a ‘male brain’. This male brain is generally accepted by the female of the species to be:

❦  less socially clever

❦  less able to manoeuvre and negotiate within social and emotional relationships

❦  less able to make the deep and meaningful interpersonal connections that women find so necessary to their own sense of self-worth and well-being.

Whether or not this current research proves fruitful remains to be seen. And even if this current research does not, it’s worth remembering that publishing itself is a form of social conditioning. Both sexes are persuaded by books like Men are from Mars Women are from Venus to believe that men don’t comprehend emotions.

THE CLAIMS OF DR JOHN GOTTMAN

‘Men avoid emotional conflicts by ... withdrawing. As long as the withdrawal doesn’t lead to long periods of loneliness, they usually feel just fine about it. Whether he ... plays computer games, jogs or just drives around, the man’s main purpose is to escape the emotional roller-coaster. It’s a self-protective act. If you ask a male stonewaller to describe his state of mind he often says I’m trying not to react. He feels like he’s idling in neutral even though his wife perceives his silence as hostility.’

MEN GET FLOODED

The male brain has one further crucial difference from a woman’s. Because men tend not to probe into their own or other people’s feelings, they are more emotionally vulnerable. According to psychologist Dr John Gottman, men have a stronger physical reaction to all their emotions than women do. If either sex wants to claim the world title for emotions, men could probably do so. In general, there’s overwhelming evidence to show men have shorter fuses and suffer longer-lasting explosions when angry.

For example, during a difficult marital row a man’s heart rate and blood pressure will rise sharply and stay at an elevated level far longer than his wife’s. Typically, the male heart rate will surge to an extra 20 to 30 beats per minute. Sometimes the rate will approach that of a man driving a Formula 1 racing car. This happens swiftly so that he’s still stuck with an accelerated heart rate long after the woman has moved on to other subjects. The average woman’s rate, by contrast, can stay relatively unchanged before, during and after the ‘discussion’. She is apparently more comfortable verbalising her difficulties than avoiding them.

Such gender differences, says Gottman in his book Why Marriages Succeed or Fail, help to clarify why men are so much more likely than women to become stonewallers – indeed may even deny that they have emotional difficulties. Gottman suggests that 85 per cent of stonewallers are male and that the purpose of their emotional denials is to protect the male brain from unacceptably high levels of stress.

SAME PROBLEM, DIFFERENT SOLUTIONS

❦  Men and women identify different points of friction when a relationship begins to fail. Men talk about things like money and sex, women about commitment and intimacy issues.

❦  Men are far more likely to see the difficulty as a technical hitch rather than a crisis.

❦  When men stonewall, women generally escalate their demands for a more emotional response.

❦  As a last resort, women tend to ‘throw in the kitchen-sink’ – dragging up every single past occasion on which a partner has failed to satisfy them.

❦  Men interpret this as a declaration of war – often voting with their feet.

HOW TO ARGUE WITHOUT RUINING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

❦  The magic 5 to 1 ratio: make sure there is five times as much positive feeling between you and your partner as there is negative

❦  Remove blame from your comments

❦  Say how you feel

❦  Listen to your partner

❦  Don’t criticise or try to analyse your partner’s personality

❦  Don’t insult, mock or use sarcasm

❦  Be direct and stick to one situation, rather than dragging up the past

❦  Learn how to calm yourself when floods of emotion block communication

❦  Discuss how you can take a break

❦  Try to think of your partner’s good qualities – praise and admire them

❦  Look at these principles again and again. It takes a long time to learn new habits

DR JOHN GOTTMAN AGAIN

‘In happy relationships there are no gender differences in emotional expression. But in unhappy relationships all the gender differences emerge – men are more defensive; men try to keep the