Enjoying the Courtship & Marital Dances: Now and Evermore

Copyright © 2023 John F. Paugstat.

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This book is a work of non-fiction. Unless otherwise noted, the author and the publisher make no explicit guarantees as to the accuracy of the information contained in this book and in some cases, names of people and places have been altered to protect their privacy.

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Unless otherwise indicated, all Scripture taken from the Holy Bible, Modern King James Version

Copyright © 1962 – 1998 By Jay P. Green, Sr. Used by permission of the copyright holder.

Scripture quotations marked (ESV) are from the ESV® Bible (The Holy Bible, English Standard Version®), Copyright

© 2001 by Crossway, a publishing ministry of Good News Publishers. Used by permission. All rights reserved.

Scripture marked (KJV) taken from the King James Version of the Bible.

Scripture marked (ISV) taken from the Holy Bible: International Standard Version® Release 2.0. Copyright © 1996-2013 by

the ISV Foundation. Used by permission of Davidson Press, LLC. ALL RIGHTS RESERVED INTERNATIONALLY.

Scripture quotations marked (CEV) are from the Contemporary English Version Copyright

© 1991, 1992, 1995 by American Bible Society. Used by Permission.

Scriptures quotations marked (GNB) are from the Good News Bible © 1994 published by the Bible Societies/HarperCollins

Publishers Ltd UK, Good News Bible© American Bible Society 1966, 1971, 1976, 1992. Used with permission.

Scripture marked (ERV) taken from the Holy Bible: Easy-to-Read Version (ERV), International

Edition © 2013, 2016 by Bible League International and used by permission.

All Scripture marked with the designation GW is taken from GOD’S WORD®. © 1995, 2003, 2013,

2014, 2019, 2020 by God’s Word to the Nations Mission Society. Used by permission.

ISBN: 978-1-6642-8565-1 (sc)

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ISBN: 978-1-6642-8566-8 (e)

Library of Congress Control Number: 2022922193

WestBow Press rev. date: 02/20/2023

Author’s Note

The Bible verses in this text serve as a useful reference and ready guide for daily behavior in a marital relationship. The references are rooted in the King James Version (KJV). However, to make the verses compatible with current English voice, all scripture is quoted, paraphrased, or summarized from some twenty Bible versions.

For example, all thees and thous of the KJV have been changed to modern English forms. Extraneous words and phrases are eliminated or reduced to the simplest form. (See detail in the appendix covering the Biblical Behavioral Instructions.)

Each verse is identified with the closest version from which it is quoted or paraphrased. The default version has its roots in the Modern King James Version (MKJV).

Acknowledgments

Carol Musser

For her insightful comments and suggestions on the text.

Darlene Paugstat (wife of the author)

For her patience and encouragement in the writing of this book.

The Editors and Support Team of WestBow Press

For their suggestions toward a more reader-friendly text.

I had a good marriage

That could have been better,

Had the author (my husband),

Written this book before our marriage.

Darlene Paugstat

Marital Blooms

"I could have danced all night...

And still have begged for more.

I could have spread my wings

And done a thousand things

I never done before."

From My Fair Lady by A.J. Lerner, 1956

The Two

Shall Dance as One

Paraphrased—Mat 19:5

The author and his wife on their sixtieth wedding anniversary

Cover Page: Their wedding day

Purpose: To review the fundamentals that ensure

An enduring, delightful Marital Dance.

Table of Contents

The First Dance

Preface

The Marital-Dance Fitness Test

Chapter 1    The Way of Man with Maiden

The Trail of Wonders

Marital Realities

The Biblical Marital Dance

Unity

Be True

Chapter 2    The Courtship and Marital Dances

The Secular Model

The Biblical Model

The Troublesome Biblical Model

Synergy

Confirmation

Chapter 3    Marital Basics

The Music

The Choreography

Cause and Effect Behavior

The Biblical Behavioral Instructions (BBI)

Chapter 4    Twelve Cs for Marital Conduct

1. Christian

2. Compatibility

3. Commitment

4. Communications

5. Conflict Resolution

6. Concentration

7. Cohabitation

8. (Self) Control

9. Conformance

10. Consistency

11. Compassion

12. Contentment

Chapter 5    Insurance Measures

1. Faith

2. Excellence

3. Harmony

4. Making Valid Decisions

5. Planning

Chapter 6    Exemplars

Chapter 7    Fourteen Steps

Toward a Joyful Marital Dance

Appendices

I.    The Biblical Behavioral Instructions (BBI)

II.   Peace and Joy

III.  Supporting Math

A Prayer for Marital Harmony

The First Dance

I wrote the following letter to my mother (we called her Momma in German) after my first dance with my wife-to-be. The letter was lost in the files of antiquity until my children found and shared it on our fiftieth wedding anniversary. The letter portrays the wonders when boy discovers girl. In the letter, Bill is my brother. Introductory statements are left out.

After sixty-plus years, that dance is still going strong.

April 7, 1956

Dear Momma,

… I suppose that you heard about Bill. It is too bad, for he seemed so sensible, and now he wants to spend the rest of his life with one woman. That’s a long time, Momma. I think that you are right; Bill should have listened to you. Like I told Bill, I am going to listen to you, Mom, and I am going to be strong and leave the women alone.

One thing though, I went to Reedley [CA] over the weekend and stayed at the home of a friendly Christian family. It just happened that they have a daughter about my age who took it upon herself to entertain me. Her father let me use his car, filled it with gas, and let me take it up into the mountains. Their daughter got into the car with me. I couldn’t tell her to stay home since I was their guest. So I took her along, and away we went. I enjoyed driving that car, and the scenery was great—inside and outside of the car.

On Easter Sunday morning, their little daughter knocked on my door at about five o’clock in the morning. I got up, and before long, there she was beside me in the car on the way to Easter Sunrise Service. It was a beautiful morning, a little cold and cloudy but beautiful. The service was held high up where you could see over the whole valley. Then we had church breakfast, church service, and then to her home for a delightful Easter dinner.

When I went back to school at Berkeley [CA], they sent a nice piece of Angel Food Cake plus lots of cookies, but they kept their little daughter. (I thought that they would have shared one of their two daughters.) That was all right, wasn’t it, Momma? If they want to give me all that stuff and be nice to me—then why not enjoy? So I said, "John, it’s Easter, and this kind mother has two daughters and no sons. So make her feel good and act like her son. So I did, but it was a sacrifice on my part. You know how it is. That’s OK, isn’t it Momma—to be nice to old ladies with lovely daughters? See, I am not like Bill. It’s just that some old ladies happen—well, you know.

Don’t worry about me, Momma. I figure that as long as I am nice to the old ladies, I’m OK. It is 2:15 AM Sunday.

Good night,

Your youngest son—John

Preface

Long ago, a wise man declared that there are four things too wonderful for me:

The way of an eagle in the air;

The way of a snake on a rock;

The way of a ship in the middle of the sea;

And the way of a man with a maiden.                                     (Pro 30:18, 19)

Those ways are worthy of wonder. However, there is a fifth way, more wondrous than all.

Man and maiden make two, and the two become one.

United as one, they have one after one,

becoming one family under one God.

That wonder and power of marital unity are foundational to this book. It is difficult to imagine any discussion of greater interest, mystery, beauty, and majesty. Indeed, the pinnacle of all wonders is embedded in that mysterious union of man and woman in a lifetime Marital Dance resulting in one family under one God. That is the ideal—the objective.

The word dancing, as used in this book, symbolizes the way of life. The Marital Dance relates to the way of life after the wedding ceremony.

The above has an interesting anomaly and caveat. As the following anecdote shows, creating a marital masterpiece is easier than preserving it.

A friend and I were riding our cycles through Kentucky’s beautiful bluegrass countryside. We stopped to admire a picturesque, pastoral setting that featured an old arched bridge crossing a gentle, serene creek defined by wildflowers and cattle lazily grazing nearby. He asked me to leave so that he could have some romantic time alone with His Love. The seed was sown; the romance blossomed. Several months later, I was privileged to attend their lovely wedding ceremony, which was capped by mutual promises to love and cherish until death do us part. They seemed compatible, with shared values and interests; they had pleasing personalities and enjoyed a solid Christian heritage. As the saying goes, It was a marriage made in heaven.

For the rest of the story, move the clock forward about ten years. At a social gathering, my cycle friend angrily confronted me for having invited her—his ex-love, ex-wife, and his child’s mother. I was unprepared for that dramatic, surreal shift in such a short period. How could a marriage made in heaven be dissolved in such a short time with such hostile feelings? What went wrong and why? This book addresses those questions, including means to ensure a joyful, enduring Marital Dance.

The divorce rate in the Christian community is on par with the secular community, which has varied between 14 percent and 25 percent over the last decade. That reality represents a dramatic paradigm shift in foundational Christian marital values and behavior. That reality indicates that the Christian way has no merit over the secular in producing a happy and lasting marital relationship. If that is true, why this book?

In response, faulty results are due to a faulty standard, understanding, or application. From the scientific and the biblical perspectives, if we properly apply time-proven basics, we can count on and enjoy the consequential benefits. That reality is foundational to this book. Indeed, all man’s fantastic developments are based on the application of time-proven principles. Failure to understand or properly apply those principles can result in catastrophic events.

The book UnChristian by David Kinnaman notes that most Christians do not know the basics of their faith and therefore cannot apply or benefit from them. The stats indicate that a verbal Christian without practice has no advantage in a marital relationship over a non-Christian. That cause/effect reality says it all.

To enjoy a lifetime Marital Dance, we need to know and correctly apply time-proven basics to ensure the desired results. Failure to understand or correctly apply truth can result in catastrophic events leading to destruction and death. Accordingly, this book champions the time-proven Biblical Behavioral Instructions (BBI) that detail the music, choreography, and behavioral guidelines basic to an enduring, enjoyable Marital Dance.

The need for an in-depth response to marital issues became a personal challenge. Seemingly overnight, my grandchildren morphed into young adults with critical lifetime decisions to make. One of