The Parade of Folly

PREFACE

Do you know what it means to be free?

It’s to feel the ache in the small of the back

and know it first came from standing up straight.

It’s feeling the whip of adversity from friends,

and still standing erect.

It’s a burning love tempered in sorrow.

It’s sipping daily the wonder of aloneness.

It’s slipping between the echoes of pain

and discovering yourself anew every day.

Because freedom means

Wholeness,

the connectedness of soul and action;

in the spirit, in the loins, in the now.

Freedom -

cares not for your feelings -

your comparisons of faith,

your burned flags are ashes that

cover the shame of your slavery,

to malice in your envy of others.

Freedom –

needs no competition with the flies in the marketplace.

It knows vermin when it sees one!

So, leave the fields of gathering heartache.

and grasp the one true essence

you came with into this world –

Freedom –

will liberate your smell of death –

cleanse your fear of forgetfulness,

and remake the praise of your perfection.

Do you know what it means to be free?

Try being true to yourself and the ones that you love!

A cartoon of a person holding a stick Description automatically generated A cartoon of a person holding a loaf of bread Description automatically generated

Jasper & Hippolyte Misadventures

You may recall, dear reader, that Amerigo Vespucci, the Italian explorer, after writing two very popular books about his travels to the ‘New World’ in 1502.  The German cartographer, Martin Waldseemüller, erroneously translated Amerigo into the Latin ‘Americus’ and then into its feminine form (as with Europe and Asia) as America. I’m choosing to use Amerigo’s surname, Vespucci, not America, in these satires & epistles.

Jasper Sauerkraut, son of Zucchini, came from a long line of gadflies or as the Vespuccians like to call them: Bullshitters. Fortunately, Jasper had materialized in a nation that valued Bullshitters. For who could doubt the sincerity of a nation that claims that all men (but not women) are created equal while building their wealth on the backs of indentured servants and enslaved Africans? The process continues today under the guise of ‘immigrants’, who supply the desperately needed cheap labor for work that the Vespuccians refuse to do. (so much for the Protestant work ethic)

As a representative of a line of gadflies that goes back 96 generations, Jasper is proud of his heritage and determined to further the art of living a conscious life, even though that meant facing his worst habits, like talking too much. With access to the hologram machine, which was invented by his 110th uncle on his mother’s side, back in the roaring 1700s when inventing thingamajigs was all the rage, he was able to skip centuries, years, months, weeks, and days until he found a time zone in which he felt comfortable, or proved useful in escaping the last world he’d been in which was particularly barbaric e.g.: the British East India Company. Jasper could materialize himself in whatever period of the Universe’s revolving time machine he liked.

He was currently, in the year 2023, plying his trade as a working journalist for the Oakland Tribune, and is frequently sent out to interview the celebrities that drop into The Bay Area of San Francisco.  The transcripts of his interviews with some of the Bay Area’s significant celebrities; many are long dead, but Jasper can bring them to ‘life’ using his hologram machine, which projected them, as living 3D humans, that can speak and understand English – very important attributes when dealing with foreigners – or non-Vespuccians.

Folly the Jester

PROLOGUE

Jasper Sauerkraut, son of Zucchini, comes from a long line of stand-up comics. His heritage stretched from the ancient world of Greece and Rome to the present day’s devolving 2000s. His friend and comrade-in-arms, Baron Hippolyte (release-the-horses) Gauloises, had to drop the Baron part of his name when he immigrated to Vespucci, as Vespuccians have a hard time with French aristos. Jasper, likewise, had migrated to Vespucci from Goode Olde not-so-merry Albion just as that nation committed Hari-Kari with Brexit, in a desperate attempt to take control of their dysfunctional, monarch-driven, class-poisoning island nation that was sinking under the overwhelming flatulence of its accumulated historical lies.

You will recall, dear reader, that Amerigo Vespucci, the Italian explorer, after writing two very popular books about his travels to the ‘New World’ in 1502, had his name Latinized and used by the German cartographer, Martin Waldseemüller, to name the continent. I’m choosing to use his surname, Vespucci as the name of the continent.

Jasper went to live in California, encouraged by a famous crime writer who said:

There are many ways to avoid life; you can get a job, get married, have an affair with your best friend’s wife, eat a

saw-off shotgun for breakfast, or you can move to California, where everyone re-invents themselves every day, and twice on Sundays.

The facility to invent is the state’s contribution to the devolution of mankind, spurred on by Cherrywood, whose sense of the sublime is to continue to churn out action-adventure hit jobs to keep their pubescent audience traumatized so they will continue to consume everything and anything thrown to them.

Both Jasper and Hippolyte were independently wealthy, having been successful thieves in their earlier lives, which was another reason to de-camp to California because the difference between thieves and citizens is negligible in the Golden State. Jasper had lifted a bag of diamonds from an unnamed African country, and Hippolyte had traded on his namesake, Hippolyte Taine, the famous French philosopher, and historian, who believed all creative artists were motivated by three principals: Race, Milieu, and Moment. Our Hippolyte had no idea what it all meant, but he was happy to take the praise offered him until he ran out of prevarications. That’s when he took a ship to Vespucci. Hippolyte met Jasper at a picnic table overlooking Lake Merritt in Oakland. Jasper was drinking wine and invited Hippolyte to join him. Oakland, the poor sister city across the Bay from Sin-Fran-Cisco, whose high rents, cold summer weather, and spaced-out geeks stood in stark contrast to the bubbling mass of humanity in Oakland, who represented a true vision of the Vespuccian dream.

Jasper and Hippolyte had a hologram machine that allowed them to access characters in history. The hologram machine also allowed them to go back in history and visit Hades, Heaven, and all the places in between. The reason for their interest in these realms of human existence was their search for folly and laughter. Having no reason to work to make money and having dispensed with the tiresome irritations of family and siblings, they were free to enjoy themselves, as everyone should. For it is only through freedom of thought and action and the striving for consciousness, fun, and folly that this life on planet Earth is bearable.

So, dear reader you are invited to follow the tales of Jasper and Hippolyte, as they peruse the annuals of history, and ask questions like: why are people so willing to give up their freedom to follow others who tell bad jokes? Why do people have nothing good to say about the present, when the NOW is all, we have? Why do people walk backwards into the future fixated on the past?

You will learn, dear reader, about, Jasper’s Flaccid Apology, his stroll through Hades. How the Horsemen of Hubris ruined their lives and their people. You’ll be smitten by Jungle Fever and learn the difference between Dietists and Deists. James Cagney Jr. discusses the English language in Ebonic Plague. Lord Buckley will spellbind you with a Hip story of the first Spaniards to visit Vespucci, in The Gasser. You will learn about the unique vocabulary in Vespucci that confounds the rest of the world, in the story: Only in Vespucci. And no contemporary account of Vespucci would be complete without The Duck disguised as a Chump.

Jasper and Hippolyte will explore politics, culture and folly in our world today. And ask why as free people in a democracy we deserve all the discomfort we get from our low-life politicians, we voted for? Hopefully, it will stir you dear reader, to laugh at the folly we call life in Vespucci land and perhaps, stop taking our leaders seriously, and take back control.

SATIRES & EPISTLES

Jasper’s Flaccid Apology (for Socrates)

You are accused, Jasper Sauerkraut, son of Zucchini, said Justice Molesto Moustacho, of having a whiskey dick, corrupting the youth, and defying the Gods who have decreed that all men must be proud holders of clean genitalia. How do you plead?

With amazement, your honor.

Do you not understand the charge?

No, your honor, as I’ve always been punctilious in my religious observations; why only yesterday I watched four hours of soft-porn novellas on TV during the afternoon as required by Chump’s law.

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Pure wiener, interrupted Jimbo, ‘the Monkey’ Jordan. "Do you not remember, you asinine jurors, when our empire was great, employment was epidemic, farmers were paid not to grow crops, and the military spent billions on armaments that didn’t work! Oh yes, dear citizens, our country was great then because it was unbalanced! Who can forget the random hangings that kept our slave labor fearful of learning? Or the millions of indentured servants swarming into our lands from the countries we left devastated by our imperial conquests.

And this Jasper, this butter nub Jasper Sauerkraut, would deny us our God-given right to exploit every opportunity to fulfill our most cherished noddle’s desire of a stiff John Hancock!

A cartoon of a person Description automatically generated And who was it, continued Jimbo ‘The Monkey,’ "who denied us this gift from the Gods and kept it all for himself? That friend, Clintonitus! Yes, Clintonitus, that razorback of Arkansas, that red meat of the Republic, that Dodo boy in sheep’s clothing! And who was it that educated this scourge of sexuality – by way of Oxford University, that nursey for the despicable Englishman’s disease – buggery!!

Yes, Jasper Sauerkraut; whose dyslexic Greek verbs were forced onto unsuspecting sophomores who wished nothing more than to stay adolescents all their lives and contribute to human evolution by dunking balls into scrotum-shaped nets in repetitious fashion until their injuries and myopic devotions to winning and losing, retired them to early narcissistic graves.

But come now Jimbo, ‘The Monkey,’ said Jasper, I invite you to tell us in what sense you determine that I corrupt the minds of the young. Your indictment states that you accuse me of teaching them to believe in using new dildoes to reach better climaxes faster, instead of the traditional simulated fornications experiences on day-time-TV, produced by your own company, I’m reliably informed!

It is a lie. It is a lie, I tell you, Aped Jimbo, I’m in no way connected with those disgraceful orgies in Chump Tower where fathers fornicate with their daughters for Chump’s spectacular new pilot apprenticeship show.

But it is true you are a shareholder of the proposed program?

Well... it didn’t work out... and so the project was canceled.... So, nothing gained nothing lost... like a tree falling in a forest (who saw it, who heard it?) nothing exists. I think, therefore I’m confused! Anyway – how did you find out about it?

I cannot determine your point, Jimbo, ‘The Monkey.’ Is it that I teach people to believe in some Gods – which means I must believe in Gods and cannot be an atheist – or that I believe in different gods from those recognized by the pubescent wrestling boys you patronize?

Yes; I say that you dis-believe in Gods’ altogether. How dare you talk about ‘my boils’ that way.

"Do you suggest then that I do not believe that all mankind believe in Gods and that I do not believe that they believe that A cartoon of a person with his hands up Description automatically generated

What...? I have no ear for your riddles Jasper Sauerkraut. Turning to face the jury, ‘The Monkey’ continues. "Citizens of the jury disregard his gibberish; mine is much better. Without fear of contradiction,

I state that he certainly does not believe in the Gods since he says that everyone believes in the Gods, but some do not, so he’s wrong on that account!"

You are not convincing, Jimbo ‘The Monkey,’ not even to yourself. You seem to be saying, ‘Will the infallible Jasper Sauerkraut realize that he is contradicting himself for his amusement, or shall I succeed in deceiving him and the rest of my audience?’ Because what you are saying, Jimbo, ‘The Monkey,’ is that ‘Jasper Sauerkraut is guilty of not having a limp dick because he has no limp dick!’ Jimbo ‘The Monkey,’ have you disconnected your cortex from your brain?

Jimbo ‘The Monkey’ sat down, eked and humiliated.

Who is to speak next from the accusers? asked Justice Molesto Moustacho."

"It is I, Annus (the sneaking, sniveling, snob-gobbling force behind the prosecution of Jasper Sauerkraut).

Step forward, Annus, and speak.

"Since man has ruled the earth with a stiff rod, the United States of Vespuccian laws have always been in awe of the phallus. To submit to the phallus is to obey the Gods. But even though the Gods have called on us to make love, not war, we have seen a steady limp decline in the great unwashed refusing to follow the Vespuccian laws of their betters, and their betters, of course, are me and my friends.

"Not long ago, we were elated by the Great Decider’s ejaculations that everything he threw up was true because the Gods spoke to him directly, but that was only until consciousness made clear that the Gods had no powers of discernment in the lands full of sand.

Fortunately, 2/3 of the self-medicated were afraid enough of their shadows that they went along with the regurgitations of a relapsed drunk who had exchanged alcohol for power. You will remember that David K. and Scott R. first voiced such despicable contrarian opinions that turned the Great Decider into the Great Loser. Such unforgivable clear logic has led to doubt and fear in our efforts to ‘Marmalize’ some Wogs nobody cared about until we bombed them!

And, once again, who did they study under? Yes, you guessed it, Jasper Sauerkraut!

Annus, if I might be so bold to ask, said Jasper, is it your contention that contrarian ideas are wrong because they question the existing status quo, or is it that you reject particular contrarian ideas?

"It is because of sophistry like that from unbelievers such as Jasper that we have lost faith in the Gods. For once upon a time, we could hear such echoing words as ‘all roads lead to Zeus the phallus’ thoroughfare of our gothic canyons. Today, we are besieged with the notion ‘that all men are created equal endowed by some kinda creator we chose to believe in to pursue our life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness and get bags of money for our pains.’ Such poppycock! Everyone has known from the beginning that slavery, subjugation, and fear have kept all human society in perpetual dullness and anxiety since the dawn of time.

"So, for this dirty old Jasper Sauerkraut, who is indeed very dirty – I can smell his stinking body odor from here – to suggest that all phallus’ are equal when we all know that only rich people have the well-endowed phallus,’ ha ha ha...?

This Jasper Sauerkraut is such a cad ha ha ha. I almost feel sorry for him in his innocence.

So, I take it then, Annus, said Jasper Sauerkraut, that you are contrary to any contrarian ideas?

I don’t subscribe to contrarian doctrines, for they never know whether they are coming or going. It is only in certainty that we find the truth.

Ah, but how can we all arrive at your faith in certainty, is it a philosophic truth? Did the Gods construct it, or did we, the people contrive it?

We, the people, were guided by the Gods.

Then everything we’ve done since the beginning of time must be correct because the Gods guided us with their divine wisdom?

Yes. Our constitution is perfect and unalterable as determined by the founding godfathers.

Then why do we have twenty-seven amendments, which in your layman’s language means additions! Why, when we are divinely guided, do we need additions?

Because circumstances change, and the Gods directed our leaders to adjust... but that is no slight on the Gods! They are just looking out for our future security and peace.

Then the Gods can see into the future?

They can see into the future as far as they need to see into the future.

But not enough, you would concede, that would spare us from a possibility of re-enslaving women, or black people, children, transgender people, or same-sex citizens who have shown themselves to have contributed significantly to the wealth and progress of the United States of Vespucci?

You might recall, oh jurors, said Annus, turning away from Jasper with a wave of his fly wisp "that Jefferciltus, the greatest of sophists who contended that man, not the gods, was the measure of all vibrant wormeats! He was one of that accursed crew of eggheads who said one thing but did another. For example, his preamble to the constitution: ‘...that all men are created equal...’, - yet he died bankrupt refusing to sell his slaves!!!

These are the same men I speak of who talk learnedly on any subject, whether they know anything about it or not. Who for money can teach you to present the worst side of an argument and make it appear better, so you can ‘get ahead’! These men are always arguing, questioning, and challenging the true Gods. Do they not understand that only a closed mind is certain!

I see, said Jasper Sauerkraut, If we were just to close our minds, we would realize all our deepest desires to have well-endowed, purple-helmeted warriors. Is that what you’re telling us, Annus? If so, I should remind you, Annus, that an unconscious mind is a life without purpose, and a purpose-driven mind without consciousness is a life not worth living!

Up yours, Jasper Sauerkraut, you old fairy, said Annus,

grabbing his genitalia as he re-took his seat.

DeSan-Testes, the third accuser, rose from his seat and spoke: Does anyone here know me as anything but a dishonest man? There was silence. If there is, I would hear his voice now. A coward? Someone coughed. Speak up if you think I’m a coward, a cruel or vindictive man?