Whimsy

A collection of quirky short stories

CURTIS SHALO

2024

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This one’s dedicated to the only people I know who will read this book:

To Colin, Howard, Linda,

Harris, & Jim

And a special mention to

Andreas & Tina

who I'm certain will one day read this book when their English gets better and ultimately will be able to understand my sarcasm and humor.

Table of Contents

Page 8 –  Genesis

Page 23 – Triple N Glenn

Page 45 –  The Stand Up

Page 52 – A Tall Tale

Page 63 –  The Rift

Page 71 –  Primogeniture

Page 90 –  Femme Fatale

Page 100 – Family Dynamics

Page 112 – Now Take My Advice

Page 124 – The Little League Tryout

Page 129 – Freefall

Page 142 – Half Dozen of One, One of the Other

Page 154 – The Summer of 2024

Page 160 – A Child’s Tale

Page 171 –  The Post-it

Page 184  – Arf!

Page 192 – A Child’s Tale

Page 201 – Red Flags / Green Flags

Page 216 – Kismet

Table of Contents

Page 231 – A Child Prodigy

Page 241 – Lincoln – The Rap Musical 

Page 272 – Travis, Maya & Camille

Page 285 – Dr. Spock

Page 293 – Mr.Spock

Page 299 – The 7-38-55 Rule

Page 310 – Catch-23

Page 319 – The Foursome

Page 326 –  The Fantastic Funeral of Daniel Gold

–

Preface

The purpose of a storyteller is not to tell you how to think, but to give you questions to think upon.

Brandon Sanderson

I had so many choices to make when I started brainstorming ideas for my next book project that I felt like my head was going to explode. Selecting a genre was the first challenge I faced. Should I write a captivating novel, explore the complex world of novellas, or revisit my favorite medium, short stories? After much deliberation, I decided to embark on a collection of short stories, with their brevity and versatility providing a compelling platform for my creative expression.

The next challenge presented itself in the choice between fictional and real-life-inspired stories. If I chose fiction, I could explore limitless possibilities, creating characters and storylines that defied the boundaries of reality. I could delve into the realms of fantasy, science fiction, or historical fiction. However, the drawback of fiction is that the reader could struggle to connect emotionally with stories that lacked a connection to their own experiences.

On the other hand, drawing inspiration from real-life experiences offered a different set of advantages. By basing stories on actual events or individuals, I could create narratives that resonated deeply with readers. However, staying too close to real events could limit creativity, while straying too far away risks diminishing the story's impact.

Undeterred, I continued my exploration, confronted with the question of theme. Should I transport my readers to distant historical eras, fill the book with tales of romance, whisk them away to mythical places, tickle their funny bones with humorous anecdotes, or keep them on the edge of their seats with suspenseful tales? Each genre held its own allure, promising a unique reading experience.

Finally, after deciding on a theme, I now had to figure out when my stories would take place. Should they be set in the past, the present, or in an uncharted world of a dystopian future? Each period presented its own set of challenges and opportunities, which would influence the characters, plot, and general surroundings of the stories.

Setting stories in the past offered the allure of historical authenticity and the ability to explore bygone eras, complete with their distinctive customs, societal norms, and technical advancements. Choosing the present as the setting allowed for a more immediate connection with the audience, as characters and events could reflect the realities of everyday life. Venturing into the dystopian future offered the opportunity to create an uncharted world, unconstrained by the limitations of historical accuracy or present-day realities.

In the midst of confusion, when the route forward appeared clouded in uncertainty, a moment of clarity arrived. An epiphany lit up the solution like a 5-alarm fire, making it as apparent as mud. I would write short stories, both fiction and nonfiction. I would compose stories in each genre, followed by specific stories set in the past, present, and future. Each genre would provide a distinct canvas on which to paint stories of adventure, love, humor, and introspection.

The possibilities for storywriting now became unlimited. By deciding to compose stories that were unrelated to one another, I expanded the genres to include a children's story, relationship issues, a dystopian narrative, and a conversation with a dog. I  opted to write an advice column, a stand-up comedy routine, and even the lyrics to a new Broadway musical.

The Old Testament

I had a dream about you last night... You turned red, then green, and then blue. You told me you were trying to fit in with the M&M's.

Amy Summers

Today was the day I went to the car dealership to pick up my new Genesis G80 sedan in Makalu Grey with an Urban Ground interior. While finishing off the paperwork in the salesperson's office, I couldn't help but notice a copy of the Old Testament on his desk. My first thought was how strange it appeared to have it sitting out in the open. I assumed it was there because of his religious beliefs and because he needed to be reminded of the principles needed to be a good and decent person.

I hadn't glanced inside the Old Testament since I was a child, so my curiosity got the best of me, and when I opened it and noted to the salesperson how coincidental it was that the first chapter was titled Genesis, he chuckled before returning to finish the paperwork.

For as long as I can remember, I've been fascinated by the people who collaborated together to create the Bible, knowing that few people could read it and that only one copy would be available until the printing press was invented hundreds of years later. One of the many questions I would ask myself was: How was it distributed across the region once it was written? I skimmed through the first few chapters before recognizing just how ludicrous the entire concept of the book was. I placed it back down, completed the necessary paperwork, and drove my new car home.

The following afternoon, while cleaning up my attic, I uncovered a box labeled Penn State, containing mementos I had saved after graduating from college. As I rummaged through the collection of t-shirts, newspaper clippings, and autographed football programs, I came across a small, sealed manila envelope. When I opened it, there was a plastic packet inside containing a number of pills with the number 714 stamped on them, which I assumed were quaaludes. I remembered them as my drug de choix, a depressant that made me feel incredibly relaxed, unrestrained, and, most importantly, extremely sexual and incredibly virile. The only adverse effect I can recall was having vivid and imaginative dreams, which I would always write down when I awoke.

Given that these tablets were about 40 years old, I assumed they were way past their expiration date and useless, but being the daring and adventurous man that I am, I tried one. Much to my surprise, they worked! When my wife got home from work, I handed her one, and 15 minutes later we decided to skip dinner and ended up having the most wonderful evening I could have ever imagined—on the sofa, in the kitchen, and in our bedroom.

As darkness enveloped the room, I closed my eyes and embarked on a surreal journey. I conjured up an image of myself and my beloved Schnauzer gliding effortlessly along an empty highway in my sleek Genesis. I let go of the steering wheel, and the car continued to accelerate until I heard a loud boom, and, just like in the movie Back to the Future, I found myself and my dog standing on a dirt road in front of a sign that read, Wilkommen in Mainz.

As I struggled to comprehend my surroundings, I noticed an elderly man approaching in a wagon drawn by two goats. He explained to me about our unique situation in a voice that seemed as though it came from the ancient past and informed me of our extraordinary predicament. It seems we were in Mainz, Germany, in the year 300 A.D. As we continued walking up the dirt road, my dog suddenly began barking, and at the same time, I smelled a familiar odor in the air. I looked ahead and, in the distance, I noticed six bearded men sitting around a campfire. As we approached the men, one of them looked up to me and, without saying a word, handed me a joint. I sat down between them, and after introducing myself, I learned their names: Abe, Ike, Deshaun, José, Eli, and Moishe.

In the midst of their cannabis-induced euphoria, Abe's mind raced with an audacious scheme. He proposed that they harness their collective imaginations to create a book filled with the most outlandish and improbable tales. With a mischievous grin, he explained his reasoning: since literacy was a scarce commodity, they could unleash their literary creations upon the unsuspecting masses and witness firsthand the gullibility of those who would dare to believe the unbelievable.

But what will these stories be about? Ike inquired. Eli intervened and recommended that they write stories about historic events that occurred hundreds of years ago so that no one could ever question whether or not what they wrote was true. José piped in, People will believe anything, no matter how absurd it appears. OK then, Abe said, before directing Moishe to get out his pen and papyrus and start writing down all of their thoughts. As Deshaun warned Ike not to Caeser the joint and pass it over to him, I was astounded to discover myself in Germany some 2000 years ago, with all six men chatting in flawless English, albeit with subtle accents. This extraordinary moment left me in awe, witnessing a timeless gathering of minds united by the power of storytelling.

As the men engaged in their brainstorming session, their voices hummed with excitement. Eli's proposal to introduce an invisible superhuman being sparked a flurry of ideas. The concept of a white-haired, bearded figure claiming to have crafted the universe captivated their imaginations. Moishe quickly jotted down the details on a fresh sheet of papyrus.

Jose, eager to find a suitable name for their celestial creation, turned to me and inquired about my dog's name. With a tinge of amusement, I replied, 'Dog.' To José's surprise, when he attempted to transcribe the name, Moishe realized he had inadvertently spelled it backwards. That's because I'm dyslexic, José explained sheepishly. A moment of silence ensued before Moishe's eyes widened in realization. 'Then God it is!' he exclaimed.

As the trio deliberated over the name of the first man, a spirited debate erupted. Abe, with his pragmatic nature, proposed the name Fred, while José, with a touch of Latin flair, suggested Diego. I immediately interjected with the name Adam. When the voting originally ended in a tie, Abe picked up a stone, flipped it in the air, and proclaimed that if the stone breaks into pieces, the name Diego wins; if it breaks in half, the name Fred wins; and if it doesn't break at all, then Adam wins. After Abe tossed the stone in the air and it landed without breaking, the next order of business was to choose a name for the first woman. The men came up with three options: Shayna, Keisha, and Eve. After a round of voting, Eve emerged triumphant, garnering the support of three out of five votes. The trio had successfully bestowed names upon the first man and woman, paving the way for the creation of humanity.

Abe, the self-declared leader of the group, interjected, reminding them of the unfinished task at hand. Before they embarked on their literary journey, they needed to christen this pivotal chapter. Sensing the potential for frivolous suggestions, I swiftly proposed a solution. My Genesis car, I proclaimed, is the vessel that transported me here. What more fitting name could there be for this tale?' They all applauded my idea, despite the fact that I could hear them whispering to one another about whether anyone had ever heard of the word genesis or car and what it meant.

After blowing a massive cloud of smoke out of his mouth, Ike asked the others, So, what happens next? Let's make the characters badass, Abe said. Envision this, he went on. God, in his infinite wisdom, creates a serpent endowed with the power of speech, who tempts Adam and Eve with the allure of forbidden fruit. Eve, possessed by a rebellious spirit, defies God's edict and consumes an apple from the forbidden tree. The serpent, acting as an informant, relays this act of defiance to God, who banishes Adam and Eve into the unforgiving desert, condemning them to a desolate existence.

The group erupted in a chorus of approval, their imaginations ignited by the prospect of creating a tale that defied rational thinking. Moishe nodded in agreement, his mind already racing with possibilities. As the discussion progressed, they delved deeper into the intricacies of the plot. They debated the motivations of the serpent, the nature of God's wrath, and the consequences of Adam and Eve's actions. With each passing moment, the story took on a life of its own, promising to become a captivating epic that would resonate with readers long after its final words were written.

Sam responded, This plot sounds like a no-brainer, before asking the others how civilization would progress after Adam and Eve die in the desert. Deshaun then announced, I have an idea. Let's imagine Eve has three boys, and each of the three sons must have intercourse with their mother when they grow up, and she gives birth to some girls in order to have more babies. Sam replied, That's disgusting. Deshaun went on, To make this easier to understand, maybe we should assume that God has such amazing powers that he can simply snap his fingers and create a large number of men and women." The men all nodded in agreement.

Jose suggested injecting a sinister twist into their tale. He proposed a murder, a fratricide, where the firstborn son would slay his younger brother. He envisioned God's wrath upon the murderer being so intense that he would banish him to an eternity of wandering in the unforgiving desert until he died of terminal dehydration. As they contemplated this gruesome twist, Moishe, the ever-pragmatic one, interjected. He pointed out that for their story to be cohesive, they would need to extend the characters' lifespans to 900 years. This suggestion prompted an outburst of laughter, the absurdity of their plot becoming increasingly apparent. Despite their amusement, they resolved to continue crafting their tale.

Eli's tale continued with intrigue, as he described God returning to Earth 900 years later and seeing how he really screwed up. Determined to rectify the situation, God embarks on a new plan and selects the only virtuous couple who had remained uncorrupted by the vices of lying, cheating, and theft. He then commands them to construct a colossal boat, measured in cubits, which would serve as a sanctuary for all living creatures. After the couple builds the boat, God snaps his fingers and summons two of every animal species onto the vessel. The final touch is a torrential downpour that lasts for ten relentless days, lifting the boat high above the rising waters until it floats away.

José butted in, I don't believe 10 days of rain will even turn this place into a lake. Why don't we make it forty days and nights? Ike agreed, saying, That should work. Abe then asked everyone how the animals were going to eat, how horrible the boat would smell, and what was keeping them from devouring each other. Good point, Eli responded, then suggested, Let's just assume God casts a spell on all the animals until the rain stops and they can get off the boat. The best thing about God is that if something seems impossible or unbelievable, we can simply explain that he has the ability to do it magically. Perfect! exclaimed the others.

We need some angels in this story, Deshaun remarked. What if two very attractive angels pay a visit to a guy named Lot who lives in a town we’ll call Sodom, where orgies occur every day? Then, every male in Sodom appears in Lot's doorway, requesting permission to rape the two angels. Lot then asks the men if they would rather rape his two young daughters. Because the men think it sounds vile and won’t do it, God blinds them all and tells Lot and his family to flee the town without looking back because he is about to destroy it. When Lot's wife disobeys the command, God turns her into a pillar of salt. How high are you? inquired Abe, as Moishe quickly wrote everything down.

Wait, Deshaun added, I didn't finish the story. After leaving Sodom, Lot and his two daughters seek refuge in a cave. His daughters are concerned that there aren't any men around, so they take turns getting their father drunk and having sex with him. Both of them conceive, and their sons establish powerful dynasties. Pshew, Ike said. I think we're getting a little too far out there now.

Eli interjected, saying, I've got an even better one. It's getting late, Abe interrupted, reminding the others that after listening to Deshaun's narrative, they should all go home and return the next night with more stories. As the men stood up, bid farewell, and made their way home, Deshaun couldn't resist a final flourish. I believe we need some royalty in our story, he announced with a mischievous grin. Perhaps a king, a wise and benevolent ruler. And I shall name this king after myself! A chorus of laughter filled the air as the men departed, each carrying their own anticipation for the stories that awaited them tomorrow.

When they returned the next evening, Deshaun resumed his captivating tale. Deshaun is a beloved king after succeeding his predecessor, King Saul, who was unhappy with the takeover. Deshaun's heart yearned for Saul's daughter, Michal, but Saul’s reluctance ignited a cunning scheme. Saul demanded a staggering bride price: 100 foreskins from the Philistines, their sworn enemies. Deshaun's bravery and determination were put to the test as he ventured into enemy territory. Against all odds, he emerges victorious, killing 200 Philistines and chopping off their foreskins. With his bride price secured, Deshaun returns, becomes king, and marries Michal.

To top it all off, Deshaun continued. King Deshaun confronts a giant Philistine named Goliath, sending a single stone in a slingshot hurtling through the air. Miraculously, the stone finds its mark, felling Goliath and securing an astounding victory for his people. King Deshaun becomes a legend, his name forever etched in the annals of history."

Holy Moses! Abe blurted out. I really think it would be a good idea if we changed your name in the story to David. I don't believe people in these modern times will believe there is a black-skinned superhero. Just one more question, Ike asked. What does Saul do with all the foreskins? Abe quickly responded, I think it’s best if we leave that up to the reader’s imagination."

The six men returned every night for the next three months with stories about God turning the Nile River into blood, then making it rain frogs, lice, and locusts, parting the Red Sea to allow millions of slaves and their animals to flee to the desert, and then drowning all the Egyptians in chariots chasing them from behind. José made up a scenario about all the slaves living 40 years in the desert, but when the others inquired how they could survive without food and water, José said, When anything seems impossible, just ask God to help out! In this case, God places edible plants in the desert, and everyone grinds them into manna and eats it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Deshaun replied, Why don’t we call it McManna? Laughter erupted among the friends, a testament to the joy and camaraderie that had blossomed among them through their imaginary tales.

Abe invented a scenario in which Moses decides to trek back to Egypt, but God intends to murder him. As Moses embarks on his ill-fated journey, his wife, Zipporah, becomes aware of God's malevolent plan. In a desperate act of defiance, she seizes a knife and performs a ritual circumcision on their young son. With the blood from the procedure, she anoints her husband's foot. To the astonishment of all, God abruptly abandons his intention to kill Moses. The reason for this sudden change of heart remains shrouded in mystery. When questioned why this gesture caused God to change his mind, Abe says, That's what's amazing about this story. It makes no sense. 

Other myths included one about a long-haired he-man named Samson who was walking with his parents one day when they were attacked by a lion. Instead of bothering his parents, he tore the lion apart with his bare hands and buried it to keep them from finding out. Then there's another captivating tale that was Eli's favorite narrative. It centers on Ehud, an Israelite hero who deceives and stabs a king named Eglon. Eglon is exceedingly overweight, so when Ehud pushed the sword into Eglon's abdomen, he found that its entire length, including the handle, disappeared