Learning To Walk - A Soldier's Story

Learning to Walk -

A Soldier’s Story

By Clifford Beck

The hottest place in Hell Is reserved for those who remain neutral in times of great moral conflict.

Dante Alighieri

This is for our service men and women who are forced, by their commitment to freedom,  to endure the psychosis of war. Thank you for your service and your sacrifice

Clifford Beck

Copyright 2019

Cover Design – Clifford Beck

For My Brother, Randy.

Table of Contents

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Chapter 7

Chapter 8

Chapter 9

Chapter 10

Chapter 11

Chapter 12

Chapter 13

Chapter 14

Chapter 15

Chapter 16

Chapter 17

Chapter 18

Chapter 19

Chapter 20

Chapter 21

Chapter 22

Chapter 23

Chapter 24

Chapter 25

Chapter 26

Chapter 27

Chapter 28

Chapter 29

Chapter 30

Chapter 31

Chapter 32

Chapter 1

Everyone thinks the desert is always hot and dry. That’s not necessarily true, Afghanistan has both mountains and deserts. It sees both blazing hot days in the desert sand and frigid temperatures in the mountains. Their main export is heroin, grown on the fertile slopes of the Afghan mountains. Recently, it was discovered that the Afghanis had begun producing heroin that’s ten times more potent than they had previously produced and of course, the largest consumer of Afghani heroin is - you guessed it - us. The addicts here who get their hands on this stuff are dying before they get the needle out of their veins.

You might be asking yourself right now ‘why should I care?’ The world is going to hell and there seems to be little, if anything, any of us can do about it. I don’t know, maybe it would be better if good old planet earth took a hit from a mountain-sized asteroid. After all, as big as the universe is, who would miss us? People don’t seem to understand how insignificant we truly are but that doesn’t mean we can’t make a difference. Maybe not to the whole of humanity, but sometimes it only takes one person to step up and do the right thing. I’m not talking about God or anything. Personally, I’m not so sure there’s anything out there that could provide anyone with a sense of purpose, whether you want to call it fate, determinism, the will of God or whatever it is that people call it. The truth of the matter is we’re all alone, at least in this neck of the woods anyway and all we really have is each other. But, I try not to see humanity as the random collection of sexually driven animals that others see us as. You know the people I’m talking about - the politicians, the corporations, the wealthy and all the other power hungry, self-delusional idiots who seem to have talked themselves into believing that they’re somehow better than everyone else.

The line between right and wrong often becomes blurred when money and power are involved. Many times, the rich walk while the poor get locked up and forgotten, treated as if they’re nothing more than the eyesores of society. Unfortunately, there’s nothing that one person can do to better the world, but one person does what one person can. My name is Clarence. But in the eyes of the government, I have another name - Private Taylor. So, I suppose for the sake of accuracy, I should refer to myself with my proper government assigned name. My name is Private Clarence Taylor and my current address is a charming neighborhood in hell called Afghanistan and this is my story.

I was born in Bangor, Maine in 1986. I went to school, did my homework and studied hard enough to graduate in the top ten percent of my high school class. My parents tried hard to instill in me a strong set of ethics and to make something of myself. They taught me not only the meaning of compromise, but that there would always be times when compromising could not be achieved. They also taught me the importance of doing the right thing, no matter what the cost.

I wasn’t raised with any kind of religion. It’s not that my parents thought it was a waste of time, they simply believed that if there was anything that could control our fate, it would have started by cleaning up the mess left over from a species ‘it’ created in the first place. I never saw the universe as possessing some grand scheme or divine plan and if you asked that age-old question - ‘what is the meaning of life?’ - you would have been disappointed by the answer. And what is the answer? Life has no meaning. Life is simply an event that happens wherever the conditions are right for its development. To be honest, I came to see that question as something of a cop-out, one that’s asked by people who are unable or unwilling to take a good hard look in the mirror and deal with their own emptiness, insecurities, and misery.

The question that people don’t seem to want to ask is ‘what is the meaning of ‘my’ life?’ It’s a hard question to ask because it demands not only reflection but accountability. And let’s face it, we are all too willing to blame everyone else for the problems that we create for ourselves. And without accountability, indifference often raises its head. We’ve all heard the words ‘why should I care?’ spoken far too often. Don’t get me wrong. I’m certainly not perfect and I don’t expect the whole of humankind to suddenly achieve enlightenment. It would just be nice to watch the news someday and see more people doing some good for the world. I know that’s asking a lot, but I guess it’s just a little wishful thinking.

Chapter 2

Well, like I said before, I went to school in Bangor. After high school, I did what was expected and went on to college. My parents wanted me to major in something ‘marketable’ but as something of an idealist, I choose to study philosophy. Besides, there was still grad school and I could still earn a ‘marketable’ degree. But at the time, I just wanted to explore and it seemed like philosophy would be an interesting way to find some direction. Classes were both interesting and deep - logic, existentialism, philosophical psychology. I couldn’t get enough.

In the shelter of academia, there weren’t a lot of other things the average student needed to think about, but I didn’t keep myself locked up like some cloistered monk. I went to a few parties and tried to fit in. However, the last thing any girl wanted to talk about was Plato’s Republic or how Aristotle’s ethics had become lost on a not so blind justice system. I took a class in Buddhism and found it refreshing that someone could follow a spiritual path without being compelled to answer to a divine authority. The concept of karmic law seemed more than reasonable to me. This idea states that we, as individuals, are responsible for the consequences of our actions and that our lives are guided purely by the decisions we make. But, there’s a downside. As creatures possessed by humanness, we are incapable of seeing all possible outcomes for any one decision. So, although we can try to do our best, in the end, we’re still, more or less, flying by the seat of our pants. Then again, if we could see all the possibilities we would no doubt become consumed by them, and without uncertainty, the search for meaning becomes pointless.

Now, for some reason subjects like this weren’t generally well-received at social events where liberal amounts of alcohol were consumed. Either people weren’t interested or they were too incoherent to understand and I quickly became thought of as something of a nerd and found myself largely excluded from the campus social scene. I didn’t really mind. In fact, I found it rather difficult to relate to most people. I guess I was just in a different place than most. Not that I ever considered myself to be ‘special’, perhaps I just wandered onto a different path. I found it troubling when people began referring to me as being ‘different’. I didn’t really understand what that word was supposed to mean and eventually, I reached two conclusions. The first was that the word ‘different’, in this context anyway, was and will likely always be used by small-minded people. We all know people like this. They will never understand what makes you tick and because they seem to be so caught up in themselves, they will never give themselves the opportunity to find out who you really are. They have already judged you based on the perception that, for some reason, you just don’t fit in. The second conclusion I reached was that there’s nothing wrong with standing away from the crowd, refusing to follow the herd.

You don’t have to fit in and you should never bow down to the egos of those who stand at the tops of their ivory towers judging everyone but themselves. Eventually, I learned to not only accept the fact that I was somehow ‘different’, but to embrace it. I came to enjoy being as different as people saw me and felt as though a heavy weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I had spent a good portion of my life being resentful of the opinions most people had of me. Now, I just didn’t care anymore. Their opinions mean nothing to me. I can only live my own life, and they’re just going to have to figure things out on their own. So, what I guess this all comes down to are two simple words. Fuck them. Not that I’m angry and please don’t mistake these words for hostility. It’s just that I’ve come to a place where I find it pointless to make a personal investment in people who will probably always see themselves as being better than everyone else.

I always seemed to have my head in a book, usually philosophy, history or literature. Not that there’s anything wrong with reading novels, it’s just that I see life as a learning process, a chance to grow. Besides, what’s the point of living if you’re burying yourself in other people’s fantasies? And I’m sure that my penchant for learning has cost me more than a few social opportunities. But, my college life wasn’t entirely devoid of socialization either. There were one or two girlfriends. I’m still not sure what they saw in me, but they must have seen something. Relating to girls was never something I was good at. Maybe it’s because my head always seemed to be somewhere else. In fact, I found it difficult to relate to people in general and I still do sometimes. I suppose that socialization is a constant learning process too. Some people would tell me that I think too much and they’re probably right. My mind always seemed to focus on loftier things, but at some point, I started reading the news. A lot. I’m still not sure why. I always believed that the world sucks anyway. Maybe I began to feel a need to get connected, to raise my own awareness of why the world is the way it is.

I discovered or perhaps rediscovered, that civilization is in the midst of moral decline and no matter where you look money always seems to be at the center of it and I reached the conclusion that humanity is burying itself. We’re simply on our way out. It’ll be a very long process and who knows how the final stroke will arrive. Maybe we’ll go out fighting or, maybe we won’t see the end coming at all. I know this seems very pessimistic - even grim and some people might think that things can’t get any worse but I disagree. I think that things can and will get worse - much worse. And I’m sure that anyone who takes the time to see the world as it is would likely agree as well. The question is: is it too late? I honestly don’t know.

Chapter 3

The spring of 2000 came without so much as a warning and I wasn’t ready at all when graduation arrived. It’s amazing how quickly four years can pass, but I did see graduation as the beginning of a time when I could use my new education to do some good. At the time, I was absolutely terrified and found myself confronted by the question: ‘what the fuck do I do now?’ I had lived the last four years of my life sheltered by the relatively quiet atmosphere of college. Now, I was expected to go out and get a job, make a living and face the world with a noble smile. The problem is that the world is not a noble place and jobs are very hard to come by. Even graduates with marketable degrees were finding hard to get work and many of them were forced to settle for work outside their chosen fields. So, where does someone with a degree in philosophy go to find work? The answer? Anywhere they can, and after a few weeks, I took a job in the human service field with an agency here in Bangor. The pay wasn’t very good, but I thought that this might an opportunity to make a difference. I worked as a teacher for the developmentally disabled, but after about three months it dawned on me how naive I could be. I found myself both stunned and disappointed to discover that many of the people who get hired into these jobs are hired out of desperation, as long as they pass a background check. To my shock, I also found that in many instances, the staff tends to have more issues than the people they were there to serve. I still don’t know quite what to expect from people, but I do know that the idea of ‘normal’ is nothing more than a pipe dream. Once I fell into the routine of the job I started to notice that the staff had divided themselves into cliques. I had experienced this mentality to some degree in college and came to deeply resent it. The idea that someone could have the audacity to think of themselves, or their group, as being better than everyone else sickened me. Sure, it’s all fine and good for high school students to adopt an attitude. After all, people of that age group seem to be rather idiotic, simply by virtue of their youth. However, at some point, one should develop the realization that they are not at the center of the universe. So, if you’re not going to do anything meaningful with your life you should pick up your attitude and step aside. Then a question came to me. If the staff walked around thinking they were so much better than everyone else, what must they think of the people they are paid to serve? I didn’t even want to think about what the answer might be and quickly began to feel that I was not taking the proper direction.

The job was both routine and boring. Sure, once in a while I got the chance to counsel someone who might be on the edge of losing their self-control, but I wasn’t feeling challenged by what I was doing. I also found out that anyone could do this job and the employment opportunities for someone with a degree in philosophy were non-existent. So, while I decided to stick with a job I didn’t like, I also decided that it was time to regroup. I spent weeks looking at colleges online. The thought of going out of state did occur to me, and although my parents would understand they still wouldn’t like me being so far away. I decided to spend the next few months looking at my options. After all, going to grad school is a major investment of both time and money and I wanted to be certain about the field of study I was going to apply for. But one thing was certain, I had to move on. Working with the disabled seemed to be a good idea at the time, but there was no real future in it and most people who worked in this industry eventually went back to school anyway.

As fall arrived, that feeling of being out of place became magnified by the desire to go back to school.  I thrived on knowledge and missed the academic atmosphere. Reading literature or philosophy gave me a great deal more pleasure than the idea of burying myself in a novel. I never saw that there was anything to learn by immersing myself in someone else’s fantasy world. What I wanted was to grow, not to withdraw. Life will never come to you. You have to pursue it. So, I started ordering a few books online. I suppose I was also looking for things that could take me away from my job. It seemed to work, most of the time. In November I took the GRE at the University at Bangor. Unless I did well, I would never be considered. So basically, grad school was my only hope of not only getting a good job, but also finding some direction, a way to make a real contribution. There would always be people to care for the disabled. Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t care, I'm just looking for something that I can uniquely fit into and still be able to do my part.

I arrived at the campus early. There were a few familiar faces, mostly professors. It was an all-day event. But, as exhausted as I was by the end of the day, I walked away with the distinct feeling that I had scored high enough to ensure my acceptance. Two agonizing weeks later, I received a letter from the university. As I suspected, my GRE scores were more than sufficient and were made part of my graduate application. By this time, I had decided on a program of study and the university accepted me to their Master’s program in social work. I’d be able to work in any part of the country, even become a licensed social worker and open a practice somewhere. I felt like I was on top of the world, finally finding my path - my calling if you will. I’d get to help people who had real problems without having the headache of state-funded sheltered workshops or day treatment facilities. These would be people whose situations threw them to the wolves - people with psych issues, marital problems, and addictions. The state was obligated to care for the disabled, but the people I’d deal with would be lost without someone to help them make sense of their lives.

Winter came with a vengeance and Bangor lies far enough from the coast that we manage to avoid storms coming in from the ocean. But, nor’easters always came up from the mid-west and by the time they got here they were monsters. Places like Portland seemed to dodge the bullet most of the time. Even though it was on the coast, most of the bad weather just seemed to go around it. A few years ago, a Nor’easter blew its way up the coast, slamming into the entire state. The power was out for days and many people in northern Maine were in the dark for up to three weeks. Without power, Bangor had become a ghost town overnight. The storm was so ferocious that the wind began to sound like wolves howling at the winter moon. Most people hated winter, but I found something in its icy solitude -- the blizzards, the long nights, the feeling that, under the right conditions, the entire city could go black at any time. For me, winter brought an intensity and anticipation that nothing else could even come close to. One night, the frozen snowy earth would be blanketed in silence under a clear moonless sky. On another, the earth would tremble in fear as the persistent roar of a fierce winter onslaught approached. Winter in Bangor offered no mercy and would not be tamed even by God himself.

But as much as I enjoyed winter, spring was always a welcomed reprieve and this spring was certainly no exception. As winter held the earth in its dark, icy grasp, spring would force open its frozen grip and breathe new life back into the landscape. In Maine, it is well-known that there are, in fact, five seasons - summer, autumn, winter, spring, and mud. With all the snow that came with winter, rain and flooding would soon follow and we were now right in the middle of mud season.

Aside from the mud and rain, a noticeable chill remained in the air until almost the beginning of June. For me, summer didn’t really get underway until the first thunderstorm and, a summer without at least two was a huge disappointment. A good thunderstorm brought the same intensity as a blizzard - the way the sky opened up; the sight of lightning as it seemed to split the air and nothing's better than a thunderstorm at night. If there was a good chance that a storm was on its way, I’d stay up late listening to the thunder and watching flashes of lightning fill the night sky. The heat, however, was a different matter. For as long as I can remember, I never had much of a tolerance for the heat and sleeping in the summer was all but impossible. This summer brought a different feeling, dragging by as I anticipated going back to school. As with most things, waiting was the hardest part.

Chapter 4

I gave notice at my job on the first of August and quite honestly, I was very glad to be leaving. It was routine and boring and like most companies, the management never seemed to get around to praising the staff. They seemed to think it